Sunday, September 11, 2011

I don't love you, but give me a chance and I'd follow you forever

Sometimes it takes a drunk best friend alternating between apologising profusely and telling you how amazing you are to make you see what's important. And sometimes it takes a drunk best friend explaining how much he hates his life to make you see how universal your problems are. I don't drink. Full stop. But I can see the attraction in inhibitions. I want to lay my heart out too and watch it lie raw and bloody on the kitchen floor. There's somethings you can't explain properly, that you can't tell anyone for fear of them misunderstanding. So I keep some of it locked up. Its okay usually. I should stop switching between first and second-person styles. Whatever. Shuriken is a cool word. Shuriken. Shoo-ree-ken. Hmm.
I've been writing a lot of vague stuff these past few months huh? I think I'm trying to express something that can't be expressed in words. But I try anyway. I miss us.
But like I (sorta) said to him last night; you gotta let stuff go. You can't let your past rule your present. Keep regretting to a minimum. What I didn't tell him, but I realised last night, is that as well as the memories and regrets you have to let go, there's some you should cling to. Because it's sad when you forget the things that once made you so happy. And I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. Freakin' Albert Camus. Absurdist nutjob. Anyway. I'm fucked. I'm reading a book called "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden". It's about a crazy girl who goes to an asylum. I'm partway through, but that asylum looks pretty tempting to me. The thing is, I think (to completely go off track for a moment) that if you ignore your responsibilities (that's a lot of "i"'s) you lose your privileges.
So I went to a party last night. I wasn't going to, but I did. I'm wondering if I regret going or not. I'm not sure. There were good bits and bad bits. I think it was good that I went, but I should have done a few things differently. Differently how I don't know. I'm just not good at parties.
*sings* There is no longer you and I.

I lost my iPod at school, so I've put a few songs on my phone. But headphones don't work with my phone because it's stupid so I mostly listen to new songs on Youtube.

I haven't done any homework in a long time. I can't bring myself to care. So I lie to my teachers and my parents and my friends about how much I'm doing and how much sleep I'm getting and how I'm spending my time. I want to play COD, but not enough to be bothered setting it up.
I think this post is a little different to the others. I'm not writing anything in particular, just what springs to mind. I'm sorry if I'm boring. Haha. I'm apologising and that's funny. Urgh. I'm just...disconnected. I wish I was a sociopath, but I'm not. I wish I was depressive, or bipolar, or an insomniac. You know you're a bit strange when suicide is too much work. I don't mean that. I'm not suicidal. I'm not anything. I think I'm just going to sit here for a while staring at the walls. I must sound strange. I'm not. I'm fine. Normal. Boring. Urgh. Or maybe I'll find something on We Heart It to cheer me up/depress me.

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost:
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. 

Please don't take me seriously. I couldn't bear it if you did.



Kinda appropriate, and damn clever.

I'm not proofreading all that. I'm in a better mood now though. Night.


wolf said...

wow, your writing is actually so incredible.

sky said...

I like you. Or your writing. Either one.

Camelgirl said...

You're so good. Please let me help you get yourself together, I need to too. I miss catching up with you. :(