So..
It is a sad fact of life that you will inevitably meet people who are more important to you than you are to them. Sadder though, is to realise that others may be more important to you than you are to yourself.

I either feel to little or too much and right now I don't know which.

So..
By the time I've finished writing this paragraph, someone in the world will have been born, someone will have died, someone will have fallen in love and someone will have had their heart broken and I don't know how to feel about this.

A letter to me.

So..
Dear me,
I'm writing you a letter, as a friend, to tell you that life's worth living. I know right now you're bored, confused and ambivalent, but honestly, who knows what will happen. There's more to life that what you're doing now, and you only get to do it all once. It's worth taking risks, worth enjoying yourself, worth being happy. I know (because I'm you) that you feel like you have no goals, no dreams to strive towards and so my answer is: Get some! Try out things you don't even like, just find something to work at. And get off the bloody computer sometimes.
Oh, and Happy Halloween.

Love,
me.


P.S. Your jokes are hilarious, you're just too clever for everyone else -.-.

Just dropping in to pick up the pieces I left on your living room floor.

So..
I've been trying to get to bed super early (like 9pm) because I have to get up early each day for uni and once it gets past 11 and moves towards 12 everything just overwhelms me and I need to sleep to escape. I get a week break starting Friday though.

Sorry I've been so far away.

John Mayer's voice tho.

I can't get over how much I love Lana Del Rey's voice.

So..

Forgotten memories flow with the tide.

So..
I wanted to do a post, but I want to go to bed more, so instead here's a song and three drafts I've had saved for way too long.

1.) I'm happy in a sick twisted sort of way. I feel like all I've been doing the last few days is fight with the people I care about, my friends, my parents. I lost my shit at Mum after she cleaned my room, harassed Dad when he was already under stress - and I feel like I've grown further apart from him recently. I haven't changed at all. Still such a silly little child.

2.) I forgot that the idea of one true love is bogus for most of the last 6 months. Which isn't a bad thing. Far better is the thought that there are a thousand true loves for each of us and we only have to find one of them.

3.) How low does your self-esteem have to be that you don't even realise assuring someone you're not thinking of them could possibly be a bad thing.

No no.

So..

3:10 am, 11 June, 1994.

So..
19 years and 16 minutes ago I was pulled out of my mother's stomach in an emergency Ceasarean section.
Most days, really, that's good enough.

Happy Birthday to me.
Now to go back into the womb, or as you might call it "sleeping".

I have nothing to give.

So..

How did it take me 3 months to find this? Sorry if I'm behind.

I wish I could talk about something, maybe sort out my head, but what I really should be doing is going to bed and getting up early to do my programming assignment like a good uni student.

To be honest I just wish I had someone to sleep next to. Oh well.

Good night.
Sweet dreams.

Music I listened to today, in order.

So..
The Islander - Nightwish
Oh now his love's a memory a ghost in the fog
He sets the sails one last time saying farewell to the world
Anchor to the water, seabed far below
Grass still in his feet and a smile beneath his brow.

Last of the Wilds - Nightwish
*Instrumental*

7 Days to the Wolves - Nightwish
Light the fire, feast
Chase the ghosts, give in
Take the road less travelled by
Leave the city of fools
Turn every poet loose.

The Poet and the Pendulum - Nightwish
Search for beauty, find your shore
Try to save them all, bleed no more
You have such oceans within
In the end
I will always love you.

Rammlied - Rammstein
Wer wartet mit Besonnenheit
Der wird belohnt zur rechten Zeit
Nun, das Warten hat ein Ende
Leiht euer Ohr einer Legende

National Anthem - Lana Del Rey
Blurring the lines
Between real and the fake
Dark and lonely
I need somebody to hold me.

Summertime Sadness - Lana Del Rey
Kiss me hard before you go
Summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
That baby you're the best.

God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash
Go tell that long-tongued liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back-biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.

Man in Black - Johnny Cash
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime
But is there cause he's a victim  of the times

This is such incredibly bad writing I apologise, feel free to not read it.

So..
A boy walks along a path. For miles he walks, but he never tires, is never bored. Around him the scenery is constantly in flux, colors racing across the sky, the ground sprouting trees which become buildings, then mountains then deserts and forest, but the path never deviates. For miles he walks, until he comes to a point where pale, transparent shapes twist in the air in front of him and he can walk no further. The boy stops.
"Will you love me?" The boy asks the shapes.
"Yes" says one, but the boy does not know which, for all the shapes are moving constantly and through each other.
"Yes" says another, then it too is gone.
"Yes" say two together, then a third joins in "Yesyesyesyesyesyes
yes

yes

yes                 ysyess

yes 

yes yesyesyes

They twist and turn in the air before him, their yes's overlapping and criss-crossing in the air. Desperate, the boy snatches at the air, but as soon as his fingertips brush one of the shapes. 

They

            all 

                     just

disappear.

Confused, the boy slowly resumes walking. The path has not changed, but the boy is sure something is different.

overhead.  

