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So..
I have another follower! I find this strange. Welcome to my lonely little blog Maha Baseer. You strange person.

So I'm feeling like nothing again. Sometimes I come on here and I write stuff to let my anger out, or pretend I have someone to talk to about my boring life. And then later I'm like, why did I write that? That was a terrible idea. Sometimes this period of wtf-is-wrong-with-you happens before the post and you never get to see what could have been. I'm so goddamn tired. There are no solutions to my problems except to face them and I just don't want to. I don't like the night, cause there's nothing in it anymore. I miss people I never knew. Fucking hell. I don't even know why I'm writing. I want to pretend someone will this and come to my rescue. Fuck. I don't want to be eighteen. I don't want to have to care about taxes, elections, jobs, money, adult bullshit. What's so great about eighteen. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't want to go overseas, I don't want to go to clubs, I don't want to go to brothels, I don't want to watch R-rated movies. And Australia doesn't have R-rated games. Funny shit.

I hate complaining. I hate me.
This is going in my drafts, I can't be fucked enough.

The nightmares that are my hopes and dreams are coming back to haunt me again. I just want to leave everything behind and never think further than my next paycheck.


P.S. I haven't gotten to complain like this on Blogger in aaaages.

aggressive breakdown should be a thing.

So..
Two parties in two nights, cycling through rage, anger, joy and numbness have left me emotionally and mentally exhausted. Thank god I don't have to do any work in school tomorrow. I have a stomach ache from too much sweet food and a pressure inside my head that won't let me relax. I can't concentrate and there's nothing I want to do. I can't sleep because I'm not physically tired, but I don't want to think either. So I'm writing a blog post. Cleveer.

Some things I wrote down over the past week:

"The easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves"
Because they're the ones we want to believe the most.

"You can tell a lot about a person and their state of mind through a hug"
And then a few days later:

"When a hug doesn't help, you know there's a problem"
Don't ask me what's with all the hug stuff, cause I don't have a clue.


Nothing else to say really.

I thought I would be able to go to sleep listening to the rain, but then I realised the "rain" noise was my computer

So..
I don't have a bad life. I live in a good house, I have good friends. I don't have to work if I don't want to, I have access to more food than I need. If I'm cold I have a heater and warm clothes. If I'm hot I can put the cooler on, or go outside and relax in the sun. I can go to the pool, the library, the shops, the bowling alley. I'm not restricted or trapped. I have the power to make changes in my own life. I have a bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, music and games and movies. I have technology, and the world at my fingertips. I am happy, and when I'm not I will be soon enough. I've never starved, or been afraid to fall asleep, or begged for money, food, shelter. I have the luxury of not getting what I want because I have all I need. I could pick any goal to work towards, and have a decent chance of getting there. And like everyone in my position, I want more.

I haven't met someone new I considered beautiful for a long time. I'd like to I suppose. I miss the excitement, the heady joy of being in love and the amazing possibility of being loved back. I miss that. Sometimes (often) I think of the times when I was in love, and loved. But I've burned those bridges and need some more to cross. Ah fuck. I didn't want to do a post like this. I hate myself.

I just wanted to let you know I bought Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends by Coldplay today for ten dollars. It reminded me of the song Violet Hill, which is on it. I can't remember who I used to think about when I sang that song. I don't know who to think about now.


If I could have the names tattooed on my skin
of all the people I have ever loved,
whether fiercely or simply
because of a single glance
exchanged across a crowd,
or the brush of fingertips
accidentally exchanged
across a table.
Then maybe when I die
they will look at my body
and say he loved many,
and if the reasons I loved them,
were there as well,
then my entire body
shall be covered with ink -
evidence of love
and being loved,
proof of a life
lived in love
shall be written
all over my skin.


-P.S. I am Me


Goodnight.

You forgot one very important thing mate.

So..
Still don't like my last post. It was baaaad. Can't do anything about it now though.
So I'm going to go to bed and hope that in the morning everything won't seem as shit as it does right now. Oh, don't worry, I'm not sad or depressed. I just don't like being up this late reading sad truths and looking at amazing pictures that make me sad. But I'm not sad in and of myself.
Savvy?

If you write something in a poem, does it make it okay?

So..

These dark nights
Bring dark dreams
Dark thoughts
Dark silences
Dark desires
Dark wants
Dark feelings
Dark sounds
Dark words
Dark memories
Of dark places.

I couldn't sleep properly last night, but that's not very interesting is it? School's back and I want to die again. Life goes on. Stuff. I hate my hypocrisy and greed.

I'd like to think I was reliable, trustworthy, a secretkeeper and confidante. a friend. Someone worth admiring, worth loving. But I think maybe I'm not any of these things.

Fucking Melanie Tozer.

So..
I always feel awkward about writing the F word down, or typing it. When I do, the letters seem to stand out more, jump from the screen and demand my eye. It's like its more real than the other words, like its actually there. So when I write it its like the words surrounding it can't match it, it doesn't fit. Like its too powerful a word to be written. But effing and f***ing usually aren't powerful enough, so there's no middle ground I can use.

It's been a while. Christmas, New Years. What was in my last post? Not much.

My Christmas was enjoyable enough. When you get past the age of about 15 (or at least when I did) there's no magic in Christmas anymore. It's just another day, with maybe a few extra relatives coming around for lunch. I didn't get any really good presents, but I got some good ones for other people I thought. It's a good feeling to know you've gotten someone a good present, something they'll actually use or enjoy. I realised you can probably get the same enjoyment from working, when you help make someone's life easier or happier.

