Live not just survive.

So..
This is just a small update post, sorry I haven't in a while. I had an okay Christmas and New Years. I think I say this every year (I'm not going to check for once) but New Year's is never amazing for me and I think it's because I keep thinking something extraordinary is going to happen and it never does. I can't help but give in to the public hype, despite my own cynical attitude to the whole celebration. I spent it with friends so I guess it was a good one. New Year's day I headed to Queensland for a week and stayed with some of my Dad's friends. I got pretty bored at times there, but I filled my days for the most part. After I came back to Melbourne, I've just been trying to get a job (in the most roundabout way possible). I've gone to Sponge's a few times, saw Full Metal Jacket (good movie) and The Road to El Dorado (cause why not). Other than that I've just been hanging out at home thinking about all the games I could play (my poor Steam account has barely been touched) books I could be reading (I miss my school library) and movies/tv shows I could be watching (I miss Hime). Right now I'm writing this post with Wombat and Sponge sleeping over, which is nice I guess.

I've been staying up, having too many all-nighters. I hate doing it, because I feel like I wasted the whole of the next day sleeping. With that in mind, I'll probably go to bed soon. If I can find somewhere to sleep...
So now I'm just surfing the net, thinking about yellow roses and how I really need to read One The Road, some Vonnegut and Nietzsche. Consider this a reminder.

Well, Goodnight.

Take its broken waist in your hand.

So..
Gather round people
I'll tell you a story
A ten year long story
Of power and pride....

Not really. I have been neglecting CD recently, which you might have noticed (and let's face it, you haven't) means that I've been keeping busy and not dwelling on depressing things to write up here. But I have to write this one, or I'll be breaking a promise and we can't have that can we?

So yeah, been busy. More on that another time. But I'm kind of annoyed at the moment. School's out forever, and I somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I always assumed that after high school you somehow magically grew up, that relationships became "mature" overnight somehow. But I haven't changed a bit, as usual. And I know that now I'll meet many new people, form new friendships as well as maintain old ones. But I don't want to meet new people or make new friends. And I can't be bothered working to maintain contact with the 15 or so people I care about.

I just want my conversations in the classroom and the library back, my old childish romanticism and my stressful school life back. Buuuut I can't. I never wanted to grow up, but I've said that a million times.

So uh, what else. Marriage is depressing (cf. Take This Waltz) and so is a lot of other things. I'm sick of feeling like its a crime to tell a girl she's beautiful and sick of feeling sad, lonely and cold. I'm sick of a lot of things. I guess nothing is wrong right now. But there's nothing in particular to look forward to either.

Get up, go do my course, convene with the extended family for Christmas. Organise doctors appointments. Go to Soundwave. Accept my first round offer and organise for uni. Go to uni. So on, so on. Nothing in my immediate future is exciting. I used to get really depressed over the pointlessness of my life, now I just try to accept it and find things to enjoy.

 So that's about it I think.

I want you to hit me, as hard as you can.

So..
Yeah.. I kinda flipped last post. I was in a bad mood and I got angry. Sorry if anyone was offended. Which I doubt, but you never know.

I just spent ten minutes reading some old posts - again. God I sound so interesting don't I? Mysterious little boy with not so much honeyed words as unmindful honesty and lies. Not so much lies as misdirections... anyway.

I often compose blog posts in my head when I'm going somewhere and I don't have anything to focus on. It helps to organise myself I guess. So I walked  back from Wombat's house and thought about my day and what tomorrow would bring and how I felt. I saw the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie today with Wombat and CG and Nova. It was enjoyable enough. I wonder whether I was a good enough host, considering I didn't do much.
It's holidays, by the way, but only for another week. I have four SACs when I get back, so I need to get some revision done. And I'm tired now, so I'll go to bed after this.

Due to the unfortunate fact that I do not have complete control over my own thought processes, I have been forced to think about things I'd rather not. So. I do not have a crush on anyone. I don't. Don't don't don't. Don't. I can't be bothered and don't have the time for a girlfriend. So I'm not going to think about anything except school if I can help it. I won't think about how I'm not going to social, or formal, or schoolies. I'm not going to think about how many movies I want to see and all the books I want to read. I'm not going to think about anything except how important school is and how I'm going to focus on it. I'm most certainly not going to think about my dreams. 
Why am I even saying this. Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit. I really don't like this post.


I'm tired. I had an annoying dream. I've been playing Skyrim and COD6 and my laptop got fixed. Got some homework to do. That is all.