Black goes the sky, then grey, then blue. A single cloud drifts               

The boy has been walking a while. The day is bright and he is content. He has his eyes closed, humming some nameless tune, when he bumps into something in his path.

There's                    

                                a 

                                                    bronze 

p

i

l

l

a

r

right in the middle of the path.

The sides of the pillar are constantly rippling, seemingly molten, but when the boy, tentatively, lays the palm of his hand against the metal, it is firm to the touch, and warm from the afternoon sunlight.

"Will you love me?" the boy says into the warm bronze.

The metal under his hand grows hotter in response to his question.

This is good enough for the boy. He sits, resting his head against pillar, letting the sun beat down on his face. Warm, happy and loved, the boy slowly falls asleep.

When he wakes, he is on the ground. Scared, he looks around for his pillar. 

At first he thinks it is gone, but as he stands he notices a small rock on the path where he had been lying. A tiny rock, no bigger than an apple seed, made of bronze.

Now the sky is pink. In his pocket the boy carries with him his tiny pillar, wondering if it will get larger again. 

He takes it out and looks at it again. It has been a long time since he last stopped walking, the boy realises, though he knows time has little meaning where he is.

The boy stares at the rock, willing it to grow large, so it takes him some time to notice the light tugging on his collar. When he finally looks up, he is surprised to see that before him stands a figure made of pure, liquid gold.

From the gold figure's side sprout two approximations of arms, ending in two tiny hooks it has been trying to use to gain his attention. It is supported on two stumpy legs and it's head is a strange dome shape without a neck. As the boy watches, the figure starts to shake and quiver and in one sudden movement it sprang into the air. 

Down 

up

and 

 it went and with each bounce the golden figure's limbs ran together and its head sank into its chest and finally all that remained were two sparkling eyes in a constantly moving, golden ball. 

The boy held out his hand and the ball landed in it.

"Will you love me?" he asked the ball, and it bounded out of his hand, leaping up and down around him. Pleased, the boy ran and the ball kept pace until finally he couldn't run any further and he collapsed, gasping for breathe. The ball bounced lazily beside him, its two eyes staring at him inquisitively.

But now that he had run so far and so fast, he suddenly felt tired. The boy struggled to keep awake, for he didn't want to lose the ball like he'd lost the pillar, but the sky went black and his eyes would not stay open.

And sure enough, when he woke, the ball had become as small as a speck of dust and it's eyes were no longer visible, but it still shined like gold.

The boy picked up the tiny gold ball and put it in his pocket.

And he kept on walking, down the path that seemingly had no end, with the sky and landscape shifting all around him.

Epilogue

A young man walks along a path. For miles he walks, but he never tires, is never bored. Around him the scenery is constantly in flux, colors racing across the sky, the ground sprouting deserts and forests which become mountains, then buildings, then trees, but the path never deviates. For miles he walks, until he comes to a point where another path intersects his own. The man has never see a crossroads before, and he sits, wondering which way he should go. As he sits, he takes small things from his pockets, too small for anyone to see except him, and he polishes them, or admires them in the light, throws things up to catch or simply closes his eyes and is still.

He glances along the crossroads again and sees something moving, far off in the distance. Content to wait, he relaxes, watching the sky and a solitary cloud that drifts overhead.

Finally, a young woman arrives at the crossing. The young man, does not know what to say, he has never met her like before.

"Will you love me?" she asks him.

We swim in different oceans but arrive at the same shore.

So..
The disabling fear of failure and rejection I seem to have has held me back my entire life, not only in relationships, but hobbies, schoolwork, friendship and jobs.

But then again, I'm terribly afraid I'm making molehills out of mosquitos.

Bioshock Infinite has completely changed my perspective on my life.

Still not motivated though.

The truths we do tell

So..
I just found out I have four draft posts on Blogger, so I thought I'd mash em all together and add some new stuff for this one. The first mentions Coheed and Cambria's Pearl of the Stars. Which I am now listening to.
The second was an old attempt at writing a "what I've been doing" post. It mentions my ATAR (82.40) and expressed concern for whether I'd get into my first or second uni preference (I got my first), expressed my enduring sadness that CG is gone *cries* noting that I went on holiday to Queensland, watched New Girl, Fight Club (again), finished Daria :( and finished reading The Book Thief - which my dad promptly stole, the wanker. Oh, and it noted that I didn't terribly enjoy New Years Eve at SD's. Which is sad. But I never really enjoy New Years all that much.
The third of my draft posts expresses excitement for Soundwave,extols Macklemore's album The Heist and recommends this song, which coincidentally was on the TV at the party I went to last night. So there's that.
Oh, and it notes that, what with uni and all my friends going in different directions, I can't help but feel that I'm growing up when I don't want to.
My final draft post is two things. The first is a list of things to do when CG comes home, the second is a rhetorical question:

How low does your self-esteem have to be for you to not even realise how assuring someone you're not thinking of them could possibly be a bad thing?

Now.

