I'm finally trying to learn from my mistakes

So..
I apologise for my last post. Sometimes I just need to let things out, yell at something or someone, to say "I'm here! I feel pain too!"

Sometimes I get stuck in this world where political correctness is king and we have to watch everything we say in case they call as mad or dangerous. Particularly when I am mad and dangerous. :). Or not. Anyway, I'm calmer now, going to bed. I realised in the end that its only school. Honestly. That's it. You'd think we'd be used to it after the last 11 years. It's just school. Not war, or a life-or-death situation. It's important to understand what's really important, or else I get bogged down in regret and fear. And I do want to live proudly and boldly and without regrets, I'm just really bad at it. Anyway, it's time I went to bed. While you're here though, listen to this:



which you've probably heard
and this:



which you no doubt haven't. Really, listen to them. For me?

Finally, I've been stalking weheartit and I just might have something to show for it.

 The correct answer is no. At the very least, toast toast bread.

Damn right!

Owned

I love you Insanity Wolf.

Nighty night.


P.S. This content mood will not last. Don't worry :)

What are we here to do? My dad suggested I quit school and my mum asked if I'd care when she died.

So..
I really want to write some deep and meaningful post about the nature of love and beauty and purity and pain and death and loss and hurt and friendship and family and phoniness and fighting and blood and war and teenagers and fear. But it really isn't worth it. I know exactly how few people read Commence Download these days and even if these posts are part therapy, they're still a hell of a lot of attention seeking. And the internet is the last place anyone should look for love.

I have a new follower. wolf is my twenty-ninth follower. This blog has been going for almost 2 years. This post is the 164th..i think. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And even with the how fucking deep and precious and mysterious this stupid post is going to seem to be - attention seeking remember - I'll still have time to put labels like "Reflections" and "Followers" on the end. Try clicking the follower tag and reading each one in reverse chronological order. It's interesting to see the time flick past. Or not. I'm sorry. Again.

Given to a girl, written by a boy.

So..
*drums fingers on desk* A little over a week since my last post. Given my track record its not that bad, but it's felt like a while, particularly since I've had so much I wanted to talk about. Now, sadly, the moment is gone and I don't feel like saying anything in particular. I do need to do Lilah's "Dear You" tag, so lets run with that.
To be honest, I'm still not sure who I want to write to, if anyone. I've had a few ideas though, so I'm just going to do it and see how it goes. One moment while I find some appropriate music. Sum 41 and Three Days Grace are what I've ended up listening to lately, so on they go. Oh, and Ruthless by Something Corporate. Of course.
So.

Dear You,
I thought I saw you today. Walking out of Flinders Street Station and there was a girl with her back to me with the exact same stupid shade of hair you dyed it. I didn't freeze, I just watched carefully until she turned around and it wasn't you. Of course not. But it made me think, what would I have done if it was you? Walked up and said hi? Snuck past? I imagined catching your eye and putting a finger to my lips before sauntering off. That's what I do you see. I imagine situations, not just with you, but lots of people, where I manage to say the right things, do the right things. I'm always the height of cool in my head. Whenever I try anything like that in real life of course, it fails terribly. So I keep imagining, keep living in my head, picturing the perfect put down's to crush the people I hate, the perfect comments to brighten the lives of the people around me. Pretending Tyler's words could come out of my mouth.
But that won't ever happen. At least, not with you. Do you understand that? I used to promise you I'd be there for you forever, but I knew I was lying. Because now you're with him I can't be. And I can't confide in you either, despite what you said. I know that you mean the best, and you're only being a good friend but I can't handle it. I shouldn't even be thinking about you, in case it hurts again. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at you again without that pain, but funnily enough I don't want that either. I'm not sure, but maybe I just want the memory of what I once meant to a beautiful, sexy girl before she left me. So for that I thank you. And if you do need someone to confide in, I will be here. It might hurt but I'd do it anyway just to mean something to you again. But you have to figure that out yourself, I won't help you with that.

From (I won't say Love, not again)

Me.

Wow. That went better than I expected. Or worse. See, I do have things to get off my chest. Hmmm. Should I do another one? I had three hours sleep last night - did I already say that? Appears not.

I have to stay up a little longer for various reasons, so let's do another one. I could honestly do four or five, with all the stuff I'm not saying to people. Huh. I actually hadn't thought about that til now. I actually have a heap of stuff I could say to people. What does that imply? Often, or at least lately, I feel so distanced from people. But that's a discussion I won't go into right now. It's long, pretentious and depressing. Besides, just because I have things to say, doesn't mean I should say them. Loose lips sink ships and all that. Or is that the wrong turn of phrase. It is. Oh well. Ceebs backspacing.

Anyway, where was I?

