In two months, I won't remember what this post is about.

So..
Normally, I sit at my computer and talk to maybe one person online a day on average. So when I'm trying to help 4 people at once, in the middle of exams, confused as hell, I have to resort to desperate measures. Like singing along to Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.


Later....
 If I held you in my arms any longer I'm afraid I would have kissed you and that can't happen.

I miss you, I'm not gonna crack

I love you, I'm not gonna crack

-Nirvana, Lithium

DId you know that can have a rather long larval stage before becoming an adult and flying?

So..

Once upon a time, what would one day be a dragonfly was born. And as it grew, it learned more about the world around it. It learned about the lake in which it lived, the way the algae grew over a small hole that it could hide in and no one could find it. It learned about the plankton that lived in the sand on the lake floor and what food would make it grow strong. It learned to escape its predators by hiding in the sand itself, or slipping between cracks in the rock where it couldn't be reached. It spent a year like this, learning and growing. But dragonflies don't live very long.

One day, our soon-to-be dragonfly felt restless. The water paradise it had lived in seemed small, now that every inch of it had been uncovered. The algae covered hole it had loved so much was too small, its walls to stifling. So, it swam to where the light had come from, all the days of its life, despairing of its tiny domain. But at that seemingly impenetrable barrier, the dragonfly (for it is a dragonfly now) found its escape. Climbing a reed, compelled by something it couldn't explain, the dragonfly emerged from the water, to find a world of sound and light. Its gills, so dependable, were now superfluous and our dragonfly fought to breathe. Choking, it almost sank beneath the water again, but suddenly the dragonfly realised that its gills still worked, it just needed to breathe a little differently. Its skin spilt and from it our dragonfly rose, triumphant, easily moving through the air, rejoicing in its new wings and wide new world. But dragonflies don't live very long.

And so the dragonfly learned again. It found other dragonflies and created a place for itself near its old home. And each day it set out, finding food, evading birds and reptiles that sought to take it as food. It met another dragonfly and together they lay the eggs into the lake, to start the cycle anew. It had good days and bad days, victories and failures, times when in soared in the spring rain and times when it huddled up in a hole, like it was a newborn again, to escape the snow and cold. And eventually, on a fine spring day, the dragonfly fled from a sparrow and in a flash of insight realised it wouldn't get away. And before it was swallowed, it remembered the eggs it had left behind, the other dragonflies it had met and loved, the months it had spent wandering free in the world of light it had come to. And it died happily. Because dragonflies don't live very long. But they don't need to. Because dragonflies live very, very well.



I'm not sure if this is a happy story (I wrote it yes). I tried to make it one, but it came out a bit funny. I think a depressed person would find it suffocatingly optimistic, while a happy person would fine it pleasantly thoughtful. So I guess that makes it happy?

Also, I know nothing about dragonflies except what I just read off Wikipedia, so don't quote anything I said as fact. Have a nice weekend :)

PKM

So..
It's like this. Sometimes I come across something, or indeed someone, or some moment, some event, whatever. And its so perfect - and perfect is the only word I can use, just perfect (I looked up synonyms and all) - that you I just want to take it, imprison it, hold it forever, never let it go. But I know no matter what I do, how far I go and how high I rise, I can't own it completely. Nothing will ever be enough. The moment cannot last forever. And it kills me.

another old draft "FoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKilo"

So..
I have another follower! I find this strange. Welcome to my lonely little blog Maha Baseer. You strange person.

So I'm feeling like nothing again. Sometimes I come on here and I write stuff to let my anger out, or pretend I have someone to talk to about my boring life. And then later I'm like, why did I write that? That was a terrible idea. Sometimes this period of wtf-is-wrong-with-you happens before the post and you never get to see what could have been. I'm so goddamn tired. There are no solutions to my problems except to face them and I just don't want to. I don't like the night, cause there's nothing in it anymore. I miss people I never knew. Fucking hell. I don't even know why I'm writing. I want to pretend someone will this and come to my rescue. Fuck. I don't want to be eighteen. I don't want to have to care about taxes, elections, jobs, money, adult bullshit. What's so great about eighteen. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't want to go overseas, I don't want to go to clubs, I don't want to go to brothels, I don't want to watch R-rated movies. And Australia doesn't have R-rated games. Funny shit.

I hate complaining. I hate me.
This is going in my drafts, I can't be fucked enough.

The nightmares that are my hopes and dreams are coming back to haunt me again. I just want to leave everything behind and never think further than my next paycheck.


P.S. I haven't gotten to complain like this on Blogger in aaaages.

A not so old draft. ".execute"

It appears that we have reached the edge
That zenith where stimuli and comatose collide.
Forty years ago the man proclaimed
The age of the gross to be upon us,
And even though the man was destroying our heritage,
And insulting our intelligence
That era has become very real.

