Radio silence

So..
I'm leaving for my first day at uni in an hour. I'm not scared, anxious or excited. I'm curious about what it's going to be like though. February was a whole lot of nothing, from memory, although Soundwave was last Friday. I got badly sunburnt, listened to some good bands and generally enjoyed myself. More on that later. I had a good dream last for the first time since god knows when, and I finally have a proper sleep cycle.

another old draft "FoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKiloFoxtrotUniformCharlieKilo"

So..
I have another follower! I find this strange. Welcome to my lonely little blog Maha Baseer. You strange person.

So I'm feeling like nothing again. Sometimes I come on here and I write stuff to let my anger out, or pretend I have someone to talk to about my boring life. And then later I'm like, why did I write that? That was a terrible idea. Sometimes this period of wtf-is-wrong-with-you happens before the post and you never get to see what could have been. I'm so goddamn tired. There are no solutions to my problems except to face them and I just don't want to. I don't like the night, cause there's nothing in it anymore. I miss people I never knew. Fucking hell. I don't even know why I'm writing. I want to pretend someone will this and come to my rescue. Fuck. I don't want to be eighteen. I don't want to have to care about taxes, elections, jobs, money, adult bullshit. What's so great about eighteen. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't want to go overseas, I don't want to go to clubs, I don't want to go to brothels, I don't want to watch R-rated movies. And Australia doesn't have R-rated games. Funny shit.

I hate complaining. I hate me.
This is going in my drafts, I can't be fucked enough.

The nightmares that are my hopes and dreams are coming back to haunt me again. I just want to leave everything behind and never think further than my next paycheck.


P.S. I haven't gotten to complain like this on Blogger in aaaages.

Things that are in my 200th post.

• Pretty girls at parties I can't talk to
• Watching movies late at night
• The Dark Night Rises and why it's awesome
• Stand Up and Fight by Turisas and why it's awesome.
• Words with u's instead of o_e's
• Daria
• 90's music
• Lolita by the Veronicas and everything that's wrong with it
• Runaway by The Killers and how it makes me sad.
• Alternative bullshit
• How disappointing it is that alternative is the new mainstream
• Irony and the word I actually want to use
• Poor Unfortunate Souls and the importance role of Disney villains in my upbringing
• How I don't think I've actually seen Snow White
• The fact I never keep promises.
• Complaining: A Study
• Exams
• School homework and how I'm not doing it
• Flirting, how not to do it.
• Flirting, how do you do it?
• Zombie Nation by Kernkraft 400
• Raymond E Feist's novels
• Alcohol and why I hate it
• My mind and why I hate it
• My mind and why I love it
• My body and why it's dumb
• My hair and what to do with it.
• The impact of an interesting name
• Homosexuality: The pros and cons.
• Basketball: Why I should do it more.
• Suits and how buying a suit has furthered my understanding of Barney Stinson
• Money and how I don't have any.
• The irritation that springs from not being allowed to put a comma before an and.
• Why I refuse to tell anyone about my problems.
• Why I hide stuff from my friends.
• La Femme Nikita, what I thought.
• What "THIS. IS. SPARTA." is actually like in it's original context (still completely random)
• Steam, Steam sales and saving $400 by spending $100
• Why I laugh at unfunny things
• The illusion of control
• The Binding of Isaac
• How to maintain a conversation.
• Why I just can't like some people.
• The state of my shoes.
• The state of my fingers
• The state of my room (lol)
• Lol and how IM words have influenced society.
• Why I want to kill myself sometimes
• Why I want to kill everyone else sometimes.
• How boring I am
• Clubbing: Pros and Cons
• The importance of Capitalisation: Is there any?
• Anticlimaxes
• Why I won't tell disgusting jokes to girls
• Chivalry and how I'm probably not a zombie
• Why Blogger depresses me
• Why I haven't posted in so long.
• How my parents seperation has affected my grades: A SEAS application in 2000 characters
• How my mental state has affected my grades: A SEAS application in 2000 characters
• How I'm not probably not going to get to kiss a girl for a while
• Complaining: Why no-one should listen to me.
• My old drafts and why I don't want you to read them
• Pseudonyms and who they are.
• Why my grandmother being in hospital freaked me out.
• Why I like hospitals
• The importance of having a best friend.
• Why pictures of beautiful women piss me off
• Why I shouldn't miss sleep
• Why I shouldn't drink.
• How I can dance (or why I can't)
• Why my blog has a search function
• Why my birthday was a disappointment.
• What loneliness feels like (like you're standing in a room with nothing in it and you know if you go outside the room there will only be another room like the first, so you just stand there and look at the wall and you want to scream but there's no-one to hear and if no-one hears you are you even there?)
• The Mile High Club and what it's worth
• Manic depression, other mental illnesses and how the psychologist was full of shit, I'm not interesting enough to have a disorder.
• How these dot points are getting longer (I notice this stuff) and how only some of them have full stops.
• Happiness and how to bring it to people
• Blood and why I should give it
• Fucks and why I should give them (it's a joke!)
• Why I feel more comfortable talking with gay guys than gay girls
• Bisexuality and why I'm straight.
• Why talking is better than typing.
• Nail-biting as a form of self-mutilation.
• Why you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet.
• Anger and how to deal with it
• Dermatophagia
• My mother and why I don't care.
• Comedy and why its good.
• More of my personal problems in one post than the previous 199.
• How bad it is.

