Sunday, December 25, 2011

Your lips are like my breaths, you keep taking them away.


Sometimes I just want someone to pay attention to me.

Hope you all have a good holiday.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want.

I have my last exam tomorrow, which would be good except its my Year 12 subject and I haven't revised for it and I'm not going to. I might regret it later but I just can't bring myself to care. I've been sitting around all today and yesterday. Friday I went out for a walk, met up as usual and chatted. I pulled a muscle in my side last Monday and I saw the doctor yesterday when it didn't seem to get any better. It just needs more time apparently.

I wanted to talk about how I'm feeling right now, and how I'm not depressed, just tired. But I can't be bothered spelling it all out here. I'm just reading and listening to You and Me by Lifehouse over and over. I was singing it before and it made me want to cry. I don't know why, and I didn't.

I might fail school this year but I can't bring myself to care.
I'm tired.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I, want to kill, everybody in the world. I, want to eat your heart.

Dammmit. I reaalllly wanna listen to dubstep right now but its ten to six in the morning and my neighbours wouldn't appreciate it. And I definitely don't want dad to wake up. I haven't felt tired all night, which can't be good. Hmmm. I guess I should get some homework done.
My head aches. Fuck.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The awkward moment when you realise you've never worked hard to get something your whole life and you probably never will.

I bought Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrilllex and Worlds Collide by Apocalyptica. Now I'm going to bed.

Because my blog's background is black, it feels like all I'm doing is yelling into an endless empty void.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

As long as I breathe, I'll call you my home.

I'm feeling better. I want to go to bed and I'm writing this to avoid my Psych homework, but I'm feeling better.
This is my new favourite song. I wanted to cry listening to it this morning. Isn't that crazy? Still, I thought it was beautiful, emotional. No accounting for taste I suppose.

Sometimes I just want to listen to soft songs, happy love songs. Too bad I can't remember any. I found this though, which suits.
I don't know what else to say. Please listen to both songs. They're good, I promise.
So yeah...:)
Back to Psych I guess.

Monday, October 24, 2011

In love I've always been a mercenary, but I never leave my post when the cash runs out

It feels like forever since my last post. I don't know why I haven't posted before now, I just haven't felt the desire to. I'm going to bed in a bit, running away from my homework - again. Contemplating quitting school - again.

Rather than a feeling that my life is crashing down around me, it's more like I'm just on a never-ending slide down to oblivion. My exams start next week and I have to write 7000 words on poetry tomorrow night. or something. I don't want to. I just want to sit inside my little house and play video games and live my little life. I don't really mind if I don't get rich and famous and live in a mansion on the beach with a beautiful model. I just want to stay here. and it sucks that that's too much to ask. What do I know anyway - I'm seventeen.
I thought today's xkcd was cute.

I'm sleepy and its 10:00. I'll probably end up reading light novels on my phone like last night.I'm tired of my life.

Why do they tell us in school that we can be anything? Why drive us to want to achieve greatness? Why do we have to learn to be responsible adults? Give me something to do now and I'll do it - give me and independent research task to be handed in on Monday and chances are you won't see a word outta me. ever.

I'm crapping on and on. Reliving past memories. Her hand momentarily held in mine. Her warm waist and the knowledge that she's someone else's girlfriend and that means no touching, no going anywhere, ever. I'm proud of some aspects of my personality at least. It seems I have some honour. Though what does honour even mean. I'm like a medieval knight dropped into the twenty-first century. Not a very good knight admittedly. I hope I don't sound depressed. I'm not. Just tired. I should shut up now. ARgh why am I talking. I'm sorry. The last few weeks I feel so shit whenever I complain, thinking "what do I have to complain when other people's shit is worse" Here's my last outlet to bemoan my wretchedly middle class, privileged existence. I don't want you to read this, but I do. It won't change anything. Anything at all.

P.S. Nevermind.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

*beats head against wall*


I've been listening to this song over and over. I like it. I can't be bothered explaining all the stuff behind the singer's origins and shiz. It's not that interesting. Look it up if you really want, but I don't mind if you don't.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Holidays, tears and kisses

It's the school holidays and you'd think I'd be pleased, but all I feel is loneliness and disappointment. My laptops screen is broken and while its being fixed I wont have it for 3-10 days. So I'm slowly typing this on my phone, in HTML format because my phone hates normal typing apparently. I'm so dependant on the internet for entertainment its terrible. So what was I going to talk about ...
I'm sitting on the bathroom table trying to clean my teeth and type - it's not working very well. I pulled put my 12 year old laptop hoping to watch some YouTube videos, but it doesn't have wireless. As I sat there it struck me that this little, inferior, bug riddled laptop has sat gathering dust on the corner of my room faithfully waiting to be turned on again and prove that it can still fulfill its purpose. I felt sad foe my loyal little laptop. Then I turned it off and put it away again. A little later I was lying on my bed trying to get YouTube on my phone when a memory popped into my head of that one perfect second and those few happy hours she spared me and I hated it for the happiness I'd lost and I just wanted someone to kiss me like that again, love me like that again. I must be a bad kisser.
of course this was all twenty minutes ago, and what seemed so flawlessly poetic it my head then now just feels ... I don't know. Sad maybe. Empty.
Im not even sure if this memory of her lips is real or if I've just re-imagined how they felt.

I miss being in love. I probably shouldn't, because so far love hasn't brought me happiness. Regardless, I miss that last thought before bed and the idle daydreams in class. I miss happiness being a smile away. I miss having a reason to get up in the morning. I miss having a name and face to give a lover when imagining the future.
Anyway. I'm tired. Here's hoping this HTML typed thing works and here's hoping I doing hate this in the morning.


