Christmas thoughts

So..
Every year around Christmas I open the letter box, take out a Christmas card or two and imagine myself 30 years from now sitting alone at home without a single card because I never made the effort.

Every year at Christmas I think of how my grandfather died, sitting at the table on Christmas day with his entire family around him and I hope to die as well as he did.

Every year around Christmas I imagine kissing a beautiful girl at midnight on New Years Eve.

Every year at Christmas, as I sit down to the dinner table with my mum, dad, brother, grandmother and assorted cousins I wonder if I'll ever see it from where my dad does.

Every year at Christmas I eat until I'm full and stay up late.

Every year at Christmas I feel a little sad that another year has gone by.

Every year after Christmas I hardly bother making a new years resolution, because I've never thought it was that important to do.

Posts, Jealousy, Realisations, Letters and Music

So..
I'm back! I know that I'm posting about the time I normally would be, considering my posts have been a lot more spaced out over the last few months. But making the decision to not blog made me realise how much I've come to depend on Commence Download. As a kind of personal therapy, to vent my frustrations and sadness. And I have plenty to write so I'll most likely forget it all.

Nothing interesting to note, I'm now using the new post layout, thank you Aoife.
I note that I haven't had any new followers in a long while. I suspect many of my old ones have stopped reading also, I know if you follow heaps of blogs you tend to skip reading the boring ones. I only follow people who follow me, which probably is responsible for my low follower numbers. I don't mind too much as I don't usually (read never) talk about blogs in the real world, so its hard to get jealous of people with high follower numbers.

Speaking of jealousy, I realised quite soon after my last post (or possible slightly before it) that I am a jealous person. A part of me knew that fact but I only recently actually voiced the fact, made it a conscious realisation. I'm jealous of people with iPhones, I'm jealous of guys with girlfriends, I;m jealous of motivated people, I'm jealous of people with money, I've jealous of constantly happy people (they're probably covering for something but how would I know?). I'm jealous of handsome men, sexy men, friends, enemies, acquaintances etc.
The people I'm most jealous of, regularly and without fail, are people who get to interact with whoever my crush is at that time. People (particularly guys of course) who get to see, talk to, laugh at, laugh with, smile at, get smiled at, piss of, comfort, kiss, hug and whatever with my crush.

God I hate that word. Crush sounds so childish, like I'm a 8 year old with a crush on the girl next to me in class. Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it; 'my love' is too..personal and adult. It would make me sound like a 17 year old who thinks he's met the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with.

Anyway. Where was I, oh yeah. So having a crush sucks major balls. I want them to laugh, cry, kiss, hug etc etc only with me. Which is kinda hard when you go to an all boys school and your current crush lives 100 kilometers away. Not the happiest circumstances.

And yes, I still like my ex-girlfriend. So what? happens all the time. I'll get over it eventually, and everything was fine until I told her a few days ago. Now I'm not sure what's going to happen. 'Just friends' would be fine thank you very much. Why can't girls handle it when you tell them you like them? I didn't even say I loved her, I said "I might not love you, but I have a major crush". I ranting a bit. Wish I hadn't said major, that sounds weird. Anyway.

I'm fine though, I'll live. Such things pass. I actually decided to make a post because I wanted to do something a bit different and write some letters. They're quite personal, so we'll see how far I'm willing to go.

First up,

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,

The thing that bugs me the most, is that we had a pathetic relationship. Honestly our "relationship" went for two months and consisted of one date, one time I went to the footy with you and your parents (nice people by the way) and lots of long conversations ending in "I love you" I think you might have meant it at the start. But that, my dear, is not a relationship. You know what I think? I think I was safe. Easy to deal with, far away, completely impersonal.

And then you broke up with me. I was expecting it, I got over it. We didn't talk for a while and then somehow we did. It the last two weeks I've learned a lot about you. And I know now you have
problems like everyone else along with some special ones of your own.

I can't get angry with you. I can't get angry because if I'm wrong and you do care all I would achieve is hurting a good friend.