Dear You,
I saw you recently. You walked straight past me and didn't even notice I was there. I didn't mind. You looked good, back straight, hair slightly windswept, determined look on face, bag over one shoulder, earphones in, woman power etcetera etcetera. I just wanted to mention that, I didn't have anything too important to say. Hope you're well. I assume you are. Hmm. perhaps I should have thought this out more before I started. FYI, typing in gloves is hard.

(platonic) Love,

Me (can I say Jokerman?)

Incidentally, platonic love is named after the Greek philosopher Plato. He talks about love in a platonic way (obviously) in the philosophical text Gorgias, and perhaps some of his other pieces. And typing is gloves is a bitch. I'm managing though. I'm wearing gloves at home now so I don't chew my fingernails to the root. My fingers look terrible. Hurrumph.

So I guess I better get ready for bed before I collapse. I suppose I have other things to say, but they can wait. I apologise for a lack of pictures, if you want I can start making a point of putting some in. Just let me know. I think I might chill on We Heart It for a bit while I wait for my work to finish up. Don't ask me how that makes sense, it just does. Wow I'm tired. Good night.

Oh shite. Almost forgot the most important part. I HAZ TEH NEW FOLLOWER! I apologise for caps, (god knows I hate caps lock normally) but its been a while. Welcome, welcome, welcome Rebecca. I hope we haven't scared you.

Now I really  need to go to bed. Nighty night.

This is the last true burning letter

So..
Right. Lilah's tag. I'm not avoiding homework. Shut up. Anyway. The tag. *copy-pastes* All you have to do is write a letter beginning with 'Dear You' that can't include any names, only pronouns. Hmm. I've been thinking about this for a while now and I still haven't figured out who to write it to. I thought of the title though, so...progress! So many people to write to. Argh. Stupid distracting Facebook. RAAAAAAARGH. I probably don't have time to finish now, but I don't want to stop and do it tomorrow. Wow. I actually feel like crying. Surely my day wasn't that bad. I spent about 20 minutes going through the blogs I follow. There aren't that many and it's sad to see that some have been deleted or haven't been updated in ages. I hope that everyone's okay :/. I guess if you don't have anything to post a blog is kinda pointless. I use this place as a place to vent nowadays. When I finish with it I'll be sad.

So tags. Tag. Tag. tag tag. tag tag tag atag tag tagtagtag.
Dear...who?
her or her or her or her or her or him or him or him or.. I don't know.
Fuck it I'm going to bed. Sorry Lilah, I'll do it properly soon.

Dreaming.

So..
I'm sick *sneezes* so I've been home all day. Sleeping mostly, though I read Eragon and watched a bit of TV. I had a couple of cool dreams, but I can't remember them.

I no longer dream of eyes,
That sparkle like stars,
Or green and blue like the sea.
I no longer dream of hair,
black as night,
Or red and gold like sunset.
I no longer dream of lips,
 painted red,
Or as plain and beautiful,
as the mid-morning dew.
But even as I wonder,
if this is good or bad.
I know that I will, again
Someday.

One of my worse poems, free verse is annoying.

I read High Fidelity again. Gooood book.

The things we think of at night.

So..
Right. I think it's time for another blog post don't you? I heartily apologise for my last one - I think I need to be saved from myself sometimes. Or a lot. Anyway.

It's been about a week and a half since my last post. Lots of interesting stuff's happened since then. Rise Against's concert was amazing. If you've ever been to Festival Hall in Melbourne, imagine it packed out, every person with a phone or lighter in their hand, singing along to this:

Simply beautiful.
They played a couple of songs I didn't know and a lot I did :D. Hero of War and Satellite are two new ones I've picked up and adored.
The night following the concert was Camelgirl's birthday party! I had to wear a suit and the long hair just didn't work with it. Ah well. A better party than I was expecting, got home around 12 I think. Or was it 1. Something like that. Anyway, Wombat slept over, which was cool.

School was annoying this week, but I gave a cool oral presentation in Literature so I'm happy with that. I don't think it gets marked though unfortunately. Thursday was Wombat's birthday, so he slept over again. Then Friday (yesterday) was Wombat's birthday party, hosted at my house. I made a mud cake, which was delicious, and his sister made a choc ripple cake, which was also delicious (but not as good as mine of course). We mostly played videogames and ate crap food. Pizza for dinner, then at 1030 we went to another party and stayed there til...2. That party was okay, but not really my kinda thing. Still, I enjoyed myself well enough, and Wombat, Sponge, Unkle and Rug stayed over. I'm really bad at the whole nickname thing aren't I?

So today I woke up after <4 hours sleep and had pizza and mud cake for breakfast. I messed around on the computer, said goodbye to the boys and had Weet-Bix for lunch. Then I had a nap before heading off to basketball on about 4 and a half hours sleep. Lost basketball, came home shower blardy blah.

Hmmm.
Ah.