Shut up shut up.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why do I know so many beautiful people? It's so not fair

I've been busy. I think. Today's the last day of the term, which is pretty sweet (no sir I ain't doing it), but I'm a little worried about next term. Lots to do an' all. So unfortunately I don't have long to type something here. (yes I got distracted by We Heart It. It has a new lay out. What am I, a robot?)

So I thought about beautiful people, and normal people and problems and girls and beauty again. I'm scared I misunderstand things. Or that I will. I have to make sure I don't lose my head. This is why I don't drink (must everything come back to that?). I figured out, or realised, or re-realised because I'm pretty sure I knew already, that in the end I have to solve my own problems and no one can solve them for me and I don't know if anyone can really help with them either. This is going to be a long week.
Do I know myself better when I hate myself and think I'm worthless or when I'm so happy I feel on top of the world and that everyone loves me? I don't know. One thing I do know (oo certainty) is that no one knows me like I know me, and I don't know me that well either (what the fuck is that pretentious shit?). Let's be honest. I think I'm a pretty cool guy and even though I tell myself to get a grip I don't ever really (just like every other time). *resists urge to apologise again*. Ow - my eye hurts... I don't know why. This whole day I've had a weird, really annoying tic in my right eye. No idea why. What was I going to say?
My fingers hurt where I've bitten my nails to far and my head hurts from staring at this screen too long. I've totally forgotten what I was going to- no wait I remember.
*gets out phone and reads from screen*
This small house feels big and empty when my father and I sleep in seperate double beds with only our blankets to keep us warm on these cold nights.

Hooray for run on sentences. Never mind that the nights are getting warmer and the cat wanders in and out every night to sleep on out beds. That's not poetic. Or maybe it is... Hmmm.

Anyway, I think its time this little bear went to sleep in his 'cold' bed.

Nighty night e'ery b'dy.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I don't love you, but give me a chance and I'd follow you forever

Sometimes it takes a drunk best friend alternating between apologising profusely and telling you how amazing you are to make you see what's important. And sometimes it takes a drunk best friend explaining how much he hates his life to make you see how universal your problems are. I don't drink. Full stop. But I can see the attraction in inhibitions. I want to lay my heart out too and watch it lie raw and bloody on the kitchen floor. There's somethings you can't explain properly, that you can't tell anyone for fear of them misunderstanding. So I keep some of it locked up. Its okay usually. I should stop switching between first and second-person styles. Whatever. Shuriken is a cool word. Shuriken. Shoo-ree-ken. Hmm.
I've been writing a lot of vague stuff these past few months huh? I think I'm trying to express something that can't be expressed in words. But I try anyway. I miss us.
But like I (sorta) said to him last night; you gotta let stuff go. You can't let your past rule your present. Keep regretting to a minimum. What I didn't tell him, but I realised last night, is that as well as the memories and regrets you have to let go, there's some you should cling to. Because it's sad when you forget the things that once made you so happy. And I'm not happy, but I'm not depressed. Freakin' Albert Camus. Absurdist nutjob. Anyway. I'm fucked. I'm reading a book called "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden". It's about a crazy girl who goes to an asylum. I'm partway through, but that asylum looks pretty tempting to me. The thing is, I think (to completely go off track for a moment) that if you ignore your responsibilities (that's a lot of "i"'s) you lose your privileges.
So I went to a party last night. I wasn't going to, but I did. I'm wondering if I regret going or not. I'm not sure. There were good bits and bad bits. I think it was good that I went, but I should have done a few things differently. Differently how I don't know. I'm just not good at parties.
*sings* There is no longer you and I.

I lost my iPod at school, so I've put a few songs on my phone. But headphones don't work with my phone because it's stupid so I mostly listen to new songs on Youtube.

I haven't done any homework in a long time. I can't bring myself to care. So I lie to my teachers and my parents and my friends about how much I'm doing and how much sleep I'm getting and how I'm spending my time. I want to play COD, but not enough to be bothered setting it up.
I think this post is a little different to the others. I'm not writing anything in particular, just what springs to mind. I'm sorry if I'm boring. Haha. I'm apologising and that's funny. Urgh. I'm just...disconnected. I wish I was a sociopath, but I'm not. I wish I was depressive, or bipolar, or an insomniac. You know you're a bit strange when suicide is too much work. I don't mean that. I'm not suicidal. I'm not anything. I think I'm just going to sit here for a while staring at the walls. I must sound strange. I'm not. I'm fine. Normal. Boring. Urgh. Or maybe I'll find something on We Heart It to cheer me up/depress me.

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost:
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. 

Please don't take me seriously. I couldn't bear it if you did.



Kinda appropriate, and damn clever.

I'm not proofreading all that. I'm in a better mood now though. Night.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I couldn't think of a title so I'm just going to keep writing here until I finish my sentence.

I say sometimes alot on here. I think. I haven't actually double checked that, but from memory "alot" seems acceptable. For some reason I think "alot" is one word. Don't know why. It isn't. Anyway. Here's another Sometimes.

Sometimes you have a moment, or you see something, or you hear something, or whatever, that you know is good. Wholly good, intrinsically good, good because it is good and that is what it is and it could never have not been good. And you just know it's good, without asking or double checking with someone else. You just know. Or so I'm told.
That sounded better in my head. Is it weird that I believe in souls, but not the afterlife? Aren't they intrinsically (intrinsic is such an awesome word) linked? Is it possible to have one without the other? Evidently, if I think so.

