I either feel to little or too much and right now I don't know which.

So..
By the time I've finished writing this paragraph, someone in the world will have been born, someone will have died, someone will have fallen in love and someone will have had their heart broken and I don't know how to feel about this.

A letter to me.

So..
Dear me,
I'm writing you a letter, as a friend, to tell you that life's worth living. I know right now you're bored, confused and ambivalent, but honestly, who knows what will happen. There's more to life that what you're doing now, and you only get to do it all once. It's worth taking risks, worth enjoying yourself, worth being happy. I know (because I'm you) that you feel like you have no goals, no dreams to strive towards and so my answer is: Get some! Try out things you don't even like, just find something to work at. And get off the bloody computer sometimes.
Oh, and Happy Halloween.

Love,
me.


P.S. Your jokes are hilarious, you're just too clever for everyone else -.-.

Just dropping in to pick up the pieces I left on your living room floor.

So..
I've been trying to get to bed super early (like 9pm) because I have to get up early each day for uni and once it gets past 11 and moves towards 12 everything just overwhelms me and I need to sleep to escape. I get a week break starting Friday though.

Sorry I've been so far away.

John Mayer's voice tho.

I can't get over how much I love Lana Del Rey's voice.

So..

Forgotten memories flow with the tide.

So..
I wanted to do a post, but I want to go to bed more, so instead here's a song and three drafts I've had saved for way too long.

1.) I'm happy in a sick twisted sort of way. I feel like all I've been doing the last few days is fight with the people I care about, my friends, my parents. I lost my shit at Mum after she cleaned my room, harassed Dad when he was already under stress - and I feel like I've grown further apart from him recently. I haven't changed at all. Still such a silly little child.

2.) I forgot that the idea of one true love is bogus for most of the last 6 months. Which isn't a bad thing. Far better is the thought that there are a thousand true loves for each of us and we only have to find one of them.

3.) How low does your self-esteem have to be that you don't even realise assuring someone you're not thinking of them could possibly be a bad thing.

No no.

So..

3:10 am, 11 June, 1994.

So..
19 years and 16 minutes ago I was pulled out of my mother's stomach in an emergency Ceasarean section.
Most days, really, that's good enough.

Happy Birthday to me.
Now to go back into the womb, or as you might call it "sleeping".

I have nothing to give.

So..

How did it take me 3 months to find this? Sorry if I'm behind.

I wish I could talk about something, maybe sort out my head, but what I really should be doing is going to bed and getting up early to do my programming assignment like a good uni student.

To be honest I just wish I had someone to sleep next to. Oh well.

Good night.
Sweet dreams.

Music I listened to today, in order.

So..
The Islander - Nightwish
Oh now his love's a memory a ghost in the fog
He sets the sails one last time saying farewell to the world
Anchor to the water, seabed far below
Grass still in his feet and a smile beneath his brow.

Last of the Wilds - Nightwish
*Instrumental*

7 Days to the Wolves - Nightwish
Light the fire, feast
Chase the ghosts, give in
Take the road less travelled by
Leave the city of fools
Turn every poet loose.

The Poet and the Pendulum - Nightwish
Search for beauty, find your shore
Try to save them all, bleed no more
You have such oceans within
In the end
I will always love you.

Rammlied - Rammstein
Wer wartet mit Besonnenheit
Der wird belohnt zur rechten Zeit
Nun, das Warten hat ein Ende
Leiht euer Ohr einer Legende

National Anthem - Lana Del Rey
Blurring the lines
Between real and the fake
Dark and lonely
I need somebody to hold me.

Summertime Sadness - Lana Del Rey
Kiss me hard before you go
Summertime sadness
I just wanted you to know
That baby you're the best.

God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash
Go tell that long-tongued liar
Go and tell that midnight rider
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back-biter
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.

Man in Black - Johnny Cash
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime
But is there cause he's a victim  of the times

This is such incredibly bad writing I apologise, feel free to not read it.

