Friday, December 10, 2010

Christmas thoughts

Every year around Christmas I open the letter box, take out a Christmas card or two and imagine myself 30 years from now sitting alone at home without a single card because I never made the effort.

Every year at Christmas I think of how my grandfather died, sitting at the table on Christmas day with his entire family around him and I hope to die as well as he did.

Every year around Christmas I imagine kissing a beautiful girl at midnight on New Years Eve.

Every year at Christmas, as I sit down to the dinner table with my mum, dad, brother, grandmother and assorted cousins I wonder if I'll ever see it from where my dad does.

Every year at Christmas I eat until I'm full and stay up late.

Every year at Christmas I feel a little sad that another year has gone by.

Every year after Christmas I hardly bother making a new years resolution, because I've never thought it was that important to do.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Posts, Jealousy, Realisations, Letters and Music

I'm back! I know that I'm posting about the time I normally would be, considering my posts have been a lot more spaced out over the last few months. But making the decision to not blog made me realise how much I've come to depend on Commence Download. As a kind of personal therapy, to vent my frustrations and sadness. And I have plenty to write so I'll most likely forget it all.

Nothing interesting to note, I'm now using the new post layout, thank you Aoife.
I note that I haven't had any new followers in a long while. I suspect many of my old ones have stopped reading also, I know if you follow heaps of blogs you tend to skip reading the boring ones. I only follow people who follow me, which probably is responsible for my low follower numbers. I don't mind too much as I don't usually (read never) talk about blogs in the real world, so its hard to get jealous of people with high follower numbers.

Speaking of jealousy, I realised quite soon after my last post (or possible slightly before it) that I am a jealous person. A part of me knew that fact but I only recently actually voiced the fact, made it a conscious realisation. I'm jealous of people with iPhones, I'm jealous of guys with girlfriends, I;m jealous of motivated people, I'm jealous of people with money, I've jealous of constantly happy people (they're probably covering for something but how would I know?). I'm jealous of handsome men, sexy men, friends, enemies, acquaintances etc.
The people I'm most jealous of, regularly and without fail, are people who get to interact with whoever my crush is at that time. People (particularly guys of course) who get to see, talk to, laugh at, laugh with, smile at, get smiled at, piss of, comfort, kiss, hug and whatever with my crush.

God I hate that word. Crush sounds so childish, like I'm a 8 year old with a crush on the girl next to me in class. Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it; 'my love' is too..personal and adult. It would make me sound like a 17 year old who thinks he's met the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with.

Anyway. Where was I, oh yeah. So having a crush sucks major balls. I want them to laugh, cry, kiss, hug etc etc only with me. Which is kinda hard when you go to an all boys school and your current crush lives 100 kilometers away. Not the happiest circumstances.

And yes, I still like my ex-girlfriend. So what? happens all the time. I'll get over it eventually, and everything was fine until I told her a few days ago. Now I'm not sure what's going to happen. 'Just friends' would be fine thank you very much. Why can't girls handle it when you tell them you like them? I didn't even say I loved her, I said "I might not love you, but I have a major crush". I ranting a bit. Wish I hadn't said major, that sounds weird. Anyway.

I'm fine though, I'll live. Such things pass. I actually decided to make a post because I wanted to do something a bit different and write some letters. They're quite personal, so we'll see how far I'm willing to go.

First up,

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,

The thing that bugs me the most, is that we had a pathetic relationship. Honestly our "relationship" went for two months and consisted of one date, one time I went to the footy with you and your parents (nice people by the way) and lots of long conversations ending in "I love you" I think you might have meant it at the start. But that, my dear, is not a relationship. You know what I think? I think I was safe. Easy to deal with, far away, completely impersonal.

And then you broke up with me. I was expecting it, I got over it. We didn't talk for a while and then somehow we did. It the last two weeks I've learned a lot about you. And I know now you have
problems like everyone else along with some special ones of your own.

I can't get angry with you. I can't get angry because if I'm wrong and you do care all I would achieve is hurting a good friend.

Love Jokerman

Next please.

Dear Hime,
Good friends, then not. Then avoiding and downcast eyes. I thought you were beautiful, but inside just ain't that pretty sometimes. Sorry we fell apart, wish I could have known you better.
I can't say more so,

Goodbye, Jokerman

Those were the two I wanted to write. You see, when I'm bored I make up stories in my head, conversations I wish could happen and and ones I hope don't. Things I'm going to write for the blog, or things to put in it. Fantasizing about life you could say.