I don't keep many promises.

So..
Argh I don't know what to say! Or where to start. I had a good day I've decided. Everyone's freaking out about exams it seems, and I am too, but at least my IT teacher's given me an extension for my IT SAC. I couldn't focus on either because I was worried about the other (or at least that's my excuse). Not to mention the English and Lit practise SACs I should have done and the Maths I'm horribly behind in. But keeping positive...
Its been a pretty messy week. My room needs a clean, but at least I'm not going to die...I think.
So what's new. My hair's still long, my clothes are still cheap and my motivation is still (pretty) abysmal. But keeping positive...
I was really tired today for some reason, so hopefully I can get some sleep tonight.
Umm. I had a day off school, but went anyway to talk to my IT teacher and try and get some work done. But he wasn't there so I had to email him - which is appropriate I guess, but I didn't want to for some reason :S
I really wanna watch Tangled again. Oh, I saw Tangled. And Mulan. And Mulan 2, Aladdin and Aladdin 2 (not all in one day silly). I went on a kind of Disney binge :D. And a Disney music binge. The number of times I've heard "Prince Ali" today..

Robin Williams is a brilliant actor. Just incredible.

What else. I played games (being me) and had noodles for dinner, which I haven't had in aaaages.

Tangled is awesome.

Man I'm tired. This hasn't been a very interesting post. I noticed that I forgot to add tags to my last few posts, so I might do that before bed. Then tomorrow, basketball (maybe) and revision! Fun!

So yeah.

Oh. And my 18th birthday is in a few days. I.. well, I don't really care. I'm not having a party, because I'm not a party person, but I'll get together a few guys for a birthday chill-out after exams. That's good enough for me I think.

So that's it from me until my Psych exam is over.

Oh, and this tune is just... awesome. I love it. You have to listen to the bit after 1:40 though -.-.

Night!

Oh and guys, I've decided. I want a castle!

Dreaming.

So..
I'm sick *sneezes* so I've been home all day. Sleeping mostly, though I read Eragon and watched a bit of TV. I had a couple of cool dreams, but I can't remember them.

I no longer dream of eyes,
That sparkle like stars,
Or green and blue like the sea.
I no longer dream of hair,
black as night,
Or red and gold like sunset.
I no longer dream of lips,
 painted red,
Or as plain and beautiful,
as the mid-morning dew.
But even as I wonder,
if this is good or bad.
I know that I will, again
Someday.

One of my worse poems, free verse is annoying.

I read High Fidelity again. Gooood book.

The things we think of at night.

So..
Right. I think it's time for another blog post don't you? I heartily apologise for my last one - I think I need to be saved from myself sometimes. Or a lot. Anyway.

It's been about a week and a half since my last post. Lots of interesting stuff's happened since then. Rise Against's concert was amazing. If you've ever been to Festival Hall in Melbourne, imagine it packed out, every person with a phone or lighter in their hand, singing along to this:

Simply beautiful.
They played a couple of songs I didn't know and a lot I did :D. Hero of War and Satellite are two new ones I've picked up and adored.
The night following the concert was Camelgirl's birthday party! I had to wear a suit and the long hair just didn't work with it. Ah well. A better party than I was expecting, got home around 12 I think. Or was it 1. Something like that. Anyway, Wombat slept over, which was cool.

School was annoying this week, but I gave a cool oral presentation in Literature so I'm happy with that. I don't think it gets marked though unfortunately. Thursday was Wombat's birthday, so he slept over again. Then Friday (yesterday) was Wombat's birthday party, hosted at my house. I made a mud cake, which was delicious, and his sister made a choc ripple cake, which was also delicious (but not as good as mine of course). We mostly played videogames and ate crap food. Pizza for dinner, then at 1030 we went to another party and stayed there til...2. That party was okay, but not really my kinda thing. Still, I enjoyed myself well enough, and Wombat, Sponge, Unkle and Rug stayed over. I'm really bad at the whole nickname thing aren't I?