To do (in no particular order):

1. Talk to my mother again

2. Eat a muffin

3. Clean my room

4. Organise my new filing system

5. Do my first batch of uni homework

6. Do some housework

7. Get 10 hours sleep one night

8. Spend less time on the net

9. Read more

10. Watch Community

11. Get some exercise

12. Have more skype calls

13. Organise my work desk.

14. Change my bedsheets

15. Earn some money

16. Get a concession ticket.

17. Argue less

18. Forgive more (including myself)

19. Eat healthier

20. Be happy

Radio silence

So..
I'm leaving for my first day at uni in an hour. I'm not scared, anxious or excited. I'm curious about what it's going to be like though. February was a whole lot of nothing, from memory, although Soundwave was last Friday. I got badly sunburnt, listened to some good bands and generally enjoyed myself. More on that later. I had a good dream last for the first time since god knows when, and I finally have a proper sleep cycle.

Live not just survive.

So..
This is just a small update post, sorry I haven't in a while. I had an okay Christmas and New Years. I think I say this every year (I'm not going to check for once) but New Year's is never amazing for me and I think it's because I keep thinking something extraordinary is going to happen and it never does. I can't help but give in to the public hype, despite my own cynical attitude to the whole celebration. I spent it with friends so I guess it was a good one. New Year's day I headed to Queensland for a week and stayed with some of my Dad's friends. I got pretty bored at times there, but I filled my days for the most part. After I came back to Melbourne, I've just been trying to get a job (in the most roundabout way possible). I've gone to Sponge's a few times, saw Full Metal Jacket (good movie) and The Road to El Dorado (cause why not). Other than that I've just been hanging out at home thinking about all the games I could play (my poor Steam account has barely been touched) books I could be reading (I miss my school library) and movies/tv shows I could be watching (I miss Hime). Right now I'm writing this post with Wombat and Sponge sleeping over, which is nice I guess.

I've been staying up, having too many all-nighters. I hate doing it, because I feel like I wasted the whole of the next day sleeping. With that in mind, I'll probably go to bed soon. If I can find somewhere to sleep...
So now I'm just surfing the net, thinking about yellow roses and how I really need to read One The Road, some Vonnegut and Nietzsche. Consider this a reminder.

Well, Goodnight.

Take its broken waist in your hand.

So..
Gather round people
I'll tell you a story
A ten year long story
Of power and pride....

Not really. I have been neglecting CD recently, which you might have noticed (and let's face it, you haven't) means that I've been keeping busy and not dwelling on depressing things to write up here. But I have to write this one, or I'll be breaking a promise and we can't have that can we?

So yeah, been busy. More on that another time. But I'm kind of annoyed at the moment. School's out forever, and I somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I always assumed that after high school you somehow magically grew up, that relationships became "mature" overnight somehow. But I haven't changed a bit, as usual. And I know that now I'll meet many new people, form new friendships as well as maintain old ones. But I don't want to meet new people or make new friends. And I can't be bothered working to maintain contact with the 15 or so people I care about.

I just want my conversations in the classroom and the library back, my old childish romanticism and my stressful school life back. Buuuut I can't. I never wanted to grow up, but I've said that a million times.

So uh, what else. Marriage is depressing (cf. Take This Waltz) and so is a lot of other things. I'm sick of feeling like its a crime to tell a girl she's beautiful and sick of feeling sad, lonely and cold. I'm sick of a lot of things. I guess nothing is wrong right now. But there's nothing in particular to look forward to either.

Get up, go do my course, convene with the extended family for Christmas. Organise doctors appointments. Go to Soundwave. Accept my first round offer and organise for uni. Go to uni. So on, so on. Nothing in my immediate future is exciting. I used to get really depressed over the pointlessness of my life, now I just try to accept it and find things to enjoy.

 So that's about it I think.

Secrets

So..
Hold all your secrets inside. Hold them, crush them, pretend you can control them. Suppress them, bury them, blind yourself to their whispers. You're pathetic, you're evil, you're cold, desperate, clinging, falling. Hold your secrets inside boy, until the pressure makes you explode, until you crack, your mind splinters, your heart breaks. Until you lash out, you kill your emotions, your friends, your pain.

Steal their secrets from them boy. Take them, never tell the truth of what you know, what you've done. Keep things from them boy, lie to their face, pretend its nothing.

Pretend you're not pathetic, mean, cruel, indifferent. Be normal, for a while, until you crack under the pressure again.



This post does not convey what I wanted it to.

Feed him to the hungry rats for dinner.

So..
I thought I was biting my nails so much from stress, but now my exams are over and I'm still biting them. I have a fake Zippo lighter my dad found in the street and I started flicking it instead of biting, so maybe I just need something to keep my hands busy. Why did I even write this :P.

So exams are over, but instead of all the free time I thought I'd be relaxing in, I'm constantly busy. Getting up at 11 everyday will do that I guess. Well at least I'm usually busy with stuff I'm enjoying, like watching movies with CG (or trying to at least), or reading. I just feel like I have no time, my schedule is so full until January, and then I'll hopefully be working. And half the time when I'm sitting at home I don't want to play half the games I've got, so that's annoying. I have some books now (the Gone series) but I can't borrow stuff out of the school library for much longer, which sucks.

