Sunday, October 24, 2010


Sometimes my head shakes inside with thoughts and feelings and emotions and they either make me want to cry or scream. Sometimes they wash over me lightly, make me high with dopamine and happiness. Sometimes I'm crushed under they're weightless mass and I want to vomit and hit my head against a wall until they go away. I hate being alone for too long. Being around my friends keeps me sane (sort of). I can't find what I need if I don't know what it is.

I want to cry into a mirror and feel someones arms holding me tight to keep me safe from my mind.

I want to say I love you and hear it whispered back, when I'm not sure if I mean it and they know they do.

I know its kind of strange to bare myself so readily on the internet, the worst place to do it really.
But I feel that I will one day appreciate this record of my teenage years. I wanted to start keeping a diary for a long time, but never got round to it. So this is my diary I guess.
And I may be putting my thoughts and feelings where anyone can see them, but the point is, you don't know who I am. People who have never met me can't ridicule me in the street if they don't know what I look like. Sure, you could find my name and IP and everything else with a bit of effort, but I doubt anyone would bother that much just to hurt someone.
Exams are coming soon and I'm looking forward to them a bit. Hopefully I'll be ready for them in time.
Lots of things are coming up soon. On the 28th Fable 3 comes out-Ive already preordered it. On the 31st a game called Minecraft gets a major update and on the 8th exams start. On the 9th Call Of Duty Black Ops arrives and on the 12th exams finish. On the 14th or 16th Assassin's Creed Brotherhood hits stores-that's already preordered as well. And then I'm free for the 8 weeks until next year starts.

I think I'm ultimately a positive person. I will get through this crap. I bet its just teen hormones. That kind of makes me sad though. That one day I won't be able to get high from happiness anymore. This post is all over the place.

Once upon a time there lived a boy doesn't matter what his name was. Anyway, this boy started reading when he was six and fell in love with it. He devoured books. Every day in primary school he would go out to lunch and instead of playing he would sit on a bench and read. He didn't care what the other kids thought of him, he probably didn't even think about them. When this boy got older though, he started looking up from his books more often and wondered about what the other children did while he read.
So he somehow started hanging out with the cool boys, though he still read a lot. And he liked the cool boys and when he graduated primary school he was sad that he was leaving his friends.
He went to his high school with fond memories of his primary school and met new kids. As time went on, he very slowly made new friends at high school. But as he did, he thought about his old friends and decided they weren't his friends at all. And he remembered the times they were mean to him and realised that they were mean boys.
So he kept his new friends and forgot his old ones, who had long forgotten him.
After two years in high school, he moved schools, but he made sure to keep him high school friends. And some of them slowly weren't friends anymore, but he worked to keep the important ones and even made new friends from his old school and plenty from his new school and even some from outside school. And suddenly the boy had lots of friends and he was going out and doing things and he wasn't popular but he was a long way from the little boy who sat on a bench and read a book at lunchtime and had no friends (though it must be said that the little boy cared not one bit about that).
So there was this boy, with friends from two schools and outside school. Then he heard about a friend from his primary school. And this boy, with all his prejudices about his primary school, hated this boy from so long ago. But he met the boy and liked him and he met another boy from his primary school and he wasn't bad either. And the primary school "friend" admitted he'd been mean in primary school and the boy took a look at his current friendships and the ones fading away and the new ones growing and thought about how many more would appear. And he realised that people change and that he had changed and he was sad. And that he was older and smarter and less accepting and more opinionated and stronger and weaker and he missed the days when he didn't care what people thought and the days when all it took to be happy was a book to read.
And he lived the rest of his life. But every so often he would wonder if he had been as happy as he told himself he had been or if he had been happy and unhappy in balance like he was now.

Its interesting how you can throw a boy into a wall and punch another as hard as you can because you were so angry at them and two years later play alongside them in a cricket game for the simple reason that one of them was on the team and needed players and you were friends and that was what you did and if you didn't he would understand and forget about it but you would be the one who felt bad. I think I've made a few life long friends. I certainly hope so. though I might not be a very good one it seems.
Thats us alright.
I think real friends are the ones who will talk through their problems with each other if its necessary, or be able to forget them if they arent important. or something.

I don't know how to finish this post off, so here's to best friends.
Perhaps the picture and not the whole post.

Sorry about the small font size. Sorry for bothering you. Congratulations for reading this far. You can go now. Really. Its okay. I'm signing off now. Bye. Go on, off you go. I'm just waiting for you to go first. OK. Night.


Sloth said...

wow its great
so true about the boys lol
i dont think fable 3 or AC brotherhood will be that great
but i probs might get them anyway
original fable was the best play that!

Camelgirl said...

' But every so often he would wonder if he had been as happy as he told himself he had been or if he had been happy and unhappy in balance like he was now.'
Story of my life.

s.k.y said...

you have no idea how much i love reading your writing

Dandalily said...

get out of my brain.

Áine said...

yeah I like your posts. Always so honest