We labor for pleasure and abhor the guilt of pressure
My generation will go down as the architects
Of contemporary disgust.

Some have fought and died,
Others have allowed the strong to be butchered for a price
They themselves don't care about and will never understand.
I myself am beleaguered by the selfish face
Of a kind of man that is not mankind.

Distrust in information.
Fundamentalism of opinion.
Catastrophic boredom and a fanatical devotion
To that which does. not. matter!

Where is your glory now, people?
Where are your gods and politicians?
Where is your shame and salvation?
You rage for no reason, because you have no reason.

What have you ever fought for?
What have you ever bled for?
The face of the earth is scarred with the walking dead
The age of the gross is a living virus.

This is the future you have created.
This is the world you have set ablaze!
All your lies are coming true,
All freedom is lost, All Hope is Gone!

"Run." said the voices and he ran. He ran from his past, from his parents, from his friends. From his music, from his anxiety, his depression. From his books and his bed, his heart and his soul. He ran from the girls he had liked and the women he'd loved, from his apologies and obsessions. He ran from his failures and successes, from his hopes and his dreams, from his nightmares and realities. He ran through streets and alleys, by-ways and highways, footpaths and train tracks. He ran from the smell of her hair and the taste of her skin and the way she smiled at him. He ran from his beliefs and his prejudices, his regrets and his shame. He ran from the feeling on the back of his hand, the head on his shoulder, the arms round his waist. He ran from his joy and his fury. He ran from his ideas and his memories. He ran from who he was and who he wasn't. He ran and he ran and he ran and he ran and he ranandheranandheranandheran.

I want you to hit me, as hard as you can.

So..
Yeah.. I kinda flipped last post. I was in a bad mood and I got angry. Sorry if anyone was offended. Which I doubt, but you never know.

I just spent ten minutes reading some old posts - again. God I sound so interesting don't I? Mysterious little boy with not so much honeyed words as unmindful honesty and lies. Not so much lies as misdirections... anyway.

I often compose blog posts in my head when I'm going somewhere and I don't have anything to focus on. It helps to organise myself I guess. So I walked  back from Wombat's house and thought about my day and what tomorrow would bring and how I felt. I saw the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie today with Wombat and CG and Nova. It was enjoyable enough. I wonder whether I was a good enough host, considering I didn't do much.
It's holidays, by the way, but only for another week. I have four SACs when I get back, so I need to get some revision done. And I'm tired now, so I'll go to bed after this.

Due to the unfortunate fact that I do not have complete control over my own thought processes, I have been forced to think about things I'd rather not. So. I do not have a crush on anyone. I don't. Don't don't don't. Don't. I can't be bothered and don't have the time for a girlfriend. So I'm not going to think about anything except school if I can help it. I won't think about how I'm not going to social, or formal, or schoolies. I'm not going to think about how many movies I want to see and all the books I want to read. I'm not going to think about anything except how important school is and how I'm going to focus on it. I'm most certainly not going to think about my dreams. 
Why am I even saying this. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit. I really don't like this post.


I'm tired. I had an annoying dream. I've been playing Skyrim and COD6 and my laptop got fixed. Got some homework to do. That is all.



Godammit I hate my asshole writing.


Feel free to avoid commenting.

Hey look, a completely unrelated picture!

Fucking Melanie Tozer.

So..
I always feel awkward about writing the F word down, or typing it. When I do, the letters seem to stand out more, jump from the screen and demand my eye. It's like its more real than the other words, like its actually there. So when I write it its like the words surrounding it can't match it, it doesn't fit. Like its too powerful a word to be written. But effing and f***ing usually aren't powerful enough, so there's no middle ground I can use.

It's been a while. Christmas, New Years. What was in my last post? Not much.

My Christmas was enjoyable enough. When you get past the age of about 15 (or at least when I did) there's no magic in Christmas anymore. It's just another day, with maybe a few extra relatives coming around for lunch. I didn't get any really good presents, but I got some good ones for other people I thought. It's a good feeling to know you've gotten someone a good present, something they'll actually use or enjoy. I realised you can probably get the same enjoyment from working, when you help make someone's life easier or happier.

I was in Queensland between Christmas and New Years Eve. It was nice, relaxing, a good change of pace.
New Years Eve at Sponge's was good enough. The few days after New Years were a bit of a blur, they all just kinda meld together as one big sleepover at his. A couple of years ago my New Years was out camping with my dad, counting down while we lay on the floor eating chocolate. I hated it so I'm determined to do something every year so I don't have to go through it again. Last years New Years was good, but....well I posted about it if you care that much. This year was just good enough.

