It's the school holidays and you'd think I'd be pleased, but all I feel is loneliness and disappointment. My laptops screen is broken and while its being fixed I wont have it for 3-10 days. So I'm slowly typing this on my phone, in HTML format because my phone hates normal typing apparently. I'm so dependant on the internet for entertainment its terrible. So what was I going to talk about ...
I'm sitting on the bathroom table trying to clean my teeth and type - it's not working very well. I pulled put my 12 year old laptop hoping to watch some YouTube videos, but it doesn't have wireless. As I sat there it struck me that this little, inferior, bug riddled laptop has sat gathering dust on the corner of my room faithfully waiting to be turned on again and prove that it can still fulfill its purpose. I felt sad foe my loyal little laptop. Then I turned it off and put it away again. A little later I was lying on my bed trying to get YouTube on my phone when a memory popped into my head of that one perfect second and those few happy hours she spared me and I hated it for the happiness I'd lost and I just wanted someone to kiss me like that again, love me like that again. I must be a bad kisser.
of course this was all twenty minutes ago, and what seemed so flawlessly poetic it my head then now just feels ... I don't know. Sad maybe. Empty.
Im not even sure if this memory of her lips is real or if I've just re-imagined how they felt.
I miss being in love. I probably shouldn't, because so far love hasn't brought me happiness. Regardless, I miss that last thought before bed and the idle daydreams in class. I miss happiness being a smile away. I miss having a reason to get up in the morning. I miss having a name and face to give a lover when imagining the future.
Anyway. I'm tired. Here's hoping this HTML typed thing works and here's hoping I doing hate this in the morning.
Shut up shut up.