I'm tired and I hate people. It's a pretty shit feeling to know that your family loves you because you're related to them and they have to and not because you're actually worth loving. I should stop sounding so depressed. I'm not that depressed. Just tired. Tired and lonely. I can't exactly pinpoint when this change started. I don't remember, though it can't have been more that a month ago. Funny how memory works.
I don't want to dream of kisses and happy endings any more because the thing about dreams is, you wake up. Maybe I need a change. Maybe I'm scared to change.

It's so boring being me. Or is it just boring to other people? I hate how I sound on this blog. Alternatively depressed and happy and informative and reflective and whatever, but no matter what exactly I'm feeling, I always have all the time I want to say it on here. And that's not how it works in the real world. I should stop talking now. Stupid internet.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I've never felt like this before.

I. Am. A. Horrible. Person.
Truly despicable.

I thought I was a nice guy, worth the time, worth knowing, worth being friends with, worth hanging out with, worth having around. But no. It seems not. I hate myself. And not in a "I'm so alone way" or a "I'm so ugly" way or an "I'm too fat" way, or a "I'm so depressed" way. A "I hate myself because if I met myself in real life, I would hate me". And I've never felt like this before. Who knew?

Monday, August 22, 2011

I'm finally trying to learn from my mistakes

I apologise for my last post. Sometimes I just need to let things out, yell at something or someone, to say "I'm here! I feel pain too!"

Sometimes I get stuck in this world where political correctness is king and we have to watch everything we say in case they call as mad or dangerous. Particularly when I am mad and dangerous. :). Or not. Anyway, I'm calmer now, going to bed. I realised in the end that its only school. Honestly. That's it. You'd think we'd be used to it after the last 11 years. It's just school. Not war, or a life-or-death situation. It's important to understand what's really important, or else I get bogged down in regret and fear. And I do want to live proudly and boldly and without regrets, I'm just really bad at it. Anyway, it's time I went to bed. While you're here though, listen to this:

which you've probably heard
and this:

which you no doubt haven't. Really, listen to them. For me?

Finally, I've been stalking weheartit and I just might have something to show for it.

 The correct answer is no. At the very least, toast toast bread.

Damn right!

I love you Insanity Wolf.

Nighty night.

P.S. This content mood will not last. Don't worry :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

What are we here to do? My dad suggested I quit school and my mum asked if I'd care when she died.

I really want to write some deep and meaningful post about the nature of love and beauty and purity and pain and death and loss and hurt and friendship and family and phoniness and fighting and blood and war and teenagers and fear. But it really isn't worth it. I know exactly how few people read Commence Download these days and even if these posts are part therapy, they're still a hell of a lot of attention seeking. And the internet is the last place anyone should look for love.

I have a new follower. wolf is my twenty-ninth follower. This blog has been going for almost 2 years. This post is the 164th..i think. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And even with the how fucking deep and precious and mysterious this stupid post is going to seem to be - attention seeking remember - I'll still have time to put labels like "Reflections" and "Followers" on the end. Try clicking the follower tag and reading each one in reverse chronological order. It's interesting to see the time flick past. Or not. I'm sorry. Again.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Given to a girl, written by a boy.

*drums fingers on desk* A little over a week since my last post. Given my track record its not that bad, but it's felt like a while, particularly since I've had so much I wanted to talk about. Now, sadly, the moment is gone and I don't feel like saying anything in particular. I do need to do Lilah's "Dear You" tag, so lets run with that.
To be honest, I'm still not sure who I want to write to, if anyone. I've had a few ideas though, so I'm just going to do it and see how it goes. One moment while I find some appropriate music. Sum 41 and Three Days Grace are what I've ended up listening to lately, so on they go. Oh, and Ruthless by Something Corporate. Of course.

Dear You,
I thought I saw you today. Walking out of Flinders Street Station and there was a girl with her back to me with the exact same stupid shade of hair you dyed it. I didn't freeze, I just watched carefully until she turned around and it wasn't you. Of course not. But it made me think, what would I have done if it was you? Walked up and said hi? Snuck past? I imagined catching your eye and putting a finger to my lips before sauntering off. That's what I do you see. I imagine situations, not just with you, but lots of people, where I manage to say the right things, do the right things. I'm always the height of cool in my head. Whenever I try anything like that in real life of course, it fails terribly. So I keep imagining, keep living in my head, picturing the perfect put down's to crush the people I hate, the perfect comments to brighten the lives of the people around me. Pretending Tyler's words could come out of my mouth.
But that won't ever happen. At least, not with you. Do you understand that? I used to promise you I'd be there for you forever, but I knew I was lying. Because now you're with him I can't be. And I can't confide in you either, despite what you said. I know that you mean the best, and you're only being a good friend but I can't handle it. I shouldn't even be thinking about you, in case it hurts again. And maybe one day I'll be able to look at you again without that pain, but funnily enough I don't want that either. I'm not sure, but maybe I just want the memory of what I once meant to a beautiful, sexy girl before she left me. So for that I thank you. And if you do need someone to confide in, I will be here. It might hurt but I'd do it anyway just to mean something to you again. But you have to figure that out yourself, I won't help you with that.
From (I won't say Love, not again)

Wow. That went better than I expected. Or worse. See, I do have things to get off my chest. Hmmm. Should I do another one? I had three hours sleep last night - did I already say that? Appears not.
I have to stay up a little longer for various reasons, so let's do another one. I could honestly do four or five, with all the stuff I'm not saying to people. Huh. I actually hadn't thought about that til now. I actually have a heap of stuff I could say to people. What does that imply? Often, or at least lately, I feel so distanced from people. But that's a discussion I won't go into right now. It's long, pretentious and depressing. Besides, just because I have things to say, doesn't mean I should say them. Loose lips sink ships and all that. Or is that the wrong turn of phrase. It is. Oh well. Ceebs backspacing.