So now its 2012. My last year of high school and the hardest. I'm faced with people from school saying that this year is too important to slack off and people from my old school who don't seem to think it matters that much.

I'm moving house in a few days into a rental with my dad, while my mum stays in the house. It's an amicable separation and I'm not that worried about it, so don't worry about me. I'm old enough to accept that my parents don't want to stay together.

Its a quarter to 2 right now and I got out of bed to write this. I know I shouldn't have, but I wouldn't have posted if I'd waited til morning. I have to be up by 8 to go get the key for the rental, but I'll be fine.

Christ I really shouldn't read my old posts. Some things are better left forgotten, at there are more tears than laughs on this blog. I'm sorry I haven't been on blogger lately, I've just been busy. I got Skyrim by the way, spend way too much time playing it. And a bunch of albums I ceebs listing.

I'm happy enough. The daylight is better than the night, it just seems to swallow me up and make my thoughts wander. There's a supposedly Greek legend that I'm sure I've put up on here before. It says that humans used to have two heads, four arms and four legs. However, humans became strong and arrogant and started to challenge the gods (or something) so the head god cut all the humans in half, forcing everyone to spend their lives searching for their missing half. It's a nice enough story, but a bit too convenient I think to actually be Greek or Egyptian or whatever it was.

I'm tired of talking, and as usual, I still have so much to say. This year is going to be challenging to say the least. And no, I don't have any New Years resolutions.

I don't love you, but give me a chance and I'd follow you forever

So..
Sometimes it takes a drunk best friend alternating between apologising profusely and telling you how amazing you are to make you see what's important. And sometimes it takes a drunk best friend explaining how much he hates his life to make you see how universal your problems are. I don't drink. Full stop. But I can see the attraction in inhibitions. I want to lay my heart out too and watch it lie raw and bloody on the kitchen floor. There's somethings you can't explain properly, that you can't tell anyone for fear of them misunderstanding. So I keep some of it locked up. Its okay usually. I should stop switching between first and second-person styles. Whatever. Shuriken is a cool word. Shuriken. Shoo-ree-ken. Hmm.
I've been writing a lot of vague stuff these past few months huh? I think I'm trying to express something that can't be expressed in words. But I try anyway. I miss us.
But like I (sorta) said to him last night; you gotta let stuff go. You can't let your past rule your present. Keep regretting to a minimum. What I didn't tell him, but I realised last night, is that as well as the memories and regrets you have to let go, there's some you should cling to. Because it's sad when you forget the things that once made you so happy. And I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. Freakin' Albert Camus. Absurdist nutjob. Anyway. I'm fucked. I'm reading a book called "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden". It's about a crazy girl who goes to an asylum. I'm partway through, but that asylum looks pretty tempting to me. The thing is, I think (to completely go off track for a moment) that if you ignore your responsibilities (that's a lot of "i"'s) you lose your privileges.
So I went to a party last night. I wasn't going to, but I did. I'm wondering if I regret going or not. I'm not sure. There were good bits and bad bits. I think it was good that I went, but I should have done a few things differently. Differently how I don't know. I'm just not good at parties.
*sings* There is no longer you and I.

I lost my iPod at school, so I've put a few songs on my phone. But headphones don't work with my phone because it's stupid so I mostly listen to new songs on Youtube.

I haven't done any homework in a long time. I can't bring myself to care. So I lie to my teachers and my parents and my friends about how much I'm doing and how much sleep I'm getting and how I'm spending my time. I want to play COD, but not enough to be bothered setting it up.
I think this post is a little different to the others. I'm not writing anything in particular, just what springs to mind. I'm sorry if I'm boring. Haha. I'm apologising and that's funny. Urgh. I'm just...disconnected. I wish I was a sociopath, but I'm not. I wish I was depressive, or bipolar, or an insomniac. You know you're a bit strange when suicide is too much work. I don't mean that. I'm not suicidal. I'm not anything. I think I'm just going to sit here for a while staring at the walls. I must sound strange. I'm not. I'm fine. Normal. Boring. Urgh. Or maybe I'll find something on We Heart It to cheer me up/depress me.

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost:

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. 

Please don't take me seriously. I couldn't bear it if you did.

 

Hehe.

  

 

 

Kinda appropriate, and damn clever.

I'm not proofreading all that. I'm in a better mood now though. Night.

Given to a girl, written by a boy.

So..
*drums fingers on desk* A little over a week since my last post. Given my track record its not that bad, but it's felt like a while, particularly since I've had so much I wanted to talk about. Now, sadly, the moment is gone and I don't feel like saying anything in particular. I do need to do Lilah's "Dear You" tag, so lets run with that.
To be honest, I'm still not sure who I want to write to, if anyone. I've had a few ideas though, so I'm just going to do it and see how it goes. One moment while I find some appropriate music. Sum 41 and Three Days Grace are what I've ended up listening to lately, so on they go. Oh, and Ruthless by Something Corporate. Of course.
So.

