aggressive breakdown should be a thing.

So..
Two parties in two nights, cycling through rage, anger, joy and numbness have left me emotionally and mentally exhausted. Thank god I don't have to do any work in school tomorrow. I have a stomach ache from too much sweet food and a pressure inside my head that won't let me relax. I can't concentrate and there's nothing I want to do. I can't sleep because I'm not physically tired, but I don't want to think either. So I'm writing a blog post. Cleveer.

Some things I wrote down over the past week:

"The easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves"
Because they're the ones we want to believe the most.

"You can tell a lot about a person and their state of mind through a hug"
And then a few days later:

"When a hug doesn't help, you know there's a problem"
Don't ask me what's with all the hug stuff, cause I don't have a clue.


Nothing else to say really.

Things that are in my 200th post.

• Pretty girls at parties I can't talk to
• Watching movies late at night
• The Dark Night Rises and why it's awesome
• Stand Up and Fight by Turisas and why it's awesome.
• Words with u's instead of o_e's
• Daria
• 90's music
• Lolita by the Veronicas and everything that's wrong with it
• Runaway by The Killers and how it makes me sad.
• Alternative bullshit
• How disappointing it is that alternative is the new mainstream
• Irony and the word I actually want to use
• Poor Unfortunate Souls and the importance role of Disney villains in my upbringing
• How I don't think I've actually seen Snow White
• The fact I never keep promises.
• Complaining: A Study
• Exams
• School homework and how I'm not doing it
• Flirting, how not to do it.
• Flirting, how do you do it?
• Zombie Nation by Kernkraft 400
• Raymond E Feist's novels
• Alcohol and why I hate it
• My mind and why I hate it
• My mind and why I love it
• My body and why it's dumb
• My hair and what to do with it.
• The impact of an interesting name
• Homosexuality: The pros and cons.
• Basketball: Why I should do it more.
• Suits and how buying a suit has furthered my understanding of Barney Stinson
• Money and how I don't have any.
• The irritation that springs from not being allowed to put a comma before an and.
• Why I refuse to tell anyone about my problems.
• Why I hide stuff from my friends.
• La Femme Nikita, what I thought.
• What "THIS. IS. SPARTA." is actually like in it's original context (still completely random)
• Steam, Steam sales and saving $400 by spending $100
• Why I laugh at unfunny things
• The illusion of control
• The Binding of Isaac
• How to maintain a conversation.
• Why I just can't like some people.
• The state of my shoes.
• The state of my fingers
• The state of my room (lol)
• Lol and how IM words have influenced society.
• Why I want to kill myself sometimes
• Why I want to kill everyone else sometimes.
• How boring I am
• Clubbing: Pros and Cons
• The importance of Capitalisation: Is there any?
• Anticlimaxes
• Why I won't tell disgusting jokes to girls
• Chivalry and how I'm probably not a zombie
• Why Blogger depresses me
• Why I haven't posted in so long.
• How my parents seperation has affected my grades: A SEAS application in 2000 characters
• How my mental state has affected my grades: A SEAS application in 2000 characters
• How I'm not probably not going to get to kiss a girl for a while
• Complaining: Why no-one should listen to me.
• My old drafts and why I don't want you to read them
• Pseudonyms and who they are.
• Why my grandmother being in hospital freaked me out.
• Why I like hospitals
• The importance of having a best friend.
• Why pictures of beautiful women piss me off
• Why I shouldn't miss sleep
• Why I shouldn't drink.
• How I can dance (or why I can't)
• Why my blog has a search function
• Why my birthday was a disappointment.
• What loneliness feels like (like you're standing in a room with nothing in it and you know if you go outside the room there will only be another room like the first, so you just stand there and look at the wall and you want to scream but there's no-one to hear and if no-one hears you are you even there?)
• The Mile High Club and what it's worth
• Manic depression, other mental illnesses and how the psychologist was full of shit, I'm not interesting enough to have a disorder.
• How these dot points are getting longer (I notice this stuff) and how only some of them have full stops.
• Happiness and how to bring it to people
• Blood and why I should give it
• Fucks and why I should give them (it's a joke!)
• Why I feel more comfortable talking with gay guys than gay girls
• Bisexuality and why I'm straight.
• Why talking is better than typing.
• Nail-biting as a form of self-mutilation.
• Why you shouldn't believe everything you read on the internet.
• Anger and how to deal with it
• Dermatophagia
• My mother and why I don't care.
• Comedy and why its good.
• More of my personal problems in one post than the previous 199.
• How bad it is.

Dependence and Relationships.

So..
And now for something completely different


Independence

1. not being influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion,conduct, etc.; being able to think or act for oneself
2. not being subject to another's authority or jurisdiction;autonomous; free
3. being uninfluenced by the thought or action of others
4. not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.
5. not being reliant on another or others for aid or support.

Financial Independence

1. the state of having sufficient personal wealth to live indefinitely without having to work actively for basic necessities.
2. the ability to manage your money in such away that you have sufficient funds to live your chosen lifestyle without assistance from others.
   
3. To be able to meet all current and future cash outflows with passive cash inflows.

Emotional Independence

1. To not be reliant on the opinions and emotions of others to be happy; to not allow others to influence one's emotional state.