Anyway, where was I?

Dear You,
I saw you recently. You walked straight past me and didn't even notice I was there. I didn't mind. You looked good, back straight, hair slightly windswept, determined look on face, bag over one shoulder, earphones in, woman power etcetera etcetera. I just wanted to mention that, I didn't have anything too important to say. Hope you're well. I assume you are. Hmm. perhaps I should have thought this out more before I started. FYI, typing in gloves is hard.
(platonic) Love,
Me (can I say Jokerman?)

Incidentally, platonic love is named after the Greek philosopher Plato. He talks about love in a platonic way (obviously) in the philosophical text Gorgias, and perhaps some of his other pieces. And typing is gloves is a bitch. I'm managing though. I'm wearing gloves at home now so I don't chew my fingernails to the root. My fingers look terrible. Hurrumph.
So I guess I better get ready for bed before I collapse. I suppose I have other things to say, but they can wait. I apologise for a lack of pictures, if you want I can start making a point of putting some in. Just let me know. I think I might chill on We Heart It for a bit while I wait for my work to finish up. Don't ask me how that makes sense, it just does. Wow I'm tired. Good night.

Oh shite. Almost forgot the most important part. I HAZ TEH NEW FOLLOWER! I apologise for caps, (god knows I hate caps lock normally) but its been a while. Welcome, welcome, welcome Rebecca. I hope we haven't scared you.

Now I really  need to go to bed. Nighty night.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

This is the last true burning letter

Right. Lilah's tag. I'm not avoiding homework. Shut up. Anyway. The tag. *copy-pastes* All you have to do is write a letter beginning with 'Dear You' that can't include any names, only pronouns. Hmm. I've been thinking about this for a while now and I still haven't figured out who to write it to. I thought of the title though, so...progress! So many people to write to. Argh. Stupid distracting Facebook. RAAAAAAARGH. I probably don't have time to finish now, but I don't want to stop and do it tomorrow. Wow. I actually feel like crying. Surely my day wasn't that bad. I spent about 20 minutes going through the blogs I follow. There aren't that many and it's sad to see that some have been deleted or haven't been updated in ages. I hope that everyone's okay :/. I guess if you don't have anything to post a blog is kinda pointless. I use this place as a place to vent nowadays. When I finish with it I'll be sad.

So tags. Tag. Tag. tag tag. tag tag tag atag tag tagtagtag.
her or her or her or her or her or him or him or him or.. I don't know.
Fuck it I'm going to bed. Sorry Lilah, I'll do it properly soon.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


I'm sick *sneezes* so I've been home all day. Sleeping mostly, though I read Eragon and watched a bit of TV. I had a couple of cool dreams, but I can't remember them.

I no longer dream of eyes,
That sparkle like stars,
Or green and blue like the sea.
I no longer dream of hair,
black as night,
Or red and gold like sunset.
I no longer dream of lips,
 painted red,
Or as plain and beautiful,
as the mid-morning dew.
But even as I wonder,
if this is good or bad.
I know that I will, again

One of my worse poems, free verse is annoying.

I read High Fidelity again. Gooood book.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The things we think of at night.

Right. I think it's time for another blog post don't you? I heartily apologise for my last one - I think I need to be saved from myself sometimes. Or a lot. Anyway.

It's been about a week and a half since my last post. Lots of interesting stuff's happened since then. Rise Against's concert was amazing. If you've ever been to Festival Hall in Melbourne, imagine it packed out, every person with a phone or lighter in their hand, singing along to this:

Simply beautiful.
They played a couple of songs I didn't know and a lot I did :D. Hero of War and Satellite are two new ones I've picked up and adored.
The night following the concert was Camelgirl's birthday party! I had to wear a suit and the long hair just didn't work with it. Ah well. A better party than I was expecting, got home around 12 I think. Or was it 1. Something like that. Anyway, Wombat slept over, which was cool.

School was annoying this week, but I gave a cool oral presentation in Literature so I'm happy with that. I don't think it gets marked though unfortunately. Thursday was Wombat's birthday, so he slept over again. Then Friday (yesterday) was Wombat's birthday party, hosted at my house. I made a mud cake, which was delicious, and his sister made a choc ripple cake, which was also delicious (but not as good as mine of course). We mostly played videogames and ate crap food. Pizza for dinner, then at 1030 we went to another party and stayed there til...2. That party was okay, but not really my kinda thing. Still, I enjoyed myself well enough, and Wombat, Sponge, Unkle and Rug stayed over. I'm really bad at the whole nickname thing aren't I?

So today I woke up after <4 hours sleep and had pizza and mud cake for breakfast. I messed around on the computer, said goodbye to the boys and had Weet-Bix for lunch. Then I had a nap before heading off to basketball on about 4 and a half hours sleep. Lost basketball, came home shower blardy blah.


The above graffiti is (or was, I think it's at least partially covered up now) decorating a wall in this beloved city. I spotted it one day and resolved to take a photo of it but never did. I realised today that most likely someone else did get a snapshot of it. A quick search on google images and voila! Hope you like it.

Well I guess I better head off. Things to do ey wot.

