Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I have no use for beauty, and beauty has no use for me.

Wow. Two weeks since I last posted. It feels so much less than that. It annoys me in a weird way. So much interesting stuff has happened, but I none of it interesting enough for me to work up the energy to do an in-depth talk through it. I bought Immersion. It was good.

As I get older, it feels as though more and more things are less and less sacred. It makes me sad. I'm fine though. Just a bit tired.

Sin It's Easier.

When I talk to people, sometimes little bits of the real me slip out. It says "Help! I'm still here! I'm still alive!". But my slips are joked away, forgotten beneath a torrent of words. Has lying always been this easy? I don't remember when it wasn't, but I feel like I lie more now.

Wombat asked me, half-jokingly, half-sadly, What happened to the kid who was always on MSN and Facebook? "He died" I replied, without thinking. Then I thought about it. Maybe he is dead. He's certainly not around anymore. Now I've made myself sad. Oh well. Goodnight. Again.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


I'm pretending that I'm still clinging desperately to the sense of contentment I had just hours ago, but in reality my fingers have already slipped from that edge.

My head is full of "what if?"s and "how it used to be"s.
Why can't I just be happy with what I have? People make me feel this way. If I could just lock myself in my room and read all day that would be just fine with me. All I do is hurt people and get hurt. I'm cold and lonely. And this loneliness can't be cured, because it never leaves completely. I don't know how to connect with people.

If this loneliness won't leave I'd like to be properly alone instead. Please.

She did it again. And I let her.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

150 times I've opened my heart and bled onto the screen.

I kept trying to to make a really good 150th post to commemorate it, but if I just keep waiting the pressure will keep piling up and I'll never do one I'll think is good enough. Instead, here's a post to commemorate my 150th post. As I write this I think that it'd be a good idea to talk about what's happened in 150 posts. *opens blog in new tab*

I started this blog a year and a half ago for the simple reason that the girl I liked told me to. I'm a simple guy at heart :).
This blog has seen, and seen me through, so many things. Commence Download has watched my love for music and metal grow, my first girlfriend come and go, it's seen me make friends and lose them, fall in love and out again. It's seen my discovery of We Heart It and blogging (obviously). It's been here while I played Minecraft and COD and it's still been here when I stopped. It's seen me excel and fail, worry and relax. I've regretted things written here and I've been proud of them too. I've hated myself here, and loved everything as well. What it shows is not me, in truth, but a version of me. A me I would hope to be, a me that the world can see and judge. It doesn't hold my every thought, secret or creation. It holds things I wouldn't tell people normally. Here (and in the internet in general) I create my own identity, based on the merits of what I say and do online, rather than how I look, or talk, or act. This blog isn't perfect, and I probably end up telling half-truths to make myself look better. This blog, in the end, is the evolution of a year and a half of... me. I don't know how to put it better than that.
Hope you like this blog, but if you don't, it doesn't matter.