Relationships

I noticed a few weeks ago that you can't be taught how to be in a relationship, or how to relate to people. I say noticed, because I think I always kinda knew it, but I never actually realised it. If you know what I mean (and you should, you're smart aren't you?). Relationships, especially intimate ones, are things you have to work out on your own. And as you do, you find out more about yourself. From my relationships I think I've learned a few things about myself. I'm passionate and loving, but often superficial. I'm jealous and I don't bond with people readily. I'm trusting, but if you break my trust I'm slow to forgive. I can be manipulative if I let my self stop caring. I'm not very loyal and I apologise too much. I complain too much. I'm bad at understanding people. I take sides easily, but I don't often think badly of people.

I realised (properly realised, not just noticed) that I have better friends than I thought. I spoke to a guy at school yesterday, idly complaining about my general lack of direction, motivation or prospects. His reply was not what I expected. Instead of making a general statement about looking at the positives or some crap, as I am accustomed to, he made a sincere and thoughtful response that I didn't know how to answer. What he said itself wasn't what amazed me, but the fact that he actually went to the trouble of listening to me complaining and thought about what I said for more than the time it took to change the subject. In this fast-track brave new world, the fact that he stopped to think seems important.

This is my 199th post. I wanted to do something special for my 200th, but I can't think of one. Finally, I wanted to include an amazing quote from the book Magician by Raymond E. Feist. Unfortunately, I didn't note the page when I read it, and the thing's over 800 pages long. You should go read it, it's an amazing book. If I find the quote again it's going straight up here.


Found it. The internet is a wonderful place.


"There are many ways to love someone. Sometimes we want love so much, we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a pure and noble thing, no poor human can ever meet our vision. But for the most part, love is a recognition, an opportunity to say, "There is something about you I cherish." It doesn't entail marriage, or even physical love. There's love of parents, love of city or nation, love of life, and love of people. All different, all love."
-Raymond E. Feist, Magician. p. 438, 5th Ed.

Sweet dreams.

What do I want?

So..
I want... to tango in the street.
I want... to kiss in the rain.
I want... to watch my blood flow across the canteen floor.
I want... to whisper that I'm cursed by the Black Pearl.
I want... to sleep for twelve hours and not feel like I wasted something.
I want... that moment of pure happiness back. I don't know where I left it.
I want... hit someone. Sometimes.
I want... this blog to mean something.
I want... to not be me.
I want... to stop time and just sit and read in a park alone in a frozen crowd.
I want... -ed you.
I want... this ache to go away.
I want... more scars.
I want... to burn my books and bed.
I want... to run and run and run and never ever face what I'm running from.
I want... to actually be interesting, rather pretending.
I want... to watch the world burn.
I want... to be alone forever. (Sometimes)
I want... my three wishes.
I want... to be infamous.
I want... your pity to stop.
I want... D.I.D.
I want... happiness.
I want... to know what blindness feels like.
I want... to snap.
I want... someone to get my jokes.
I want... to fly.
I want... to learn meditation.


The pathetic irony of my life is that I want so much, but don't want to work for any of it. Maybe I'd be best off wanting some motivation, some drive. But I can't be bothered. It'd be funny, if it wasn't just boring.

Why we can't have nice things anymore indeed.

So..
Have you ever been confronted with a situation you have no idea how to react to emotionally, so you kinda just wait to see were it goes and hope that at the end you're happy? That happened to me about a week ago. Felt weird.

I need to sleep. When I don't get enough sleep my emotions go haywire and everything sets me off. It's never fun. But I want to stay awake. Dammit I'm going to go to sleep. Right. Now.

If you write something in a poem, does it make it okay?

So..

These dark nights
Bring dark dreams
Dark thoughts
Dark silences
Dark desires
Dark wants
Dark feelings
Dark sounds
Dark words
Dark memories
Of dark places.

I couldn't sleep properly last night, but that's not very interesting is it? School's back and I want to die again. Life goes on. Stuff. I hate my hypocrisy and greed.

I'd like to think I was reliable, trustworthy, a secretkeeper and confidante. a friend. Someone worth admiring, worth loving. But I think maybe I'm not any of these things.

Why do I know so many beautiful people? It's so not fair

So..
I've been busy. I think. Today's the last day of the term, which is pretty sweet (no sir I ain't doing it), but I'm a little worried about next term. Lots to do an' all. So unfortunately I don't have long to type something here. (yes I got distracted by We Heart It. It has a new lay out. What am I, a robot?)

So I thought about beautiful people, and normal people and problems and girls and beauty again. I'm scared I misunderstand things. Or that I will. I have to make sure I don't lose my head. This is why I don't drink (must everything come back to that?). I figured out, or realised, or re-realised because I'm pretty sure I knew already, that in the end I have to solve my own problems and no one can solve them for me and I don't know if anyone can really help with them either. This is going to be a long week.
Do I know myself better when I hate myself and think I'm worthless or when I'm so happy I feel on top of the world and that everyone loves me? I don't know. One thing I do know (oo certainty) is that no one knows me like I know me, and I don't know me that well either (what the fuck is that pretentious shit?). Let's be honest. I think I'm a pretty cool guy and even though I tell myself to get a grip I don't ever really (just like every other time). *resists urge to apologise again*. Ow - my eye hurts... I don't know why. This whole day I've had a weird, really annoying tic in my right eye. No idea why. What was I going to say?
My fingers hurt where I've bitten my nails to far and my head hurts from staring at this screen too long. I've totally forgotten what I was going to- no wait I remember.
*gets out phone and reads from screen*
This small house feels big and empty when my father and I sleep in seperate double beds with only our blankets to keep us warm on these cold nights.

