Sunday, October 24, 2010


Sometimes my head shakes inside with thoughts and feelings and emotions and they either make me want to cry or scream. Sometimes they wash over me lightly, make me high with dopamine and happiness. Sometimes I'm crushed under they're weightless mass and I want to vomit and hit my head against a wall until they go away. I hate being alone for too long. Being around my friends keeps me sane (sort of). I can't find what I need if I don't know what it is.

I want to cry into a mirror and feel someones arms holding me tight to keep me safe from my mind.

I want to say I love you and hear it whispered back, when I'm not sure if I mean it and they know they do.

I know its kind of strange to bare myself so readily on the internet, the worst place to do it really.
But I feel that I will one day appreciate this record of my teenage years. I wanted to start keeping a diary for a long time, but never got round to it. So this is my diary I guess.
And I may be putting my thoughts and feelings where anyone can see them, but the point is, you don't know who I am. People who have never met me can't ridicule me in the street if they don't know what I look like. Sure, you could find my name and IP and everything else with a bit of effort, but I doubt anyone would bother that much just to hurt someone.
Exams are coming soon and I'm looking forward to them a bit. Hopefully I'll be ready for them in time.
Lots of things are coming up soon. On the 28th Fable 3 comes out-Ive already preordered it. On the 31st a game called Minecraft gets a major update and on the 8th exams start. On the 9th Call Of Duty Black Ops arrives and on the 12th exams finish. On the 14th or 16th Assassin's Creed Brotherhood hits stores-that's already preordered as well. And then I'm free for the 8 weeks until next year starts.

I think I'm ultimately a positive person. I will get through this crap. I bet its just teen hormones. That kind of makes me sad though. That one day I won't be able to get high from happiness anymore. This post is all over the place.

Once upon a time there lived a boy doesn't matter what his name was. Anyway, this boy started reading when he was six and fell in love with it. He devoured books. Every day in primary school he would go out to lunch and instead of playing he would sit on a bench and read. He didn't care what the other kids thought of him, he probably didn't even think about them. When this boy got older though, he started looking up from his books more often and wondered about what the other children did while he read.
So he somehow started hanging out with the cool boys, though he still read a lot. And he liked the cool boys and when he graduated primary school he was sad that he was leaving his friends.
He went to his high school with fond memories of his primary school and met new kids. As time went on, he very slowly made new friends at high school. But as he did, he thought about his old friends and decided they weren't his friends at all. And he remembered the times they were mean to him and realised that they were mean boys.
So he kept his new friends and forgot his old ones, who had long forgotten him.
After two years in high school, he moved schools, but he made sure to keep him high school friends. And some of them slowly weren't friends anymore, but he worked to keep the important ones and even made new friends from his old school and plenty from his new school and even some from outside school. And suddenly the boy had lots of friends and he was going out and doing things and he wasn't popular but he was a long way from the little boy who sat on a bench and read a book at lunchtime and had no friends (though it must be said that the little boy cared not one bit about that).
So there was this boy, with friends from two schools and outside school. Then he heard about a friend from his primary school. And this boy, with all his prejudices about his primary school, hated this boy from so long ago. But he met the boy and liked him and he met another boy from his primary school and he wasn't bad either. And the primary school "friend" admitted he'd been mean in primary school and the boy took a look at his current friendships and the ones fading away and the new ones growing and thought about how many more would appear. And he realised that people change and that he had changed and he was sad. And that he was older and smarter and less accepting and more opinionated and stronger and weaker and he missed the days when he didn't care what people thought and the days when all it took to be happy was a book to read.
And he lived the rest of his life. But every so often he would wonder if he had been as happy as he told himself he had been or if he had been happy and unhappy in balance like he was now.

Its interesting how you can throw a boy into a wall and punch another as hard as you can because you were so angry at them and two years later play alongside them in a cricket game for the simple reason that one of them was on the team and needed players and you were friends and that was what you did and if you didn't he would understand and forget about it but you would be the one who felt bad. I think I've made a few life long friends. I certainly hope so. though I might not be a very good one it seems.
Thats us alright.
I think real friends are the ones who will talk through their problems with each other if its necessary, or be able to forget them if they arent important. or something.

I don't know how to finish this post off, so here's to best friends.
Perhaps the picture and not the whole post.

Sorry about the small font size. Sorry for bothering you. Congratulations for reading this far. You can go now. Really. Its okay. I'm signing off now. Bye. Go on, off you go. I'm just waiting for you to go first. OK. Night.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

And I'm hoping that you'll say, that you loved me all this time.

I am desperately overdue for a post and I've just realised my latest one is that freaky one from two weeks ago. TWO WEEKS AGO. And it's been even longer since I've talked about music. I've been meaning to post for aaaages (Two weeks roughly :P) but I only seem to do it when I'm avoiding homework. Which sucks. But let's be honest, I'm avoiding work now.