Dear You,
I thought I saw you today. Walking out of Flinders Street Station and there was a girl with her back to me with the exact same stupid shade of hair you dyed it. I didn't freeze, I just watched carefully until she turned around and it wasn't you. Of course not. But it made me think, what would I have done if it was you? Walked up and said hi? Snuck past? I imagined catching your eye and putting a finger to my lips before sauntering off. That's what I do you see. I imagine situations, not just with you, but lots of people, where I manage to say the right things, do the right things. I'm always the height of cool in my head. Whenever I try anything like that in real life of course, it fails terribly. So I keep imagining, keep living in my head, picturing the perfect put down's to crush the people I hate, the perfect comments to brighten the lives of the people around me. Pretending Tyler's words could come out of my mouth.
But that won't ever happen. At least, not with you. Do you understand that? I used to promise you I'd be there for you forever, but I knew I was lying. Because now you're with him I can't be. And I can't confide in you either, despite what you said. I know that you mean the best, and you're only being a good friend but I can't handle it. I shouldn't even be thinking about you, in case it hurts again. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at you again without that pain, but funnily enough I don't want that either. I'm not sure, but maybe I just want the memory of what I once meant to a beautiful, sexy girl before she left me. So for that I thank you. And if you do need someone to confide in, I will be here. It might hurt but I'd do it anyway just to mean something to you again. But you have to figure that out yourself, I won't help you with that.

From (I won't say Love, not again)

Me.

Wow. That went better than I expected. Or worse. See, I do have things to get off my chest. Hmmm. Should I do another one? I had three hours sleep last night - did I already say that? Appears not.

I have to stay up a little longer for various reasons, so let's do another one. I could honestly do four or five, with all the stuff I'm not saying to people. Huh. I actually hadn't thought about that til now. I actually have a heap of stuff I could say to people. What does that imply? Often, or at least lately, I feel so distanced from people. But that's a discussion I won't go into right now. It's long, pretentious and depressing. Besides, just because I have things to say, doesn't mean I should say them. Loose lips sink ships and all that. Or is that the wrong turn of phrase. It is. Oh well. Ceebs backspacing.

Anyway, where was I?

Dear You,
I saw you recently. You walked straight past me and didn't even notice I was there. I didn't mind. You looked good, back straight, hair slightly windswept, determined look on face, bag over one shoulder, earphones in, woman power etcetera etcetera. I just wanted to mention that, I didn't have anything too important to say. Hope you're well. I assume you are. Hmm. perhaps I should have thought this out more before I started. FYI, typing in gloves is hard.

(platonic) Love,

Me (can I say Jokerman?)

Incidentally, platonic love is named after the Greek philosopher Plato. He talks about love in a platonic way (obviously) in the philosophical text Gorgias, and perhaps some of his other pieces. And typing is gloves is a bitch. I'm managing though. I'm wearing gloves at home now so I don't chew my fingernails to the root. My fingers look terrible. Hurrumph.

So I guess I better get ready for bed before I collapse. I suppose I have other things to say, but they can wait. I apologise for a lack of pictures, if you want I can start making a point of putting some in. Just let me know. I think I might chill on We Heart It for a bit while I wait for my work to finish up. Don't ask me how that makes sense, it just does. Wow I'm tired. Good night.

Oh shite. Almost forgot the most important part. I HAZ TEH NEW FOLLOWER! I apologise for caps, (god knows I hate caps lock normally) but its been a while. Welcome, welcome, welcome Rebecca. I hope we haven't scared you.

Now I really  need to go to bed. Nighty night.

So..
My thoughts are all jumbled in my head and I'm so good at getting myself down. I need to take control of some things, but I don't wanna. I'm stalling I realise, but I don't care. Just because I know I'm doing something, doesn't mean I can stop it. I don't think before I speak. I keep shouting at people my parents. Its...weird. I'm really really lonely.
Going to a Rise Against concert tomorrow. Gonna be awesome... hopefully. Listen to their new single Make It Stop (September Children). Yes that's an order. The lead singer was inspired to write it after seven (was it seven? I don't want to go on Wikipedia to check) LGBT teenagers committed suicide in September last year. I heard it a couple of times last night - yay Youtube - but this morning I played it in the car and I was close to crying by the end. Dunno why it was then but whatever. In fact, I'll embed it here. If I can...



Looks like it worked. Dad's being irritating. DAD GO AWAY. Urgh. I snapped at him. I just don't fucking care sometimes.

FUCK OFF DAD. 