Hooray for run on sentences. Never mind that the nights are getting warmer and the cat wanders in and out every night to sleep on out beds. That's not poetic. Or maybe it is... Hmmm.

Anyway, I think its time this little bear went to sleep in his 'cold' bed.

Nighty night e'ery b'dy.

I've never felt like this before.

So..
I. Am. A. Horrible. Person.
Truly despicable.

I thought I was a nice guy, worth the time, worth knowing, worth being friends with, worth hanging out with, worth having around. But no. It seems not. I hate myself. And not in a "I'm so alone way" or a "I'm so ugly" way or an "I'm too fat" way, or a "I'm so depressed" way. A "I hate myself because if I met myself in real life, I would hate me". And I've never felt like this before. Who knew?

Given to a girl, written by a boy.

So..
*drums fingers on desk* A little over a week since my last post. Given my track record its not that bad, but it's felt like a while, particularly since I've had so much I wanted to talk about. Now, sadly, the moment is gone and I don't feel like saying anything in particular. I do need to do Lilah's "Dear You" tag, so lets run with that.
To be honest, I'm still not sure who I want to write to, if anyone. I've had a few ideas though, so I'm just going to do it and see how it goes. One moment while I find some appropriate music. Sum 41 and Three Days Grace are what I've ended up listening to lately, so on they go. Oh, and Ruthless by Something Corporate. Of course.
So.

Dear You,
I thought I saw you today. Walking out of Flinders Street Station and there was a girl with her back to me with the exact same stupid shade of hair you dyed it. I didn't freeze, I just watched carefully until she turned around and it wasn't you. Of course not. But it made me think, what would I have done if it was you? Walked up and said hi? Snuck past? I imagined catching your eye and putting a finger to my lips before sauntering off. That's what I do you see. I imagine situations, not just with you, but lots of people, where I manage to say the right things, do the right things. I'm always the height of cool in my head. Whenever I try anything like that in real life of course, it fails terribly. So I keep imagining, keep living in my head, picturing the perfect put down's to crush the people I hate, the perfect comments to brighten the lives of the people around me. Pretending Tyler's words could come out of my mouth.
But that won't ever happen. At least, not with you. Do you understand that? I used to promise you I'd be there for you forever, but I knew I was lying. Because now you're with him I can't be. And I can't confide in you either, despite what you said. I know that you mean the best, and you're only being a good friend but I can't handle it. I shouldn't even be thinking about you, in case it hurts again. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at you again without that pain, but funnily enough I don't want that either. I'm not sure, but maybe I just want the memory of what I once meant to a beautiful, sexy girl before she left me. So for that I thank you. And if you do need someone to confide in, I will be here. It might hurt but I'd do it anyway just to mean something to you again. But you have to figure that out yourself, I won't help you with that.

From (I won't say Love, not again)

Me.

Wow. That went better than I expected. Or worse. See, I do have things to get off my chest. Hmmm. Should I do another one? I had three hours sleep last night - did I already say that? Appears not.

I have to stay up a little longer for various reasons, so let's do another one. I could honestly do four or five, with all the stuff I'm not saying to people. Huh. I actually hadn't thought about that til now. I actually have a heap of stuff I could say to people. What does that imply? Often, or at least lately, I feel so distanced from people. But that's a discussion I won't go into right now. It's long, pretentious and depressing. Besides, just because I have things to say, doesn't mean I should say them. Loose lips sink ships and all that. Or is that the wrong turn of phrase. It is. Oh well. Ceebs backspacing.

Anyway, where was I?

Dear You,
I saw you recently. You walked straight past me and didn't even notice I was there. I didn't mind. You looked good, back straight, hair slightly windswept, determined look on face, bag over one shoulder, earphones in, woman power etcetera etcetera. I just wanted to mention that, I didn't have anything too important to say. Hope you're well. I assume you are. Hmm. perhaps I should have thought this out more before I started. FYI, typing in gloves is hard.

(platonic) Love,

Me (can I say Jokerman?)

Incidentally, platonic love is named after the Greek philosopher Plato. He talks about love in a platonic way (obviously) in the philosophical text Gorgias, and perhaps some of his other pieces. And typing is gloves is a bitch. I'm managing though. I'm wearing gloves at home now so I don't chew my fingernails to the root. My fingers look terrible. Hurrumph.

So I guess I better get ready for bed before I collapse. I suppose I have other things to say, but they can wait. I apologise for a lack of pictures, if you want I can start making a point of putting some in. Just let me know. I think I might chill on We Heart It for a bit while I wait for my work to finish up. Don't ask me how that makes sense, it just does. Wow I'm tired. Good night.