I'm eating TimTams all the time and worrying about the state of my teeth, but I have the money and I like buying them.

Ok, so my exams. English sucked, Further went well (only dropped one mark on the first exam I think) Psych went okayish I think, Lit sucked and I hate how badly it went actually fuck. IT didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but all the revision I did ended up helping I think. Wish I'd done more practice exams though.
I have a new computer, which I'm using right now, the keyboard is just a delight to use you have no idea. I kinda don't like the monitor though, I think it's not very good but I'm not sure.

And now I'm sitting here listening to Don't Take Your Love Away by Vast at 345 in the morning because I feel like going to bed is a waste but now my morning is going to be gone and urgh. Plus I have to work at Mum's tomorrow and it was so tiring just doing a bit of it today.

And I'm an emotional wreck this late at night, like always, going crazy and not doing anything, what else is new. Put me inside flesh that is dying, a ghost that wanders without rest.
What else. I'm not even excited for the future, just accepting that it's going to happen. And I'm caught between regret for the things I"ll miss out on and the regret I feel after I do participate in things only because I don't want to miss out on them.

I'm really tired, really stupid, really distracted. But I'm not lonely, for all the wrong reasons. Two months is both too long and too short. I don't know where I want my social life to go, and I realise that for all the time our teachers spend on making sure we make good career choices, I was never taught how to tell the good people from the bad, people I should keep forever and those I should leave behind. I wish someone had taught me how to talk to girls, and boys, instead of having to figure things out on my own, too scared of being wrong to take any risks.

Oh, and I keep smiling at people in the street. Does that mean I'm happy?
And her name still makes my heart jump, but there's nothing left but the fear.


(And that dress was criminal)

In two months, I won't remember what this post is about.

So..
Normally, I sit at my computer and talk to maybe one person online a day on average. So when I'm trying to help 4 people at once, in the middle of exams, confused as hell, I have to resort to desperate measures. Like singing along to Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.


Later....
 If I held you in my arms any longer I'm afraid I would have kissed you and that can't happen.

I miss you, I'm not gonna crack

I love you, I'm not gonna crack

-Nirvana, Lithium

I been thinking about you baby

So..
Apart from the (renewed) soul-crushing realisation of my depressing life and general inadequacy that descended upon me between 7pm and 11pm 12pm tonight, I had a rather good day today. Got some work done, excitedly examined new computer parts, sold school books and had a fulfilling dinner for once. So go away Mr Soul crushing realisation, I want to sleep. Here's something beautiful to listen to.

P.S. Oh yeah, and exams and stuff. Whatever.
P.P.S. Why do I have to have such a stupid brain.

P.P.P.S. I don't need this three days before my last exam.

365 hours

So..

• One hundred and twenty nine and a half hours ago I was about to leave my house to catch a train to school.
• One hundred and twenty seven and a half hours ago I was about to walk into my first exam, English.
• One hundred and twenty four and a quarter hours ago I was putting down my pen and realising that while I had enjoyed writing my last essay, my exam was not going to get good marks.
• One hundred and one hours ago I was walking into my first Maths exam, feeling confident.
• Ninety nine and a half hours ago I was finding out from friends which questions I got wrong on the exam, happy and sure that I did well.
• Thirty and three quarter hours ago I was at school, angry at myself for not revision during the weekend and worried about my Psychology exam.
• Thirty hours ago I was walking into my second Maths exam.
• Twenty nine and a quarter hours ago I was putting down my pen, upset that I'd barely finished the exam and certain I'd got some things wrong.
• Twenty eight and three quarter hours ago I was haphazardly going over material for my Psychology exam, certain I was going to do terribly.
• Twenty six hours ago I was walking into my Pyschology exam, worried and upset.
• Twenty four and a quarter hours ago I was finishing my Pyschology exam, pleased with what I'd done but unsure of my results.
• Three hours ago I promised my dad I'd do some work today.
• In sixty six and three quarter hours, I will be walking into my Literature exam, annoyed that I'm not going to do well and worried I'm not going to get into my course because I didn't study enough.
• In sixty nine hours I'll be walking out of my Literature exam, content with what I've written but certain it won't get me a good mark.
• In seventy two hours I'll be at home, spoiled for choice over which computer part to order first.
• In two hundred and thirty eight hours I'll be walking in to my IT exam, relieved that my exam period is about to be over and hoping desperately to do well in my final exam.
• In two hundred and forty and a quarter hours I'll have finished my IT exam, happy that I did well and hoping I get a high mark.
• In two hundred and forty three I'll be opening boxes and drooling over the parts to my new computer, with all my exams forgotten for a time.

So..
I wanted to write something about my final assembly at school today that would be inspiring or at least sentimental. But I'm so fucked up inside right now that I can't bring myself to do it.

I so rarely show any genuine emotion that when I cried today I couldn't stop.

And since I don't want to disgrace this post, it'll end here. Today I realised just how much a school could mean to me and to others. So that's what I want to focus on.

Now I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. And I don't want to talk about it.

Another piece of therapy.