So what's been up in two weeks? You may be excused for thinking that I have fallen further and further in to a mad merry-go-round of depression (spiral) but not so! I have been busy, as exams are coming up soon and I really want to do well, as my midyear exams were horrible (I think.... don't really remember to be honest). Plus, I have VCE next year, which probably means I'll be blogging less as I focus on my VCE subjects. I do hope VCE will be fun.
What else? I downloaded the music video for Hold On by Angus & Julia Stone off iTunes a few hours ago (it's free, go get it!) and it's pretty amazing. I'm the video itself is very deep and metaphorical, but the song is amazing on its own. Other music from the past...18 days include:
Warrior's Dawn by Slough Fey. A true metal song about returning from war. Has an epic chorus.
Planets by Short Stack. Cute love song and I love those guys.
Lilith Immaculate by Cradle of Filth. An amazing CoF from their upcoming album. Sounds amazing.
Temptation by Cradle of Filth. Pretty good.
Boys In Town by The Divinyls. Okay.
Pleasure and Pain by The Divinyls. Anyone remember this song? Its been in the back of my head for as long as I can remember and I finally found out who it was by. "It's a fine line, between pleasure and pain!"

Something I've also been meaning to talk about is Linkin Park's new album A Thousand Suns. I was very cynical about how good this album was going to be, as in my opinion LP have declined steadily from their debut. Not declined per se, just that I liked their early music far more than say, What I've Done. However, this album is one of the most inspiring albums I've ever heard. As a side note, in my opinion the reason Linkin Park are so successful is that they rarely sing about love. Bands that have little by way of love songs in their repertoire are few and far between these days, so LP are a bit of fresh air I guess. Wish I had tickets to their concert. Feel free to disagree with me of course, just airing my views on my blog :P.

On the subject of blogger-blog reader communication, thank you for all your comments. Every time I see a new comment in my inbox (I get a notification by email for each comment) it makes me feel all gooey inside :P. I love getting comments. Not that I'm pressuring you or anything :D.

Hmm. Ill just go through my pictures for a second..that's interesting. I thought I had more new pics than that. Oh well....Okay, for some reason I can't access the new ones from My Computer part of the computer, but I can get to them through Blogger. Anyway, it just means there's more than I thought.

Here's hoping.
Hehehehe. Chibis.

Well? I kinda like Lady Gaga. I guess she's just not as bad as some other female singers I could mention
And then you did. Meh. Now I have to rush off to bed 'cause it's past my bedtime. Again.

Friday, October 1, 2010

It's not what you think.

It's almost 830 and I'm going to bed, because the thoughts in my head are killing me. I've got a post half finished in draft, but I cn't do it right now. Why did I bother to write this? You don't need to know this. Why bother. ARGH! I'm dead dead dead dying. I can't breathe. Here's a picture. Fight the need. I don't no why i seadi that. I got my ear eirced on the sunday before last. it didnt hurt, and now i have to spray it everyday. tattoos cost around 150 and hour. I'm dying dying dying dead. theres this par in bring me to life by evanescence were she screames I want to die in the background. its awesome. UMMMMMM. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I hate the end of the holidays. If you're not completely fine I willl fall apart. saty safe eerybody where is my mind im falling apart this is just a strama of conscous thought that is tearing me a part why do i feel this much i want to die pleaselet me i die i want to live LET ME LOVE i love youu i hate you ynneed to get a grip why whywn hyw hwyhwhya;,bna[orsjgbzbx

Eventually, everything dies.

I started a post a few days ago, but had to stop. This is how far I got:

Autumn wants everyone to like her. Her hair falls softly on her shoulders and is the colour of fire. Most boys fall for her, but a particular kind just ignore her, and no matter how she tries they don't care. She moves like a light breeze and wears red, yellow and brown. She has a big personality, but is not as extreme as her cousins.

Winter is cold. Few like her, but she doesn't change for others. She wears black, white and light blue. Winter is lonely and sad, but can't reach out to others well. She likes to-

I should finish it, but the spark I had when I started is gone. I was going to write one for Autumn Winter and Spring, but I couldn't make it sound good.

So today is the last day of the holidays. I don't really care too much. It's all the same to me.
I haven't been so well. But the sleepover was awesome, even if we didn't actually sleep. Lots of fun. I finally did some homework today, then went out to Wombat's place and got depressed :S

So I'm all good and need sleep like Beiber needs a lobotomy. Sorry I'm not very good at similes.
What to say? I changed my message tone, which is cool.

I feel kinda restricted in what I can put down here, suffice to say I feel...unloved. Yeah that's a good way of putting it. I tried to be [Peter Pan} and never grow up and now I'm the kid in the corner refusing to believe his world is changing without him.

I wrote something on a piece of paper once and I found it again recently. Tabletops and rifle shots. I'll let you figure that one out. I have no idea. I know exactly what I want, and it's not that complicated. Its just that I can't have it. Plain and simple.

Sometimes I feel detached from my own life. Looking from the outside in, watching myself live my life. Do you ever think in third-person? He is hanging the washing, She is going to bed? I don't know if I do it because I'm bored or because I'm not really all there.
Fireflies is still an awesome song, and it brings back memories as well.
How amazing is that?
The point is what you do before then I guess. Right now I'm not doing much.
You know it. I'm suddenly happy and I know exactly why. I'm so easily manipulated. WHEEEEEEEEE.
Oh right, nah it's not what you think. Sleepy time for Jokerman now. Talk about a massive post.

I mean, its ridiculous. Horribly depressed all day, and now I'm as happy as fucking Larry. Such a loser. :D

Love you all. Thanks for listening.