Oh shite. Almost forgot the most important part. I HAZ TEH NEW FOLLOWER! I apologise for caps, (god knows I hate caps lock normally) but its been a while. Welcome, welcome, welcome Rebecca. I hope we haven't scared you.

Now I really  need to go to bed. Nighty night.

The things we think of at night.

So..
Right. I think it's time for another blog post don't you? I heartily apologise for my last one - I think I need to be saved from myself sometimes. Or a lot. Anyway.

It's been about a week and a half since my last post. Lots of interesting stuff's happened since then. Rise Against's concert was amazing. If you've ever been to Festival Hall in Melbourne, imagine it packed out, every person with a phone or lighter in their hand, singing along to this:

Simply beautiful.
They played a couple of songs I didn't know and a lot I did :D. Hero of War and Satellite are two new ones I've picked up and adored.
The night following the concert was Camelgirl's birthday party! I had to wear a suit and the long hair just didn't work with it. Ah well. A better party than I was expecting, got home around 12 I think. Or was it 1. Something like that. Anyway, Wombat slept over, which was cool.

School was annoying this week, but I gave a cool oral presentation in Literature so I'm happy with that. I don't think it gets marked though unfortunately. Thursday was Wombat's birthday, so he slept over again. Then Friday (yesterday) was Wombat's birthday party, hosted at my house. I made a mud cake, which was delicious, and his sister made a choc ripple cake, which was also delicious (but not as good as mine of course). We mostly played videogames and ate crap food. Pizza for dinner, then at 1030 we went to another party and stayed there til...2. That party was okay, but not really my kinda thing. Still, I enjoyed myself well enough, and Wombat, Sponge, Unkle and Rug stayed over. I'm really bad at the whole nickname thing aren't I?

So today I woke up after <4 hours sleep and had pizza and mud cake for breakfast. I messed around on the computer, said goodbye to the boys and had Weet-Bix for lunch. Then I had a nap before heading off to basketball on about 4 and a half hours sleep. Lost basketball, came home shower blardy blah.

Hmmm.
Ah.

The above graffiti is (or was, I think it's at least partially covered up now) decorating a wall in this beloved city. I spotted it one day and resolved to take a photo of it but never did. I realised today that most likely someone else did get a snapshot of it. A quick search on google images and voila! Hope you like it.

Well I guess I better head off. Things to do ey wot.

P.S. I still have to do Lilah's tag. Must not forget that :)

Are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

So..
This is called, unsurprisingly, "I Miss". I have a Philosophy SAC tomorrow. School is a bitch sometimes. But hey, holidays in two days :)


I miss thinking love was real.
I miss thinking kisses in the rain were the sexiest things in the world.
I miss the years when 10 o' clock was staying up late and 7 30 was getting up early.
I miss extinguishing candles with my fingers.
I miss sneaking peeks of the girl I liked in the middle of class.
I miss when "just friends" was more than enough.
I miss when chocolate was a guilty pleasure.
I miss going for days without my parents fighting.
I miss being able to talk to my mum without arguing.
I miss being able to see both sides of an argument.
I miss when my brother was the coolest guy I knew.
I miss feeling grown up because I had homework to do.
I miss when the marks didn't matter.
I miss believing that it wasn't whether I won or lost, but only how I played the game.
I miss feeling invincible.
I miss thinking I was smart.
I miss not having to choose between friends.
I miss those years where going over to someone's house was a big event.
I miss being able to bury my head in a book and ignore the world around me, not caring what people thought of me.
I miss being happy about being different instead of worried.
I miss when I didn't care about fitting in, and my mother was my best friend.
I miss standing up for what I thought was right.
I miss caring about my own life.
I miss being sure of my future career.
I miss being afraid of the monsters under the bed and not having any inside me
I miss nighttime being another world, rather than my natural habitat.
I miss wanting to go to sleep, first because I could sleep all I want instead of getting up early, then because sleep was fun rather than a bore, then because I wanted tomorrow to come quicker rather than never at all and finally because I wanted to dream of someone special, not dream of times long past.

I hope that made sense. May I suggest you try it yourself? I had 27 things I've missed, do at least 17. Now for Philosophy. Toodles.

Trainspotting

So..
Isn't this nice? Exams are over and all but one of my assignments are in. In theory, and probably more likely than I think, I can still fail this semester. For now though, It's 130 in the morning and I don't want to think about anything. Thinking is so tiring sometimes. It feels like I get so little real enjoyment out of life these days. I should have gone out tonight, but I stayed home and played games. Now that exams are over I feel like I'm allowed to play games now. I'm not really. When I go through something as tense and stressful as exams, after its over I lose all the tension and fear and I don't do anything. Which would be perfectly fine if I didnt have maths and philosophy tests this week. Let me not think on't.

I wonder about my writing a lot while I type. When I write like this, its kinda like I'm talking to someone. I think I overuse commas and in essays that probably breaks flow or something. I dont actually care, it just worries me. I getting really good at touch typing now (I say as I furiously backspace misspelt words) which is cool. Hmmm.