So..
We know how this goes. 12 likes, 1 love and 8 hates.

Abracadabra, Wow!
I like boys who help others and girls with long hair
I like Symphonic Metal (Nightwish)

I like making lists of things to do
I like watching old cartoons from when I was younger.
I like rediscovering music.
I like how my room reflects my interestes.

I like having long hair (still)

I like walking around barefoot :D
I like reading for pleasure, cause I don't get to do it much right now.
I like the priveleges that come with getting older.

I like taking my time reading the paper because I don't need to be anywhere.
I like dancing by myself at home.
I like people who look good in glasses (such as myself <.<)
I love how good I've been feeling today.
Today I did some work in Maths (yay!) and IT (yay!), ordered some new glasses and tried to convince my dad to buy me a new computer.

In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate how money makes the world go round.

I hate feeling like I haven't done anything productive all night.

I hate having to race for the train in the mornings cause I never get up early.

I hate worrying that I haven't done enough work and I'm going to fail.
I hate how little  I understand my English or Lit texts.
I hate how everytime I hear my mum's voice my jaw clenches.
I hate it when relationships end but in a way, it lets you move on.

I hate the feeling I get when I have nothing to do but I don't want to do homework so I find something to do that I'm not interested in just so I don't have to do homework.

I hate how passive a role I take in my own life.

The "but in a way" one is always the hardest.

Suddenly, suddenly, I don't feel so insecure.

So..
Over two weeks since my last post? Wow.
So apparently I'm 18. This is still a surprise to me, even though it's been a fact for a few months now. I just don't feel any older. I went through the last 6 or 7 years thinking that by the time I hit 18, 19, I'd be an adult. I'd be focused, mature, motivated. That my teen years were where what comprised the transition from childhood to adulthood. But I guess it doesn't work like that. I'm still unmotivated. I still procrastinate. I'm still wandering through each day. I guess I don't feel any different to 17, 16, 15. I still fall in love...For some reason I thought that love was different for adults. That it was about compromise and accepting flaws and loving the one you're with. I guess I thought wild romance, infatuation and crushed were solely the domain of the young and restless. Which makes no sense, because every love song and love story has been written but "adults". So I guess I'm wrong about that. And purpose. I thought that when you became an adult, you got purpose. You get motivation, you start planning ahead. Watching my parents shopping, working, doing whatever they do for fun, it always seemed like they knew what they're doing. No staring at the wall wondering what to do, no filling time with pointless activities, because they always know what they should be doing. And now that I realise I'm not that, I realise that perhaps they aren't either. It makes me realise how they really are human too,  with their own problems and flaws. And that scares me. My father was my first role model, like most boys, and I think every little boy wants to grow up to be strong and brave like his dad. It's a scary thing to realise that he has problems too. That sometimes he just makes it up as he goes along, because he doesn't know where he's going. It's chilling to realise that not just when I reach 20 or 30, but when I'm 40, 50, 60, 70, each year I'll still be asking myself; What now?

Admittedly, this is also a good thing. One of the most freeing things I've ever experienced was the realisation that after November this year, I can do whatever the fuck I want. If I wanted, I could book a flight to Canada and live there the rest of my life. Enrol in a cooking class. Work in a call center. Do nothing but read Dickens for a month. Go skydiving. Become an astronaut. At any point in my life, I can look in the mirror and decide that, fuck it, I'ma learn German. Of course, some things might take time, have consequences, be beyond my capabilities but my point is I could try it. After 13 years of knowing that I'm going to spend the upcoming year going to school and learning shit, the realisation that in the next 70-odd years, I control everything that I do. It's a strange feeling.


So there's my rambling for these past few weeks. As you might be able to tell, I'm not really focused on my exams.

Sorry bout the wall of text.

DId you know that can have a rather long larval stage before becoming an adult and flying?

So..

Once upon a time, what would one day be a dragonfly was born. And as it grew, it learned more about the world around it. It learned about the lake in which it lived, the way the algae grew over a small hole that it could hide in and no one could find it. It learned about the plankton that lived in the sand on the lake floor and what food would make it grow strong. It learned to escape its predators by hiding in the sand itself, or slipping between cracks in the rock where it couldn't be reached. It spent a year like this, learning and growing. But dragonflies don't live very long.

One day, our soon-to-be dragonfly felt restless. The water paradise it had lived in seemed small, now that every inch of it had been uncovered. The algae covered hole it had loved so much was too small, its walls to stifling. So, it swam to where the light had come from, all the days of its life, despairing of its tiny domain. But at that seemingly impenetrable barrier, the dragonfly (for it is a dragonfly now) found its escape. Climbing a reed, compelled by something it couldn't explain, the dragonfly emerged from the water, to find a world of sound and light. Its gills, so dependable, were now superfluous and our dragonfly fought to breathe. Choking, it almost sank beneath the water again, but suddenly the dragonfly realised that its gills still worked, it just needed to breathe a little differently. Its skin spilt and from it our dragonfly rose, triumphant, easily moving through the air, rejoicing in its new wings and wide new world. But dragonflies don't live very long.

