Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I thought I would be able to go to sleep listening to the rain, but then I realised the "rain" noise was my computer

I don't have a bad life. I live in a good house, I have good friends. I don't have to work if I don't want to, I have access to more food than I need. If I'm cold I have a heater and warm clothes. If I'm hot I can put the cooler on, or go outside and relax in the sun. I can go to the pool, the library, the shops, the bowling alley. I'm not restricted or trapped. I have the power to make changes in my own life. I have a bed to sleep in, a roof over my head, music and games and movies. I have technology, and the world at my fingertips. I am happy, and when I'm not I will be soon enough. I've never starved, or been afraid to fall asleep, or begged for money, food, shelter. I have the luxury of not getting what I want because I have all I need. I could pick any goal to work towards, and have a decent chance of getting there. And like everyone in my position, I want more.

I haven't met someone new I considered beautiful for a long time. I'd like to I suppose. I miss the excitement, the heady joy of being in love and the amazing possibility of being loved back. I miss that. Sometimes (often) I think of the times when I was in love, and loved. But I've burned those bridges and need some more to cross. Ah fuck. I didn't want to do a post like this. I hate myself.

I just wanted to let you know I bought Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends by Coldplay today for ten dollars. It reminded me of the song Violet Hill, which is on it. I can't remember who I used to think about when I sang that song. I don't know who to think about now.

If I could have the names tattooed on my skin
of all the people 
I have ever loved,

whether fiercely or simply
because of a single glance
exchanged across a crowd,
or the brush of fingertips
accidentally exchanged
across a table.
Then maybe when I die
they will look at my body
and say he loved many,
and if the reasons I loved them,
were there as well,
then my entire body
shall be covered with ink -
evidence of love
and being loved,
proof of a life
lived in love
shall be written
all over my skin.

-P.S. I am Me


Monday, April 23, 2012

Psalm 69:20

I thought I should post again, plus I found a great quote I wanted to share. Life's pretty ordinary at the moment. I finished school early and I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to do anything in particular once I got here. So I read a bit, and finished watching The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. Which was nice enough. I've got a day off on Wednesday, which I'm looking forward to for some reason.
I don't like this new Blogger layout. It shows my view counts, which I always wanted to see, but I know they'll depress me later. Right now I'm just.. content, calm, quiet.
Been listening to Johnny Cash a bit. He's got an amazing voice, I could listen to it all day.

What else. My fingernails are ragged and torn from biting. It's an ugly habit, but I've never really minded. Wombat had to go to hospital cause of stomach pains and I was a bit scared. But he's fine now, so that's good.

Well that's enough I think. I've posted a lot this month, comparatively. Seeya.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

So "Victory Song" by Ensiferum isn't exactly the most apt song to be listening to but...

 Been a long time since I put some music up on here. I made a Youtube playlist of Folk Metal songs I like, because downloading is annoying and I my computer was reset and so I don't have stuff. Anyway.

Swords in their hands,
They killed each and every man,
Who dared to invade their sacred land.
Victory songs are rising in the night
Tell all of their undying strength and might.

So school's back tomorrow. Still can't bring myself to care too much, as always. I just don't want to go is all. I'll get through this I guess.

I still miss you sometimes. And for that I apologise.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

You forgot one very important thing mate.

Still don't like my last post. It was baaaad. Can't do anything about it now though.
So I'm going to go to bed and hope that in the morning everything won't seem as shit as it does right now. Oh, don't worry, I'm not sad or depressed. I just don't like being up this late reading sad truths and looking at amazing pictures that make me sad. But I'm not sad in and of myself.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I want you to hit me, as hard as you can.

Yeah.. I kinda flipped last post. I was in a bad mood and I got angry. Sorry if anyone was offended. Which I doubt, but you never know.

I just spent ten minutes reading some old posts - again. God I sound so interesting don't I? Mysterious little boy with not so much honeyed words as unmindful honesty and lies. Not so much lies as misdirections... anyway.

I often compose blog posts in my head when I'm going somewhere and I don't have anything to focus on. It helps to organise myself I guess. So I walked  back from Wombat's house and thought about my day and what tomorrow would bring and how I felt. I saw the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie today with Wombat and CG and Nova. It was enjoyable enough. I wonder whether I was a good enough host, considering I didn't do much.
It's holidays, by the way, but only for another week. I have four SACs when I get back, so I need to get some revision done. And I'm tired now, so I'll go to bed after this.

Due to the unfortunate fact that I do not have complete control over my own thought processes, I have been forced to think about things I'd rather not. So. I do not have a crush on anyone. I don't. Don't don't don't. Don't. I can't be bothered and don't have the time for a girlfriend. So I'm not going to think about anything except school if I can help it. I won't think about how I'm not going to social, or formal, or schoolies. I'm not going to think about how many movies I want to see and all the books I want to read. I'm not going to think about anything except how important school is and how I'm going to focus on it. I'm most certainly not going to think about my dreams. 
Why am I even saying this. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit. I really don't like this post.

I'm tired. I had an annoying dream. I've been playing Skyrim and COD6 and my laptop got fixed. Got some homework to do. That is all.

Godammit I hate my asshole writing.

Feel free to avoid commenting.

Hey look, a completely unrelated picture!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

What's on your mind?

I' so fucking sick of this shit.
I'm sick of pretending I'm not a normal teenager, I'm sick of pretending I'm a normal teenager. I sick of not being good enough. I'm sick of trying and I'm sick of not trying. I'm sick of loneliness and I'm sick of people. I'm sick of school and I'm sick of sitting at home. I'm sick of forcing myself not to bitch. I'm sick of liars. I'm sick of the internet and the books I read and the food I eat. What am I meant to say? What am I meant to do? I'm sick of asking questions with no replies. I'm sick of pretty girls with other boys on their minds. I'm sick of parents and teachers. I'm sick of homework and responsibility. I'm sick of life. I'm sick of load music that doesn't mean anything and soft music that means too much. I'm sick of stories and I'm sick of the truth. I'm sick of flipping out over small stuff and I'm sick of not giving a shit about important stuff. I'm sick of sleep and I'm sick of being awake. I'm sick of thinking about people that I shouldn't and I'm sick of not thinking about those I should.

EDIT: I'm sorry I just have to say this. I am at the moment reading a series of very amazing books (The Sandman by Neil Gaiman) and I just started on the introduction to the 9th in the series. Each of the books has an introduction which I skip if it looks like there's going to be spoilers for the story. I have never read these books before. In the introduction for the one I just started, the buttfucking retarded piece of shit loser dumbassed sack of flies-eyed rotten leprotic necrotic lunatic nutcase fuckwit introduction-writer spoils the ending without ANY warning. I CAN'T MOTHERFUCKING READ THIS BOOK NOW BECAUSE THIS FUCKING SHIT CUNT HAS TOLD ME WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.WHAT IS THE POINT OF WRITING AN ENTIRE STORY BUILDING UP TO A MASSIVE CLIMATIC MOMENT OF THE PAST EIGHT BOOKS IF SOME FUCKING DIPSHIT IS JUST GOING TO TELL THE READER THE ENDING ON THE SECOND MOTHERFUCKING PAGE?!WHO THE HELL LET THIS IDIOTIC BRAIN-DEAD "WRITER" WRITE THE INTRODUCTION?!