There's a party on Friday night. Could be fun, but I can't find the tux I was going to wear. It's my brother's second hand one - mum's probably done something with it the bitch God I want to scream sometimes.

So anyway. I haven't talked about music for a while huh? Rise Against of course, but check out Nero's songs "Promises" "Guilt" "Me and You" and "Innocence". Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO - no doubt you've heard it already - as well as "Champagne Showers" and "Shots"
Slam by Pendulum and Camo & Krooked's remix of "Monster" by Professor Green. Very awesome.
Wow April? That's how long since I did a New Music list? Wow. There's Rammstein, Pendulum, Nightwish, Bliss n Eso, After Forever, shitloads of stuff. None of which I'm going to do tonight. Besides, if I dump it all on you at once, any minute chance you'd actually check it out would probably disappear.

I'd get a job, but i can't be bothered. I'd start a new blog, but I can't be bothered. I'd try in school, but I can't be bothered. I'd quit school, but I can't be bothered. I'd go outside, but I can't be bothered. I'd do a lot of things, but I can't be bothered. And let's face it, you can't be bothered reading this. I want.. a lot of things. who cares.

Why the hell does anyone ever get up in the morning? Why bother? Why keep trying? Why? Why? WHY?

 

I am a copy of a copy of a copy. a clone. Nothing. I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake. I am the same decaying organic matter as everything else. My ideas are plagarism. My life has been done before. My problems are old ones. My tragedies are boring and repetitive. There was only so much originality in the world and now it is gone. I was born original. I will die a copy. I do not. Fucking. Care.

So..
I can't believe I only posted once during the holidays. And it was... what it was. You can see it. But I'm past that, for now.

Of course I can't believe a few things right now. Like that I haven't done any homework in two weeks. That the holidays are over. I'm listening to Fight Club as I type. It's fascinating. I watched it again recently, on a whim. Then I listened to it on the train instead of music. I want to learn all the words. Like a song. Now that I want to learn the script off by heart, I immediately have a new appreciation for actors.
What else. Marla Singer has more right to be at testicular cancer. Watch Fight Club. Buy it. The book and the movie. Read it.
Or don't. What will I care.

I wrote this recently. I forget why.
Thank God for bad television, Ginger beer and emotion suppression.
I wish I could say thank God for cheap cigarettes and cheap drinks but I can't and won't. 


I want to feel this again:
Moskau
I put my headphones in my ears, clicked shuffle and then for a second i wasn't there. Raw power flooded my system and suddenly I wasn't cold, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't worried or alone. In that second all I was was me, perfectly, purely me! And it felt good.

Listen to Gateways by Dimmu Borgir.

Give yourself to the music.
I just feel like talking. Holidays felt good. Of course, they were too short. My computer keeps stuffing up. I'm getting up at 7 tomorrow. Can't believe it. Can't comprehend it, can't process it. Like when I heard that Saint Basil's Cathedral is 450 years old and I could understand how old that is, but the concept that the Coliseum is over 2 thousand years old is incomprehensible. How do you grasp something like that? I can't do it and I doubt you can. Not really. Beyond a certain point years become merely words.



Death was the only absolute value in my world. Lose life and one would lose nothing again forever. Death was far more certain than God, and with death there would no longer be the daily possibility of love dying. The nightmare of a future of boredom and indifference would lift. I could never have been a pacifist. To kill a man was surely to grant him an immeasurable benefit.

-Graham Green, The Quiet American

DON'T!

So..
I have so much to say, as always, but its late and I have to get up early so all have time to say is what I must say, to get it out of me.

Don't. Just don't. Don't go there, don't give it a try, don't think maybe don't think what if. Don't. Don't go down that path again, you'll just end up at the bottom. Don't do it. Not again. Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up and still don't. Don't think of it. Get up and get dressed and keep busy and make sure that you don't! It won't help it won't heal if you pick at it. So just don't. Don't and keep don'ting until you don't even think of doing it. Finish the post. Close the computer. Turn off your phone, clean your teeth set your alarm go to sleep and don't. Don't dream of it either. You know how it all ends. So just don't.