I was in Queensland between Christmas and New Years Eve. It was nice, relaxing, a good change of pace.
New Years Eve at Sponge's was good enough. The few days after New Years were a bit of a blur, they all just kinda meld together as one big sleepover at his. A couple of years ago my New Years was out camping with my dad, counting down while we lay on the floor eating chocolate. I hated it so I'm determined to do something every year so I don't have to go through it again. Last years New Years was good, but....well I posted about it if you care that much. This year was just good enough.

So now its 2012. My last year of high school and the hardest. I'm faced with people from school saying that this year is too important to slack off and people from my old school who don't seem to think it matters that much.

I'm moving house in a few days into a rental with my dad, while my mum stays in the house. It's an amicable separation and I'm not that worried about it, so don't worry about me. I'm old enough to accept that my parents don't want to stay together.

Its a quarter to 2 right now and I got out of bed to write this. I know I shouldn't have, but I wouldn't have posted if I'd waited til morning. I have to be up by 8 to go get the key for the rental, but I'll be fine.

Christ I really shouldn't read my old posts. Some things are better left forgotten, at there are more tears than laughs on this blog. I'm sorry I haven't been on blogger lately, I've just been busy. I got Skyrim by the way, spend way too much time playing it. And a bunch of albums I ceebs listing.

I'm happy enough. The daylight is better than the night, it just seems to swallow me up and make my thoughts wander. There's a supposedly Greek legend that I'm sure I've put up on here before. It says that humans used to have two heads, four arms and four legs. However, humans became strong and arrogant and started to challenge the gods (or something) so the head god cut all the humans in half, forcing everyone to spend their lives searching for their missing half. It's a nice enough story, but a bit too convenient I think to actually be Greek or Egyptian or whatever it was.

I'm tired of talking, and as usual, I still have so much to say. This year is going to be challenging to say the least. And no, I don't have any New Years resolutions.

I, want to kill, everybody in the world. I, want to eat your heart.

So..
Dammmit. I reaalllly wanna listen to dubstep right now but its ten to six in the morning and my neighbours wouldn't appreciate it. And I definitely don't want dad to wake up. I haven't felt tired all night, which can't be good. Hmmm. I guess I should get some homework done.

My head aches. Fuck.

As long as I breathe, I'll call you my home.

So..
I'm feeling better. I want to go to bed and I'm writing this to avoid my Psych homework, but I'm feeling better.
This is my new favourite song. I wanted to cry listening to it this morning. Isn't that crazy? Still, I thought it was beautiful, emotional. No accounting for taste I suppose.

Sometimes I just want to listen to soft songs, happy love songs. Too bad I can't remember any. I found this though, which suits.

 

I don't know what else to say. Please listen to both songs. They're good, I promise.

So yeah...:)

Back to Psych I guess.

Trainspotting

So..
Isn't this nice? Exams are over and all but one of my assignments are in. In theory, and probably more likely than I think, I can still fail this semester. For now though, It's 130 in the morning and I don't want to think about anything. Thinking is so tiring sometimes. It feels like I get so little real enjoyment out of life these days. I should have gone out tonight, but I stayed home and played games. Now that exams are over I feel like I'm allowed to play games now. I'm not really. When I go through something as tense and stressful as exams, after its over I lose all the tension and fear and I don't do anything. Which would be perfectly fine if I didnt have maths and philosophy tests this week. Let me not think on't.

I wonder about my writing a lot while I type. When I write like this, its kinda like I'm talking to someone. I think I overuse commas and in essays that probably breaks flow or something. I dont actually care, it just worries me. I getting really good at touch typing now (I say as I furiously backspace misspelt words) which is cool. Hmmm.

So yeah, games games games. And its annoying, because now I have all the time I want to play, I don't want to. I've started Duke Nukem Forever - biggest waste of 130 bucks I ever spent - and now I'm stuck at a point in the Black Ops singleplayer, bored with its multiplayer because I suck at it (remind me never to play shooters on consoles) and bored with COD4 as well. I downloaded TF2 now that it's free, but I haven't even launched it yet. What else? Basically I've got a shitload of games and I don't want to play any of them.

When I'm bored I'll often come up with stuff to put up here, and now that I've got a snazzy new phone I can write them down whenever I've got a moment. Here's one I wrote a while back, been meaning to put up:

Maybe it's a little different, wherever you may live, but all the train stations in my city have a yellow line painted near the edge of the platform. The idea, of course, is that you don't cross the yellow line unless you're actually getting in the train. Its a good little rule for mothers to tell their children, but me being me, I don't listen. My favourite thing to do is step past the line as the train gets close to me. The driver looks apprehensive, and then the train rushes past in a torrent of wind and metal. There's this terrifying rush of adrenaline and fear, the knowledge that if I move but a metre forward I will die. The wind makes my eyes water and its almost an effort of will to not jump back, away from this howling monster machine. When you take the train as often as I do, you forget its a hunk of metal going 40 kilometers an hour and you forget how powerless you are against it. Its important to remember that even if we create something, doesn't mean we conntrol it, or are better than it.

I typed all that up during - you guessed it - the train ride home on a program called Evernote. I admit I just copied and pasted from my Evernote account on the computer - its too damn late to type it up.

So yeah, that's all I got to say for my self. I'm now going to go to bed. Or not. With me I can never tell.
Night!

Give in to the night.

So..
Do you like the dark? I love it. When its dark there's this little rush I get from this feeling of danger and excitement. I love being out at night. In the moonlight I sometimes I feel I can do anything, be anyone I want to be. At night I can do things I'd never do in the day. At night I make promises I truly believe I'll keep. The cold light of day shows me as I am, but the night brings out what I wish I was.