So today I woke up after <4 hours sleep and had pizza and mud cake for breakfast. I messed around on the computer, said goodbye to the boys and had Weet-Bix for lunch. Then I had a nap before heading off to basketball on about 4 and a half hours sleep. Lost basketball, came home shower blardy blah.

Hmmm.
Ah.

The above graffiti is (or was, I think it's at least partially covered up now) decorating a wall in this beloved city. I spotted it one day and resolved to take a photo of it but never did. I realised today that most likely someone else did get a snapshot of it. A quick search on google images and voila! Hope you like it.

Well I guess I better head off. Things to do ey wot.

P.S. I still have to do Lilah's tag. Must not forget that :)

So..
I can't believe I only posted once during the holidays. And it was... what it was. You can see it. But I'm past that, for now.

Of course I can't believe a few things right now. Like that I haven't done any homework in two weeks. That the holidays are over. I'm listening to Fight Club as I type. It's fascinating. I watched it again recently, on a whim. Then I listened to it on the train instead of music. I want to learn all the words. Like a song. Now that I want to learn the script off by heart, I immediately have a new appreciation for actors.
What else. Marla Singer has more right to be at testicular cancer. Watch Fight Club. Buy it. The book and the movie. Read it.
Or don't. What will I care.

I wrote this recently. I forget why.
Thank God for bad television, Ginger beer and emotion suppression.
I wish I could say thank God for cheap cigarettes and cheap drinks but I can't and won't. 


I want to feel this again:
Moskau
I put my headphones in my ears, clicked shuffle and then for a second i wasn't there. Raw power flooded my system and suddenly I wasn't cold, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't worried or alone. In that second all I was was me, perfectly, purely me! And it felt good.

Listen to Gateways by Dimmu Borgir.

Give yourself to the music.
I just feel like talking. Holidays felt good. Of course, they were too short. My computer keeps stuffing up. I'm getting up at 7 tomorrow. Can't believe it. Can't comprehend it, can't process it. Like when I heard that Saint Basil's Cathedral is 450 years old and I could understand how old that is, but the concept that the Coliseum is over 2 thousand years old is incomprehensible. How do you grasp something like that? I can't do it and I doubt you can. Not really. Beyond a certain point years become merely words.



Death was the only absolute value in my world. Lose life and one would lose nothing again forever. Death was far more certain than God, and with death there would no longer be the daily possibility of love dying. The nightmare of a future of boredom and indifference would lift. I could never have been a pacifist. To kill a man was surely to grant him an immeasurable benefit.

-Graham Green, The Quiet American

He's not a boy that you can change

So..
I'm trying to not to constantly make thinly disguised posts about 'her' - whoever 'she' may be. Along with the tedium it creates for my lovely followers and the inanity of it all, it feels demeaning that I have to have someone to crush on to feel as if my life as any special meaning. Why can't I be like other guys at school, apparently enjoying what there is to enjoy - good food, good friends, keeping busy, keeping healthy. I had a brief period over the last two months or so where I did manage to be happy, or content, with what I have. Now.. I don't like writing this. I want to write something interesting, something to make you think, laugh, form a tear, talk about.
My mind can acknowledge the truth, but it doesn't mean I believe it.
I'm confused. Its 1139, we heart it is down so no pictures - isn't a dependence on a site like that ridiculous. I'm a guy, I'm meant to be sex-crazed, emotionless, strong...what else? And sometimes I am those things, but so often I just want someone to love me, to hold, so often I am weak, weak, weak. My pride as a man makes me regret writing this, but I know I'll post it. Isn't that phrase stupid.'Pride as a man' - was I born in 1929?

I remember, a long time ago now, when I would spend all day waiting for sleep, just for that tiny chance I would dream of you. Then there were nights I did not sleep, knowing that you were sitting up with me near and far, a hundred kilometers away on the other side of the screen. I don't start conversations anymore, but she speaks so often. 'Just friends'..I think she needs that, needs a friend. I don't want to let her down, but...I can't finish this.

I cannnot express myself properly, and when I have the words, I cannot say them. I am shy and out-going, loud and quiet, friendly and shut off. Disturbed and sane. Crazily weird and pathetically normal.

