tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82890636065956372002024-03-05T18:05:55.610+11:00Commence DownloadJokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.comBlogger234125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-40240598914439777402014-02-20T02:38:00.001+11:002014-02-20T02:38:50.931+11:00So..<br />
It is a sad fact of life that you will inevitably meet people who are more important to you than you are to them. Sadder though, is to realise that others may be more important to you than you are to yourself.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-26664896004970066582013-11-02T23:33:00.003+11:002013-11-02T23:33:49.346+11:00I either feel to little or too much and right now I don't know which.So..<br />
By the time I've finished writing this paragraph, someone in the world will have been born, someone will have died, someone will have fallen in love and someone will have had their heart broken and I don't know how to feel about this.<br />
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<br />Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-14840827656724899162013-10-31T23:29:00.000+11:002013-10-31T23:29:24.238+11:00A letter to me.So..<br />
Dear me,<br />
I'm writing you a letter, as a friend, to tell you that life's worth living. I know right now you're bored, confused and ambivalent, but honestly, who knows what will happen. There's more to life that what you're doing now, and you only get to do it all once. It's worth taking risks, worth enjoying yourself, worth being happy. I know (because I'm you) that you feel like you have no goals, no dreams to strive towards and so my answer is: Get some! Try out things you don't even like, just find something to work at. And get off the bloody computer sometimes.<br />
Oh, and Happy Halloween.<br />
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Love,<br />
me.<br />
<br />
<br />
P.S. Your jokes are hilarious, you're just too clever for everyone else -.-.<br />
<br />
<br />Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-60600696236295403192013-09-23T23:35:00.001+10:002013-09-23T23:35:30.768+10:00Just dropping in to pick up the pieces I left on your living room floor.So..<br />
I've been trying to get to bed super early (like 9pm) because I have to get up early each day for uni and once it gets past 11 and moves towards 12 everything just overwhelms me and I need to sleep to escape. I get a week break starting Friday though.<br />
<br />
Sorry I've been so far away.<br />
<br />
<br />
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John Mayer's voice tho.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-13478839322374965902013-07-30T23:48:00.000+10:002013-07-30T23:48:11.544+10:00I can't get over how much I love Lana Del Rey's voice.So..<br />
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<br />Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-67400392546769546222013-07-26T03:21:00.001+10:002013-07-26T03:21:24.377+10:00Forgotten memories flow with the tide.So..<br />
I wanted to do a post, but I want to go to bed more, so instead here's a song and three drafts I've had saved for way too long.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
1.) I'm happy in a sick twisted sort of way. I feel like all I've been doing the last few days is fight with the people I care about, my friends, my parents. I lost my shit at Mum after she cleaned my room, harassed Dad when he was already under stress - and I feel like I've grown further apart from him recently. I haven't changed at all. Still such a silly little child.<br />
<br />
2.) I forgot that the idea of one true love is bogus for most of the last 6 months. Which isn't a bad thing. Far better is the thought that there are a thousand true loves for each of us and we only have to find one of them.<br />
<br />
3.) How low does your self-esteem have to be that you don't even realise assuring someone you're not thinking of them could possibly be a bad thing.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-55921193709609144332013-06-15T03:31:00.000+10:002013-06-15T03:31:13.114+10:00No no.So..<br />
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<br />Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-3054482505558630902013-06-11T03:26:00.001+10:002013-06-11T03:26:52.173+10:003:10 am, 11 June, 1994.So..<br />
19 years and 16 minutes ago I was pulled out of my mother's stomach in an emergency Ceasarean section.<br />
Most days, really, that's good enough.<br />
<br />
Happy Birthday to me.<br />
Now to go back into the womb, or as you might call it "sleeping".Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-26468049004521666142013-05-26T02:21:00.001+10:002013-05-26T02:21:27.159+10:00I have nothing to give.So..<br />
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How did it take me 3 months to find this? Sorry if I'm behind.<br />
<br />
I wish I could talk about something, maybe sort out my head, but what I really should be doing is going to bed and getting up early to do my programming assignment like a good uni student.<br />
<br />
To be honest I just wish I had someone to sleep next to. Oh well.<br />
<br />Good night.<br />
Sweet dreams.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-57051830371890929362013-05-01T02:01:00.001+10:002013-05-01T02:01:08.094+10:00Music I listened to today, in order.So..<br />
The Islander - Nightwish<br />
Oh now his love's a memory a ghost in the fog<br />