Godammit I hate my asshole writing.


Feel free to avoid commenting.

Hey look, a completely unrelated picture!

Fucking Melanie Tozer.

So..
I always feel awkward about writing the F word down, or typing it. When I do, the letters seem to stand out more, jump from the screen and demand my eye. It's like its more real than the other words, like its actually there. So when I write it its like the words surrounding it can't match it, it doesn't fit. Like its too powerful a word to be written. But effing and f***ing usually aren't powerful enough, so there's no middle ground I can use.

It's been a while. Christmas, New Years. What was in my last post? Not much.

My Christmas was enjoyable enough. When you get past the age of about 15 (or at least when I did) there's no magic in Christmas anymore. It's just another day, with maybe a few extra relatives coming around for lunch. I didn't get any really good presents, but I got some good ones for other people I thought. It's a good feeling to know you've gotten someone a good present, something they'll actually use or enjoy. I realised you can probably get the same enjoyment from working, when you help make someone's life easier or happier.

I was in Queensland between Christmas and New Years Eve. It was nice, relaxing, a good change of pace.
New Years Eve at Sponge's was good enough. The few days after New Years were a bit of a blur, they all just kinda meld together as one big sleepover at his. A couple of years ago my New Years was out camping with my dad, counting down while we lay on the floor eating chocolate. I hated it so I'm determined to do something every year so I don't have to go through it again. Last years New Years was good, but....well I posted about it if you care that much. This year was just good enough.

So now its 2012. My last year of high school and the hardest. I'm faced with people from school saying that this year is too important to slack off and people from my old school who don't seem to think it matters that much.

I'm moving house in a few days into a rental with my dad, while my mum stays in the house. It's an amicable separation and I'm not that worried about it, so don't worry about me. I'm old enough to accept that my parents don't want to stay together.

Its a quarter to 2 right now and I got out of bed to write this. I know I shouldn't have, but I wouldn't have posted if I'd waited til morning. I have to be up by 8 to go get the key for the rental, but I'll be fine.

Christ I really shouldn't read my old posts. Some things are better left forgotten, at there are more tears than laughs on this blog. I'm sorry I haven't been on blogger lately, I've just been busy. I got Skyrim by the way, spend way too much time playing it. And a bunch of albums I ceebs listing.

I'm happy enough. The daylight is better than the night, it just seems to swallow me up and make my thoughts wander. There's a supposedly Greek legend that I'm sure I've put up on here before. It says that humans used to have two heads, four arms and four legs. However, humans became strong and arrogant and started to challenge the gods (or something) so the head god cut all the humans in half, forcing everyone to spend their lives searching for their missing half. It's a nice enough story, but a bit too convenient I think to actually be Greek or Egyptian or whatever it was.

I'm tired of talking, and as usual, I still have so much to say. This year is going to be challenging to say the least. And no, I don't have any New Years resolutions.

Holidays, tears and kisses

So..
It's the school holidays and you'd think I'd be pleased, but all I feel is loneliness and disappointment. My laptops screen is broken and while its being fixed I wont have it for 3-10 days. So I'm slowly typing this on my phone, in HTML format because my phone hates normal typing apparently. I'm so dependant on the internet for entertainment its terrible. So what was I going to talk about ...
I'm sitting on the bathroom table trying to clean my teeth and type - it's not working very well. I pulled put my 12 year old laptop hoping to watch some YouTube videos, but it doesn't have wireless. As I sat there it struck me that this little, inferior, bug riddled laptop has sat gathering dust on the corner of my room faithfully waiting to be turned on again and prove that it can still fulfill its purpose. I felt sad foe my loyal little laptop. Then I turned it off and put it away again. A little later I was lying on my bed trying to get YouTube on my phone when a memory popped into my head of that one perfect second and those few happy hours she spared me and I hated it for the happiness I'd lost and I just wanted someone to kiss me like that again, love me like that again. I must be a bad kisser.
of course this was all twenty minutes ago, and what seemed so flawlessly poetic it my head then now just feels ... I don't know. Sad maybe. Empty.
Im not even sure if this memory of her lips is real or if I've just re-imagined how they felt.

I miss being in love. I probably shouldn't, because so far love hasn't brought me happiness. Regardless, I miss that last thought before bed and the idle daydreams in class. I miss happiness being a smile away. I miss having a reason to get up in the morning. I miss having a name and face to give a lover when imagining the future.
Anyway. I'm tired. Here's hoping this HTML typed thing works and here's hoping I doing hate this in the morning.

