Thursday, September 29, 2011

Holidays, tears and kisses

It's the school holidays and you'd think I'd be pleased, but all I feel is loneliness and disappointment. My laptops screen is broken and while its being fixed I wont have it for 3-10 days. So I'm slowly typing this on my phone, in HTML format because my phone hates normal typing apparently. I'm so dependant on the internet for entertainment its terrible. So what was I going to talk about ...
I'm sitting on the bathroom table trying to clean my teeth and type - it's not working very well. I pulled put my 12 year old laptop hoping to watch some YouTube videos, but it doesn't have wireless. As I sat there it struck me that this little, inferior, bug riddled laptop has sat gathering dust on the corner of my room faithfully waiting to be turned on again and prove that it can still fulfill its purpose. I felt sad foe my loyal little laptop. Then I turned it off and put it away again. A little later I was lying on my bed trying to get YouTube on my phone when a memory popped into my head of that one perfect second and those few happy hours she spared me and I hated it for the happiness I'd lost and I just wanted someone to kiss me like that again, love me like that again. I must be a bad kisser.
of course this was all twenty minutes ago, and what seemed so flawlessly poetic it my head then now just feels ... I don't know. Sad maybe. Empty.
Im not even sure if this memory of her lips is real or if I've just re-imagined how they felt.

I miss being in love. I probably shouldn't, because so far love hasn't brought me happiness. Regardless, I miss that last thought before bed and the idle daydreams in class. I miss happiness being a smile away. I miss having a reason to get up in the morning. I miss having a name and face to give a lover when imagining the future.
Anyway. I'm tired. Here's hoping this HTML typed thing works and here's hoping I doing hate this in the morning.


Shut up shut up.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why do I know so many beautiful people? It's so not fair

I've been busy. I think. Today's the last day of the term, which is pretty sweet (no sir I ain't doing it), but I'm a little worried about next term. Lots to do an' all. So unfortunately I don't have long to type something here. (yes I got distracted by We Heart It. It has a new lay out. What am I, a robot?)

So I thought about beautiful people, and normal people and problems and girls and beauty again. I'm scared I misunderstand things. Or that I will. I have to make sure I don't lose my head. This is why I don't drink (must everything come back to that?). I figured out, or realised, or re-realised because I'm pretty sure I knew already, that in the end I have to solve my own problems and no one can solve them for me and I don't know if anyone can really help with them either. This is going to be a long week.
Do I know myself better when I hate myself and think I'm worthless or when I'm so happy I feel on top of the world and that everyone loves me? I don't know. One thing I do know (oo certainty) is that no one knows me like I know me, and I don't know me that well either (what the fuck is that pretentious shit?). Let's be honest. I think I'm a pretty cool guy and even though I tell myself to get a grip I don't ever really (just like every other time). *resists urge to apologise again*. Ow - my eye hurts... I don't know why. This whole day I've had a weird, really annoying tic in my right eye. No idea why. What was I going to say?
My fingers hurt where I've bitten my nails to far and my head hurts from staring at this screen too long. I've totally forgotten what I was going to- no wait I remember.
*gets out phone and reads from screen*
This small house feels big and empty when my father and I sleep in seperate double beds with only our blankets to keep us warm on these cold nights.

Hooray for run on sentences. Never mind that the nights are getting warmer and the cat wanders in and out every night to sleep on out beds. That's not poetic. Or maybe it is... Hmmm.

Anyway, I think its time this little bear went to sleep in his 'cold' bed.

Nighty night e'ery b'dy.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I don't love you, but give me a chance and I'd follow you forever