He sets the sails one last time saying farewell to the world<br />
Anchor to the water, seabed far below<br />
Grass still in his feet and a smile beneath his brow.<br />
<br />
Last of the Wilds - Nightwish<br />
*Instrumental*<br />
<br />
7 Days to the Wolves - Nightwish<br />
Light the fire, feast<br />
Chase the ghosts, give in<br />
Take the road less travelled by<br />
Leave the city of fools<br />
Turn every poet loose.<br />
<br />
The Poet and the Pendulum - Nightwish<br />
Search for beauty, find your shore<br />
Try to save them all, bleed no more<br />
You have such oceans within<br />
In the end<br />
I will always love you.<br />
<br />
Rammlied - Rammstein<br />
Wer wartet mit Besonnenheit<br />
Der wird belohnt zur rechten Zeit<br />
Nun, das Warten hat ein Ende<br />
Leiht euer Ohr einer Legende<br />
<br />
National Anthem - Lana Del Rey<br />
Blurring the lines<br />
Between real and the fake<br />
Dark and lonely<br />
I need somebody to hold me.<br />
<br />
Summertime Sadness - Lana Del Rey<br />
Kiss me hard before you go<br />
Summertime sadness<br />
I just wanted you to know<br />
That baby you're the best.<br />
<br />
God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash<br />
Go tell that long-tongued liar<br />
Go and tell that midnight rider<br />
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back-biter<br />
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.<br />
<br />
Man in Black - Johnny Cash<br />
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down<br />
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town<br />
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime<br />
But is there cause he's a victim of the timesJokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-22176093688176113602013-04-26T18:11:00.000+10:002013-04-26T18:11:13.238+10:00This is such incredibly bad writing I apologise, feel free to not read it.So..<br />
A boy walks along a path. For miles he walks, but he never tires, is never bored. Around him the scenery is constantly in flux, colors racing across the sky, the ground sprouting trees which become buildings, then mountains then deserts and forest, but the path never deviates. For miles he walks, until he comes to a point where pale, transparent shapes twist in the air in front of him and he can walk no further. The boy stops.<br />
"Will you love me?" The boy asks the shapes.<br />
"Yes" says one, but the boy does not know which, for all the shapes are moving constantly and through each other.<br />
"Yes" says another, then it too is gone.<br />
"Yes" say two together, then a third joins in "Yesyes<b>yes</b><i><b>yes</b>yesyes</i><br />
<i>yes</i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>yes</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>yes ysyess</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>yes </i></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>yes yesyesyes</i></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
They twist and turn in the air before him, their yes's overlapping and criss-crossing in the air. Desperate, the boy snatches at the air, but as soon as his fingertips brush one of the shapes. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
They</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
all </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
just</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
disappear.</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Confused, the boy slowly resumes walking. The path has not changed, but the boy is sure something is different.</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="text-align: center;">overhead.</span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Black goes the sky, then grey, then blue. A single cloud <span style="text-align: center;">drifts</span> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The boy has been walking a while. The day is bright and he is content. He has his eyes closed, humming some nameless tune, when he bumps into something in his path.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
There's </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
a </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
bronze </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
p</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
l</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
l</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
r</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
right in the middle of the path.</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The sides of the pillar are constantly rippling, seemingly molten, but when the boy, tentatively, lays the palm of his hand against the metal, it is firm to the touch, and warm from the afternoon sunlight.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Will you love me?" the boy says into the warm bronze.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The metal under his hand grows hotter in response to his question.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
This is good enough for the boy. He sits, resting his head against pillar, letting the sun beat down on his face. Warm, happy and loved, the boy slowly falls asleep.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
When he wakes, he is on the ground. Scared, he looks around for his pillar. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
