Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Feed him to the hungry rats for dinner.

I thought I was biting my nails so much from stress, but now my exams are over and I'm still biting them. I have a fake Zippo lighter my dad found in the street and I started flicking it instead of biting, so maybe I just need something to keep my hands busy. Why did I even write this :P.

So exams are over, but instead of all the free time I thought I'd be relaxing in, I'm constantly busy. Getting up at 11 everyday will do that I guess. Well at least I'm usually busy with stuff I'm enjoying, like watching movies with CG (or trying to at least), or reading. I just feel like I have no time, my schedule is so full until January, and then I'll hopefully be working. And half the time when I'm sitting at home I don't want to play half the games I've got, so that's annoying. I have some books now (the Gone series) but I can't borrow stuff out of the school library for much longer, which sucks.

I'm eating TimTams all the time and worrying about the state of my teeth, but I have the money and I like buying them.

Ok, so my exams. English sucked, Further went well (only dropped one mark on the first exam I think) Psych went okayish I think, Lit sucked and I hate how badly it went actually fuck. IT didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but all the revision I did ended up helping I think. Wish I'd done more practice exams though.
I have a new computer, which I'm using right now, the keyboard is just a delight to use you have no idea. I kinda don't like the monitor though, I think it's not very good but I'm not sure.

And now I'm sitting here listening to Don't Take Your Love Away by Vast at 345 in the morning because I feel like going to bed is a waste but now my morning is going to be gone and urgh. Plus I have to work at Mum's tomorrow and it was so tiring just doing a bit of it today.

And I'm an emotional wreck this late at night, like always, going crazy and not doing anything, what else is new. Put me inside flesh that is dying, a ghost that wanders without rest.
What else. I'm not even excited for the future, just accepting that it's going to happen. And I'm caught between regret for the things I"ll miss out on and the regret I feel after I do participate in things only because I don't want to miss out on them.

I'm really tired, really stupid, really distracted. But I'm not lonely, for all the wrong reasons. Two months is both too long and too short. I don't know where I want my social life to go, and I realise that for all the time our teachers spend on making sure we make good career choices, I was never taught how to tell the good people from the bad, people I should keep forever and those I should leave behind. I wish someone had taught me how to talk to girls, and boys, instead of having to figure things out on my own, too scared of being wrong to take any risks.

Oh, and I keep smiling at people in the street. Does that mean I'm happy?
And her name still makes my heart jump, but there's nothing left but the fear.

(And that dress was criminal)

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