Sometimes it takes a drunk best friend alternating between apologising profusely and telling you how amazing you are to make you see what's important. And sometimes it takes a drunk best friend explaining how much he hates his life to make you see how universal your problems are. I don't drink. Full stop. But I can see the attraction in inhibitions. I want to lay my heart out too and watch it lie raw and bloody on the kitchen floor. There's somethings you can't explain properly, that you can't tell anyone for fear of them misunderstanding. So I keep some of it locked up. Its okay usually. I should stop switching between first and second-person styles. Whatever. Shuriken is a cool word. Shuriken. Shoo-ree-ken. Hmm.
I've been writing a lot of vague stuff these past few months huh? I think I'm trying to express something that can't be expressed in words. But I try anyway. I miss us.
But like I (sorta) said to him last night; you gotta let stuff go. You can't let your past rule your present. Keep regretting to a minimum. What I didn't tell him, but I realised last night, is that as well as the memories and regrets you have to let go, there's some you should cling to. Because it's sad when you forget the things that once made you so happy. And I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. Freakin' Albert Camus. Absurdist nutjob. Anyway. I'm fucked. I'm reading a book called "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden". It's about a crazy girl who goes to an asylum. I'm partway through, but that asylum looks pretty tempting to me. The thing is, I think (to completely go off track for a moment) that if you ignore your responsibilities (that's a lot of "i"'s) you lose your privileges.
So I went to a party last night. I wasn't going to, but I did. I'm wondering if I regret going or not. I'm not sure. There were good bits and bad bits. I think it was good that I went, but I should have done a few things differently. Differently how I don't know. I'm just not good at parties.
*sings* There is no longer you and I.

I lost my iPod at school, so I've put a few songs on my phone. But headphones don't work with my phone because it's stupid so I mostly listen to new songs on Youtube.

I haven't done any homework in a long time. I can't bring myself to care. So I lie to my teachers and my parents and my friends about how much I'm doing and how much sleep I'm getting and how I'm spending my time. I want to play COD, but not enough to be bothered setting it up.
I think this post is a little different to the others. I'm not writing anything in particular, just what springs to mind. I'm sorry if I'm boring. Haha. I'm apologising and that's funny. Urgh. I'm just...disconnected. I wish I was a sociopath, but I'm not. I wish I was depressive, or bipolar, or an insomniac. You know you're a bit strange when suicide is too much work. I don't mean that. I'm not suicidal. I'm not anything. I think I'm just going to sit here for a while staring at the walls. I must sound strange. I'm not. I'm fine. Normal. Boring. Urgh. Or maybe I'll find something on We Heart It to cheer me up/depress me.

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost:
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. 

Please don't take me seriously. I couldn't bear it if you did.



Kinda appropriate, and damn clever.

I'm not proofreading all that. I'm in a better mood now though. Night.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I couldn't think of a title so I'm just going to keep writing here until I finish my sentence.

I say sometimes alot on here. I think. I haven't actually double checked that, but from memory "alot" seems acceptable. For some reason I think "alot" is one word. Don't know why. It isn't. Anyway. Here's another Sometimes.

Sometimes you have a moment, or you see something, or you hear something, or whatever, that you know is good. Wholly good, intrinsically good, good because it is good and that is what it is and it could never have not been good. And you just know it's good, without asking or double checking with someone else. You just know. Or so I'm told.
That sounded better in my head. Is it weird that I believe in souls, but not the afterlife? Aren't they intrinsically (intrinsic is such an awesome word) linked? Is it possible to have one without the other? Evidently, if I think so.

I'm tired and I hate people. It's a pretty shit feeling to know that your family loves you because you're related to them and they have to and not because you're actually worth loving. I should stop sounding so depressed. I'm not that depressed. Just tired. Tired and lonely. I can't exactly pinpoint when this change started. I don't remember, though it can't have been more that a month ago. Funny how memory works.
I don't want to dream of kisses and happy endings any more because the thing about dreams is, you wake up. Maybe I need a change. Maybe I'm scared to change.

It's so boring being me. Or is it just boring to other people? I hate how I sound on this blog. Alternatively depressed and happy and informative and reflective and whatever, but no matter what exactly I'm feeling, I always have all the time I want to say it on here. And that's not how it works in the real world. I should stop talking now. Stupid internet.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I've never felt like this before.

I. Am. A. Horrible. Person.
Truly despicable.

I thought I was a nice guy, worth the time, worth knowing, worth being friends with, worth hanging out with, worth having around. But no. It seems not. I hate myself. And not in a "I'm so alone way" or a "I'm so ugly" way or an "I'm too fat" way, or a "I'm so depressed" way. A "I hate myself because if I met myself in real life, I would hate me". And I've never felt like this before. Who knew?