At first he thinks it is gone, but as he stands he notices a small rock on the path where he had been lying. A tiny rock, no bigger than an apple seed, made of bronze.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Now the sky is pink. In his pocket the boy carries with him his tiny pillar, wondering if it will get larger again. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
He takes it out and looks at it again. It has been a long time since he last stopped walking, the boy realises, though he knows time has little meaning where he is.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The boy stares at the rock, willing it to grow large, so it takes him some time to notice the light tugging on his collar. When he finally looks up, he is surprised to see that before him stands a figure made of pure, liquid gold.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
From the gold figure's side sprout two approximations of arms, ending in two tiny hooks it has been trying to use to gain his attention. It is supported on two stumpy legs and it's head is a strange dome shape without a neck. As the boy watches, the figure starts to shake and quiver and in one sudden movement it sprang into the air. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Down </div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
up</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: center;"> it went and with each bounce the golden figure's limbs ran together and its head sank into its chest and finally all that remained were two sparkling eyes in a constantly moving, golden ball. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The boy held out his hand and the ball landed in it.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Will you love me?" he asked the ball, and it bounded out of his hand, leaping up and down around him. Pleased, the boy ran and the ball kept pace until finally he couldn't run any further and he collapsed, gasping for breathe. The ball bounced lazily beside him, its two eyes staring at him inquisitively.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
But now that he had run so far and so fast, he suddenly felt tired. The boy struggled to keep awake, for he didn't want to lose the ball like he'd lost the pillar, but the sky went black and his eyes would not stay open.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And sure enough, when he woke, the ball had become as small as a speck of dust and it's eyes were no longer visible, but it still shined like gold.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
The boy picked up the tiny gold ball and put it in his pocket.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
And he kept on walking, down the path that seemingly had no end, with the sky and landscape shifting all around him.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Epilogue</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
A young man walks along a path. For miles he walks, but he never tires, is never bored. Around him the scenery is constantly in flux, colors racing across the sky, the ground sprouting deserts and forests which become mountains, then buildings, then trees, but the path never deviates. For miles he walks, until he comes to a point where another path intersects his own. The man has never see a crossroads before, and he sits, wondering which way he should go. As he sits, he takes small things from his pockets, too small for anyone to see except him, and he polishes them, or admires them in the light, throws things up to catch or simply closes his eyes and is still.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
He glances along the crossroads again and sees something moving, far off in the distance. Content to wait, he relaxes, watching the sky and a solitary cloud that drifts overhead.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Finally, a young woman arrives at the crossing. The young man, does not know what to say, he has never met her like before.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
"Will you love me?" she asks him.</div>
Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-57544287573449805852013-04-12T02:01:00.001+10:002013-04-12T02:02:00.343+10:00We swim in different oceans but arrive at the same shore.So..<br />
The disabling fear of failure and rejection I seem to have has held me back my entire life, not only in relationships, but hobbies, schoolwork, friendship and jobs.<br />
<br />
But then again, I'm terribly afraid I'm making molehills out of mosquitos.<br />
<br />
Bioshock Infinite has completely changed my perspective on my life.<br />
<br />
Still not motivated though.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-51646144980130571172013-03-12T00:29:00.000+11:002013-03-12T00:33:20.815+11:00The truths we do tellSo..<br />
I just found out I have four draft posts on Blogger, so I thought I'd mash em all together and add some new stuff for this one. The first mentions Coheed and Cambria's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF9ZhUnNXxw">Pearl of the Stars</a>. Which I am now listening to.<br />
The second was an old attempt at writing a "what I've been doing" post. It mentions my ATAR (82.40) and expressed concern for whether I'd get into my first or second uni preference (I got my first), expressed my enduring sadness that CG is gone *cries* noting that I went on holiday to Queensland, watched New Girl, Fight Club (again), finished Daria :( and finished reading The Book Thief - which my dad promptly stole, the wanker. Oh, and it noted that I didn't terribly enjoy New Years Eve at SD's. Which is sad. But I never really enjoy New Years all that much.<br />