Are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

So..
This is called, unsurprisingly, "I Miss". I have a Philosophy SAC tomorrow. School is a bitch sometimes. But hey, holidays in two days :)


I miss thinking love was real.
I miss thinking kisses in the rain were the sexiest things in the world.
I miss the years when 10 o' clock was staying up late and 7 30 was getting up early.
I miss extinguishing candles with my fingers.
I miss sneaking peeks of the girl I liked in the middle of class.
I miss when "just friends" was more than enough.
I miss when chocolate was a guilty pleasure.
I miss going for days without my parents fighting.
I miss being able to talk to my mum without arguing.
I miss being able to see both sides of an argument.
I miss when my brother was the coolest guy I knew.
I miss feeling grown up because I had homework to do.
I miss when the marks didn't matter.
I miss believing that it wasn't whether I won or lost, but only how I played the game.
I miss feeling invincible.
I miss thinking I was smart.
I miss not having to choose between friends.
I miss those years where going over to someone's house was a big event.
I miss being able to bury my head in a book and ignore the world around me, not caring what people thought of me.
I miss being happy about being different instead of worried.
I miss when I didn't care about fitting in, and my mother was my best friend.
I miss standing up for what I thought was right.
I miss caring about my own life.
I miss being sure of my future career.
I miss being afraid of the monsters under the bed and not having any inside me
I miss nighttime being another world, rather than my natural habitat.
I miss wanting to go to sleep, first because I could sleep all I want instead of getting up early, then because sleep was fun rather than a bore, then because I wanted tomorrow to come quicker rather than never at all and finally because I wanted to dream of someone special, not dream of times long past.

I hope that made sense. May I suggest you try it yourself? I had 27 things I've missed, do at least 17. Now for Philosophy. Toodles.

Trainspotting

So..
Isn't this nice? Exams are over and all but one of my assignments are in. In theory, and probably more likely than I think, I can still fail this semester. For now though, It's 130 in the morning and I don't want to think about anything. Thinking is so tiring sometimes. It feels like I get so little real enjoyment out of life these days. I should have gone out tonight, but I stayed home and played games. Now that exams are over I feel like I'm allowed to play games now. I'm not really. When I go through something as tense and stressful as exams, after its over I lose all the tension and fear and I don't do anything. Which would be perfectly fine if I didnt have maths and philosophy tests this week. Let me not think on't.

I wonder about my writing a lot while I type. When I write like this, its kinda like I'm talking to someone. I think I overuse commas and in essays that probably breaks flow or something. I dont actually care, it just worries me. I getting really good at touch typing now (I say as I furiously backspace misspelt words) which is cool. Hmmm.

So yeah, games games games. And its annoying, because now I have all the time I want to play, I don't want to. I've started Duke Nukem Forever - biggest waste of 130 bucks I ever spent - and now I'm stuck at a point in the Black Ops singleplayer, bored with its multiplayer because I suck at it (remind me never to play shooters on consoles) and bored with COD4 as well. I downloaded TF2 now that it's free, but I haven't even launched it yet. What else? Basically I've got a shitload of games and I don't want to play any of them.

When I'm bored I'll often come up with stuff to put up here, and now that I've got a snazzy new phone I can write them down whenever I've got a moment. Here's one I wrote a while back, been meaning to put up:

Maybe it's a little different, wherever you may live, but all the train stations in my city have a yellow line painted near the edge of the platform. The idea, of course, is that you don't cross the yellow line unless you're actually getting in the train. Its a good little rule for mothers to tell their children, but me being me, I don't listen. My favourite thing to do is step past the line as the train gets close to me. The driver looks apprehensive, and then the train rushes past in a torrent of wind and metal. There's this terrifying rush of adrenaline and fear, the knowledge that if I move but a metre forward I will die. The wind makes my eyes water and its almost an effort of will to not jump back, away from this howling monster machine. When you take the train as often as I do, you forget its a hunk of metal going 40 kilometers an hour and you forget how powerless you are against it. Its important to remember that even if we create something, doesn't mean we conntrol it, or are better than it.

I typed all that up during - you guessed it - the train ride home on a program called Evernote. I admit I just copied and pasted from my Evernote account on the computer - its too damn late to type it up.

So yeah, that's all I got to say for my self. I'm now going to go to bed. Or not. With me I can never tell.
Night!

Little things.

So..

You know how, when you watch a TV show, or a movie, and the story's great and all, but there's things you don't see, assumed things, vaguely referenced things, things that don't go in a story. Like, in Harry Potter, you don't see every Potions class, or every time Harry practises on his broom stick. You don't see the quick hellos in the hallways, the bedtime chats about whatever Quidditch team Ron goes for (I forget). And it's these things, these assumed, unimportant things, that make reality reality and story story. And sometimes it's these things that make my day - a surprise hi from someone I don't know so well, the quiet contemplation on the way home, a chance compliment or joke. And sometimes it's these things, over time, that ruin my days. The homework left unfinished, the quiet insult in class, the time wasted in unproductive boredom. I think it's these things, these small unimportant moments, are what shape us, what makes us who we are. That's all. At the end of the day Harry and Hermione and Ron and Ginny and all those characters are going to have memories of their big moments, the big things, but the little things, after all that, are what will affect them, without thinking of them at all. I've rambled. This isn't the post I meant to write at all. Interesting. Goodnight.