#firstworldproblems

Shut up shut up.

So..
I can't believe I only posted once during the holidays. And it was... what it was. You can see it. But I'm past that, for now.

Of course I can't believe a few things right now. Like that I haven't done any homework in two weeks. That the holidays are over. I'm listening to Fight Club as I type. It's fascinating. I watched it again recently, on a whim. Then I listened to it on the train instead of music. I want to learn all the words. Like a song. Now that I want to learn the script off by heart, I immediately have a new appreciation for actors.
What else. Marla Singer has more right to be at testicular cancer. Watch Fight Club. Buy it. The book and the movie. Read it.
Or don't. What will I care.

I wrote this recently. I forget why.
Thank God for bad television, Ginger beer and emotion suppression.
I wish I could say thank God for cheap cigarettes and cheap drinks but I can't and won't. 


I want to feel this again:
Moskau
I put my headphones in my ears, clicked shuffle and then for a second i wasn't there. Raw power flooded my system and suddenly I wasn't cold, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't worried or alone. In that second all I was was me, perfectly, purely me! And it felt good.

Listen to Gateways by Dimmu Borgir.

Give yourself to the music.
I just feel like talking. Holidays felt good. Of course, they were too short. My computer keeps stuffing up. I'm getting up at 7 tomorrow. Can't believe it. Can't comprehend it, can't process it. Like when I heard that Saint Basil's Cathedral is 450 years old and I could understand how old that is, but the concept that the Coliseum is over 2 thousand years old is incomprehensible. How do you grasp something like that? I can't do it and I doubt you can. Not really. Beyond a certain point years become merely words.



Death was the only absolute value in my world. Lose life and one would lose nothing again forever. Death was far more certain than God, and with death there would no longer be the daily possibility of love dying. The nightmare of a future of boredom and indifference would lift. I could never have been a pacifist. To kill a man was surely to grant him an immeasurable benefit.

-Graham Green, The Quiet American

These fingerless gloves hide the backs of my hands, 'til I don't know what I know anymore.

So..
I'm in Canberra and it's late so I can't be bothered going through every uninteresting thing I've done here. I've been through a kaleidoscope (yay spellchecker) of emotions and I don't know where I'm going. I know I'm tired though, but I feel like talking.

I've been thinking a lot, and while I've depressed myself I've also thought up some interesting stuff. For example, I came up with the title of this post and I'm completely immodest when I say that I think it's an awesome line. I've been meaning to write some songs, but I haven't got around to it. I doubt I ever will.

Good news is I've found heaps of awesome metal. Hammerfall, Manowar, Hatebreed, Helloween, all really good. My kinda metal. When I get home I'm gonna have a lot of downloading to do. And some more albums to add to my list.

I beat Portal 2 by the way. Fun game. Beat the co-op with a friend and now I'm looking at finishing some achievements. I've completely ignored my homework while I'm here, so fuck that.

I've been considering every option, and I think that I can't be bothered changing the course I'm on. I have no desire to "take control of my destiny" or whatever. 

 

 I thought about making a new blog, to talk about interesting stuff where no-one knows me and I can just vent and discuss "touchy" subjects without fear of..what's the word I'm looking for? Retribution I spose, but it doesnt really fit. Anyway, I won't. I can't be bothered starting it and I know I won't keep it updated.

So I can't remember why I originally started this post, I'm quite tired. I'll be back, with more coherent thoughts to express.

Win By Any Means Necessary

Last night, I had a dream about you.

So..
Okay, I'm finally writing a blog post. I've been busy, I've had stuff to talk about, I just haven't managed to turn thoughts into words. Before I start though, I bid a warm welcome to my two new followers. Let me see now, welcome amyforder and... I think that's Magda? Am I the only one who's seeing &#65533 repeated four times? Well, whoever you are, welcome. I hope you enjoy my blog. And if you don't, I'm not going to know so its all good :D

Now, down to business. Today is the first of February (pinch punch etc etc.) and school is.. two three or four days away, depending on how you look at it. I start back on Friday the 4th people. And yes, that does mean I have one day of school and then the weekend. I don't understand it either but I'm not exactly going to argue about it am I? For those of you that don't live in Australia, Australia Day was on the 26th, though my fellow Aussie bloggers have probably mentioned it. Every year on Australia day my mum hosts a street party and makes the people in our street go to it. It doesn't usually get in my way, so I don't mind. The three nights before it were good though, I went to Sponge's house with Wombat (hehe codenames) and we stayed the night, then we slept at Wombats, then mine. We did what we always do, ate crap food, talked about crap and played crap games. It was all a bit of harmless fun and I enjoyed myself.

