Monday, August 22, 2011

I'm finally trying to learn from my mistakes

I apologise for my last post. Sometimes I just need to let things out, yell at something or someone, to say "I'm here! I feel pain too!"

Sometimes I get stuck in this world where political correctness is king and we have to watch everything we say in case they call as mad or dangerous. Particularly when I am mad and dangerous. :). Or not. Anyway, I'm calmer now, going to bed. I realised in the end that its only school. Honestly. That's it. You'd think we'd be used to it after the last 11 years. It's just school. Not war, or a life-or-death situation. It's important to understand what's really important, or else I get bogged down in regret and fear. And I do want to live proudly and boldly and without regrets, I'm just really bad at it. Anyway, it's time I went to bed. While you're here though, listen to this:

which you've probably heard
and this:

which you no doubt haven't. Really, listen to them. For me?

Finally, I've been stalking weheartit and I just might have something to show for it.

 The correct answer is no. At the very least, toast toast bread.

Damn right!

I love you Insanity Wolf.

Nighty night.

P.S. This content mood will not last. Don't worry :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

What are we here to do? My dad suggested I quit school and my mum asked if I'd care when she died.

I really want to write some deep and meaningful post about the nature of love and beauty and purity and pain and death and loss and hurt and friendship and family and phoniness and fighting and blood and war and teenagers and fear. But it really isn't worth it. I know exactly how few people read Commence Download these days and even if these posts are part therapy, they're still a hell of a lot of attention seeking. And the internet is the last place anyone should look for love.

I have a new follower. wolf is my twenty-ninth follower. This blog has been going for almost 2 years. This post is the 164th..i think. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And even with the how fucking deep and precious and mysterious this stupid post is going to seem to be - attention seeking remember - I'll still have time to put labels like "Reflections" and "Followers" on the end. Try clicking the follower tag and reading each one in reverse chronological order. It's interesting to see the time flick past. Or not. I'm sorry. Again.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Given to a girl, written by a boy.

*drums fingers on desk* A little over a week since my last post. Given my track record its not that bad, but it's felt like a while, particularly since I've had so much I wanted to talk about. Now, sadly, the moment is gone and I don't feel like saying anything in particular. I do need to do Lilah's "Dear You" tag, so lets run with that.
To be honest, I'm still not sure who I want to write to, if anyone. I've had a few ideas though, so I'm just going to do it and see how it goes. One moment while I find some appropriate music. Sum 41 and Three Days Grace are what I've ended up listening to lately, so on they go. Oh, and Ruthless by Something Corporate. Of course.

Dear You,
I thought I saw you today. Walking out of Flinders Street Station and there was a girl with her back to me with the exact same stupid shade of hair you dyed it. I didn't freeze, I just watched carefully until she turned around and it wasn't you. Of course not. But it made me think, what would I have done if it was you? Walked up and said hi? Snuck past? I imagined catching your eye and putting a finger to my lips before sauntering off. That's what I do you see. I imagine situations, not just with you, but lots of people, where I manage to say the right things, do the right things. I'm always the height of cool in my head. Whenever I try anything like that in real life of course, it fails terribly. So I keep imagining, keep living in my head, picturing the perfect put down's to crush the people I hate, the perfect comments to brighten the lives of the people around me. Pretending Tyler's words could come out of my mouth.
But that won't ever happen. At least, not with you. Do you understand that? I used to promise you I'd be there for you forever, but I knew I was lying. Because now you're with him I can't be. And I can't confide in you either, despite what you said. I know that you mean the best, and you're only being a good friend but I can't handle it. I shouldn't even be thinking about you, in case it hurts again. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at you again without that pain, but funnily enough I don't want that either. I'm not sure, but maybe I just want the memory of what I once meant to a beautiful, sexy girl before she left me. So for that I thank you. And if you do need someone to confide in, I will be here. It might hurt but I'd do it anyway just to mean something to you again. But you have to figure that out yourself, I won't help you with that.
From (I won't say Love, not again)

Wow. That went better than I expected. Or worse. See, I do have things to get off my chest. Hmmm. Should I do another one? I had three hours sleep last night - did I already say that? Appears not.
I have to stay up a little longer for various reasons, so let's do another one. I could honestly do four or five, with all the stuff I'm not saying to people. Huh. I actually hadn't thought about that til now. I actually have a heap of stuff I could say to people. What does that imply? Often, or at least lately, I feel so distanced from people. But that's a discussion I won't go into right now. It's long, pretentious and depressing. Besides, just because I have things to say, doesn't mean I should say them. Loose lips sink ships and all that. Or is that the wrong turn of phrase. It is. Oh well. Ceebs backspacing.

Anyway, where was I?

Dear You,
I saw you recently. You walked straight past me and didn't even notice I was there. I didn't mind. You looked good, back straight, hair slightly windswept, determined look on face, bag over one shoulder, earphones in, woman power etcetera etcetera. I just wanted to mention that, I didn't have anything too important to say. Hope you're well. I assume you are. Hmm. perhaps I should have thought this out more before I started. FYI, typing in gloves is hard.
(platonic) Love,
Me (can I say Jokerman?)

Incidentally, platonic love is named after the Greek philosopher Plato. He talks about love in a platonic way (obviously) in the philosophical text Gorgias, and perhaps some of his other pieces. And typing is gloves is a bitch. I'm managing though. I'm wearing gloves at home now so I don't chew my fingernails to the root. My fingers look terrible. Hurrumph.
So I guess I better get ready for bed before I collapse. I suppose I have other things to say, but they can wait. I apologise for a lack of pictures, if you want I can start making a point of putting some in. Just let me know. I think I might chill on We Heart It for a bit while I wait for my work to finish up. Don't ask me how that makes sense, it just does. Wow I'm tired. Good night.

Oh shite. Almost forgot the most important part. I HAZ TEH NEW FOLLOWER! I apologise for caps, (god knows I hate caps lock normally) but its been a while. Welcome, welcome, welcome Rebecca. I hope we haven't scared you.

Now I really  need to go to bed. Nighty night.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

This is the last true burning letter

Right. Lilah's tag. I'm not avoiding homework. Shut up. Anyway. The tag. *copy-pastes* All you have to do is write a letter beginning with 'Dear You' that can't include any names, only pronouns. Hmm. I've been thinking about this for a while now and I still haven't figured out who to write it to. I thought of the title though, so...progress! So many people to write to. Argh. Stupid distracting Facebook. RAAAAAAARGH. I probably don't have time to finish now, but I don't want to stop and do it tomorrow. Wow. I actually feel like crying. Surely my day wasn't that bad. I spent about 20 minutes going through the blogs I follow. There aren't that many and it's sad to see that some have been deleted or haven't been updated in ages. I hope that everyone's okay :/. I guess if you don't have anything to post a blog is kinda pointless. I use this place as a place to vent nowadays. When I finish with it I'll be sad.

So tags. Tag. Tag. tag tag. tag tag tag atag tag tagtagtag.
her or her or her or her or her or him or him or him or.. I don't know.
Fuck it I'm going to bed. Sorry Lilah, I'll do it properly soon.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


I'm sick *sneezes* so I've been home all day. Sleeping mostly, though I read Eragon and watched a bit of TV. I had a couple of cool dreams, but I can't remember them.

I no longer dream of eyes,
That sparkle like stars,
Or green and blue like the sea.
I no longer dream of hair,
black as night,
Or red and gold like sunset.
I no longer dream of lips,
 painted red,
Or as plain and beautiful,
as the mid-morning dew.
But even as I wonder,
if this is good or bad.
I know that I will, again

One of my worse poems, free verse is annoying.

I read High Fidelity again. Gooood book.