P.S. I still have to do Lilah's tag. Must not forget that :)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My thoughts are all jumbled in my head and I'm so good at getting myself down. I need to take control of some things, but I don't wanna. I'm stalling I realise, but I don't care. Just because I know I'm doing something, doesn't mean I can stop it. I don't think before I speak. I keep shouting at people my parents. Its...weird. I'm really really lonely.
Going to a Rise Against concert tomorrow. Gonna be awesome... hopefully. Listen to their new single Make It Stop (September Children). Yes that's an order. The lead singer was inspired to write it after seven (was it seven? I don't want to go on Wikipedia to check) LGBT teenagers committed suicide in September last year. I heard it a couple of times last night - yay Youtube - but this morning I played it in the car and I was close to crying by the end. Dunno why it was then but whatever. In fact, I'll embed it here. If I can...

Looks like it worked. Dad's being irritating. DAD GO AWAY. Urgh. I snapped at him. I just don't fucking care sometimes.


There's a party on Friday night. Could be fun, but I can't find the tux I was going to wear. It's my brother's second hand one - mum's probably done something with it the bitch God I want to scream sometimes.

So anyway. I haven't talked about music for a while huh? Rise Against of course, but check out Nero's songs "Promises" "Guilt" "Me and You" and "Innocence". Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO - no doubt you've heard it already - as well as "Champagne Showers" and "Shots"
Slam by Pendulum and Camo & Krooked's remix of "Monster" by Professor Green. Very awesome.
Wow April? That's how long since I did a New Music list? Wow. There's Rammstein, Pendulum, Nightwish, Bliss n Eso, After Forever, shitloads of stuff. None of which I'm going to do tonight. Besides, if I dump it all on you at once, any minute chance you'd actually check it out would probably disappear.

I'd get a job, but i can't be bothered. I'd start a new blog, but I can't be bothered. I'd try in school, but I can't be bothered. I'd quit school, but I can't be bothered. I'd go outside, but I can't be bothered. I'd do a lot of things, but I can't be bothered. And let's face it, you can't be bothered reading this. I want.. a lot of things. who cares.

Why the hell does anyone ever get up in the morning? Why bother? Why keep trying? Why? Why? WHY?

I am a copy of a copy of a copy. a clone. Nothing. I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake. I am the same decaying organic matter as everything else. My ideas are plagarism. My life has been done before. My problems are old ones. My tragedies are boring and repetitive. There was only so much originality in the world and now it is gone. I was born original. I will die a copy. I do not. Fucking. Care.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I can't believe I only posted once during the holidays. And it was... what it was. You can see it. But I'm past that, for now.

Of course I can't believe a few things right now. Like that I haven't done any homework in two weeks. That the holidays are over. I'm listening to Fight Club as I type. It's fascinating. I watched it again recently, on a whim. Then I listened to it on the train instead of music. I want to learn all the words. Like a song. Now that I want to learn the script off by heart, I immediately have a new appreciation for actors.
What else. Marla Singer has more right to be at testicular cancer. Watch Fight Club. Buy it. The book and the movie. Read it.
Or don't. What will I care.

I wrote this recently. I forget why.
Thank God for bad television, Ginger beer and emotion suppression.
I wish I could say thank God for cheap cigarettes and cheap drinks but I can't and won't. 

I want to feel this again:
I put my headphones in my ears, clicked shuffle and then for a second i wasn't there. Raw power flooded my system and suddenly I wasn't cold, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't worried or alone. In that second all I was was me, perfectly, purely me! And it felt good.

Listen to Gateways by Dimmu Borgir.

Give yourself to the music.
I just feel like talking. Holidays felt good. Of course, they were too short. My computer keeps stuffing up. I'm getting up at 7 tomorrow. Can't believe it. Can't comprehend it, can't process it. Like when I heard that Saint Basil's Cathedral is 450 years old and I could understand how old that is, but the concept that the Coliseum is over 2 thousand years old is incomprehensible. How do you grasp something like that? I can't do it and I doubt you can. Not really. Beyond a certain point years become merely words.

Death was the only absolute value in my world. Lose life and one would lose nothing again forever. Death was far more certain than God, and with death there would no longer be the daily possibility of love dying. The nightmare of a future of boredom and indifference would lift. I could never have been a pacifist. To kill a man was surely to grant him an immeasurable benefit.
-Graham Green, The Quiet American

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I have so much to say, as always, but its late and I have to get up early so all have time to say is what I must say, to get it out of me.

Don't. Just don't. Don't go there, don't give it a try, don't think maybe don't think what if. Don't. Don't go down that path again, you'll just end up at the bottom. Don't do it. Not again. Go to bed. Sleep. Wake up and still don't. Don't think of it. Get up and get dressed and keep busy and make sure that you don't! It won't help it won't heal if you pick at it. So just don't. Don't and keep don'ting until you don't even think of doing it. Finish the post. Close the computer. Turn off your phone, clean your teeth set your alarm go to sleep and don't. Don't dream of it either. You know how it all ends. So just don't.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Are you lonely looking for yourself out there?