The above graffiti is (or was, I think it's at least partially covered up now) decorating a wall in this beloved city. I spotted it one day and resolved to take a photo of it but never did. I realised today that most likely someone else did get a snapshot of it. A quick search on google images and voila! Hope you like it.

Well I guess I better head off. Things to do ey wot.

P.S. I still have to do Lilah's tag. Must not forget that :)

So..
My thoughts are all jumbled in my head and I'm so good at getting myself down. I need to take control of some things, but I don't wanna. I'm stalling I realise, but I don't care. Just because I know I'm doing something, doesn't mean I can stop it. I don't think before I speak. I keep shouting at people my parents. Its...weird. I'm really really lonely.
Going to a Rise Against concert tomorrow. Gonna be awesome... hopefully. Listen to their new single Make It Stop (September Children). Yes that's an order. The lead singer was inspired to write it after seven (was it seven? I don't want to go on Wikipedia to check) LGBT teenagers committed suicide in September last year. I heard it a couple of times last night - yay Youtube - but this morning I played it in the car and I was close to crying by the end. Dunno why it was then but whatever. In fact, I'll embed it here. If I can...



Looks like it worked. Dad's being irritating. DAD GO AWAY. Urgh. I snapped at him. I just don't fucking care sometimes.

FUCK OFF DAD. 

There's a party on Friday night. Could be fun, but I can't find the tux I was going to wear. It's my brother's second hand one - mum's probably done something with it the bitch God I want to scream sometimes.

So anyway. I haven't talked about music for a while huh? Rise Against of course, but check out Nero's songs "Promises" "Guilt" "Me and You" and "Innocence". Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO - no doubt you've heard it already - as well as "Champagne Showers" and "Shots"
Slam by Pendulum and Camo & Krooked's remix of "Monster" by Professor Green. Very awesome.
Wow April? That's how long since I did a New Music list? Wow. There's Rammstein, Pendulum, Nightwish, Bliss n Eso, After Forever, shitloads of stuff. None of which I'm going to do tonight. Besides, if I dump it all on you at once, any minute chance you'd actually check it out would probably disappear.

I'd get a job, but i can't be bothered. I'd start a new blog, but I can't be bothered. I'd try in school, but I can't be bothered. I'd quit school, but I can't be bothered. I'd go outside, but I can't be bothered. I'd do a lot of things, but I can't be bothered. And let's face it, you can't be bothered reading this. I want.. a lot of things. who cares.

Why the hell does anyone ever get up in the morning? Why bother? Why keep trying? Why? Why? WHY?

 

I am a copy of a copy of a copy. a clone. Nothing. I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake. I am the same decaying organic matter as everything else. My ideas are plagarism. My life has been done before. My problems are old ones. My tragedies are boring and repetitive. There was only so much originality in the world and now it is gone. I was born original. I will die a copy. I do not. Fucking. Care.

So..
I can't believe I only posted once during the holidays. And it was... what it was. You can see it. But I'm past that, for now.

Of course I can't believe a few things right now. Like that I haven't done any homework in two weeks. That the holidays are over. I'm listening to Fight Club as I type. It's fascinating. I watched it again recently, on a whim. Then I listened to it on the train instead of music. I want to learn all the words. Like a song. Now that I want to learn the script off by heart, I immediately have a new appreciation for actors.
What else. Marla Singer has more right to be at testicular cancer. Watch Fight Club. Buy it. The book and the movie. Read it.
Or don't. What will I care.

I wrote this recently. I forget why.
Thank God for bad television, Ginger beer and emotion suppression.
I wish I could say thank God for cheap cigarettes and cheap drinks but I can't and won't. 


I want to feel this again:
Moskau
I put my headphones in my ears, clicked shuffle and then for a second i wasn't there. Raw power flooded my system and suddenly I wasn't cold, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't worried or alone. In that second all I was was me, perfectly, purely me! And it felt good.

Listen to Gateways by Dimmu Borgir.

Give yourself to the music.
I just feel like talking. Holidays felt good. Of course, they were too short. My computer keeps stuffing up. I'm getting up at 7 tomorrow. Can't believe it. Can't comprehend it, can't process it. Like when I heard that Saint Basil's Cathedral is 450 years old and I could understand how old that is, but the concept that the Coliseum is over 2 thousand years old is incomprehensible. How do you grasp something like that? I can't do it and I doubt you can. Not really. Beyond a certain point years become merely words.



Death was the only absolute value in my world. Lose life and one would lose nothing again forever. Death was far more certain than God, and with death there would no longer be the daily possibility of love dying. The nightmare of a future of boredom and indifference would lift. I could never have been a pacifist. To kill a man was surely to grant him an immeasurable benefit.

-Graham Green, The Quiet American

DON'T!

So..
I have so much to say, as always, but its late and I have to get up early so all have time to say is what I must say, to get it out of me.