I wonder if I'll be okay in the end.

So..
I wrote something in my phone, tapping away at the touch screen on a failed trip to my mind. I need to do some homework now I always need to and I know I shouldn't be writing this - I know what I should be doing, so writing something that isn't my Lit essay, or my three English essays feels like giving up. So now I'm hoping praying pleading Joker listen to yourself don't ignore my screams that what I'm writing here will be a trigger for more writing.

So this is what I wrote. I believed it at the time. I haven't changed a word.


Sea of Humanity
I'm tumbling down through a sea of humanity. The realization that nothing actually matters is final and freeing. If nothing matters, then no one matters either. Fairness becomes irrelevant, manners pointless, kindness verges on debilitating. If rudeness is easier than no reason remain to not be rude. If I want something, taking it is only logical. Hatred and jealousy become tools rather than weaknesses and faults. My life becomes my own to do with it what I will. Questions of sanity, reason, etc. are unimportant. Lost in a sea of humanity, humanity itself is increasingly unimportant. 'Common values' drift away, useless in a world bereft of meaning. Bits of me peel off, taken by this reeking bilge water of people. why should I care if I am considered inhuman? Even if I still cared for the opinion of others, I do not wish to be a part of this curse on the earth. Emotions only delay my departure, some remaining desire for companionship only slows my desperate fall. Far better to be alone away from the insane mass of hate, passion, love, indifference, that is society. Any desire I had to be a part of this is long gone. Let [me] be free, or let me die.


No one can control me. By their own misguided laws they cannot touch me. They can take away things from me and I certainly have plenty to lose, but there is nothing to threaten me with, nothing I care for enough to worry about losing. And when they take everything they can and still cannot control me, then I have won.


That's it. If you read it (which I doubt - it's not worth it) then you can see it's bad. Its not clever, or informative or anything important. Just the whining of a spoiled brat not getting what he wants. I do that a lot.


It was my birthday two days ago. I've stopped caring about giving bits of my self away. So you know when my birthday is. Good for you. I'm not stupid enough to allow any of my passwords to have anything to do with anything as basic as my birthday. It's just a date anyway. Birthdays aren't that significant I think. I certainly don't put much by mine. I'm seventeen. I've felt seventeen for a while now.

I can't think of any of the fascinating, interesting things I was going to say. I think I'm trying to reach out, find something that means something. Or someone, more likely. I'm not heartless, I'm not empty, I'm not a monster. I'm just taking a while to get over my broken heart. Pathetic.

Clock:

I hope I can make it through to the holidays.

Hime:

Do you know who you are? I doubt it. I'm getting tired of having to care about you.

Droid:

You don't seem to understand how I feel about you.

Meth:

I hope you die alone.

Wombat and Sponge:

You guys deserve a better friend than I.

Soulless:

It's funny how the simplest line can start something.

You:

Why?

Everyone else, I can't be bothered thinking of something to say.

My new theory (I have a few) is that the idea that we're all going to die because of global warming is one I've grown up with. That the apocalypse is now, and why bother doing anything long term if we're all going to hell in our lifetimes. Is that why I don't care?

 It kills me not to know this,

But I've all but just forgotten,

What the colour of her eyes were,

And her scars or how she got them.

-Savior by Rise Against

I can still remember the words and what they meant

-Audience of One by Rise Against

Do you remember? You stupid bitch you said you cried at what I said. Now we're far apart and aren't you fucking happy.

We're OK!

Until the day we're not.

150 times I've opened my heart and bled onto the screen.

So..
I kept trying to to make a really good 150th post to commemorate it, but if I just keep waiting the pressure will keep piling up and I'll never do one I'll think is good enough. Instead, here's a post to commemorate my 150th post. As I write this I think that it'd be a good idea to talk about what's happened in 150 posts. *opens blog in new tab*

I started this blog a year and a half ago for the simple reason that the girl I liked told me to. I'm a simple guy at heart :).
This blog has seen, and seen me through, so many things. Commence Download has watched my love for music and metal grow, my first girlfriend come and go, it's seen me make friends and lose them, fall in love and out again. It's seen my discovery of We Heart It and blogging (obviously). It's been here while I played Minecraft and COD and it's still been here when I stopped. It's seen me excel and fail, worry and relax. I've regretted things written here and I've been proud of them too. I've hated myself here, and loved everything as well. What it shows is not me, in truth, but a version of me. A me I would hope to be, a me that the world can see and judge. It doesn't hold my every thought, secret or creation. It holds things I wouldn't tell people normally. Here (and in the internet in general) I create my own identity, based on the merits of what I say and do online, rather than how I look, or talk, or act. This blog isn't perfect, and I probably end up telling half-truths to make myself look better. This blog, in the end, is the evolution of a year and a half of... me. I don't know how to put it better than that.
Hope you like this blog, but if you don't, it doesn't matter.