This is called, unsurprisingly, "I Miss". I have a Philosophy SAC tomorrow. School is a bitch sometimes. But hey, holidays in two days :)

I miss thinking love was real.
I miss thinking kisses in the rain were the sexiest things in the world.
I miss the years when 10 o' clock was staying up late and 7 30 was getting up early.
I miss extinguishing candles with my fingers.
I miss sneaking peeks of the girl I liked in the middle of class.
I miss when "just friends" was more than enough.
I miss when chocolate was a guilty pleasure.
I miss going for days without my parents fighting.
I miss being able to talk to my mum without arguing.
I miss being able to see both sides of an argument.
I miss when my brother was the coolest guy I knew.
I miss feeling grown up because I had homework to do.
I miss when the marks didn't matter.
I miss believing that it wasn't whether I won or lost, but only how I played the game.
I miss feeling invincible.
I miss thinking I was smart.
I miss not having to choose between friends.
I miss those years where going over to someone's house was a big event.
I miss being able to bury my head in a book and ignore the world around me, not caring what people thought of me.
I miss being happy about being different instead of worried.
I miss when I didn't care about fitting in, and my mother was my best friend.
I miss standing up for what I thought was right.
I miss caring about my own life.
I miss being sure of my future career.
I miss being afraid of the monsters under the bed and not having any inside me
I miss nighttime being another world, rather than my natural habitat.
I miss wanting to go to sleep, first because I could sleep all I want instead of getting up early, then because sleep was fun rather than a bore, then because I wanted tomorrow to come quicker rather than never at all and finally because I wanted to dream of someone special, not dream of times long past.

I hope that made sense. May I suggest you try it yourself? I had 27 things I've missed, do at least 17. Now for Philosophy. Toodles.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


Isn't this nice? Exams are over and all but one of my assignments are in. In theory, and probably more likely than I think, I can still fail this semester. For now though, It's 130 in the morning and I don't want to think about anything. Thinking is so tiring sometimes. It feels like I get so little real enjoyment out of life these days. I should have gone out tonight, but I stayed home and played games. Now that exams are over I feel like I'm allowed to play games now. I'm not really. When I go through something as tense and stressful as exams, after its over I lose all the tension and fear and I don't do anything. Which would be perfectly fine if I didnt have maths and philosophy tests this week. Let me not think on't.

I wonder about my writing a lot while I type. When I write like this, its kinda like I'm talking to someone. I think I overuse commas and in essays that probably breaks flow or something. I dont actually care, it just worries me. I getting really good at touch typing now (I say as I furiously backspace misspelt words) which is cool. Hmmm.

So yeah, games games games. And its annoying, because now I have all the time I want to play, I don't want to. I've started Duke Nukem Forever - biggest waste of 130 bucks I ever spent - and now I'm stuck at a point in the Black Ops singleplayer, bored with its multiplayer because I suck at it (remind me never to play shooters on consoles) and bored with COD4 as well. I downloaded TF2 now that it's free, but I haven't even launched it yet. What else? Basically I've got a shitload of games and I don't want to play any of them.

When I'm bored I'll often come up with stuff to put up here, and now that I've got a snazzy new phone I can write them down whenever I've got a moment. Here's one I wrote a while back, been meaning to put up:

Maybe it's a little different, wherever you may live, but all the train stations in my city have a yellow line painted near the edge of the platform. The idea, of course, is that you don't cross the yellow line unless you're actually getting in the train. Its a good little rule for mothers to tell their children, but me being me, I don't listen. My favourite thing to do is step past the line as the train gets close to me. The driver looks apprehensive, and then the train rushes past in a torrent of wind and metal. There's this terrifying rush of adrenaline and fear, the knowledge that if I move but a metre forward I will die. The wind makes my eyes water and its almost an effort of will to not jump back, away from this howling monster machine. When you take the train as often as I do, you forget its a hunk of metal going 40 kilometers an hour and you forget how powerless you are against it. Its important to remember that even if we create something, doesn't mean we conntrol it, or are better than it.

I typed all that up during - you guessed it - the train ride home on a program called Evernote. I admit I just copied and pasted from my Evernote account on the computer - its too damn late to type it up.

So yeah, that's all I got to say for my self. I'm now going to go to bed. Or not. With me I can never tell.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Little things.


You know how, when you watch a TV show, or a movie, and the story's great and all, but there's things you don't see, assumed things, vaguely referenced things, things that don't go in a story. Like, in Harry Potter, you don't see every Potions class, or every time Harry practises on his broom stick. You don't see the quick hellos in the hallways, the bedtime chats about whatever Quidditch team Ron goes for (I forget). And it's these things, these assumed, unimportant things, that make reality reality and story story. And sometimes it's these things that make my day - a surprise hi from someone I don't know so well, the quiet contemplation on the way home, a chance compliment or joke. And sometimes it's these things, over time, that ruin my days. The homework left unfinished, the quiet insult in class, the time wasted in unproductive boredom. I think it's these things, these small unimportant moments, are what shape us, what makes us who we are. That's all. At the end of the day Harry and Hermione and Ron and Ginny and all those characters are going to have memories of their big moments, the big things, but the little things, after all that, are what will affect them, without thinking of them at all. I've rambled. This isn't the post I meant to write at all. Interesting. Goodnight.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I wonder if I'll be okay in the end.

I wrote something in my phone, tapping away at the touch screen on a failed trip to my mind. I need to do some homework now I always need to and I know I shouldn't be writing this - I know what I should be doing, so writing something that isn't my Lit essay, or my three English essays feels like giving up. So now I'm hoping praying pleading Joker listen to yourself don't ignore my screams that what I'm writing here will be a trigger for more writing.

So this is what I wrote. I believed it at the time. I haven't changed a word.