Don't. Just don't. Don't go there, don't give it a try, don't think maybe don't think what if. Don't. Don't go down that path again, you'll just end up at the bottom. Don't do it. Not again. Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up and still don't. Don't think of it. Get up and get dressed and keep busy and make sure that you don't! It won't help it won't heal if you pick at it. So just don't. Don't and keep don'ting until you don't even think of doing it. Finish the post. Close the computer. Turn off your phone, clean your teeth set your alarm go to sleep and don't. Don't dream of it either. You know how it all ends. So just don't.

Are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

So..
This is called, unsurprisingly, "I Miss". I have a Philosophy SAC tomorrow. School is a bitch sometimes. But hey, holidays in two days :)


I miss thinking love was real.
I miss thinking kisses in the rain were the sexiest things in the world.
I miss the years when 10 o' clock was staying up late and 7 30 was getting up early.
I miss extinguishing candles with my fingers.
I miss sneaking peeks of the girl I liked in the middle of class.
I miss when "just friends" was more than enough.
I miss when chocolate was a guilty pleasure.
I miss going for days without my parents fighting.
I miss being able to talk to my mum without arguing.
I miss being able to see both sides of an argument.
I miss when my brother was the coolest guy I knew.
I miss feeling grown up because I had homework to do.
I miss when the marks didn't matter.
I miss believing that it wasn't whether I won or lost, but only how I played the game.
I miss feeling invincible.
I miss thinking I was smart.
I miss not having to choose between friends.
I miss those years where going over to someone's house was a big event.
I miss being able to bury my head in a book and ignore the world around me, not caring what people thought of me.
I miss being happy about being different instead of worried.
I miss when I didn't care about fitting in, and my mother was my best friend.
I miss standing up for what I thought was right.
I miss caring about my own life.
I miss being sure of my future career.
I miss being afraid of the monsters under the bed and not having any inside me
I miss nighttime being another world, rather than my natural habitat.
I miss wanting to go to sleep, first because I could sleep all I want instead of getting up early, then because sleep was fun rather than a bore, then because I wanted tomorrow to come quicker rather than never at all and finally because I wanted to dream of someone special, not dream of times long past.

I hope that made sense. May I suggest you try it yourself? I had 27 things I've missed, do at least 17. Now for Philosophy. Toodles.

Trainspotting

So..
Isn't this nice? Exams are over and all but one of my assignments are in. In theory, and probably more likely than I think, I can still fail this semester. For now though, It's 130 in the morning and I don't want to think about anything. Thinking is so tiring sometimes. It feels like I get so little real enjoyment out of life these days. I should have gone out tonight, but I stayed home and played games. Now that exams are over I feel like I'm allowed to play games now. I'm not really. When I go through something as tense and stressful as exams, after its over I lose all the tension and fear and I don't do anything. Which would be perfectly fine if I didnt have maths and philosophy tests this week. Let me not think on't.

I wonder about my writing a lot while I type. When I write like this, its kinda like I'm talking to someone. I think I overuse commas and in essays that probably breaks flow or something. I dont actually care, it just worries me. I getting really good at touch typing now (I say as I furiously backspace misspelt words) which is cool. Hmmm.

So yeah, games games games. And its annoying, because now I have all the time I want to play, I don't want to. I've started Duke Nukem Forever - biggest waste of 130 bucks I ever spent - and now I'm stuck at a point in the Black Ops singleplayer, bored with its multiplayer because I suck at it (remind me never to play shooters on consoles) and bored with COD4 as well. I downloaded TF2 now that it's free, but I haven't even launched it yet. What else? Basically I've got a shitload of games and I don't want to play any of them.

When I'm bored I'll often come up with stuff to put up here, and now that I've got a snazzy new phone I can write them down whenever I've got a moment. Here's one I wrote a while back, been meaning to put up:

Maybe it's a little different, wherever you may live, but all the train stations in my city have a yellow line painted near the edge of the platform. The idea, of course, is that you don't cross the yellow line unless you're actually getting in the train. Its a good little rule for mothers to tell their children, but me being me, I don't listen. My favourite thing to do is step past the line as the train gets close to me. The driver looks apprehensive, and then the train rushes past in a torrent of wind and metal. There's this terrifying rush of adrenaline and fear, the knowledge that if I move but a metre forward I will die. The wind makes my eyes water and its almost an effort of will to not jump back, away from this howling monster machine. When you take the train as often as I do, you forget its a hunk of metal going 40 kilometers an hour and you forget how powerless you are against it. Its important to remember that even if we create something, doesn't mean we conntrol it, or are better than it.

I typed all that up during - you guessed it - the train ride home on a program called Evernote. I admit I just copied and pasted from my Evernote account on the computer - its too damn late to type it up.

So yeah, that's all I got to say for my self. I'm now going to go to bed. Or not. With me I can never tell.
Night!