I bought Slipknot's album Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses recently. There's some good stuff on there, but my new favourite is the last track on the album "Danger - Keep Away". It's..eerie. Good listening for a night like this, dark, forbidding. Unintelligible whispers are followed by "we do feel alone, we do feel alone" opening the track. Listen to it, we all have time on the holidays. Turn the lights down, lower the volume so you have to strain a little to hear it. Close the blinds, stick in some earplugs and close your eyes. Maybe you won't like it. It doesn't get as loud as some of their other stuff, which is good.

Other songs I've picked up are Shakira's two hits "Whenever, Wherever" and "Hips Don't Lie". I make no excuses for my musical tastes. Also "Wild At Heart" another Birds of Tokyo song. Fun to hear.

"Na Na Na" and "Sing" by My Chemical Romance are both good, the first for the sound the second for the lyrics.

What else is there? I've forgotten things I wanted to say. This will do, thank you, and good night.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

a break?

I think I might give blogger a break for a bit. I bet I'll be back tomorrow, but in case I'm not, I'll see you soon I'm sure.

The problem is, I'm very good at breaking my heart.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

He's not a boy that you can change

I'm trying to not to constantly make thinly disguised posts about 'her' - whoever 'she' may be. Along with the tedium it creates for my lovely followers and the inanity of it all, it feels demeaning that I have to have someone to crush on to feel as if my life as any special meaning. Why can't I be like other guys at school, apparently enjoying what there is to enjoy - good food, good friends, keeping busy, keeping healthy. I had a brief period over the last two months or so where I did manage to be happy, or content, with what I have. Now.. I don't like writing this. I want to write something interesting, something to make you think, laugh, form a tear, talk about.
My mind can acknowledge the truth, but it doesn't mean I believe it.
I'm confused. Its 1139, we heart it is down so no pictures - isn't a dependence on a site like that ridiculous. I'm a guy, I'm meant to be sex-crazed, emotionless, strong...what else? And sometimes I am those things, but so often I just want someone to love me, to hold, so often I am weak, weak, weak. My pride as a man makes me regret writing this, but I know I'll post it. Isn't that phrase stupid.'Pride as a man' - was I born in 1929?

I remember, a long time ago now, when I would spend all day waiting for sleep, just for that tiny chance I would dream of you. Then there were nights I did not sleep, knowing that you were sitting up with me near and far, a hundred kilometers away on the other side of the screen. I don't start conversations anymore, but she speaks so often. 'Just friends'..I think she needs that, needs a friend. I don't want to let her down, but...I can't finish this.

cannnot express myself properly, and when I have the words, I cannot say them. I am shy and out-going, loud and quiet, friendly and shut off. Disturbed and sane. Crazily weird and pathetically normal.

It was my last day of school for the year. It was nothing worth blogging about. It rained today, bucketing down, I was so wrapped up in the TV I didn't notice for a long time.

And the rain came again, soaking me to the skin, chilling to the bone and I despaired that winter would ever end.

I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. Running circles in my head makes me tired mentally, and my body is out of sync.

The conscious and the unconscious mind, cerebellum and frontal lobe, built for nothing more than fight or flight, hunt or be hunted, predator and prey.

I wish I would cry. Something to show for what I feel inside.

Beauty fades, shadows fall, minds decay, the light dies. My principal said we where halfway through our education at this school, but we have two years left of twelve. Everyone must live in constant ignorance, for if we ask why we are lost. Why should I finish this assignment? To pass the subject. Why do I need to pass the subject? To pass the year. Why do I need to pass the year? To get to the next one. Why do I need to get to the next year? To pass each year after that. Why? To go to uni. Why? to get a job. Why? to make money. Why? To live comfortably when I retire. Why do all that just to live comfortably when you retire? Because.

I hate becauses.

Why do what is expected of us? Does it make us happy? satisfied? fulfilled? Better to be alone and happy than surrounded by friends and miserable.

It'd be cool to be a hermit.

No one sees my darkest thoughts, for one who did would condemn me so.

I refuse to drink, for if I drink I will not be in control and I am rarely in control at the best of times. I rarely do anything purely for selfless reasons. Are you so different.

Forget this.

No one will change me. Not even me. I am here, I am real.

Call me thief, call me seducer, call me loser, call me freak. Call me weird, call me perverse, call me sick, call me wrong, call me right, call me free, call me dumb, call me smart, call me happy, call me sad, call me annoying, call me interesting, call me yours, call me heart breaker, call me whatever you like. But when I call you beautiful, don't you dare call me liar.