So yeah, games games games. And its annoying, because now I have all the time I want to play, I don't want to. I've started Duke Nukem Forever - biggest waste of 130 bucks I ever spent - and now I'm stuck at a point in the Black Ops singleplayer, bored with its multiplayer because I suck at it (remind me never to play shooters on consoles) and bored with COD4 as well. I downloaded TF2 now that it's free, but I haven't even launched it yet. What else? Basically I've got a shitload of games and I don't want to play any of them.

When I'm bored I'll often come up with stuff to put up here, and now that I've got a snazzy new phone I can write them down whenever I've got a moment. Here's one I wrote a while back, been meaning to put up:

Maybe it's a little different, wherever you may live, but all the train stations in my city have a yellow line painted near the edge of the platform. The idea, of course, is that you don't cross the yellow line unless you're actually getting in the train. Its a good little rule for mothers to tell their children, but me being me, I don't listen. My favourite thing to do is step past the line as the train gets close to me. The driver looks apprehensive, and then the train rushes past in a torrent of wind and metal. There's this terrifying rush of adrenaline and fear, the knowledge that if I move but a metre forward I will die. The wind makes my eyes water and its almost an effort of will to not jump back, away from this howling monster machine. When you take the train as often as I do, you forget its a hunk of metal going 40 kilometers an hour and you forget how powerless you are against it. Its important to remember that even if we create something, doesn't mean we conntrol it, or are better than it.

I typed all that up during - you guessed it - the train ride home on a program called Evernote. I admit I just copied and pasted from my Evernote account on the computer - its too damn late to type it up.

So yeah, that's all I got to say for my self. I'm now going to go to bed. Or not. With me I can never tell.
Night!

I wonder if I'll be okay in the end.

So..
I wrote something in my phone, tapping away at the touch screen on a failed trip to my mind. I need to do some homework now I always need to and I know I shouldn't be writing this - I know what I should be doing, so writing something that isn't my Lit essay, or my three English essays feels like giving up. So now I'm hoping praying pleading Joker listen to yourself don't ignore my screams that what I'm writing here will be a trigger for more writing.

So this is what I wrote. I believed it at the time. I haven't changed a word.


Sea of Humanity
I'm tumbling down through a sea of humanity. The realization that nothing actually matters is final and freeing. If nothing matters, then no one matters either. Fairness becomes irrelevant, manners pointless, kindness verges on debilitating. If rudeness is easier than no reason remain to not be rude. If I want something, taking it is only logical. Hatred and jealousy become tools rather than weaknesses and faults. My life becomes my own to do with it what I will. Questions of sanity, reason, etc. are unimportant. Lost in a sea of humanity, humanity itself is increasingly unimportant. 'Common values' drift away, useless in a world bereft of meaning. Bits of me peel off, taken by this reeking bilge water of people. why should I care if I am considered inhuman? Even if I still cared for the opinion of others, I do not wish to be a part of this curse on the earth. Emotions only delay my departure, some remaining desire for companionship only slows my desperate fall. Far better to be alone away from the insane mass of hate, passion, love, indifference, that is society. Any desire I had to be a part of this is long gone. Let [me] be free, or let me die.


No one can control me. By their own misguided laws they cannot touch me. They can take away things from me and I certainly have plenty to lose, but there is nothing to threaten me with, nothing I care for enough to worry about losing. And when they take everything they can and still cannot control me, then I have won.


That's it. If you read it (which I doubt - it's not worth it) then you can see it's bad. Its not clever, or informative or anything important. Just the whining of a spoiled brat not getting what he wants. I do that a lot.


It was my birthday two days ago. I've stopped caring about giving bits of my self away. So you know when my birthday is. Good for you. I'm not stupid enough to allow any of my passwords to have anything to do with anything as basic as my birthday. It's just a date anyway. Birthdays aren't that significant I think. I certainly don't put much by mine. I'm seventeen. I've felt seventeen for a while now.

I can't think of any of the fascinating, interesting things I was going to say. I think I'm trying to reach out, find something that means something. Or someone, more likely. I'm not heartless, I'm not empty, I'm not a monster. I'm just taking a while to get over my broken heart. Pathetic.

Clock:

I hope I can make it through to the holidays.

Hime:

Do you know who you are? I doubt it. I'm getting tired of having to care about you.

Droid:

You don't seem to understand how I feel about you.

Meth:

I hope you die alone.

Wombat and Sponge:

You guys deserve a better friend than I.

Soulless:

It's funny how the simplest line can start something.

You:

Why?

Everyone else, I can't be bothered thinking of something to say.

My new theory (I have a few) is that the idea that we're all going to die because of global warming is one I've grown up with. That the apocalypse is now, and why bother doing anything long term if we're all going to hell in our lifetimes. Is that why I don't care?

 It kills me not to know this,

But I've all but just forgotten,

What the colour of her eyes were,

And her scars or how she got them.

-Savior by Rise Against

I can still remember the words and what they meant

-Audience of One by Rise Against

Do you remember? You stupid bitch you said you cried at what I said. Now we're far apart and aren't you fucking happy.

We're OK!

Until the day we're not.

150 times I've opened my heart and bled onto the screen.