Little things.

So..

You know how, when you watch a TV show, or a movie, and the story's great and all, but there's things you don't see, assumed things, vaguely referenced things, things that don't go in a story. Like, in Harry Potter, you don't see every Potions class, or every time Harry practises on his broom stick. You don't see the quick hellos in the hallways, the bedtime chats about whatever Quidditch team Ron goes for (I forget). And it's these things, these assumed, unimportant things, that make reality reality and story story. And sometimes it's these things that make my day - a surprise hi from someone I don't know so well, the quiet contemplation on the way home, a chance compliment or joke. And sometimes it's these things, over time, that ruin my days. The homework left unfinished, the quiet insult in class, the time wasted in unproductive boredom. I think it's these things, these small unimportant moments, are what shape us, what makes us who we are. That's all. At the end of the day Harry and Hermione and Ron and Ginny and all those characters are going to have memories of their big moments, the big things, but the little things, after all that, are what will affect them, without thinking of them at all. I've rambled. This isn't the post I meant to write at all. Interesting. Goodnight.

I wonder if I'll be okay in the end.

So..
I wrote something in my phone, tapping away at the touch screen on a failed trip to my mind. I need to do some homework now I always need to and I know I shouldn't be writing this - I know what I should be doing, so writing something that isn't my Lit essay, or my three English essays feels like giving up. So now I'm hoping praying pleading Joker listen to yourself don't ignore my screams that what I'm writing here will be a trigger for more writing.

So this is what I wrote. I believed it at the time. I haven't changed a word.


Sea of Humanity
I'm tumbling down through a sea of humanity. The realization that nothing actually matters is final and freeing. If nothing matters, then no one matters either. Fairness becomes irrelevant, manners pointless, kindness verges on debilitating. If rudeness is easier than no reason remain to not be rude. If I want something, taking it is only logical. Hatred and jealousy become tools rather than weaknesses and faults. My life becomes my own to do with it what I will. Questions of sanity, reason, etc. are unimportant. Lost in a sea of humanity, humanity itself is increasingly unimportant. 'Common values' drift away, useless in a world bereft of meaning. Bits of me peel off, taken by this reeking bilge water of people. why should I care if I am considered inhuman? Even if I still cared for the opinion of others, I do not wish to be a part of this curse on the earth. Emotions only delay my departure, some remaining desire for companionship only slows my desperate fall. Far better to be alone away from the insane mass of hate, passion, love, indifference, that is society. Any desire I had to be a part of this is long gone. Let [me] be free, or let me die.


No one can control me. By their own misguided laws they cannot touch me. They can take away things from me and I certainly have plenty to lose, but there is nothing to threaten me with, nothing I care for enough to worry about losing. And when they take everything they can and still cannot control me, then I have won.


That's it. If you read it (which I doubt - it's not worth it) then you can see it's bad. Its not clever, or informative or anything important. Just the whining of a spoiled brat not getting what he wants. I do that a lot.


It was my birthday two days ago. I've stopped caring about giving bits of my self away. So you know when my birthday is. Good for you. I'm not stupid enough to allow any of my passwords to have anything to do with anything as basic as my birthday. It's just a date anyway. Birthdays aren't that significant I think. I certainly don't put much by mine. I'm seventeen. I've felt seventeen for a while now.

I can't think of any of the fascinating, interesting things I was going to say. I think I'm trying to reach out, find something that means something. Or someone, more likely. I'm not heartless, I'm not empty, I'm not a monster. I'm just taking a while to get over my broken heart. Pathetic.

Clock:

I hope I can make it through to the holidays.

Hime:

Do you know who you are? I doubt it. I'm getting tired of having to care about you.

Droid:

You don't seem to understand how I feel about you.

Meth:

I hope you die alone.

Wombat and Sponge:

You guys deserve a better friend than I.

Soulless:

It's funny how the simplest line can start something.

You:

Why?

Everyone else, I can't be bothered thinking of something to say.

My new theory (I have a few) is that the idea that we're all going to die because of global warming is one I've grown up with. That the apocalypse is now, and why bother doing anything long term if we're all going to hell in our lifetimes. Is that why I don't care?

 It kills me not to know this,

But I've all but just forgotten,

What the colour of her eyes were,

And her scars or how she got them.

-Savior by Rise Against

I can still remember the words and what they meant

-Audience of One by Rise Against

Do you remember? You stupid bitch you said you cried at what I said. Now we're far apart and aren't you fucking happy.

We're OK!

Until the day we're not.

I have no use for beauty, and beauty has no use for me.

So..
Wow. Two weeks since I last posted. It feels so much less than that. It annoys me in a weird way. So much interesting stuff has happened, but I none of it interesting enough for me to work up the energy to do an in-depth talk through it. I bought Immersion. It was good.