Love Jokerman

Next please.

Dear Hime,
Good friends, then not. Then avoiding and downcast eyes. I thought you were beautiful, but inside just ain't that pretty sometimes. Sorry we fell apart, wish I could have known you better.
I can't say more so,

Goodbye, Jokerman

Those were the two I wanted to write. You see, when I'm bored I make up stories in my head, conversations I wish could happen and and ones I hope don't. Things I'm going to write for the blog, or things to put in it. Fantasizing about life you could say.

I bought Slipknot's album Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses recently. There's some good stuff on there, but my new favourite is the last track on the album "Danger - Keep Away". It's..eerie. Good listening for a night like this, dark, forbidding. Unintelligible whispers are followed by "we do feel alone, we do feel alone" opening the track. Listen to it, we all have time on the holidays. Turn the lights down, lower the volume so you have to strain a little to hear it. Close the blinds, stick in some earplugs and close your eyes. Maybe you won't like it. It doesn't get as loud as some of their other stuff, which is good.

Other songs I've picked up are Shakira's two hits "Whenever, Wherever" and "Hips Don't Lie". I make no excuses for my musical tastes. Also "Wild At Heart" another Birds of Tokyo song. Fun to hear.

"Na Na Na" and "Sing" by My Chemical Romance are both good, the first for the sound the second for the lyrics.


What else is there? I've forgotten things I wanted to say. This will do, thank you, and good night.

a break?

So..
I think I might give blogger a break for a bit. I bet I'll be back tomorrow, but in case I'm not, I'll see you soon I'm sure.

The problem is, I'm very good at breaking my heart.

He's not a boy that you can change

So..
I'm trying to not to constantly make thinly disguised posts about 'her' - whoever 'she' may be. Along with the tedium it creates for my lovely followers and the inanity of it all, it feels demeaning that I have to have someone to crush on to feel as if my life as any special meaning. Why can't I be like other guys at school, apparently enjoying what there is to enjoy - good food, good friends, keeping busy, keeping healthy. I had a brief period over the last two months or so where I did manage to be happy, or content, with what I have. Now.. I don't like writing this. I want to write something interesting, something to make you think, laugh, form a tear, talk about.
My mind can acknowledge the truth, but it doesn't mean I believe it.
I'm confused. Its 1139, we heart it is down so no pictures - isn't a dependence on a site like that ridiculous. I'm a guy, I'm meant to be sex-crazed, emotionless, strong...what else? And sometimes I am those things, but so often I just want someone to love me, to hold, so often I am weak, weak, weak. My pride as a man makes me regret writing this, but I know I'll post it. Isn't that phrase stupid.'Pride as a man' - was I born in 1929?

I remember, a long time ago now, when I would spend all day waiting for sleep, just for that tiny chance I would dream of you. Then there were nights I did not sleep, knowing that you were sitting up with me near and far, a hundred kilometers away on the other side of the screen. I don't start conversations anymore, but she speaks so often. 'Just friends'..I think she needs that, needs a friend. I don't want to let her down, but...I can't finish this.

I cannnot express myself properly, and when I have the words, I cannot say them. I am shy and out-going, loud and quiet, friendly and shut off. Disturbed and sane. Crazily weird and pathetically normal.

It was my last day of school for the year. It was nothing worth blogging about. It rained today, bucketing down, I was so wrapped up in the TV I didn't notice for a long time.

And the rain came again, soaking me to the skin, chilling to the bone and I despaired that winter would ever end.

I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. Running circles in my head makes me tired mentally, and my body is out of sync.

The conscious and the unconscious mind, cerebellum and frontal lobe, built for nothing more than fight or flight, hunt or be hunted, predator and prey.

I wish I would cry. Something to show for what I feel inside.