So..
I kept trying to to make a really good 150th post to commemorate it, but if I just keep waiting the pressure will keep piling up and I'll never do one I'll think is good enough. Instead, here's a post to commemorate my 150th post. As I write this I think that it'd be a good idea to talk about what's happened in 150 posts. *opens blog in new tab*

I started this blog a year and a half ago for the simple reason that the girl I liked told me to. I'm a simple guy at heart :).
This blog has seen, and seen me through, so many things. Commence Download has watched my love for music and metal grow, my first girlfriend come and go, it's seen me make friends and lose them, fall in love and out again. It's seen my discovery of We Heart It and blogging (obviously). It's been here while I played Minecraft and COD and it's still been here when I stopped. It's seen me excel and fail, worry and relax. I've regretted things written here and I've been proud of them too. I've hated myself here, and loved everything as well. What it shows is not me, in truth, but a version of me. A me I would hope to be, a me that the world can see and judge. It doesn't hold my every thought, secret or creation. It holds things I wouldn't tell people normally. Here (and in the internet in general) I create my own identity, based on the merits of what I say and do online, rather than how I look, or talk, or act. This blog isn't perfect, and I probably end up telling half-truths to make myself look better. This blog, in the end, is the evolution of a year and a half of... me. I don't know how to put it better than that.
Hope you like this blog, but if you don't, it doesn't matter.

What I'm waiting for

So..

1. Portal 2, out in 5 days
2. Duke Nukem Forever, out June 10
3. Batman Arkham City, out October 19th
4. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, out May 20
5. Running on Air by Bliss n Eso
6. The Sickness 10th Anniversary Edition by Disturbed
7. Slipknot 10th Anniversary Edition by Slipknot
8. A Thousand Suns by Linkin Park
9. Screaming Bloody Murder by Sum 41
10. The chance to read the entire Sandman series
11. Inheritance, the last book in the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini
12. A change for the better
13. Something that makes me whole
14. Someone new
15. Something worth living for
16. Something worth dying for
17. Something worth waiting for
    

Things I am grateful for.

So..
School tomorrow! I admit I'm a little excited. Year 11 and all. VCE scares me man.

It hurts, but I have to say it. E has got a new boyfriend. I did freak a little, but you know what? I can move on now. Find a girl who I can see more than once every two months. Things are going to be awkward for a while but I'm gonna be fine. And I guess I was being pretty stupid staying fixated on her after we broke up.

Still, I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of things I am grateful for. Reasons to keep going and little things I usually take for granted. Things to look forward to.

• Icecream
• Chocolate
• Zero Punctuation
• Extra Credits
• Portal 2
• My brother
• Wombat, Rake, Psyduck, Guile, Daggy and all my other guy friends
• Pizza
• Basketball
• Coding
• Short shorts
• Dresses
• Cargo pants
• Metal
• Music in general
• Books
• Cool english lessons
• Youtube
• Blogger :D
• Naruto, One Piece and other manga
• Love stories - For some reason High Fidelity comes to mind
• My awesome wallet which i need to take a picture of
• John Green novels
• T-shirts
• Sunlight
• Rain
• Sleep
• Dreams
• The moon
• Photography
• Watermelons
• Apples
• Sleepovers
• Movies, Pirates Of The Carribean in particular
• Richard Morgan novels
• Concerts
• Bike rides
• Trains
• Girls with amazing eyes
• Swear words
• Late nights
• Computer games
• TV shows like I've been talking about recently
• Changes for the better
• Love

Obviously not a complete list :D but it'll do for now. Maybe I'll add to it later.
New music is:

Chess With The Abyss by Dimmu Borgir

With Arms Wide Open by Creed

God Is For The Dead by Ill Nino

Now I'm gonna go check that I'm ready for school tomorrow and go to bed. It's gonna be a real bitch getting to sleep :(

And we were lovers, now we can't be friends, fascination ends.

So..
Helllooooo! I'm back biatch!! In a ridiculously good mood, you'll see why. I've just been camping (again) for a few days. Oh shit dad's angry at something one sec. Back. S'all good. So where was I. Right. We were camping for...three days I think? Anyway, in that time I managed to completely fuck up the dregs of my relationship with E. Suffice to say, we won't be friends much longer. Texting is evil and I am stupid. Soooo there'll probably be not a few depressed/pissed/manic posts before I find someone new to obsess over. I was down and listless (great word 'listless') from.. say about Wednesday to midday yesterday, then suicidal between then and about 2ish today. Then, however we started driving home and I went with my brother (he's 30 and obviously can drive). We had a heap of fun, sitting listening to music with the windows down, singing along to some of it. We both like Rihanna, so that was fun when she came on the radio. It's hard to be depressed with such a perfect drive. I can feel myself getting lower now though :(.

When we got home I helped empty out the cars and then went on teh internets. Thank you, Hime, for cheering me up. How you did it is my little secret so shhhhh.

So now..what? I'll be sitting around catching up on manga and things I've been missing, then I'll go watch How I Met Your Mother. Neil Patrick Harris is a god.

Some new music for my fine followers,

Guns in the Sky by INXS
Got Some by Pearl Jam
Every Me, Every You by Placebo though I'm gonna check out some of their other stuff.
Not In Love by Crystal Castles. Probably not good for me to listen to right now?:/ but a good song.
Sleepwalker by Parkway Drive. I've never got into much of their kind of music, but I wish i could.