And so the dragonfly learned again. It found other dragonflies and created a place for itself near its old home. And each day it set out, finding food, evading birds and reptiles that sought to take it as food. It met another dragonfly and together they lay the eggs into the lake, to start the cycle anew. It had good days and bad days, victories and failures, times when in soared in the spring rain and times when it huddled up in a hole, like it was a newborn again, to escape the snow and cold. And eventually, on a fine spring day, the dragonfly fled from a sparrow and in a flash of insight realised it wouldn't get away. And before it was swallowed, it remembered the eggs it had left behind, the other dragonflies it had met and loved, the months it had spent wandering free in the world of light it had come to. And it died happily. Because dragonflies don't live very long. But they don't need to. Because dragonflies live very, very well.



I'm not sure if this is a happy story (I wrote it yes). I tried to make it one, but it came out a bit funny. I think a depressed person would find it suffocatingly optimistic, while a happy person would fine it pleasantly thoughtful. So I guess that makes it happy?

Also, I know nothing about dragonflies except what I just read off Wikipedia, so don't quote anything I said as fact. Have a nice weekend :)

This is probably a negative post.

So..

I need:

• To stop thinking
• To stop analysing my friends
• An objective point of view
• To know everything
• For my damn internet to work for 10 minutes without cutting out
• This day to be over
• Exams to be over
• This year to be over
• To get away from this place and these people
• To give up on some things
• To hit something
• To sleep
• To try harder
• To care about things
• To not care about things
• My internet to work for 5 goddamn minutes so I can listen to Mumford & Sons. Thank you.
• Some genuinely good Australian music
• A job?
• Someone beautiful to love me.

I was listening to this before I went to sleep some nights, but now everything's just fucked.

Added to my picture collection for the first time in like half a year.
So here's a pictures dump. It may indicate some of what I'm feeling. But mostly what I need to feel. Should be feeling.

What am I even doing.

PKM

So..
It's like this. Sometimes I come across something, or indeed someone, or some moment, some event, whatever. And its so perfect - and perfect is the only word I can use, just perfect (I looked up synonyms and all) - that you I just want to take it, imprison it, hold it forever, never let it go. But I know no matter what I do, how far I go and how high I rise, I can't own it completely. Nothing will ever be enough. The moment cannot last forever. And it kills me.

This is a positive post.

So..
Been meaning to do this one for a few days.

Things I have to look forward to after exams*:

TV

• Karin
• Seitokai no Ichizon
• Doctor Who Christmas special
• Accel World
• Daria
• Metalocalypse
• Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood

Books

• The Collector
• The rest of Raymond E. Feist's books.
• The Hunger Games again
• On the Road

Games

• Deus Ex: Human Revolution
• Assassin's Creed III
• Saint's Row: The Third
• Far Cry
• Far Cry 2
• Half-Life and its sequels
• Dragon Age: Origins
• Skyrim DLC
• Psychonauts
• The original Bioshock
• Portal

Social

• Valedictory dinner (really?)
• LAN on Christmas Day
• Soundwave

Misc

• Building my new computer!
• Earning money and paying back my dad.

*This is an incomplete list.

Ew life affirming music, get it off me!

So..'

Take me to the April sun in Cuba.

So..
I'm so tired. Not physically (though I am that a bit) but emotionally and mentally. We're doing stress in Psych at school and all I can think about is how after extended exposure to a stressor, the body becomes unable to resist any longer and enters exhaustion. I wish I had someone to talk to about my problems, but let's be honest, I just want someone to solve them. Talking wouldn't help anyway, but neither is reading my old blog posts and wondering if I can cry.  I'm desperate for VCE to be over, and I'm desperate to do well. I don't want to do my IT work, or my Lit, Psych and Maths revision. I don't want to stay awake, but I'm afraid of my nightmares and of waking up again. So I'm just sitting listening to April Sun in Cuba by Dragon, cause there's nothing in it to make me feel anything. Except now I'm trying to tell if one of the lyrics has the word "baby". Maybe it doesn't - nope there it is. Damn it. Now I need a new song.

Sorry.

another old draft "FoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKilo"

So..
I have another follower! I find this strange. Welcome to my lonely little blog Maha Baseer. You strange person.

So I'm feeling like nothing again. Sometimes I come on here and I write stuff to let my anger out, or pretend I have someone to talk to about my boring life. And then later I'm like, why did I write that? That was a terrible idea. Sometimes this period of wtf-is-wrong-with-you happens before the post and you never get to see what could have been. I'm so goddamn tired. There are no solutions to my problems except to face them and I just don't want to. I don't like the night, cause there's nothing in it anymore. I miss people I never knew. Fucking hell. I don't even know why I'm writing. I want to pretend someone will this and come to my rescue. Fuck. I don't want to be eighteen. I don't want to have to care about taxes, elections, jobs, money, adult bullshit. What's so great about eighteen. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't want to go overseas, I don't want to go to clubs, I don't want to go to brothels, I don't want to watch R-rated movies. And Australia doesn't have R-rated games. Funny shit.