The third of my draft posts expresses excitement for Soundwave,extols Macklemore's album The Heist and recommends <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bek1y2uiQGA">this song</a>, which coincidentally was on the TV at the party I went to last night. So there's that.<br />
Oh, and it notes that, what with uni and all my friends going in different directions, I can't help but feel that I'm growing up when I don't want to.<br />
My final draft post is two things. The first is a list of things to do when CG comes home, the second is a rhetorical question:<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
How low does your self-esteem have to be for you to not even realise how assuring someone you're<i> not</i> thinking of them could possibly be a bad thing?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Now.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>To do (in no particular order):</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
1. Talk to my mother again</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
2. Eat a muffin</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
3. Clean my room</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
4. Organise my new filing system</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
5. Do my first batch of uni homework</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
6. Do some housework</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
7. Get 10 hours sleep one night</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
8. Spend less time on the net</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
9. Read more</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
10. Watch Community</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
11. Get some exercise</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
12. Have more skype calls</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
13. Organise my work desk.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
14. Change my bedsheets</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
15. Earn some money</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
16. Get a concession ticket.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
17. Argue less</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
18. Forgive more (including myself)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
19. Eat healthier</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
20. Be happy</div>
Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-23791578348746542152013-03-04T10:09:00.002+11:002013-03-04T10:09:58.655+11:00Radio silenceSo..<br />
I'm leaving for my first day at uni in an hour. I'm not scared, anxious or excited. I'm curious about what it's going to be like though. February was a whole lot of nothing, from memory, although Soundwave was last Friday. I got badly sunburnt, listened to some good bands and generally enjoyed myself. More on that later. I had a good dream last for the first time since god knows when, and I finally have a proper sleep cycle.<br />
<br />
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<br />Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-6031129095116497042013-01-22T04:26:00.001+11:002013-01-22T04:28:08.259+11:00Live not just survive.So..<br />
This is just a small update post, sorry I haven't in a while. I had an okay Christmas and New Years. I think I say this every year (I'm not going to check for once) but New Year's is never amazing for me and I think it's because I keep thinking something extraordinary is going to happen and it never does. I can't help but give in to the public hype, despite my own cynical attitude to the whole celebration. I spent it with friends so I guess it was a good one. New Year's day I headed to Queensland for a week and stayed with some of my Dad's friends. I got pretty bored at times there, but I filled my days for the most part. After I came back to Melbourne, I've just been trying to get a job (in the most roundabout way possible). I've gone to Sponge's a few times, saw Full Metal Jacket (good movie) and The Road to El Dorado (cause why not). Other than that I've just been hanging out at home thinking about all the games I could play (my poor Steam account has barely been touched) books I could be reading (I miss my school library) and movies/tv shows I could be watching (I miss Hime). Right now I'm writing this post with Wombat and Sponge sleeping over, which is nice I guess.<br />
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I've been staying up, having too many all-nighters. I hate doing it, because I feel like I wasted the whole of the next day sleeping. With that in mind, I'll probably go to bed soon. If I can find somewhere to sleep...<br />
So now I'm just surfing the net, thinking about yellow roses and how I really need to read One The Road, some Vonnegut and Nietzsche. Consider this a reminder.<br />
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Well, Goodnight.<br />
<br />Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-76347514282861165032012-12-06T00:08:00.000+11:002012-12-06T00:08:36.710+11:00Take its broken waist in your hand.So..<br />
Gather round people<br />
I'll tell you a story<br />
A ten year long story<br />
Of power and pride....<br />
<br />