So, no doubt I'll be posting soon, 'til then - Au revoir.

Couldn't escape from you, couldn't be free of you.

So..
Somewhere out there is a girl with the most amazing eyes. Who wakes me up at 6 to watch the sun rise and wakes me up at 2 because she can't sleep. Who isn't uncomfortable with her body and loves going to the beach to make sandcastles. There's gotta be a girl who'll think I'm funny and kinda sexy and gets jealous when I talk to to other girls. Who loves sleepovers and always knows what to say. There's a girl for me who'll drag me off the computer because she wants some attention and who turns up at my door without any notice to surprise me. Who drags me off shopping and asks which dress she should get. Who's comfortable around by friends and loves rock music with a passion. There's a girl who's everything I've ever wanted and I'm her everything. But maybe I don't want her. Maybe I want you.

New music:

Wisemen and Stay The Night by James Blunt.


I can't help believing in love. I grew up reading stories of love, action, adventure, princes and princesses. But at school I was the smart one. I believed in love, but I kept mistaking other things for it. And I can be so coldly logical. If I could have one thing, it would be someone perfectly imperfect to love me. I don't understand myself. Put simply, this is me:

I love music of all kinds, as long as I think the singer means what they say. Or it sounds cool.

I'm fiercely jealous. I can't stand the fact that other people are allowed to see my crushes. Sometimes all I can think about is other guys being better than me and hating everything.

I have long hair that everyone says I should cut, except the one person who matters.

I suspect everything anyone does. I wonder if every invitation or comment is a set-up to humiliate me. I guess that means I'm afraid of embarrassment. Some kind of complex I guess.

I hate my glasses and contacts, because I can't help thinking I'll be blind by the time I'm 65.

I want to live forever, but sometimes I just want to die.

I'm too emotional. That's it. I feel too much. As she once told me, I wish I couldn't feel. No more jealousy, anger, hate, love, not having to do anything I didn't want to. Focusing on school, emotionless.

I read a story once I identified with. It was about a girl who had gone missing, and her family thought she was dead. Her mother I think, described her as all about extremes. Really high highs and really low lows. I hate talking about how i see myself, in case I'm just the same as other people. I want to be different, individual, interesting.

I'm boring. I can't talk about nothing, so I can't really hold a conversation.

I always want to express my feelings, because I want to see them returned. They never are. But I keep trying, losing friendships on the way.

I'm selfish. I never do anything I don't want to.

I love my mind and I don't hate my body anymore. I just wish I was less impulsive. That I thought more before I opened my mouth and I thought less when I was alone.


I don't know how many times I've resolved to never speak of how I feel. I always have.

I just want high school to be over. I just want my life to be over. Sometimes I'm fine.

When I'm fine:
When I don't have a crush
When I've just seen my crush and before I start thinking about everything I did wrong.
When I'm with my crush and I haven't said anything stupid yet.

When I'm about to see my crush and I haven't thought about all the things that could go wrong.
When I'm in a relationship and I haven't started thinking about everything that's wrong.

Oh fucking hell. I LOVE YOU. I'm stuck. My feelings won't be returned. NEVER. I can't stop hoping though.

My emotional side always beats my logical side, though my logical side is only trying to save me from my emotions. I just want to be left alone.

I've never had my first kiss. It pissed me off that I haven't and it pisses me off that I care I haven't.

I want my life to be a love story. I want to find someone and have my happy ending and forget that there is no such thing as a happy ending.

I wish I would cry.

Oh, and I tag Aoife for the Cassie tag.

Now I think I'm gonna go watch The Lion King. Or maybe just TV. I'm feeling better already.

"Let me tell you where I'm at. I want to have sex with a woman so I can take these overalls off."

So..
I said last night (actually this morning - just) that I would be doing the Cassie tag and in my opinion the best ones have pictures. I've done it five times before, the last one being way back in August. So here it is:

Abracadabra, Wow!
I like boys with long hair and girls with amazing eyes.
I like going out and doing stuff.
I like being able to have a normal conversation.

I like the way your skin felt against the back of my hand

I like sleepovers where we don't sleep.
I like doing things for New Year's eve.

I like how comfortable you seem around me.
I like loud music and distorted guitars.
I like seeing guys in love.

I like how shy you are about singing

I like finding a really good book to read.
I like it when people who can still look sexy without wearing tight or revealing clothes.
I love romantics
Today I got eight hours sleep for the second time in about two weeks.

In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate how jealous I can be at the drop of a hat. it tears me apart.

I hate how I can't keep my stupid mouth shut.
I hate how my stupid earring still refuses to heal.
I hate that when I'm down I focus on all the reasons you couldn't possibly love me back. 

 I hate how insecure I am sometimes.

I hate how blogger messes up the bold and italic settings so much.
I hate that I'm still in love with with my ex-girlfriend but in a way, I know I don't really hate it.

I hate how far away you live.

I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

 

I found out what the best feeling in the world is, but I think I already knew the worst a long time ago.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

So..