After they left I've been killing time at home mostly I think. E and I are on shakier and shakier ground every day, but somehow everything just keeps going. I was quite torn up about it for a few days, but I'm fine now. School will give me something to concentrate on soon.

I slept over at Wombats again last night. He has a medium-sized pool now, and the weather's getting past 35-40 degrees (Celsius) so it came in handy.

I was watching TV today (as I am wont to do) and the song "Nothing" by The Script came onto Channel V. It's a really good song and I'd seen it before and forgotten about it til now. After it finished, it got me thinking. "Nothing" suits my situation quite well right now, but why else do I love The Script so much? And how is that at odds with my love of heavier rock and metal songs? I figured out that first, I like The Script so much because they're a guys band playing soft rock and singing about heartbreak and getting away with it. There are a number of soft rock bands I admit, but something about The Script's lead singers voice puts them a cut above the rest for me.
Second, the reason I like heavy metal songs and harder rock is because of the way they make me (and others no doubt) feel. Metal makes you feel powerful. I'm not saying every metal song does, but the overarching trend in metal is that the distorted guitars, powerful drums, masculine voices etc etc combine to make you feel strong, powerful and in control. Disturbed's song "Indestructible" comes to mind, because that song was literally created to make the listener feel indestructible. David Draiman (lead singer of Disturbed, no I didn't have to look that up) wrote the song targeted at American soldiers going off to war.

Wow that was a massive paragraph. Oh wait, its actually two. I'm not as bad at punctuation as I thought  :D

A lot of the past few weeks I have spent recording and watching episodes of That 70's Show, The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother. I must have mentioned this already a few times, but they are my favourite TV shows at the moment. Particularly the latter two, though episodes of TBBT (cbf typing the full names) are disappointingly scarce.

Sponge lent me some CD's when I was at his place. Daft Punk's album Discovery and Deadmau5's two albums For Lack Of A Better Name and Random Album Title. You should definitely check out Digital Love by Daft Punk, it's probably my favourite song right now. I Remember by Deadmau5 featuring Kaskade is really good as well. He also showed me a song called Shut Your Mouth by Under Construction which is actually a cover, but trust me, it's far far better than the original. Finally, I personally found a song called Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex, which you should check out when you have some time on your hands. Its a fun little techno/dubstep thingy.

With far too much time on my hands, too many things to think about, too much to do and too little drive to do a post or anything productive, I've spent a little time on We Heart It, picking up some interesting pictures. And you know, I'll have some little tidbit comment for each of them, of course. Now what have I been..Oh yeah, How I Met Your Mother pictures. That reminds me, I say Toy Story 3 today on DVD. Good fun. Hold on while i search we heart it for Toy story :D

I'm disappointed. I got to page 27 of 63 and got nothing to show for it. Not cool.
Moving on..

 

Oh Barney, Barney, Barney.

 

The Barnacle is why I keep coming back to HIMYM 

Okay turns out I'm not in the mood for pictures. This hasn't been a very interesting post has it? Oh well, I don't mind. Enjoy your day (or night.)

A conversation, a follower, three movies, a sleepover and some pastries.

So..
Hello again. I've been meaning post for a few days now, just to say I'm doing fine. My last post (well over a week ago now) said I'd have lots of depressing posts and the fact I haven't means I've been okay. No posts generally means nothing particularly good or bad has happened.
I saw Burlesque on Monday with some friends. I enjoyed it, though some of the people I went with didn't. Then I saw The Dilemma on Tuesday with another friend. It was a lot better than I thought it would be. Then I've been stuck at home since then. Lets see.. I've had a few more driving lessons, which was kinda interesting.

What did I do last week..wow I haven't posted since I got back I just realised. Well just stuff with Wombat and Sponge, a sleepover at mine, a cricket match, oh! I saw Morning Glory with them as well, that wasn't too bad. I still haven't seen Tangled, which I really wanna do, so this weekend maybe.

Some idle thoughts:

The girl with a broken smile

He looked at her with a strange look on his face. "You would never speak to me if you knew my desires. Noone would"
She smiled. "You're so full of shit."
"Oh really?" He leaned closer and touched their foreheads together, then whispered in her ear. The more his lips moved, the paler she became. Finally she pushed him away.
"So?" He said as a smile played across his lips.
Her mouth opened, but nothing came out.