Not really. I have been neglecting CD recently, which you might have noticed (and let's face it, you haven't) means that I've been keeping busy and not dwelling on depressing things to write up here. But I have to write this one, or I'll be breaking a promise and we can't have that can we?<br />
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<br />
So yeah, been busy. More on that another time. But I'm kind of annoyed at the moment. School's out forever, and I somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I always assumed that after high school you somehow magically grew up, that relationships became "mature" overnight somehow. But I haven't changed a bit, as usual. And I know that now I'll meet many new people, form new friendships as well as maintain old ones. But I don't want to meet new people or make new friends. And I can't be bothered working to maintain contact with the 15 or so people I care about.<br />
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I just want my conversations in the classroom and the library back, my old childish romanticism and my stressful school life back. Buuuut I can't. I never wanted to grow up, but I've said that a million times.<br />
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So uh, what else. Marriage is depressing (cf. Take This Waltz) and so is a lot of other things. I'm sick of feeling like its a crime to tell a girl she's beautiful and sick of feeling sad, lonely and cold. I'm sick of a lot of things. I guess nothing is wrong right now. But there's nothing in particular to look forward to either.<br />
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<br />
<br />
Get up, go do my course, convene with the extended family for Christmas. Organise doctors appointments. Go to Soundwave. Accept my first round offer and organise for uni. Go to uni. So on, so on. Nothing in my immediate future is exciting. I used to get really depressed over the pointlessness of my life, now I just try to accept it and find things to enjoy.<br />
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<br />
So that's about it I think.<br />
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<br />Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-14060408351831843742012-11-25T21:43:00.000+11:002012-11-25T21:44:09.933+11:00SecretsSo..<br />
Hold all your secrets inside. Hold them, crush them, pretend you can control them. Suppress them, bury them, blind yourself to their whispers. <b>You're</b> p<i>at<b>hetic</b>, y<b>o</b></i><b>u</b>'r<i>e evil, </i>you'<b>re cold</b>, des<b>p</b><i><b>er</b>ate</i>, clin<b>g</b><i>ing, falli</i>ng. Hold your secrets inside boy, until the pressure makes you explode, until you crack, your mind splinters, your heart breaks. Until you lash out, you kill your emotions, your friends, your pain.<br />
<br />
Steal their secrets from them boy. Take them, never tell the truth of what you know, what you've done. Keep things from them boy, lie to their face, pretend its nothing.<br />
<br />
Pretend you're not pathetic, mean, cruel, indifferent. Be normal, for a while, until you crack under the pressure again.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This post does not convey what I wanted it to.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-39536762991908720392012-11-21T11:45:00.000+11:002012-11-21T11:45:00.458+11:00Feed him to the hungry rats for dinner.So..<br />
I thought I was biting my nails so much from stress, but now my exams are over and I'm still biting them. I have a fake Zippo lighter my dad found in the street and I started flicking it instead of biting, so maybe I just need something to keep my hands busy. Why did I even write this :P.<br />
<br />
So exams are over, but instead of all the free time I thought I'd be relaxing in, I'm constantly busy. Getting up at 11 everyday will do that I guess. Well at least I'm usually busy with stuff I'm enjoying, like watching movies with CG (or trying to at least), or reading. I just feel like I have no time, my schedule is so full until January, and then I'll hopefully be working. And half the time when I'm sitting at home I don't want to play half the games I've got, so that's annoying. I have some books now (the Gone series) but I can't borrow stuff out of the school library for much longer, which sucks.<br />
<br />
I'm eating TimTams all the time and worrying about the state of my teeth, but I have the money and I like buying them.<br />
<br />
Ok, so my exams. English sucked, Further went well (only dropped one mark on the first exam I think) Psych went okayish I think, Lit sucked and I hate how badly it went actually fuck. IT didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but all the revision I did ended up helping I think. Wish I'd done more practice exams though.<br />
I have a new computer, which I'm using right now, the keyboard is just a delight to use you have no idea. I kinda don't like the monitor though, I think it's not very good but I'm not sure.<br />
<br />
And now I'm sitting here listening to Don't Take Your Love Away by Vast at 345 in the morning because I feel like going to bed is a waste but now my morning is going to be gone and urgh. Plus I have to work at Mum's tomorrow and it was so tiring just doing a bit of it today.<br />
<br />
And I'm an emotional wreck this late at night, like always, going crazy and not doing anything, what else is new. <i>Put me inside flesh that is dying, a ghost that wanders without rest.</i><br />