Hello my followers! Mein Gott I haven't posted in over three weeks! I've been busy. And it feels good. I hate when i sit around for days on end, it makes me feel...useless.

So what have I been up to? I went to a friend's house on the 19th (i think) and stayed for 6 days, coming home on Christmas Eve. We had two all-nighters (there is nothing quite like playing pool at three in the morning) and went to bed past 12 two of the other three nights. We did stuff on the internets and talked and played video games. The usual. Our second all nighter was my last night at his place and we were at highpoint the whole time. Bought my Christmas presents around 4 because I'm that amazing. Then I got a lift home and immediately went out again (still hadn't slept) to get my dad's present, then stayed up til past 12 anyway.

Christmas was okay, hope yours was better. We had a family dinner with my mum's relatives, so pretty dull but I survived. Boxing Day saw me off camping with my brother and dad. I don't enjoy camping too much, but I survived it. My friend I'd had a sleep over with (his name's Alex) came up too so it weren't too bad. Not much to do except play on my laptop and his iPhone. We're two boring guys what can I say?

My brother drove home the third day (29th i think) and me and Alex caught the bus back home on New Years Eve. I arrived home at 1115 and again left immediately to go bowling with some old friends. After the bowling (i came third of four) we went to one guys house and hung around before the three of us left left him there and went to the next house and stayed awhile. Then it was train to Wombats house so he could change and then we all met up and went to a New Year's Eve party hosted by the lovely Camelgirl and Cat. Very fun party, lots of loud music, not too many people, I had fun. Counted down to midnight then got a lift home with Wombat around 2. New Years Day (Holy cow yesterday) I got up at 8 (after less than five hours sleep) and went to E's house (Yes we're still friends, No we're not going to get back together as far as I know, Yes it's a terrible codename). We watched some episodes of Dexter, wandered around, and then stayed up til 3 30 watching The Amityville Horror. Fun movie.

Got home around 430 today and caught up on my internets (I'd barely gotten the chance to do some manga-reading with all this rushing around) then watched Big Bang, How I Met Your Mother and a recording of the Doctor Who Christmas special I missed. And now I have a cold. It's not surprising really, a string of late/all nighters, not eating very well right now and it was freezing last night. All in all, I'm feeling pretty darn pleased with myself. Going back to camp on Tuesday or Wednesday with my brother to help my dad pack it all up (did you notice that we left him there?) and then I'll still have three weeks of the holidays left over. Blimey. I'll have to start working on my holiday homework though, trying to get serious about school work this year (Year 11 woot!)

That's not all of it. I read the original Frankenstein because we're doing it for Lit this year and it was pretty bad. I tried reading some other ones but it's all pretty bad actually :P. I have been reading Raymond E. Feist's Midkemia books, as some of you know. Very good and about 3/4 of the way through. I'm also looking at reading some Richard Morgan books. Richard Morgan is a very good sci-fi writer, though they're very detailed and of a darker bent. Very hard to get into, but amazing. If you're interested, check out Altered Carbon by him, I borrowed it from school about 6 months ago and I'm mostly reading the sequels.

What else? Music. New songs are:

Deeper Water by Paul Kelly, I am going to learn it on guitar.

How To Make Gravy by Paul Kelly.

Black Dog by Led Zep.

Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya and I'm Shipping Up To Boston by the Dropkick Murphys. Bloody good fun to sing and the lyrics are pretty easy to remember.

Purity by Slipknot, it's live version particularly.

Prelude 12/21 by AFI.

Sunrise, Sunset by Bright Eyes.

Disappear by Motion City Soundtrack.

It's Not the End of the World, But I Can See It from Here by Lostprophets.

Ov Fire and the Void by Behemoth. Great guitar intro I reckon.

I'm not sure what to think of Teenage Crime by Adrian something. I like it though.

I've left out something else; what I got for Christmas! A cool bracelet thingy and a wallet with a chain from my mum (pics tomorrow), a check for 100 dollars, a cool shirt from my bro and a towel :D. I got my dad some golf balls, my mum two bracelets, my brother a rubber band ball and 'naughty' marker thingies from typo and my cousin a mug. I'm going to spent the money on CD's. Most of it anyway.

Written while camping:

 I dreamed last night that you were a princess and because I was a commoner your father (who looked like my Lit teacher) wouldn't let us be together. When I woke up I realised that while such medieval practices are no longer in place, in real life I made you the princess and myself the commoner and decided that we didn't work together because you're so amazing and I'm so dull.

The profoundness was kinda lost when you turned into an animation and I became part of a picture book, though now I think about it, that kinda fits in. Regardless, by the time I woke up a rabbit was teaching a dog and cat about the finer points of love, sex and marriage, including an amusing anecdote about the "Dewey's" a pair of lovestruck rabbits who both passed out after they had sex the first time.

Written on the way to bowling:

I realised today that some people actually don't know what it's like to be in love. Furthermore, most people my age don't know the feeling, It made me think that maybe I'm getting it wrong somehow.

Holy crud it's midnight. I'm just gonna dump these pictures here. They mean things to me. Goodnight. Here's hoping my cold will be gone in the morning. Also, I'm going to do a the Cassie tag tomorrow, I haven't in ages and I really want to. :D