When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Dots

 New music is:

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked by Cage the Elephant. I found it in the intro to Borderlands while a friend was playing.

Miami 2 Ibiza by Swedish House Mafia and Tinie Tempah. Thanks to Channel V, or possibly MAX. I'm not sure which one I saw it on.

Fever by Bullet For My Valentine, been meaning to get it for ages.

Pale White Dress and Young At Heart by Amy Meredith

Metallica's classic One.

Rapunzel by Drapht

What The Hell, Avril Lavigne's new single.

We have a new follower! Please welcome, all the way from the blogosphere...Ariella! May I say, that is an awesome name you have there. Join the party and please try the pastries, they're delicious.


I don't have much to say right now, but maybe there'll be something soon. I'll sign off now though.

And we were lovers, now we can't be friends, fascination ends.

So..
Helllooooo! I'm back biatch!! In a ridiculously good mood, you'll see why. I've just been camping (again) for a few days. Oh shit dad's angry at something one sec. Back. S'all good. So where was I. Right. We were camping for...three days I think? Anyway, in that time I managed to completely fuck up the dregs of my relationship with E. Suffice to say, we won't be friends much longer. Texting is evil and I am stupid. Soooo there'll probably be not a few depressed/pissed/manic posts before I find someone new to obsess over. I was down and listless (great word 'listless') from.. say about Wednesday to midday yesterday, then suicidal between then and about 2ish today. Then, however we started driving home and I went with my brother (he's 30 and obviously can drive). We had a heap of fun, sitting listening to music with the windows down, singing along to some of it. We both like Rihanna, so that was fun when she came on the radio. It's hard to be depressed with such a perfect drive. I can feel myself getting lower now though :(.

When we got home I helped empty out the cars and then went on teh internets. Thank you, Hime, for cheering me up. How you did it is my little secret so shhhhh.

So now..what? I'll be sitting around catching up on manga and things I've been missing, then I'll go watch How I Met Your Mother. Neil Patrick Harris is a god.

Some new music for my fine followers,

Guns in the Sky by INXS
Got Some by Pearl Jam
Every Me, Every You by Placebo though I'm gonna check out some of their other stuff.
Not In Love by Crystal Castles. Probably not good for me to listen to right now?:/ but a good song.
Sleepwalker by Parkway Drive. I've never got into much of their kind of music, but I wish i could.

So, no doubt I'll be posting soon, 'til then - Au revoir.

"Let me tell you where I'm at. I want to have sex with a woman so I can take these overalls off."

So..
I said last night (actually this morning - just) that I would be doing the Cassie tag and in my opinion the best ones have pictures. I've done it five times before, the last one being way back in August. So here it is:

Abracadabra, Wow!
I like boys with long hair and girls with amazing eyes.
I like going out and doing stuff.
I like being able to have a normal conversation.

I like the way your skin felt against the back of my hand

I like sleepovers where we don't sleep.
I like doing things for New Year's eve.

I like how comfortable you seem around me.
I like loud music and distorted guitars.
I like seeing guys in love.

I like how shy you are about singing

I like finding a really good book to read.
I like it when people who can still look sexy without wearing tight or revealing clothes.
I love romantics
Today I got eight hours sleep for the second time in about two weeks.

In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate how jealous I can be at the drop of a hat. it tears me apart.

I hate how I can't keep my stupid mouth shut.
I hate how my stupid earring still refuses to heal.
I hate that when I'm down I focus on all the reasons you couldn't possibly love me back. 

 I hate how insecure I am sometimes.

I hate how blogger messes up the bold and italic settings so much.
I hate that I'm still in love with with my ex-girlfriend but in a way, I know I don't really hate it.

I hate how far away you live.

I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

 

I found out what the best feeling in the world is, but I think I already knew the worst a long time ago.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

So..

Hello my followers! Mein Gott I haven't posted in over three weeks! I've been busy. And it feels good. I hate when i sit around for days on end, it makes me feel...useless.

So what have I been up to? I went to a friend's house on the 19th (i think) and stayed for 6 days, coming home on Christmas Eve. We had two all-nighters (there is nothing quite like playing pool at three in the morning) and went to bed past 12 two of the other three nights. We did stuff on the internets and talked and played video games. The usual. Our second all nighter was my last night at his place and we were at highpoint the whole time. Bought my Christmas presents around 4 because I'm that amazing. Then I got a lift home and immediately went out again (still hadn't slept) to get my dad's present, then stayed up til past 12 anyway.