As I get older, it feels as though more and more things are less and less sacred. It makes me sad. I'm fine though. Just a bit tired.






Sin It's Easier.





When I talk to people, sometimes little bits of the real me slip out. It says "Help! I'm still here! I'm still alive!". But my slips are joked away, forgotten beneath a torrent of words. Has lying always been this easy? I don't remember when it wasn't, but I feel like I lie more now.

Wombat asked me, half-jokingly, half-sadly, What happened to the kid who was always on MSN and Facebook? "He died" I replied, without thinking. Then I thought about it. Maybe he is dead. He's certainly not around anymore. Now I've made myself sad. Oh well. Goodnight. Again.

Dinnertime

So..

I'm pretending that I'm still clinging desperately to the sense of contentment I had just hours ago, but in reality my fingers have already slipped from that edge.

My head is full of "what if?"s and "how it used to be"s.

Why can't I just be happy with what I have? People make me feel this way. If I could just lock myself in my room and read all day that would be just fine with me. All I do is hurt people and get hurt. I'm cold and lonely. And this loneliness can't be cured, because it never leaves completely. I don't know how to connect with people.

If this loneliness won't leave I'd like to be properly alone instead. Please.

She did it again. And I let her.

150 times I've opened my heart and bled onto the screen.

So..
I kept trying to to make a really good 150th post to commemorate it, but if I just keep waiting the pressure will keep piling up and I'll never do one I'll think is good enough. Instead, here's a post to commemorate my 150th post. As I write this I think that it'd be a good idea to talk about what's happened in 150 posts. *opens blog in new tab*

I started this blog a year and a half ago for the simple reason that the girl I liked told me to. I'm a simple guy at heart :).
This blog has seen, and seen me through, so many things. Commence Download has watched my love for music and metal grow, my first girlfriend come and go, it's seen me make friends and lose them, fall in love and out again. It's seen my discovery of We Heart It and blogging (obviously). It's been here while I played Minecraft and COD and it's still been here when I stopped. It's seen me excel and fail, worry and relax. I've regretted things written here and I've been proud of them too. I've hated myself here, and loved everything as well. What it shows is not me, in truth, but a version of me. A me I would hope to be, a me that the world can see and judge. It doesn't hold my every thought, secret or creation. It holds things I wouldn't tell people normally. Here (and in the internet in general) I create my own identity, based on the merits of what I say and do online, rather than how I look, or talk, or act. This blog isn't perfect, and I probably end up telling half-truths to make myself look better. This blog, in the end, is the evolution of a year and a half of... me. I don't know how to put it better than that.
Hope you like this blog, but if you don't, it doesn't matter.

Music stuff

So..

Strength In Numbers by Times Of Grace

What I think the opening lyrics are:

As we live in these dark days,

Filled with violence, opposition and hate,

There lies a place of saving grace,

Protected in the hearts of the humble,

The faithful, the ones who chose the path of resistance,

To protest, reject and proclaim, that our lives are not in vain,

In flesh, in spirit eternal,

One love.

One truth.

One destiny.

The actual opening lyrics:

As we live in these dark days

filled with violence, opposition and hate.
There lies a place of saving grace
Protected in the hearts of the humble
The faithful, the ones who choose the path of resistance to protest
Protect, save, proclaim our lives lived not in vain.
In flesh, in spirit eternal
One love, One truth, One destiny.

I was close.

Music I've found since my last music post (early March):

I Need A Doctor by Dr Dre featuring Eminem and Skylar Grey. I've kinda gotten tired of this now cause I listened to it so much but it is a really good song. I love the energy and emotion that Eminem injects into this song. Maybe that's just me.

 Coming Home by Diddy/Dirty Money featuring Skylar Grey.
Song of Storms Dubstep Remix by Ephixa. Song of Storms being from Zelda (I've never played it). Dubstep isn't bad, so check it out if you're a fan. Maybe you'll hate it.
The Grid and Derezzed off the Tron: Legacy soundtrack. Daft Punk did the score, they're good tracks.
Bullet With Butterfly Wings by (The?) Smashing Pumpkins. Go and listen to it right now. Freaking awesome.
Jolene by Dolly Parton. A classic. I don't like it that much but whatevs.
Disturbia by Rihanna. Fun song.
Insomnia by Faithless. "I can't get no sleep". Very good song.
Dance With The Devil by Immortal Technique. Disturbing, but powerful rap music.
Hurricane by 30 Seconds To Mars. Awesome video, awesome song.
Bye Bye Beautiful and Amiranth by Nightwish. Amazing. Heavy metal with a female vocalist. Works really well.
Cradle of Filth's cover of Hallowed Be Thy Name by Iron Maiden. I love it.
The Sea is Rising and a bunch of other stuff by Bliss n Eso.
Through the Glass by Stone Sour.
Screaming Bloody Murder by Sum 41.
The Time (Dirty Bit) and Just Can't Get Enough by The Black Eyed Peas.
Kings of Metal, Die with Honour, Warriors of the World by Manowar. I just love these guys for some reason, they make me feel really positive and optimistic.