So..
A boy walks along a path. For miles he walks, but he never tires, is never bored. Around him the scenery is constantly in flux, colors racing across the sky, the ground sprouting trees which become buildings, then mountains then deserts and forest, but the path never deviates. For miles he walks, until he comes to a point where pale, transparent shapes twist in the air in front of him and he can walk no further. The boy stops.
"Will you love me?" The boy asks the shapes.
"Yes" says one, but the boy does not know which, for all the shapes are moving constantly and through each other.
"Yes" says another, then it too is gone.
"Yes" say two together, then a third joins in "Yesyesyesyesyesyes
yes

yes

yes                 ysyess

yes 

yes yesyesyes

They twist and turn in the air before him, their yes's overlapping and criss-crossing in the air. Desperate, the boy snatches at the air, but as soon as his fingertips brush one of the shapes. 

They

            all 

                     just

disappear.

Confused, the boy slowly resumes walking. The path has not changed, but the boy is sure something is different.

overhead.  

Black goes the sky, then grey, then blue. A single cloud drifts               

The boy has been walking a while. The day is bright and he is content. He has his eyes closed, humming some nameless tune, when he bumps into something in his path.

There's                    

                                a 

                                                    bronze 

p

i

l

l

a

r

right in the middle of the path.

The sides of the pillar are constantly rippling, seemingly molten, but when the boy, tentatively, lays the palm of his hand against the metal, it is firm to the touch, and warm from the afternoon sunlight.

"Will you love me?" the boy says into the warm bronze.

The metal under his hand grows hotter in response to his question.

This is good enough for the boy. He sits, resting his head against pillar, letting the sun beat down on his face. Warm, happy and loved, the boy slowly falls asleep.

When he wakes, he is on the ground. Scared, he looks around for his pillar. 

At first he thinks it is gone, but as he stands he notices a small rock on the path where he had been lying. A tiny rock, no bigger than an apple seed, made of bronze.

Now the sky is pink. In his pocket the boy carries with him his tiny pillar, wondering if it will get larger again. 

He takes it out and looks at it again. It has been a long time since he last stopped walking, the boy realises, though he knows time has little meaning where he is.

The boy stares at the rock, willing it to grow large, so it takes him some time to notice the light tugging on his collar. When he finally looks up, he is surprised to see that before him stands a figure made of pure, liquid gold.

From the gold figure's side sprout two approximations of arms, ending in two tiny hooks it has been trying to use to gain his attention. It is supported on two stumpy legs and it's head is a strange dome shape without a neck. As the boy watches, the figure starts to shake and quiver and in one sudden movement it sprang into the air. 

Down 

up

and 

 it went and with each bounce the golden figure's limbs ran together and its head sank into its chest and finally all that remained were two sparkling eyes in a constantly moving, golden ball. 

The boy held out his hand and the ball landed in it.

"Will you love me?" he asked the ball, and it bounded out of his hand, leaping up and down around him. Pleased, the boy ran and the ball kept pace until finally he couldn't run any further and he collapsed, gasping for breathe. The ball bounced lazily beside him, its two eyes staring at him inquisitively.

But now that he had run so far and so fast, he suddenly felt tired. The boy struggled to keep awake, for he didn't want to lose the ball like he'd lost the pillar, but the sky went black and his eyes would not stay open.

And sure enough, when he woke, the ball had become as small as a speck of dust and it's eyes were no longer visible, but it still shined like gold.

The boy picked up the tiny gold ball and put it in his pocket.

And he kept on walking, down the path that seemingly had no end, with the sky and landscape shifting all around him.

Epilogue

A young man walks along a path. For miles he walks, but he never tires, is never bored. Around him the scenery is constantly in flux, colors racing across the sky, the ground sprouting deserts and forests which become mountains, then buildings, then trees, but the path never deviates. For miles he walks, until he comes to a point where another path intersects his own. The man has never see a crossroads before, and he sits, wondering which way he should go. As he sits, he takes small things from his pockets, too small for anyone to see except him, and he polishes them, or admires them in the light, throws things up to catch or simply closes his eyes and is still.