What else. I'm not even excited for the future, just accepting that it's going to happen. And I'm caught between regret for the things I"ll miss out on and the regret I feel after I do participate in things only because I don't want to miss out on them.<br />
<br />I'm really tired, really stupid, really distracted. But I'm not lonely, for all the wrong reasons. Two months is both too long and too short. I don't know where I want my social life to go, and I realise that for all the time our teachers spend on making sure we make good career choices, I was never taught how to tell the good people from the bad, people I should keep forever and those I should leave behind. I wish someone had taught me how to talk to girls, and boys, instead of having to figure things out on my own, too scared of being wrong to take any risks.<br />
<br />
Oh, and I keep smiling at people in the street. Does that mean I'm happy?<br />
And her name still makes my heart jump, but there's nothing left but the fear.<br />
<br />
<br />
(And that dress was criminal)Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-79625214303811335892012-11-17T19:34:00.000+11:002012-11-17T19:34:00.243+11:00In two months, I won't remember what this post is about.So..<br />
Normally, I sit at my computer and talk to maybe one person online a day on average. So when I'm trying to help 4 people at once, in the middle of exams, confused as hell, I have to resort to desperate measures. Like singing along to Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Later....</i><br />
If I held you in my arms any longer I'm afraid I would have kissed you and that can't happen.<br />
<br />
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I miss you, I'm not gonna crack</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I love you, I'm not gonna crack</div>
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-Nirvana, <i>Lithium</i></div>
Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-9647609485805667802012-11-13T23:22:00.002+11:002012-11-13T23:48:30.538+11:00I been thinking about you babySo..<br />
Apart from the (renewed) soul-crushing realisation of my depressing life and general inadequacy that descended upon me between 7pm and<strike> 11pm</strike> 12pm tonight, I had a rather good day today. Got some work done, excitedly examined new computer parts, sold school books and had a fulfilling dinner for once. So go away Mr Soul crushing realisation, I want to sleep. Here's something beautiful to listen to.<br />
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<br />
P.S. Oh yeah, and exams and stuff. Whatever.<br />
P.P.S. Why do I have to have such a stupid brain.<br />
<br />
P.P.P.S. I don't need this three days before my last exam.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-35658999472778148062012-11-06T17:01:00.000+11:002012-11-06T17:01:28.704+11:00365 hoursSo..<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>One hundred and twenty nine and a half hours ago I was about to leave my house to catch a train to school.</li>
<li>One hundred and twenty seven and a half hours ago I was about to walk into my first exam, English.</li>
<li>One hundred and twenty four and a quarter hours ago I was putting down my pen and realising that while I had enjoyed writing my last essay, my exam was not going to get good marks.</li>
<li>One hundred and one hours ago I was walking into my first Maths exam, feeling confident.</li>
<li>Ninety nine and a half hours ago I was finding out from friends which questions I got wrong on the exam, happy and sure that I did well.</li>
<li>Thirty and three quarter hours ago I was at school, angry at myself for not revision during the weekend and worried about my Psychology exam.</li>
<li>Thirty hours ago I was walking into my second Maths exam.</li>
<li>Twenty nine and a quarter hours ago I was putting down my pen, upset that I'd barely finished the exam and certain I'd got some things wrong.</li>
<li>Twenty eight and three quarter hours ago I was haphazardly going over material for my Psychology exam, certain I was going to do terribly.</li>
<li>Twenty six hours ago I was walking into my Pyschology exam, worried and upset.</li>
<li>Twenty four and a quarter hours ago I was finishing my Pyschology exam, pleased with what I'd done but unsure of my results.</li>
<li>Three hours ago I promised my dad I'd do some work today.</li>
<li>In sixty six and three quarter hours, I will be walking into my Literature exam, annoyed that I'm not going to do well and worried I'm not going to get into my course because I didn't study enough.</li>
<li>In sixty nine hours I'll be walking out of my Literature exam, content with what I've written but certain it won't get me a good mark.</li>
<li>In seventy two hours I'll be at home, spoiled for choice over which computer part to order first.</li>
<li>In two hundred and thirty eight hours I'll be walking in to my IT exam, relieved that my exam period is about to be over and hoping desperately to do well in my final exam.</li>
<li>In two hundred and forty and a quarter hours I'll have finished my IT exam, happy that I did well and hoping I get a high mark.</li>
<li>In two hundred and forty three I'll be opening boxes and drooling over the parts to my new computer, with all my exams forgotten for a time.</li>
</ul>
Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-24126554426738216392012-10-24T23:50:00.001+11:002012-10-24T23:50:33.858+11:00So..<br />
I wanted to write something about my final assembly at school today that would be inspiring or at least sentimental. But I'm so fucked up inside right now that I can't bring myself to do it.<br />
