Secrets

So..
Hold all your secrets inside. Hold them, crush them, pretend you can control them. Suppress them, bury them, blind yourself to their whispers. You're pathetic, you're evil, you're cold, desperate, clinging, falling. Hold your secrets inside boy, until the pressure makes you explode, until you crack, your mind splinters, your heart breaks. Until you lash out, you kill your emotions, your friends, your pain.

Steal their secrets from them boy. Take them, never tell the truth of what you know, what you've done. Keep things from them boy, lie to their face, pretend its nothing.

Pretend you're not pathetic, mean, cruel, indifferent. Be normal, for a while, until you crack under the pressure again.



This post does not convey what I wanted it to.

Feed him to the hungry rats for dinner.

So..
I thought I was biting my nails so much from stress, but now my exams are over and I'm still biting them. I have a fake Zippo lighter my dad found in the street and I started flicking it instead of biting, so maybe I just need something to keep my hands busy. Why did I even write this :P.

So exams are over, but instead of all the free time I thought I'd be relaxing in, I'm constantly busy. Getting up at 11 everyday will do that I guess. Well at least I'm usually busy with stuff I'm enjoying, like watching movies with CG (or trying to at least), or reading. I just feel like I have no time, my schedule is so full until January, and then I'll hopefully be working. And half the time when I'm sitting at home I don't want to play half the games I've got, so that's annoying. I have some books now (the Gone series) but I can't borrow stuff out of the school library for much longer, which sucks.

I'm eating TimTams all the time and worrying about the state of my teeth, but I have the money and I like buying them.

Ok, so my exams. English sucked, Further went well (only dropped one mark on the first exam I think) Psych went okayish I think, Lit sucked and I hate how badly it went actually fuck. IT didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but all the revision I did ended up helping I think. Wish I'd done more practice exams though.
I have a new computer, which I'm using right now, the keyboard is just a delight to use you have no idea. I kinda don't like the monitor though, I think it's not very good but I'm not sure.

And now I'm sitting here listening to Don't Take Your Love Away by Vast at 345 in the morning because I feel like going to bed is a waste but now my morning is going to be gone and urgh. Plus I have to work at Mum's tomorrow and it was so tiring just doing a bit of it today.

And I'm an emotional wreck this late at night, like always, going crazy and not doing anything, what else is new. Put me inside flesh that is dying, a ghost that wanders without rest.
What else. I'm not even excited for the future, just accepting that it's going to happen. And I'm caught between regret for the things I"ll miss out on and the regret I feel after I do participate in things only because I don't want to miss out on them.

I'm really tired, really stupid, really distracted. But I'm not lonely, for all the wrong reasons. Two months is both too long and too short. I don't know where I want my social life to go, and I realise that for all the time our teachers spend on making sure we make good career choices, I was never taught how to tell the good people from the bad, people I should keep forever and those I should leave behind. I wish someone had taught me how to talk to girls, and boys, instead of having to figure things out on my own, too scared of being wrong to take any risks.

Oh, and I keep smiling at people in the street. Does that mean I'm happy?
And her name still makes my heart jump, but there's nothing left but the fear.


(And that dress was criminal)

In two months, I won't remember what this post is about.

So..
Normally, I sit at my computer and talk to maybe one person online a day on average. So when I'm trying to help 4 people at once, in the middle of exams, confused as hell, I have to resort to desperate measures. Like singing along to Nothing Else Matters by Metallica.


Later....
 If I held you in my arms any longer I'm afraid I would have kissed you and that can't happen.

I miss you, I'm not gonna crack

I love you, I'm not gonna crack

-Nirvana, Lithium

I been thinking about you baby

So..
Apart from the (renewed) soul-crushing realisation of my depressing life and general inadequacy that descended upon me between 7pm and 11pm 12pm tonight, I had a rather good day today. Got some work done, excitedly examined new computer parts, sold school books and had a fulfilling dinner for once. So go away Mr Soul crushing realisation, I want to sleep. Here's something beautiful to listen to.

P.S. Oh yeah, and exams and stuff. Whatever.
P.P.S. Why do I have to have such a stupid brain.

P.P.P.S. I don't need this three days before my last exam.

365 hours

So..

• One hundred and twenty nine and a half hours ago I was about to leave my house to catch a train to school.
• One hundred and twenty seven and a half hours ago I was about to walk into my first exam, English.
• One hundred and twenty four and a quarter hours ago I was putting down my pen and realising that while I had enjoyed writing my last essay, my exam was not going to get good marks.
• One hundred and one hours ago I was walking into my first Maths exam, feeling confident.
• Ninety nine and a half hours ago I was finding out from friends which questions I got wrong on the exam, happy and sure that I did well.
• Thirty and three quarter hours ago I was at school, angry at myself for not revision during the weekend and worried about my Psychology exam.
• Thirty hours ago I was walking into my second Maths exam.
• Twenty nine and a quarter hours ago I was putting down my pen, upset that I'd barely finished the exam and certain I'd got some things wrong.
• Twenty eight and three quarter hours ago I was haphazardly going over material for my Psychology exam, certain I was going to do terribly.
• Twenty six hours ago I was walking into my Pyschology exam, worried and upset.
• Twenty four and a quarter hours ago I was finishing my Pyschology exam, pleased with what I'd done but unsure of my results.
• Three hours ago I promised my dad I'd do some work today.
• In sixty six and three quarter hours, I will be walking into my Literature exam, annoyed that I'm not going to do well and worried I'm not going to get into my course because I didn't study enough.
• In sixty nine hours I'll be walking out of my Literature exam, content with what I've written but certain it won't get me a good mark.
• In seventy two hours I'll be at home, spoiled for choice over which computer part to order first.
• In two hundred and thirty eight hours I'll be walking in to my IT exam, relieved that my exam period is about to be over and hoping desperately to do well in my final exam.
• In two hundred and forty and a quarter hours I'll have finished my IT exam, happy that I did well and hoping I get a high mark.
• In two hundred and forty three I'll be opening boxes and drooling over the parts to my new computer, with all my exams forgotten for a time.