Christmas was okay, hope yours was better. We had a family dinner with my mum's relatives, so pretty dull but I survived. Boxing Day saw me off camping with my brother and dad. I don't enjoy camping too much, but I survived it. My friend I'd had a sleep over with (his name's Alex) came up too so it weren't too bad. Not much to do except play on my laptop and his iPhone. We're two boring guys what can I say?

My brother drove home the third day (29th i think) and me and Alex caught the bus back home on New Years Eve. I arrived home at 1115 and again left immediately to go bowling with some old friends. After the bowling (i came third of four) we went to one guys house and hung around before the three of us left left him there and went to the next house and stayed awhile. Then it was train to Wombats house so he could change and then we all met up and went to a New Year's Eve party hosted by the lovely Camelgirl and Cat. Very fun party, lots of loud music, not too many people, I had fun. Counted down to midnight then got a lift home with Wombat around 2. New Years Day (Holy cow yesterday) I got up at 8 (after less than five hours sleep) and went to E's house (Yes we're still friends, No we're not going to get back together as far as I know, Yes it's a terrible codename). We watched some episodes of Dexter, wandered around, and then stayed up til 3 30 watching The Amityville Horror. Fun movie.

Got home around 430 today and caught up on my internets (I'd barely gotten the chance to do some manga-reading with all this rushing around) then watched Big Bang, How I Met Your Mother and a recording of the Doctor Who Christmas special I missed. And now I have a cold. It's not surprising really, a string of late/all nighters, not eating very well right now and it was freezing last night. All in all, I'm feeling pretty darn pleased with myself. Going back to camp on Tuesday or Wednesday with my brother to help my dad pack it all up (did you notice that we left him there?) and then I'll still have three weeks of the holidays left over. Blimey. I'll have to start working on my holiday homework though, trying to get serious about school work this year (Year 11 woot!)

That's not all of it. I read the original Frankenstein because we're doing it for Lit this year and it was pretty bad. I tried reading some other ones but it's all pretty bad actually :P. I have been reading Raymond E. Feist's Midkemia books, as some of you know. Very good and about 3/4 of the way through. I'm also looking at reading some Richard Morgan books. Richard Morgan is a very good sci-fi writer, though they're very detailed and of a darker bent. Very hard to get into, but amazing. If you're interested, check out Altered Carbon by him, I borrowed it from school about 6 months ago and I'm mostly reading the sequels.

What else? Music. New songs are:

Deeper Water by Paul Kelly, I am going to learn it on guitar.

How To Make Gravy by Paul Kelly.

Black Dog by Led Zep.

Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya and I'm Shipping Up To Boston by the Dropkick Murphys. Bloody good fun to sing and the lyrics are pretty easy to remember.

Purity by Slipknot, it's live version particularly.

Prelude 12/21 by AFI.

Sunrise, Sunset by Bright Eyes.

Disappear by Motion City Soundtrack.

It's Not the End of the World, But I Can See It from Here by Lostprophets.

Ov Fire and the Void by Behemoth. Great guitar intro I reckon.

I'm not sure what to think of Teenage Crime by Adrian something. I like it though.

I've left out something else; what I got for Christmas! A cool bracelet thingy and a wallet with a chain from my mum (pics tomorrow), a check for 100 dollars, a cool shirt from my bro and a towel :D. I got my dad some golf balls, my mum two bracelets, my brother a rubber band ball and 'naughty' marker thingies from typo and my cousin a mug. I'm going to spent the money on CD's. Most of it anyway.

Written while camping:

 I dreamed last night that you were a princess and because I was a commoner your father (who looked like my Lit teacher) wouldn't let us be together. When I woke up I realised that while such medieval practices are no longer in place, in real life I made you the princess and myself the commoner and decided that we didn't work together because you're so amazing and I'm so dull.

The profoundness was kinda lost when you turned into an animation and I became part of a picture book, though now I think about it, that kinda fits in. Regardless, by the time I woke up a rabbit was teaching a dog and cat about the finer points of love, sex and marriage, including an amusing anecdote about the "Dewey's" a pair of lovestruck rabbits who both passed out after they had sex the first time.

Written on the way to bowling:

I realised today that some people actually don't know what it's like to be in love. Furthermore, most people my age don't know the feeling, It made me think that maybe I'm getting it wrong somehow.

