Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Couldn't escape from you, couldn't be free of you.

Somewhere out there is a girl with the most amazing eyes. Who wakes me up at 6 to watch the sun rise and wakes me up at 2 because she can't sleep. Who isn't uncomfortable with her body and loves going to the beach to make sandcastles. There's gotta be a girl who'll think I'm funny and kinda sexy and gets jealous when I talk to to other girls. Who loves sleepovers and always knows what to say. There's a girl for me who'll drag me off the computer because she wants some attention and who turns up at my door without any notice to surprise me. Who drags me off shopping and asks which dress she should get. Who's comfortable around by friends and loves rock music with a passion. There's a girl who's everything I've ever wanted and I'm her everything. But maybe I don't want her. Maybe I want you.

New music:

Wisemen and Stay The Night by James Blunt.

I can't help believing in love. I grew up reading stories of love, action, adventure, princes and princesses. But at school I was the smart one. I believed in love, but I kept mistaking other things for it. And I can be so coldly logical. If I could have one thing, it would be someone perfectly imperfect to love me. I don't understand myself. Put simply, this is me:

I love music of all kinds, as long as I think the singer means what they say. Or it sounds cool.

I'm fiercely jealous. I can't stand the fact that other people are allowed to see my crushes. Sometimes all I can think about is other guys being better than me and hating everything.

I have long hair that everyone says I should cut, except the one person who matters.

I suspect everything anyone does. I wonder if every invitation or comment is a set-up to humiliate me. I guess that means I'm afraid of embarrassment. Some kind of complex I guess.

I hate my glasses and contacts, because I can't help thinking I'll be blind by the time I'm 65.

I want to live forever, but sometimes I just want to die.

I'm too emotional. That's it. I feel too much. As she once told me, I wish I couldn't feel. No more jealousy, anger, hate, love, not having to do anything I didn't want to. Focusing on school, emotionless.

I read a story once I identified with. It was about a girl who had gone missing, and her family thought she was dead. Her mother I think, described her as all about extremes. Really high highs and really low lows. I hate talking about how i see myself, in case I'm just the same as other people. I want to be different, individual, interesting.

I'm boring. I can't talk about nothing, so I can't really hold a conversation.

I always want to express my feelings, because I want to see them returned. They never are. But I keep trying, losing friendships on the way.

I'm selfish. I never do anything I don't want to.

I love my mind and I don't hate my body anymore. I just wish I was less impulsive. That I thought more before I opened my mouth and I thought less when I was alone.

I don't know how many times I've resolved to never speak of how I feel. I always have.

I just want high school to be over. I just want my life to be over. Sometimes I'm fine.

When I'm fine:
When I don't have a crush
When I've just seen my crush and before I start thinking about everything I did wrong.
When I'm with my crush and I haven't said anything stupid yet.

When I'm about to see my crush and I haven't thought about all the things that could go wrong.
When I'm in a relationship and I haven't started thinking about everything that's wrong.

Oh fucking hell. I LOVE YOU. I'm stuck. My feelings won't be returned. NEVER. I can't stop hoping though.

My emotional side always beats my logical side, though my logical side is only trying to save me from my emotions. I just want to be left alone.

I've never had my first kiss. It pissed me off that I haven't and it pisses me off that I care I haven't.

I want my life to be a love story. I want to find someone and have my happy ending and forget that there is no such thing as a happy ending.

I wish I would cry.

Oh, and I tag Aoife for the Cassie tag.

Now I think I'm gonna go watch The Lion King. Or maybe just TV. I'm feeling better already.


Camelgirl said...

Beautiful post, sometimes I'm surprised by how little I know.


P.s. I am Me. said...

Ahh I miss reading your blog, its been so long since I was on Blogger you see :)
I'm too emotional also, and I too get fiercely jealous. I just can't help it.
When I like someone I think too much. I spend too much time regretting things I did or said, and things I didn't. I seem to regret a lot of things I do and say, maybe its just in my nature?
Anyway, I'm glad I came back, I realised how much I missed the blogs that I used to read every day, blog like yours :)

Aoife. said...

I think that I've said this before; but I would give an arm and a leg to be able to write like you do.
And thank you so much for the tag..I'll do it this evening, I think.