So..
A promise is a promise is a promise. Here's another wonderful Cassie tag, created by Erimentha and becoming widespread on the blogs I follow (you guys). I heartily invite you all to do it (it's fun and feels good). The rules are (let me check) you have to include the bolded stuff, link it back to Eri and tag three people you admire. I was "tagged" by Dandalily, which is to say she made me do it. But it is fun, so go ahead.

Abracadabra Wow!
I like boys with a sense of chivalry and girls who trust me.

I like trying to get people who belong together, together.

I like the number 17 written in Roman numerals.

I like how my pencil case has stuff written on it like the cool kids.

I like Melbourne weather, when its 28 degrees and pissing down rain.
I like the Batman.
I like living for myself.
I like songs written other languages that still have really cool sounding lines :P
I like elegance. There really can be elegance in everything.

I like little perfect moments.

I like having friends who care about me.

I like walking around in public barefoot.
I love half smiles.
Today didn't do anything particularly noteworthy, but that's okay.

In some ways, I love everything.Its less, its less of a thing to like,
its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything. There’s more choice in like

Cos even the worst things have things you love in them

I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate the hate part of the Cassie tag. It depresses me. Maybe this time it won't?
I hate bad goodbyes, even if it's just not seeing a friend off properly after a sleepover.
I hate it when songs I love mention a year, so I have trouble relating to it. Specifically, Golden Years by Bliss n Eso and Summer of '69 by..Bryan Adams?
I hate insulting nicknames.
I hate being betrayed by someone I thought was a friend.
I hate it when I act like a total dick and don't apologise.
I hate endings, in books, movies, friendships, whatever but in a way I know that everything has to end. Except Gobstoppers. That shit lasts forever :P
I hate the piano half of Layla by Derek and Dominoes. The first half is amazing though.
I hate soft chocolate. The best chocolate is cool and hard.

I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

Man I'm tired. Sort of. Saw Batman Begins and The Dark Knight last night, after Dandalily invited me over out of the blue. Sloth was there. Good fun. I ate all the food though, so I felt fat after :)

Feeling pretty good tonight, though my day was a bit up and down. No pictures this time I think. Now I'm going to read my old Cassie tags and go to sleep. Night!

Untitled

If I can't find truth in sparkling eyes

I'll find it in a friend's painful honesty.

If I can't find hope in whispered words

I'll find it in a baby's laughing smile.

If I can't find love in rose red lips

I'll find it in a brotherly hug.

If I can't find my future in a curved hip

I'll find it out as it unfolds.

If i can't find joy in a lover's kiss

I'll find it in the first flower of Spring.

If I can't find fire in wild passion

I'll find it in the stars at night.

If I can't find happiness with a single girl

I'll find it with the whole wide world. 

Things I am grateful for.

So..
School tomorrow! I admit I'm a little excited. Year 11 and all. VCE scares me man.

It hurts, but I have to say it. E has got a new boyfriend. I did freak a little, but you know what? I can move on now. Find a girl who I can see more than once every two months. Things are going to be awkward for a while but I'm gonna be fine. And I guess I was being pretty stupid staying fixated on her after we broke up.

Still, I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of things I am grateful for. Reasons to keep going and little things I usually take for granted. Things to look forward to.

• Icecream
• Chocolate
• Zero Punctuation
• Extra Credits
• Portal 2
• My brother
• Wombat, Rake, Psyduck, Guile, Daggy and all my other guy friends
• Pizza
• Basketball
• Coding
• Short shorts
• Dresses
• Cargo pants
• Metal
• Music in general
• Books
• Cool english lessons
• Youtube
• Blogger :D
• Naruto, One Piece and other manga
• Love stories - For some reason High Fidelity comes to mind
• My awesome wallet which i need to take a picture of
• John Green novels
• T-shirts
• Sunlight
• Rain
• Sleep
• Dreams
• The moon
• Photography
• Watermelons
• Apples
• Sleepovers
• Movies, Pirates Of The Carribean in particular
• Richard Morgan novels
• Concerts
• Bike rides
• Trains
• Girls with amazing eyes
• Swear words
• Late nights
• Computer games
• TV shows like I've been talking about recently
• Changes for the better
• Love

Obviously not a complete list :D but it'll do for now. Maybe I'll add to it later.
New music is:

Chess With The Abyss by Dimmu Borgir

With Arms Wide Open by Creed

God Is For The Dead by Ill Nino

Now I'm gonna go check that I'm ready for school tomorrow and go to bed. It's gonna be a real bitch getting to sleep :(