Holy crud it's midnight. I'm just gonna dump these pictures here. They mean things to me. Goodnight. Here's hoping my cold will be gone in the morning. Also, I'm going to do a the Cassie tag tomorrow, I haven't in ages and I really want to. :D

Christmas thoughts

So..
Every year around Christmas I open the letter box, take out a Christmas card or two and imagine myself 30 years from now sitting alone at home without a single card because I never made the effort.

Every year at Christmas I think of how my grandfather died, sitting at the table on Christmas day with his entire family around him and I hope to die as well as he did.

Every year around Christmas I imagine kissing a beautiful girl at midnight on New Years Eve.

Every year at Christmas, as I sit down to the dinner table with my mum, dad, brother, grandmother and assorted cousins I wonder if I'll ever see it from where my dad does.

Every year at Christmas I eat until I'm full and stay up late.

Every year at Christmas I feel a little sad that another year has gone by.

Every year after Christmas I hardly bother making a new years resolution, because I've never thought it was that important to do.

Posts, Jealousy, Realisations, Letters and Music

So..
I'm back! I know that I'm posting about the time I normally would be, considering my posts have been a lot more spaced out over the last few months. But making the decision to not blog made me realise how much I've come to depend on Commence Download. As a kind of personal therapy, to vent my frustrations and sadness. And I have plenty to write so I'll most likely forget it all.

Nothing interesting to note, I'm now using the new post layout, thank you Aoife.
I note that I haven't had any new followers in a long while. I suspect many of my old ones have stopped reading also, I know if you follow heaps of blogs you tend to skip reading the boring ones. I only follow people who follow me, which probably is responsible for my low follower numbers. I don't mind too much as I don't usually (read never) talk about blogs in the real world, so its hard to get jealous of people with high follower numbers.

Speaking of jealousy, I realised quite soon after my last post (or possible slightly before it) that I am a jealous person. A part of me knew that fact but I only recently actually voiced the fact, made it a conscious realisation. I'm jealous of people with iPhones, I'm jealous of guys with girlfriends, I;m jealous of motivated people, I'm jealous of people with money, I've jealous of constantly happy people (they're probably covering for something but how would I know?). I'm jealous of handsome men, sexy men, friends, enemies, acquaintances etc.
The people I'm most jealous of, regularly and without fail, are people who get to interact with whoever my crush is at that time. People (particularly guys of course) who get to see, talk to, laugh at, laugh with, smile at, get smiled at, piss of, comfort, kiss, hug and whatever with my crush.

God I hate that word. Crush sounds so childish, like I'm a 8 year old with a crush on the girl next to me in class. Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it; 'my love' is too..personal and adult. It would make me sound like a 17 year old who thinks he's met the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with.

Anyway. Where was I, oh yeah. So having a crush sucks major balls. I want them to laugh, cry, kiss, hug etc etc only with me. Which is kinda hard when you go to an all boys school and your current crush lives 100 kilometers away. Not the happiest circumstances.

And yes, I still like my ex-girlfriend. So what? happens all the time. I'll get over it eventually, and everything was fine until I told her a few days ago. Now I'm not sure what's going to happen. 'Just friends' would be fine thank you very much. Why can't girls handle it when you tell them you like them? I didn't even say I loved her, I said "I might not love you, but I have a major crush". I ranting a bit. Wish I hadn't said major, that sounds weird. Anyway.

I'm fine though, I'll live. Such things pass. I actually decided to make a post because I wanted to do something a bit different and write some letters. They're quite personal, so we'll see how far I'm willing to go.

First up,

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,

The thing that bugs me the most, is that we had a pathetic relationship. Honestly our "relationship" went for two months and consisted of one date, one time I went to the footy with you and your parents (nice people by the way) and lots of long conversations ending in "I love you" I think you might have meant it at the start. But that, my dear, is not a relationship. You know what I think? I think I was safe. Easy to deal with, far away, completely impersonal.

And then you broke up with me. I was expecting it, I got over it. We didn't talk for a while and then somehow we did. It the last two weeks I've learned a lot about you. And I know now you have
problems like everyone else along with some special ones of your own.

I can't get angry with you. I can't get angry because if I'm wrong and you do care all I would achieve is hurting a good friend.

Love Jokerman

Next please.

Dear Hime,
Good friends, then not. Then avoiding and downcast eyes. I thought you were beautiful, but inside just ain't that pretty sometimes. Sorry we fell apart, wish I could have known you better.
I can't say more so,

Goodbye, Jokerman

Those were the two I wanted to write. You see, when I'm bored I make up stories in my head, conversations I wish could happen and and ones I hope don't. Things I'm going to write for the blog, or things to put in it. Fantasizing about life you could say.