It was my last day of school for the year. It was nothing worth blogging about. It rained today, bucketing down, I was so wrapped up in the TV I didn't notice for a long time.

And the rain came again, soaking me to the skin, chilling to the bone and I despaired that winter would ever end.

I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. Running circles in my head makes me tired mentally, and my body is out of sync.

The conscious and the unconscious mind, cerebellum and frontal lobe, built for nothing more than fight or flight, hunt or be hunted, predator and prey.

I wish I would cry. Something to show for what I feel inside.

Beauty fades, shadows fall, minds decay, the light dies. My principal said we where halfway through our education at this school, but we have two years left of twelve. Everyone must live in constant ignorance, for if we ask why we are lost. Why should I finish this assignment? To pass the subject. Why do I need to pass the subject? To pass the year. Why do I need to pass the year? To get to the next one. Why do I need to get to the next year? To pass each year after that. Why? To go to uni. Why? to get a job. Why? to make money. Why? To live comfortably when I retire. Why do all that just to live comfortably when you retire? Because.

I hate becauses.

Why do what is expected of us? Does it make us happy? satisfied? fulfilled? Better to be alone and happy than surrounded by friends and miserable.

It'd be cool to be a hermit.

No one sees my darkest thoughts, for one who did would condemn me so.

I refuse to drink, for if I drink I will not be in control and I am rarely in control at the best of times. I rarely do anything purely for selfless reasons. Are you so different.

Forget this.

No one will change me. Not even me. I am here, I am real.

Call me thief, call me seducer, call me loser, call me freak. Call me weird, call me perverse, call me sick, call me wrong, call me right, call me free, call me dumb, call me smart, call me happy, call me sad, call me annoying, call me interesting, call me yours, call me heart breaker, call me whatever you like. But when I call you beautiful, don't you dare call me liar.

Symbols

So..

I really should be asleep right now but I really wanted to write this post. I've gotten less than seven hours sleep every night for almost a week when it should be nine. Did you know that? Nine hours at least for teens.
Anyway. Symbolism is..let's see.."The practice of representing things by means of symbols or of attributing symbolic meanings or significance to objects, events, or relationships."

Symbols and symbolism fascinate me and are a major part of my thinking. No one really knows this because I've been like this for so long that I don't even realise it. Symbols are somehow just important. Every part of language contains symbols and your name is a symbol representing you as an individual. Without your name there is no way to distinguish you specifically from a million people who look, talk and think like you. I have a shelf in my room where I keeps little bits and pieces I've picked up or bought or been given that all represent some memory. For example, there's a completely ordinary block of wood that brings up memories of going to the National Folk Festival last year. I have a dollar I will never spend because an old no-longer-a-friend once gave it to me on a whim and I wanted to remember them with it. Symbols permeate your lives, even once you disregard letters and numbers that represent sounds. Simple things like arrows telling you where to go and logos to represent your favourite brands. Looking at a key might evoke feelings of home,while a chain represents imprisonment. For me, weird things like the number seventeen represent randomness and independence. The heavy metal 'devil horns' for me means power over myself and control of my future. What do symbols mean for you?

Now, bring me that horizon

So..
Before I go to bed, two things. This is Desiderata by Max Ehrmann, written in 1952:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

The other thing is, if you're bored and have seven minutes to kill, listen to Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) on Youtube. I reeaally like it.

"Me, I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest—honestly! It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly… stupid." Savvy?

"Gentlemen; m'lady. This is the day you will always remember as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!"

Johnny Depp is a brilliant pirate. Go and watch it now.

I blame society

So..

Just an update on the homework situation.its now 2.50 and nothing more has been done because I just finished reading all of Cat's blog. DAMMIT. My excuse is "Know Your Enemy". Damn you Cat (joking). Note to self: say lol around Cat as much as possible and look out for groin shots - she's had practise.
My title is just something I say whenever something happens that you can't blame on anyone in particular.Or just at random points in conversation. I'll go to bed at 4. I'm going to try and finish my music before then. OK I'll finish my music and go to bed. I refuse to stay up past 4 because the latest I've ever stayed up is 5 and I enjoyed it too much to have the title of "Latest I have stayed up" reduced to a pathetic homework overload. I am the best procrastinator in the world. I'm actually not kidding. I could make watching paint dry more interesting than doing my homework. Really. You could like, make two marks in the paint and then race them against each other to see which one dries first. Something along those lines. The problem is I never get any real peace anyway because its always there, at the back of my head, preying on my mind. I love sleep because I don't have to think. And sometimes I have wonderful dreams.