That's all for now. I need to get some Hammerfall and Helloween (and more Manowar and Hatebreed), but that'll come later.

My next post is my 150th, so I might do something special. We'll see.

These fingerless gloves hide the backs of my hands, 'til I don't know what I know anymore.

So..
I'm in Canberra and it's late so I can't be bothered going through every uninteresting thing I've done here. I've been through a kaleidoscope (yay spellchecker) of emotions and I don't know where I'm going. I know I'm tired though, but I feel like talking.

I've been thinking a lot, and while I've depressed myself I've also thought up some interesting stuff. For example, I came up with the title of this post and I'm completely immodest when I say that I think it's an awesome line. I've been meaning to write some songs, but I haven't got around to it. I doubt I ever will.

Good news is I've found heaps of awesome metal. Hammerfall, Manowar, Hatebreed, Helloween, all really good. My kinda metal. When I get home I'm gonna have a lot of downloading to do. And some more albums to add to my list.

I beat Portal 2 by the way. Fun game. Beat the co-op with a friend and now I'm looking at finishing some achievements. I've completely ignored my homework while I'm here, so fuck that.

I've been considering every option, and I think that I can't be bothered changing the course I'm on. I have no desire to "take control of my destiny" or whatever. 

 

 I thought about making a new blog, to talk about interesting stuff where no-one knows me and I can just vent and discuss "touchy" subjects without fear of..what's the word I'm looking for? Retribution I spose, but it doesnt really fit. Anyway, I won't. I can't be bothered starting it and I know I won't keep it updated.

So I can't remember why I originally started this post, I'm quite tired. I'll be back, with more coherent thoughts to express.

Win By Any Means Necessary

IGNORE THIS POST

So..
I'm trying so desperately to hold on to how I felt yesterday. I was in this good place and everything was okay and nothing hurt. And today was a good day but I'm tired and alone and I just don't care for you my thoughts.

I don't want to go back to how I was. I don't want to go to sleep.  

I fucking hate being alone. But some things have to end.
I fucking hate being alone.
This sucks.


Great. Now I'm fucking depressed again. And I was feeling so fucking good. Today I woke up okay, went to a birthday picnic with some guys from school and ate lots of crap food and enjoyed myself mostly. I've had better picnics. Or maybe I'm just telling myself I didn't like it. Then, feeling tired and sick, I went to my Mum's birthday dinner, ate nothing because I felt sick and tired then came home and got more and more pissed off. I don't know. I should probably go to bed. Don't they say never go to bed angry?

I'd like to say nothing can cheer me up right now but I'm not going to cause it sounds emo and depressing. This is so bullshit.

I'll just leave this post all mopey and depressing and you can just ignore it. Please do. I'm not always like this.

 I'm such a freaking dumbass.

What I'm waiting for

So..

1. Portal 2, out in 5 days
2. Duke Nukem Forever, out June 10
3. Batman Arkham City, out October 19th
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, out May 20
5. Running on Air by Bliss n Eso
6. The Sickness 10th Anniversary Edition by Disturbed
7. Slipknot 10th Anniversary Edition by Slipknot
8. A Thousand Suns by Linkin Park
9. Screaming Bloody Murder by Sum 41
10. The chance to read the entire Sandman series
11. Inheritance, the last book in the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini
12. A change for the better
13. Something that makes me whole
14. Someone new
15. Something worth living for
16. Something worth dying for
17. Something worth waiting for
    

It's been a while

So..
Wow. It's been a long time. A month since I posted last. And it isn't that I haven't had things to say. Things happened and I wasn't sure how to phrase it when I told the story, then I wasn't comfortable saying other things and the time just kept passing. I've decided I'm not going to try to explain it all, that I won't try. I promise I'm fine though, if you're worrying.

In general, the last month has been hectic. School is swallowing me whole, I don't think there's going to be anything left. I have a ton of homework I haven't even tried to start, and I think I'm failing. It's holidays now, so maybe, just maybe I'll be able to do something with myself.

On to some better news. Last night I went to the city and saw Good Charlotte! I dunno if there are many GC fans in among my followers, so maybe many of you don't mind. Anyway, to explain how I feel about Good Charlotte I have to go all the way back to Year 7, when (for those of you who don't live in Australia) I was 12. I just started high school and was pretty much a loner. The second friend I made, Wombat, showed me Good Charlotte one day and I was pretty hooked. I bought The Young and The Hopeless, the first album I ever bought with my own money, and listened to it over and over. Over time I got all their other albums and learned all the words to every song. Good Charlotte were my introduction to music, or at least modern music, considering the stuff my parents play at home. So by Year 9 or 10 I was pretty bored with GC, and when I got my new iPod I didn't put their albums on it, because I knew I wouldn't listen to them.