I bought Slipknot's album Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses recently. There's some good stuff on there, but my new favourite is the last track on the album "Danger - Keep Away". It's..eerie. Good listening for a night like this, dark, forbidding. Unintelligible whispers are followed by "we do feel alone, we do feel alone" opening the track. Listen to it, we all have time on the holidays. Turn the lights down, lower the volume so you have to strain a little to hear it. Close the blinds, stick in some earplugs and close your eyes. Maybe you won't like it. It doesn't get as loud as some of their other stuff, which is good.

Other songs I've picked up are Shakira's two hits "Whenever, Wherever" and "Hips Don't Lie". I make no excuses for my musical tastes. Also "Wild At Heart" another Birds of Tokyo song. Fun to hear.

"Na Na Na" and "Sing" by My Chemical Romance are both good, the first for the sound the second for the lyrics.


What else is there? I've forgotten things I wanted to say. This will do, thank you, and good night.

Old broken hearts.

So..
There is no hidden meaning there, we see what we want, ignoring the truth.

An unfortunately long time since my last post. I suppose I'm keeping them regular, if spaced. Exams are over, holidays now. I'm happy sometimes, content the rest. We won basketball today, I can't remember the last time we did that.

I have lots of We Heart It pictures I collected one dull afternoon.
New music is:

Where The Wild Roses Grow, The Weeping Song, The Ship Song and Tupelo by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds. In fact, most of their best of.
We R Who We R by Kesha. Because I'm like that stuff some times.
Raise Your Glass by Pink. Its fun.
This Is The New Shit by Marylin Manson. My kind of music.

Tokyo (Vampires and Wolves) by The Wombats. Fun and insightful I think.
Hold The Line by Toto. A song about persevering when you've got a crush I think. Good song regardless.
Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream. Awesome guitar riffs. The lead singer is Eric Clapton. Elvis was King of Rock n Roll, MJ was King of Pop and Ozzy Osbourne was the Prince of Darkness. You know what Eric Clapton was? God. That's it, just 'God'.

The rain pounds on the roof and I am lost in my thoughts once again. I wonder if I have been too sheltered in my life. Too much of the easy life has made my mind and body weak. And how can you truly be able to appreciate the light the sun brings unless you have stood in the rain while dark clouds beat down your soul into the dirt?


Remember that.
Is that what you think?
Hehehehe.
Sad song, good song.
Urgh
Mother.
Very, very jealous. Curse all boy's schools.
Got the different bit down, now for the irreplaceable.
Heehee. *serious face*
..It doesn't necessarily mean that. But it might..
Painfully true. But no one is listening.

A little random but nevermind (nevermore).

You're the one thing on my mind, but that could change anytime.

So..
EXAMS. ARE. OVER. (bitches)
My best friend is sitting behind me, Hilltop Hoods are playing, we have hot chocolates and my day has consisted of reading, relaxing and hanging out with friends.
Quickly, in case I want to refer to it later, my maths exams went shit, not sure if I'll pass, History I did well, English I owned the first part and screwed up the second a bit, Photography I did very well, Game Design I did ok and enjoyed it, Science was a bit if a bitch and French was annoying.

New music is:
Morgenstern by Rammstein, a real love song
Addicted by Bliss n Eso, a perfect song for the holidays about loving life.
Some okay Bring Me The Horizon stuff, a bit unintelligible for me.
Double Vision by 3OH!3
Cardiology by Good Charlotte. Their new album and I think it's quite good. I've probably talked before about my thoughts on Good Charlotte - they aren't a bad band, I just outgrew them. In deference to my old love of them I got the album and I am enjoying it. I'm also going to get Disturbed's first album re-issue The Sickness and I'm think about buying Running On Air, Bliss n Eso's new album that spawned Addicted and Down By The River, which I love. I also still need to get A Thousand Suns and a job.


Hmm, what can I talk about? I'm happy. I guess that's enough. There's nothing interesting to say when I'm content. Bit sad really. Saw an old old friend today. Two years and still fine. Love it when it's like that.
Playing Fable 3 right now. It's a pretty good game but I hope my brother likes it. He paid for it after all and if he didn't like it I'd feel bad. Brotherhood is in six days. I can't bloody wait.

I might s well go look up some pictures. What have I already got on my hard drive? Well there's
this,
this,
this,
(Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold of course.)
this,
(My favourite I think)
and this,

I think I might do a picture post in a sec.