.I believe I am beautiful. And for now, that's all I need.

So..
Well a new post is long overdue, and I'm sorry for the wait if you've missed me. I have a lot to say, so this'll be a long one. I know how irritating massive posts can be but I'll try to keep it interesting.

It's been two weeks since my last post. A lot has happened. The last week of school I actually got some work done and finished off pretty well. The last day I wandered around a bit in the city with a friend, but there wasn't anything to do so I went to Pizza Friday instead. It was a lot more fun. I don't remember much of it, but it was good.
So now it's holidays. I dont remember much of the first weekend, let's see. Lost basketball again, or did we win? i think it was close. No, we lost. But if we had another player we woulda won. I also saw Tomorrow When The War Began. It was a good movie.
All of last week I had work experience at the Australian Services Union (ASU). I put away shopping, put stickers on bags, ate crackers, helped with the mail, went to meetings and did lots of filing. It wasn't too bad, but I shoulda been paid more :P. It was 9-5, when I got home I generally just played xbox. On Thursday night I went with my dad and brother to see a movie called Boy. It was pretty sad and though it was a good movie, it wasn't my kinda movie so I didn't really like it.
I thought up this phrase on the way to work one morning. Just popped into my head.

Red paint spills across my canvas, like blood from the anvil.

III thought it was brilliant. I guess it is meant to symbolise how what is defined as 'art' can be very broad and that an intricate painting on canvas can be compared to a sword finely made through a blacksmith's hard work. Or something. The sentence just feels...pure. Like it's mine, my own completely original idea.

So after work experience was the weekend of course. No basketball because it's the middle of the holidays, so I went to a friend's place on Saturday (ignoring the football) and when I got home another friend came and slept over. On Sunday we went bowling (3 games, I won the last one because he suddenly got really bad) then came home and hung out. This morning I got up around 930 and messed around while my friend slept. I walked with him to his house in the rain and waited at his place for it to stop raining. It didn't, so I just left. Finally, I played computer games instead of doing homework and then watched Good News Week. I love that show, it's brilliant.

Tomorrow I'm going to Northland for a bit, then I'll have to come home and do homework because on Wednesday I have a dentist appointment then a bunch of people coming round for a sleepover. I'm not sure if it'll be very fun, but with some luck everyone will be happy enough :S.

Friday I'm going to see Easy A with some friends, all other times will be homework, xbox and computer.

OK, that's my holidays, in short. New music is:

Dynamite by that radio person
Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams
Fader by Temper Trap
Livin' On a Prayer by Bon Jovi
Father and Son by Bob Dylan
Flame Trees by Cold Chisel
Perseverance by Hatebreed (truly brilliant)
Love Dump by Static-X (cool intro)
Free Your Hate by KMFDM

So now what?
I'm reasonably happy, content at least.
For once, I don't have a crush, or a fixation. I have girls I think about, but not too intensely. Is this how it is for normal people? If love comes to me, I'll take it. But right now, like this is fine.

It's interesting you know. When I think about someone liking me, obsessing over me like I do when I have a crush, it just doesn't work. I can't imagine it. It's not a sad thing, I'm not saying I'm impossible to love or anything depressing, it's just that I truly can't picture it. I can't imagine me having sex or making out or anything like that. It just doesn't work in my head. I wonder..

I remember walking across the road on Bell Street, singing along to Run To The Hills by Iron Maiden on my iPod. I was probably horribly out of tune, but I couldn't hear it and no one else could and it just felt so freeing. A moment of pure bliss and innocence. I don't know what else to say.

The only thing that I still believe in is you. If you only knew. (This doesn't mean anything right now, the line just makes me smile)

"We are men, we are not beasts and we do not intend to be beaten and driven as such."

Sometimes my eyes look as blue as the sky. Sometimes they are as green as emeralds. And sometimes, just sometimes, they shine like the stars above.

Can you hear me?

So..
BACK FROM CAMP! Good to be home. It feels like a was away for so much longer than a week. Mountain biking was quite tiring and pretty annoying but I kinda enjoyed it as well. Skiing was freakin' awesome, though our snowball fight was pretty fail and it started raining near the end which sucked. There was lots of food and I got either got fatter or put on some muscle. I'm thinking the former :S. Potholing (going into caves) was way worse than I hoped unfortunately. Some of the guys really got on my nerves but we generally got along.
I didn't have my phone, iPod or any internet for the five days, but I didn't mind.
I left with a metaphorical bad taste in my mouth cuz of some stuff on the last day but ah well.

Ahhhhhhh Vermilion just started playing on my iPod.

I really need to get over you three.
I really need to stop being such an egotist.
I'm selfish because I always want what's best for me and I never do anything unless I get something out of it or I'm bullied into it. It's worse because I need other people to stay happy. But I guess I just end up using people. Don't come near me. Run.

A clever man is someone who learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from a clever man's mistakes. A fool learns nothing at all. - Unknown (I made it up).

To E.
I don't know if I loved you. But I had fun. I hope you did too. I'm not sad though. Moving on was almost too easy.

To Hime.
Come on, you can get this can't you? I need to forget about you. Don't forget me or who you are. Can we be friends?

To anyone reading this. Especially me.
Somewhere, there is someone who will love you for who you are. If you've found them, I wish you the best of times. And thanks for listening.

To two guys in my class.
Please go and die. I fucking hate you both.

To Clarky and Jules and Curious and R and Navers and the guys who'd hurt me if they knew I had a blog and forgot to thank them.
Thanks.

I'm going to move on now.


RAFIKI!!!

Right. Good night!

So..
Just a quick post to let you know I'm going on camp for the next five days so no posts for a week or so. It should be fun, I'd talk more about it but I gotta pack. Thanks for the support from you guys about the whole break up thing. It's all good :D.

I bought Disturbed's new album Asylum on Thursday. I actually got the limited edition version which I'm quite happy about :P. It has a dvd, some videos and some bonus tracks. One of them is a cover of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Pretty cool I reckon. I'm listening to it now.

Lots more when I get back. See you in 6 days!

I lived too slow and I knew I would lose her,

So..

Because I did love you or I thought I did and now I miss you. But maybe it's not you I miss, but the idea of you. I wanted to know everything about you and now I think I knew nothing at all. Let's be honest, that's nothing knew. I loved your every imperfection because that was made you beautiful. Perfection is so boring. I loved how crazy you were, how different and wild and wonderful you could be.

I don't miss you, just the memory of you. And even worse, I miss what could have been. I hate that about me. And I hate that in the end you meant absolutely nothing. Like everything else. Because I can't love. Or can I? I'm not sure what love is.
I have no problem with sacrificing you. I'm a selfish machine, programmed for a bad facsimile of love and egotism. You were a means to an end that I cannot comprehend or reach.

And the worst part, the sickening part, that horrible fact of

Shift Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Up, Ctrl C, Ctrl V, Ctrl V, Ctrl V, Ctrl V, Ctrl V, Ctrl V.

Someday soon I'll come back to this post and feel annoyed at how bad it is. Or something. Because in the end it means nothing. Like everything. How depressing.