So, last December or so, I found out they were touring and decided to go for old times sake. And I did. I enjoyed the concert, but it didn't change how I feel about Good Charlotte overly much. My tastes have changed over time, that's all.

Now. I have plenty to say, but I think I'll leave it here for now. I feel like watching TV or something.
I'll write again soon, I promise.

So..
A promise is a promise is a promise. Here's another wonderful Cassie tag, created by Erimentha and becoming widespread on the blogs I follow (you guys). I heartily invite you all to do it (it's fun and feels good). The rules are (let me check) you have to include the bolded stuff, link it back to Eri and tag three people you admire. I was "tagged" by Dandalily, which is to say she made me do it. But it is fun, so go ahead.

Abracadabra Wow!
I like boys with a sense of chivalry and girls who trust me.

I like trying to get people who belong together, together.

I like the number 17 written in Roman numerals.

I like how my pencil case has stuff written on it like the cool kids.

I like Melbourne weather, when its 28 degrees and pissing down rain.
I like the Batman.
I like living for myself.
I like songs written other languages that still have really cool sounding lines :P
I like elegance. There really can be elegance in everything.

I like little perfect moments.

I like having friends who care about me.

I like walking around in public barefoot.
I love half smiles.
Today didn't do anything particularly noteworthy, but that's okay.

In some ways, I love everything.Its less, its less of a thing to like,
its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything. There’s more choice in like

Cos even the worst things have things you love in them

I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate the hate part of the Cassie tag. It depresses me. Maybe this time it won't?
I hate bad goodbyes, even if it's just not seeing a friend off properly after a sleepover.
I hate it when songs I love mention a year, so I have trouble relating to it. Specifically, Golden Years by Bliss n Eso and Summer of '69 by..Bryan Adams?
I hate insulting nicknames.
I hate being betrayed by someone I thought was a friend.
I hate it when I act like a total dick and don't apologise.
I hate endings, in books, movies, friendships, whatever but in a way I know that everything has to end. Except Gobstoppers. That shit lasts forever :P
I hate the piano half of Layla by Derek and Dominoes. The first half is amazing though.
I hate soft chocolate. The best chocolate is cool and hard.

I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

Man I'm tired. Sort of. Saw Batman Begins and The Dark Knight last night, after Dandalily invited me over out of the blue. Sloth was there. Good fun. I ate all the food though, so I felt fat after :)

Feeling pretty good tonight, though my day was a bit up and down. No pictures this time I think. Now I'm going to read my old Cassie tags and go to sleep. Night!

Tryin' to hold these golden years that're flashing by

So..
I'm fine now. I think I needed to let myself out before I pulled back in. And talking with someone who's so disconnected helped. So now I'm just tired. My body, heart, soul and mind are tired.

A friend gave me Season's 1 and 2 of Skins. I've seen the first two eps and its pretty good.
School is hard, like always. Year 11 now means I've got less than two years left. High school is finishing fast.

New music (its been a while);

Golden Years by Bliss n Eso. It makes me a bit sad.

The Hard Road by Hilltop Hoods. It's okay.

The Downeaster Alexa by Billy Joel. An amazing so, check it out.

Young Blood by The Naked and Famous.

Teenage Crime by Adrian Lux.

Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings. I don't like it that much. I spose it's okay.

The Ballad of Mona Lisa by Panic At The Disco. Their new single, not too bad.

It's Not The End Of The World (But I Can See It From Here) by Lostprophets.

Infinite by Eminem. Early Eminem, check it out if you like his stuff.

Mehr and Weidmanns Heil by Rammstein.

Take Over Control by Afrojack.

Invaders Must Die by The Prodigy. Damn good.

I'm gonna be just fine. Everything really is going to be okay.

 

You know you want to ;) So do it!

My promises they will decay

So..
I am depressed. Again. I don't want to say why, for I am ashamed.
So now I cannot bring myself to care. About my friends. My family. My future. My life. My homework. My school. My blog. Everything I'm looking forward to seems bland and pointless right now. My day was...well I've had worse. But I've had so many better.
Because of the people who know me read this blog, I cannot say what I would like to. I considered making a new one, a fresh start that noone knows about, where I can whisper my darkest thoughts aloud. But I can't be bothered to do even that, and nothing is secret on the internet anyway.

I will get better. I always do. But it's hard right now. Some time ago, months or a year, I would live for my dreams at night, waiting for sleep and release. Then, in happier times I slept to make tomorrow come quicker. Now I think I am returning to my dream world.

I have things to say, and no words to say them. Pictures perhaps.

We Heart It depresses me.

You'd think out of one thousand eight hundred and ninety-two songs on my iTunes, there's be one I wanted to listen to.