I hate complaining. I hate me.
This is going in my drafts, I can't be fucked enough.

The nightmares that are my hopes and dreams are coming back to haunt me again. I just want to leave everything behind and never think further than my next paycheck.


P.S. I haven't gotten to complain like this on Blogger in aaaages.

A not so old draft. ".execute"

It appears that we have reached the edge
That zenith where stimuli and comatose collide.
Forty years ago the man proclaimed
The age of the gross to be upon us,
And even though the man was destroying our heritage,
And insulting our intelligence
That era has become very real.

We labor for pleasure and abhor the guilt of pressure
My generation will go down as the architects
Of contemporary disgust.

Some have fought and died,
Others have allowed the strong to be butchered for a price
They themselves don't care about and will never understand.
I myself am beleaguered by the selfish face
Of a kind of man that is not mankind.

Distrust in information.
Fundamentalism of opinion.
Catastrophic boredom and a fanatical devotion
To that which does. not. matter!

Where is your glory now, people?
Where are your gods and politicians?
Where is your shame and salvation?
You rage for no reason, because you have no reason.

What have you ever fought for?
What have you ever bled for?
The face of the earth is scarred with the walking dead
The age of the gross is a living virus.

This is the future you have created.
This is the world you have set ablaze!
All your lies are coming true,
All freedom is lost, All Hope is Gone!

"Run." said the voices and he ran. He ran from his past, from his parents, from his friends. From his music, from his anxiety, his depression. From his books and his bed, his heart and his soul. He ran from the girls he had liked and the women he'd loved, from his apologies and obsessions. He ran from his failures and successes, from his hopes and his dreams, from his nightmares and realities. He ran through streets and alleys, by-ways and highways, footpaths and train tracks. He ran from the smell of her hair and the taste of her skin and the way she smiled at him. He ran from his beliefs and his prejudices, his regrets and his shame. He ran from the feeling on the back of his hand, the head on his shoulder, the arms round his waist. He ran from his joy and his fury. He ran from his ideas and his memories. He ran from who he was and who he wasn't. He ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ranandheranandheranandheran.

aggressive breakdown should be a thing.

So..
Two parties in two nights, cycling through rage, anger, joy and numbness have left me emotionally and mentally exhausted. Thank god I don't have to do any work in school tomorrow. I have a stomach ache from too much sweet food and a pressure inside my head that won't let me relax. I can't concentrate and there's nothing I want to do. I can't sleep because I'm not physically tired, but I don't want to think either. So I'm writing a blog post. Cleveer.

Some things I wrote down over the past week:

"The easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves"
Because they're the ones we want to believe the most.

"You can tell a lot about a person and their state of mind through a hug"
And then a few days later:

"When a hug doesn't help, you know there's a problem"
Don't ask me what's with all the hug stuff, cause I don't have a clue.


Nothing else to say really.

What I've been listening to.

So..
Now that I've been released from the pressure of doing a good 200th post, I can get back to the business of my normal posting. I'm not going to write about what I did between my 198th and 200th posts, since I a.) can't be bothered and b.) can't remember. Which is a pity, but life goes on. Instead, here's a bunch of songs I've been listening to.

Thought this one would depress me, but it made me laugh instead. The chorus isn't amazing, but whatever.

This one did depress me once I listened to the lyrics properly.

Been meaning to listen to this again for ages, finally did. It's nice enough

... Catchy I guess. Video's not very good.

Chorus is the only good part of this to be honest

Watch this. Right now.

Ah, 90s rap.

It's a great song guys. Honest!

Old Blink-182, in preparation for Soundwave.

She's got a good voice. This video tripped me out first time I saw it though. On Rage. At like 11, when I'm half-asleep on the couch.

Meh. Fun.

Things that are in my 200th post.