Sea of Humanity
I'm tumbling down through a sea of humanity. The realization that nothing actually matters is final and freeing. If nothing matters, then no one matters either. Fairness becomes irrelevant, manners pointless, kindness verges on debilitating. If rudeness is easier than no reason remain to not be rude. If I want something, taking it is only logical. Hatred and jealousy become tools rather than weaknesses and faults. My life becomes my own to do with it what I will. Questions of sanity, reason, etc. are unimportant. Lost in a sea of humanity, humanity itself is increasingly unimportant. 'Common values' drift away, useless in a world bereft of meaning. Bits of me peel off, taken by this reeking bilge water of people. why should I care if I am considered inhuman? Even if I still cared for the opinion of others, I do not wish to be a part of this curse on the earth. Emotions only delay my departure, some remaining desire for companionship only slows my desperate fall. Far better to be alone away from the insane mass of hate, passion, love, indifference, that is society. Any desire I had to be a part of this is long gone. Let [me] be free, or let me die.

No one can control me. By their own misguided laws they cannot touch me. They can take away things from me and I certainly have plenty to lose, but there is nothing to threaten me with, nothing I care for enough to worry about losing. And when they take everything they can and still cannot control me, then I have won.

That's it. If you read it (which I doubt - it's not worth it) then you can see it's bad. Its not clever, or informative or anything important. Just the whining of a spoiled brat not getting what he wants. I do that a lot.

It was my birthday two days ago. I've stopped caring about giving bits of my self away. So you know when my birthday is. Good for you. I'm not stupid enough to allow any of my passwords to have anything to do with anything as basic as my birthday. It's just a date anyway. Birthdays aren't that significant I think. I certainly don't put much by mine. I'm seventeen. I've felt seventeen for a while now.

I can't think of any of the fascinating, interesting things I was going to say. I think I'm trying to reach out, find something that means something. Or someone, more likely. I'm not heartless, I'm not empty, I'm not a monster. I'm just taking a while to get over my broken heart. Pathetic.

I hope I can make it through to the holidays.

Do you know who you are? I doubt it. I'm getting tired of having to care about you.
You don't seem to understand how I feel about you.

I hope you die alone.

Wombat and Sponge:
You guys deserve a better friend than I.

It's funny how the simplest line can start something.

Everyone else, I can't be bothered thinking of something to say.

My new theory (I have a few) is that the idea that we're all going to die because of global warming is one I've grown up with. That the apocalypse is now, and why bother doing anything long term if we're all going to hell in our lifetimes. Is that why I don't care?

 It kills me not to know this,
But I've all but just forgotten,
What the colour of her eyes were,
And her scars or how she got them.
-Savior by Rise Against

I can still remember the words and what they meant
-Audience of One by Rise Against

Do you remember? You stupid bitch you said you cried at what I said. Now we're far apart and aren't you fucking happy.
We're OK!
Until the day we're not.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I have no use for beauty, and beauty has no use for me.

Wow. Two weeks since I last posted. It feels so much less than that. It annoys me in a weird way. So much interesting stuff has happened, but I none of it interesting enough for me to work up the energy to do an in-depth talk through it. I bought Immersion. It was good.

As I get older, it feels as though more and more things are less and less sacred. It makes me sad. I'm fine though. Just a bit tired.

Sin It's Easier.

When I talk to people, sometimes little bits of the real me slip out. It says "Help! I'm still here! I'm still alive!". But my slips are joked away, forgotten beneath a torrent of words. Has lying always been this easy? I don't remember when it wasn't, but I feel like I lie more now.

Wombat asked me, half-jokingly, half-sadly, What happened to the kid who was always on MSN and Facebook? "He died" I replied, without thinking. Then I thought about it. Maybe he is dead. He's certainly not around anymore. Now I've made myself sad. Oh well. Goodnight. Again.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


I'm pretending that I'm still clinging desperately to the sense of contentment I had just hours ago, but in reality my fingers have already slipped from that edge.

My head is full of "what if?"s and "how it used to be"s.
Why can't I just be happy with what I have? People make me feel this way. If I could just lock myself in my room and read all day that would be just fine with me. All I do is hurt people and get hurt. I'm cold and lonely. And this loneliness can't be cured, because it never leaves completely. I don't know how to connect with people.

If this loneliness won't leave I'd like to be properly alone instead. Please.

She did it again. And I let her.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

150 times I've opened my heart and bled onto the screen.

I kept trying to to make a really good 150th post to commemorate it, but if I just keep waiting the pressure will keep piling up and I'll never do one I'll think is good enough. Instead, here's a post to commemorate my 150th post. As I write this I think that it'd be a good idea to talk about what's happened in 150 posts. *opens blog in new tab*

I started this blog a year and a half ago for the simple reason that the girl I liked told me to. I'm a simple guy at heart :).
This blog has seen, and seen me through, so many things. Commence Download has watched my love for music and metal grow, my first girlfriend come and go, it's seen me make friends and lose them, fall in love and out again. It's seen my discovery of We Heart It and blogging (obviously). It's been here while I played Minecraft and COD and it's still been here when I stopped. It's seen me excel and fail, worry and relax. I've regretted things written here and I've been proud of them too. I've hated myself here, and loved everything as well. What it shows is not me, in truth, but a version of me. A me I would hope to be, a me that the world can see and judge. It doesn't hold my every thought, secret or creation. It holds things I wouldn't tell people normally. Here (and in the internet in general) I create my own identity, based on the merits of what I say and do online, rather than how I look, or talk, or act. This blog isn't perfect, and I probably end up telling half-truths to make myself look better. This blog, in the end, is the evolution of a year and a half of... me. I don't know how to put it better than that.
Hope you like this blog, but if you don't, it doesn't matter.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Music stuff


What I think the opening lyrics are:
As we live in these dark days,
Filled with violence, opposition and hate,
There lies a place of saving grace,
Protected in the hearts of the humble,
The faithful, the ones who chose the path of resistance,
To protest, reject and proclaim, that our lives are not in vain,
In flesh, in spirit eternal,
One love.
One truth.
One destiny.
The actual opening lyrics:
As we live in these dark days
filled with violence, opposition and hate.
There lies a place of saving grace
Protected in the hearts of the humble
The faithful, the ones who choose the path of resistance to protest
Protect, save, proclaim our lives lived not in vain.
In flesh, in spirit eternal
One love, One truth, One destiny.