<br />
I so rarely show any genuine emotion that when I cried today I couldn't stop.<br />
<br />
And since I don't want to disgrace this post, it'll end here. Today I realised just how much a school could mean to me and to others. So that's what I want to focus on.<br />
<br />
Now I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. And I <b>don't </b>want to talk about it.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-79008803550344641872012-10-18T21:01:00.001+11:002012-10-18T21:10:58.604+11:00Another piece of therapy.So..<br />
We know how this goes. 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates.<br />
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<div style="font-family: Georgia, Times, serif; line-height: 20.78333282470703px; text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>Abracadabra, Wow!</b><br /><b>I like boys </b>who help others <b>and girls </b>with long hair</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>Symphonic Metal (Nightwish)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>making lists of things to do</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>watching old cartoons from when I was younger.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>rediscovering music.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>how my room reflects my interestes.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>having long hair (still)</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>walking around barefoot :D</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like</b> reading for pleasure, cause I don't get to do it much right now.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>the priveleges that come with getting older.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>taking my time reading the paper because I don't need to be anywhere.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>dancing by myself at home.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I like </b>people who look good in glasses (such as myself <.<)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I love </b>how good I've been feeling today.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>Today I </b>did some work in Maths (yay!) and IT (yay!), ordered some new glasses and tried to convince my dad to buy me a new computer.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 20px;"><b>In some ways, I love everything.</b><br /><b>Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular</b><br /><b>I like things that I like but I love everything</b><br /><b>There’s more choice in like</b><br /><b>Cos even the worst things have things you love in them</b><br /><b>I don’t know what you mean about things I hate</b></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b><br />I hate </b>how money makes the world go round.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate</b> feeling like I haven't done anything productive all night.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate </b>having to race for the train in the mornings cause I never get up early.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate </b>worrying that I haven't done enough work and I'm going to fail.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate </b>how little I understand my English or Lit texts.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate </b>how everytime I hear my mum's voice my jaw clenches.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate</b> it when relationships end<b> but in a way, </b>it lets you move on.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate </b>the feeling I get when I have nothing to do but I don't want to do homework so I find something to do that I'm not interested in just so I don't have to do homework.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;"><b>I hate </b>how passive a role I take in my own life.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black; color: white; line-height: 20px;">The "but in a way" one is always the hardest.</span></div>
Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-91848066558862072772012-10-14T00:41:00.002+11:002012-10-14T00:41:20.864+11:00Suddenly, suddenly, I don't feel so insecure.So..<br />
Over two weeks since my last post? Wow.<br />
So apparently I'm 18. This is still a surprise to me, even though it's been a fact for a few months now. I just don't feel any older. I went through the last 6 or 7 years thinking that by the time I hit 18, 19, I'd be an adult. I'd be focused, mature, motivated. That my teen years were where what comprised the transition from childhood to adulthood. But I guess it doesn't work like that. I'm still unmotivated. I still procrastinate. I'm still wandering through each day. I guess I don't feel any different to 17, 16, 15. I still fall in love...For some reason I thought that love was different for adults. That it was about compromise and accepting flaws and loving the one you're with. I guess I thought wild romance, infatuation and crushed were solely the domain of the young and restless. Which makes no sense, because every love song and love story has been written but "adults". So I guess I'm wrong about that. And <i>purpose</i>. I thought that when you became an adult, you got purpose. You get motivation, you start planning ahead. Watching my parents shopping, working, doing whatever they do for fun, it always seemed like they knew what they're doing. No staring at the wall wondering what to do, no filling time with pointless activities, because they always know what they should be doing. And now that I realise I'm not that, I realise that perhaps they aren't either. It makes me realise how they really are human too, with their own problems and flaws. And that scares me. My father was my first role model, like most boys, and I think every little boy wants to grow up to be strong and brave like his dad. It's a scary thing to realise that he has problems too. That sometimes he just makes it up as he goes along, because he <i>doesn't </i>know where he's going. It's chilling to realise that not just when I reach 20 or 30, but when I'm 40, 50, 60, 70, each year I'll still be asking myself; What now?<br />