He glances along the crossroads again and sees something moving, far off in the distance. Content to wait, he relaxes, watching the sky and a solitary cloud that drifts overhead.

Finally, a young woman arrives at the crossing. The young man, does not know what to say, he has never met her like before.

"Will you love me?" she asks him.

We swim in different oceans but arrive at the same shore.

So..
The disabling fear of failure and rejection I seem to have has held me back my entire life, not only in relationships, but hobbies, schoolwork, friendship and jobs.

But then again, I'm terribly afraid I'm making molehills out of mosquitos.

Bioshock Infinite has completely changed my perspective on my life.

Still not motivated though.

The truths we do tell

So..
I just found out I have four draft posts on Blogger, so I thought I'd mash em all together and add some new stuff for this one. The first mentions Coheed and Cambria's Pearl of the Stars. Which I am now listening to.
The second was an old attempt at writing a "what I've been doing" post. It mentions my ATAR (82.40) and expressed concern for whether I'd get into my first or second uni preference (I got my first), expressed my enduring sadness that CG is gone *cries* noting that I went on holiday to Queensland, watched New Girl, Fight Club (again), finished Daria :( and finished reading The Book Thief - which my dad promptly stole, the wanker. Oh, and it noted that I didn't terribly enjoy New Years Eve at SD's. Which is sad. But I never really enjoy New Years all that much.
The third of my draft posts expresses excitement for Soundwave,extols Macklemore's album The Heist and recommends this song, which coincidentally was on the TV at the party I went to last night. So there's that.
Oh, and it notes that, what with uni and all my friends going in different directions, I can't help but feel that I'm growing up when I don't want to.
My final draft post is two things. The first is a list of things to do when CG comes home, the second is a rhetorical question:

How low does your self-esteem have to be for you to not even realise how assuring someone you're not thinking of them could possibly be a bad thing?

Now.

To do (in no particular order):

1. Talk to my mother again

2. Eat a muffin

3. Clean my room

4. Organise my new filing system

5. Do my first batch of uni homework

6. Do some housework

7. Get 10 hours sleep one night

8. Spend less time on the net

9. Read more

10. Watch Community

11. Get some exercise

12. Have more skype calls

13. Organise my work desk.

14. Change my bedsheets

15. Earn some money

16. Get a concession ticket.

17. Argue less

18. Forgive more (including myself)

19. Eat healthier

20. Be happy

Radio silence

So..
I'm leaving for my first day at uni in an hour. I'm not scared, anxious or excited. I'm curious about what it's going to be like though. February was a whole lot of nothing, from memory, although Soundwave was last Friday. I got badly sunburnt, listened to some good bands and generally enjoyed myself. More on that later. I had a good dream last for the first time since god knows when, and I finally have a proper sleep cycle.

Live not just survive.

So..
This is just a small update post, sorry I haven't in a while. I had an okay Christmas and New Years. I think I say this every year (I'm not going to check for once) but New Year's is never amazing for me and I think it's because I keep thinking something extraordinary is going to happen and it never does. I can't help but give in to the public hype, despite my own cynical attitude to the whole celebration. I spent it with friends so I guess it was a good one. New Year's day I headed to Queensland for a week and stayed with some of my Dad's friends. I got pretty bored at times there, but I filled my days for the most part. After I came back to Melbourne, I've just been trying to get a job (in the most roundabout way possible). I've gone to Sponge's a few times, saw Full Metal Jacket (good movie) and The Road to El Dorado (cause why not). Other than that I've just been hanging out at home thinking about all the games I could play (my poor Steam account has barely been touched) books I could be reading (I miss my school library) and movies/tv shows I could be watching (I miss Hime). Right now I'm writing this post with Wombat and Sponge sleeping over, which is nice I guess.

I've been staying up, having too many all-nighters. I hate doing it, because I feel like I wasted the whole of the next day sleeping. With that in mind, I'll probably go to bed soon. If I can find somewhere to sleep...
So now I'm just surfing the net, thinking about yellow roses and how I really need to read One The Road, some Vonnegut and Nietzsche. Consider this a reminder.

Well, Goodnight.