I was close.

Music I've found since my last music post (early March):
I Need A Doctor by Dr Dre featuring Eminem and Skylar Grey. I've kinda gotten tired of this now cause I listened to it so much but it is a really good song. I love the energy and emotion that Eminem injects into this song. Maybe that's just me.
 Coming Home by Diddy/Dirty Money featuring Skylar Grey.
Song of Storms Dubstep Remix by Ephixa. Song of Storms being from Zelda (I've never played it). Dubstep isn't bad, so check it out if you're a fan. Maybe you'll hate it.
The Grid and Derezzed off the Tron: Legacy soundtrack. Daft Punk did the score, they're good tracks.
Bullet With Butterfly Wings by (The?) Smashing Pumpkins. Go and listen to it right now. Freaking awesome.
Jolene by Dolly Parton. A classic. I don't like it that much but whatevs.
Disturbia by Rihanna. Fun song.
Insomnia by Faithless. "I can't get no sleep". Very good song.
Dance With The Devil by Immortal Technique. Disturbing, but powerful rap music.
Hurricane by 30 Seconds To Mars. Awesome video, awesome song.
Bye Bye Beautiful and Amiranth by Nightwish. Amazing. Heavy metal with a female vocalist. Works really well.
Cradle of Filth's cover of Hallowed Be Thy Name by Iron Maiden. I love it.
The Sea is Rising and a bunch of other stuff by Bliss n Eso.
Through the Glass by Stone Sour.
Screaming Bloody Murder by Sum 41.
The Time (Dirty Bit) and Just Can't Get Enough by The Black Eyed Peas.
Kings of Metal, Die with Honour, Warriors of the World by Manowar. I just love these guys for some reason, they make me feel really positive and optimistic.

That's all for now. I need to get some Hammerfall and Helloween (and more Manowar and Hatebreed), but that'll come later.
My next post is my 150th, so I might do something special. We'll see.

Monday, April 25, 2011

These fingerless gloves hide the backs of my hands, 'til I don't know what I know anymore.

I'm in Canberra and it's late so I can't be bothered going through every uninteresting thing I've done here. I've been through a kaleidoscope (yay spellchecker) of emotions and I don't know where I'm going. I know I'm tired though, but I feel like talking.

I've been thinking a lot, and while I've depressed myself I've also thought up some interesting stuff. For example, I came up with the title of this post and I'm completely immodest when I say that I think it's an awesome line. I've been meaning to write some songs, but I haven't got around to it. I doubt I ever will.

Good news is I've found heaps of awesome metal. Hammerfall, Manowar, Hatebreed, Helloween, all really good. My kinda metal. When I get home I'm gonna have a lot of downloading to do. And some more albums to add to my list.

I beat Portal 2 by the way. Fun game. Beat the co-op with a friend and now I'm looking at finishing some achievements. I've completely ignored my homework while I'm here, so fuck that.

I've been considering every option, and I think that I can't be bothered changing the course I'm on. I have no desire to "take control of my destiny" or whatever. 
 I thought about making a new blog, to talk about interesting stuff where no-one knows me and I can just vent and discuss "touchy" subjects without fear of..what's the word I'm looking for? Retribution I spose, but it doesnt really fit. Anyway, I won't. I can't be bothered starting it and I know I won't keep it updated.

So I can't remember why I originally started this post, I'm quite tired. I'll be back, with more coherent thoughts to express.

Win By Any Means Necessary

Sunday, April 17, 2011


I'm trying so desperately to hold on to how I felt yesterday. I was in this good place and everything was okay and nothing hurt. And today was a good day but I'm tired and alone and I just don't care for you my thoughts.

I don't want to go back to how I was. I don't want to go to sleep.  

I fucking hate being alone. But some things have to end.
I fucking hate being alone.
This sucks.

Great. Now I'm fucking depressed again. And I was feeling so fucking good. Today I woke up okay, went to a birthday picnic with some guys from school and ate lots of crap food and enjoyed myself mostly. I've had better picnics. Or maybe I'm just telling myself I didn't like it. Then, feeling tired and sick, I went to my Mum's birthday dinner, ate nothing because I felt sick and tired then came home and got more and more pissed off. I don't know. I should probably go to bed. Don't they say never go to bed angry?

I'd like to say nothing can cheer me up right now but I'm not going to cause it sounds emo and depressing. This is so bullshit.

I'll just leave this post all mopey and depressing and you can just ignore it. Please do. I'm not always like this.

 I'm such a freaking dumbass.

Friday, April 15, 2011

What I'm waiting for

  1. Portal 2, out in 5 days
  2. Duke Nukem Forever, out June 10
  3. Batman Arkham City, out October 19th
  4. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, out May 20
  5. Running on Air by Bliss n Eso
  6. The Sickness 10th Anniversary Edition by Disturbed
  7. Slipknot 10th Anniversary Edition by Slipknot
  8. A Thousand Suns by Linkin Park
  9. Screaming Bloody Murder by Sum 41
  10. The chance to read the entire Sandman series
  11. Inheritance, the last book in the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini
  12. A change for the better
  13. Something that makes me whole
  14. Someone new
  15. Something worth living for
  16. Something worth dying for
  17. Something worth waiting for