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Admittedly, this is also a good thing. One of the most freeing things I've ever experienced was the realisation that after November this year, <i>I can do whatever the fuck I want. </i>If I wanted, I could book a flight to Canada and live there the rest of my life. Enrol in a cooking class. Work in a call center. Do nothing but read Dickens for a month. Go skydiving. Become an astronaut.<i> At any point in my life, I can look in the mirror and decide that, fuck it, I'ma learn German. </i>Of course, some things might take time, have consequences, be beyond my capabilities but my point is <i>I could try it. </i>After 13 years of knowing that I'm going to spend the upcoming year going to school and learning shit, the realisation that in the next 70-odd years, <i>I control everything that I do. </i>It's a strange feeling.<br />
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<br />So there's my rambling for these past few weeks. As you might be able to tell, I'm not really focused on my exams.<br />
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Sorry bout the wall of text.Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8289063606595637200.post-91763855913770727722012-09-28T19:07:00.002+10:002012-09-28T19:09:01.777+10:00DId you know that can have a rather long larval stage before becoming an adult and flying?So..<br />
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Once upon a time, what would one day be a dragonfly was born. And as it grew, it learned more about the world around it. It learned about the lake in which it lived, the way the algae grew over a small hole that it could hide in and no one could find it. It learned about the plankton that lived in the sand on the lake floor and what food would make it grow strong. It learned to escape its predators by hiding in the sand itself, or slipping between cracks in the rock where it couldn't be reached. It spent a year like this, learning and growing. But dragonflies don't live very long.<br />
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One day, our soon-to-be dragonfly felt restless. The water paradise it had lived in seemed small, now that every inch of it had been uncovered. The algae covered hole it had loved so much was too small, its walls to stifling. So, it swam to where the light had come from, all the days of its life, despairing of its tiny domain. But at that seemingly impenetrable barrier, the dragonfly (for it is a dragonfly now) found its escape. Climbing a reed, compelled by something it couldn't explain, the dragonfly emerged from the water, to find a world of sound and light. Its gills, so dependable, were now superfluous and our dragonfly fought to breathe. Choking, it almost sank beneath the water again, but suddenly the dragonfly realised that its gills still worked, it just needed to breathe a little differently. Its skin spilt and from it our dragonfly rose, triumphant, easily moving through the air, rejoicing in its new wings and wide new world. But dragonflies don't live very long.<br />
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And so the dragonfly learned again. It found other dragonflies and created a place for itself near its old home. And each day it set out, finding food, evading birds and reptiles that sought to take it as food. It met another dragonfly and together they lay the eggs into the lake, to start the cycle anew. It had good days and bad days, victories and failures, times when in soared in the spring rain and times when it huddled up in a hole, like it was a newborn again, to escape the snow and cold. And eventually, on a fine spring day, the dragonfly fled from a sparrow and in a flash of insight realised it wouldn't get away. And before it was swallowed, it remembered the eggs it had left behind, the other dragonflies it had met and loved, the months it had spent wandering free in the world of light it had come to. And it died happily. Because dragonflies don't live very long. But they don't need to. Because dragonflies live very, very well.<br />
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I'm not sure if this is a happy story (I wrote it yes). I tried to make it one, but it came out a bit funny. I think a depressed person would find it suffocatingly optimistic, while a happy person would fine it pleasantly thoughtful. So I guess that makes it happy?<br />
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Also, I know nothing about dragonflies except what I just read off Wikipedia, so don't quote anything I said as fact. Have a nice weekend :)Jokermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18067719379841499718noreply@blogger.com1