• Pretty girls at parties I can't talk to
• Watching movies late at night
• The Dark Night Rises and why it's awesome
• Stand Up and Fight by Turisas and why it's awesome.
• Words with u's instead of o_e's
• Daria
• 90's music
• Lolita by the Veronicas and everything that's wrong with it
• Runaway by The Killers and how it makes me sad.
• Alternative bullshit
• How disappointing it is that alternative is the new mainstream
• Irony and the word I actually want to use
• Poor Unfortunate Souls and the importance role of Disney villains in my upbringing
• How I don't think I've actually seen Snow White
• The fact I never keep promises.
• Complaining: A Study
• Exams
• School homework and how I'm not doing it
• Flirting, how not to do it.
• Flirting, how do you do it?
• Zombie Nation by Kernkraft 400
• Raymond E Feist's novels
• Alcohol and why I hate it
• My mind and why I hate it
• My mind and why I love it
• My body and why it's dumb
• My hair and what to do with it.
• The impact of an interesting name
• Homosexuality: The pros and cons.
• Basketball: Why I should do it more.
• Suits and how buying a suit has furthered my understanding of Barney Stinson
• Money and how I don't have any.
• The irritation that springs from not being allowed to put a comma before an and.
• Why I refuse to tell anyone about my problems.
• Why I hide stuff from my friends.
• La Femme Nikita, what I thought.
• What "THIS. IS. SPARTA." is actually like in it's original context (still completely random)
• Steam, Steam sales and saving $400 by spending $100
• Why I laugh at unfunny things
• The illusion of control
• The Binding of Isaac
• How to maintain a conversation.
• Why I just can't like some people.
• The state of my shoes.
• The state of my fingers
• The state of my room (lol)
• Lol and how IM words have influenced society.
• Why I want to kill myself sometimes
• Why I want to kill everyone else sometimes.
• How boring I am
• Clubbing: Pros and Cons
• The importance of Capitalisation: Is there any?
• Anticlimaxes
• Why I won't tell disgusting jokes to girls
• Chivalry and how I'm probably not a zombie
• Why Blogger depresses me
• Why I haven't posted in so long.
• How my parents seperation has affected my grades: A SEAS application in 2000 characters
• How my mental state has affected my grades: A SEAS application in 2000 characters
• How I'm not probably not going to get to kiss a girl for a while
• Complaining: Why no-one should listen to me.
• My old drafts and why I don't want you to read them
• Pseudonyms and who they are.
• Why my grandmother being in hospital freaked me out.
• Why I like hospitals
• The importance of having a best friend.
• Why pictures of beautiful women piss me off
• Why I shouldn't miss sleep
• Why I shouldn't drink.
• How I can dance (or why I can't)
• Why my blog has a search function
• Why my birthday was a disappointment.
• What loneliness feels like (like you're standing in a room with nothing in it and you know if you go outside the room there will only be another room like the first, so you just stand there and look at the wall and you want to scream but there's no-one to hear and if no-one hears you are you even there?)
• The Mile High Club and what it's worth
• Manic depression, other mental illnesses and how the psychologist was full of shit, I'm not interesting enough to have a disorder.
• How these dot points are getting longer (I notice this stuff) and how only some of them have full stops.
• Happiness and how to bring it to people
• Blood and why I should give it
• Fucks and why I should give them (it's a joke!)
• Why I feel more comfortable talking with gay guys than gay girls
• Bisexuality and why I'm straight.
• Why talking is better than typing.
• Nail-biting as a form of self-mutilation.
• Why you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet.
• Anger and how to deal with it
• Dermatophagia
• My mother and why I don't care.
• Comedy and why its good.
• More of my personal problems in one post than the previous 199.
• How bad it is.

Dependence and Relationships.

So..
And now for something completely different


Independence

1. not being influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion,conduct, etc.; being able to think or act for oneself
2. not being subject to another's authority or jurisdiction;autonomous; free
3. being uninfluenced by the thought or action of others
4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.
5. not being reliant on another or others for aid or support.

Financial Independence

1. the state of having sufficient personal wealth to live indefinitely without having to work actively for basic necessities.
2. the ability to manage your money in such away that you have sufficient funds to live your chosen lifestyle without assistance from others.
   
3. To be able to meet all current and future cash outflows with passive cash inflows.

Emotional Independence

1. To not be reliant on the opinions and emotions of others to be happy; to not allow others to influence one's emotional state.

Relationships

I noticed a few weeks ago that you can't be taught how to be in a relationship, or how to relate to people. I say noticed, because I think I always kinda knew it, but I never actually realised it. If you know what I mean (and you should, you're smart aren't you?). Relationships, especially intimate ones, are things you have to work out on your own. And as you do, you find out more about yourself. From my relationships I think I've learned a few things about myself. I'm passionate and loving, but often superficial. I'm jealous and I don't bond with people readily. I'm trusting, but if you break my trust I'm slow to forgive. I can be manipulative if I let my self stop caring. I'm not very loyal and I apologise too much. I complain too much. I'm bad at understanding people. I take sides easily, but I don't often think badly of people.

I realised (properly realised, not just noticed) that I have better friends than I thought. I spoke to a guy at school yesterday, idly complaining about my general lack of direction, motivation or prospects. His reply was not what I expected. Instead of making a general statement about looking at the positives or some crap, as I am accustomed to, he made a sincere and thoughtful response that I didn't know how to answer. What he said itself wasn't what amazed me, but the fact that he actually went to the trouble of listening to me complaining and thought about what I said for more than the time it took to change the subject. In this fast-track brave new world, the fact that he stopped to think seems important.

This is my 199th post. I wanted to do something special for my 200th, but I can't think of one. Finally, I wanted to include an amazing quote from the book Magician by Raymond E. Feist. Unfortunately, I didn't note the page when I read it, and the thing's over 800 pages long. You should go read it, it's an amazing book. If I find the quote again it's going straight up here.


Found it. The internet is a wonderful place.


"There are many ways to love someone. Sometimes we want love so much, we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a pure and noble thing, no poor human can ever meet our vision. But for the most part, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I cherish." It doesn't entail marriage, or even physical love. There's love of parents, love of city or nation, love of life, and love of people. All different, all love."
-Raymond E. Feist, Magician. p. 438, 5th Ed.

Sweet dreams.