Beauty fades, shadows fall, minds decay, the light dies. My principal said we where halfway through our education at this school, but we have two years left of twelve. Everyone must live in constant ignorance, for if we ask why we are lost. Why should I finish this assignment? To pass the subject. Why do I need to pass the subject? To pass the year. Why do I need to pass the year? To get to the next one. Why do I need to get to the next year? To pass each year after that. Why? To go to uni. Why? to get a job. Why? to make money. Why? To live comfortably when I retire. Why do all that just to live comfortably when you retire? Because.

I hate becauses.

Why do what is expected of us? Does it make us happy? satisfied? fulfilled? Better to be alone and happy than surrounded by friends and miserable.

It'd be cool to be a hermit.

No one sees my darkest thoughts, for one who did would condemn me so.

I refuse to drink, for if I drink I will not be in control and I am rarely in control at the best of times. I rarely do anything purely for selfless reasons. Are you so different.

Forget this.

No one will change me. Not even me. I am here, I am real.

Call me thief, call me seducer, call me loser, call me freak. Call me weird, call me perverse, call me sick, call me wrong, call me right, call me free, call me dumb, call me smart, call me happy, call me sad, call me annoying, call me interesting, call me yours, call me heart breaker, call me whatever you like. But when I call you beautiful, don't you dare call me liar.

Old broken hearts.

So..
There is no hidden meaning there, we see what we want, ignoring the truth.

An unfortunately long time since my last post. I suppose I'm keeping them regular, if spaced. Exams are over, holidays now. I'm happy sometimes, content the rest. We won basketball today, I can't remember the last time we did that.

I have lots of We Heart It pictures I collected one dull afternoon.
New music is:

Where The Wild Roses Grow, The Weeping Song, The Ship Song and Tupelo by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds. In fact, most of their best of.
We R Who We R by Kesha. Because I'm like that stuff some times.
Raise Your Glass by Pink. Its fun.
This Is The New Shit by Marylin Manson. My kind of music.

Tokyo (Vampires and Wolves) by The Wombats. Fun and insightful I think.
Hold The Line by Toto. A song about persevering when you've got a crush I think. Good song regardless.
Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream. Awesome guitar riffs. The lead singer is Eric Clapton. Elvis was King of Rock n Roll, MJ was King of Pop and Ozzy Osbourne was the Prince of Darkness. You know what Eric Clapton was? God. That's it, just 'God'.

The rain pounds on the roof and I am lost in my thoughts once again. I wonder if I have been too sheltered in my life. Too much of the easy life has made my mind and body weak. And how can you truly be able to appreciate the light the sun brings unless you have stood in the rain while dark clouds beat down your soul into the dirt?


Remember that.
Is that what you think?
Hehehehe.
Sad song, good song.
Urgh
Mother.
Very, very jealous. Curse all boy's schools.
Got the different bit down, now for the irreplaceable.
Heehee. *serious face*
..It doesn't necessarily mean that. But it might..
Painfully true. But no one is listening.

A little random but nevermind (nevermore).

Four Seasons

So..

Summer was hot, as it should be, wild and free. But though it seemed it would last forever it ended all too soon, leaving nothing but sun-soaked and faded memories.
After the change came Autumn, cooler and calmer than Summer. And while time seemed to slow when it was there, it too ended quickly.
Now it's Winter and it came as a surprise, too early, sweeping away Autumn in a fierce storm. It is cold, and dark, white clouds block the sun and I pray for Spring, sometimes I see glimpses of it through the trees, but there's nowhere for it to take hold and it falls away. Last year's Spring is a word on the wind and old memories are gone with it. The fire by the hearth burns steadily, but I long for Spring to come again.

You're the one thing on my mind, but that could change anytime.

So..
EXAMS. ARE. OVER. (bitches)
My best friend is sitting behind me, Hilltop Hoods are playing, we have hot chocolates and my day has consisted of reading, relaxing and hanging out with friends.
Quickly, in case I want to refer to it later, my maths exams went shit, not sure if I'll pass, History I did well, English I owned the first part and screwed up the second a bit, Photography I did very well, Game Design I did ok and enjoyed it, Science was a bit if a bitch and French was annoying.

New music is:
Morgenstern by Rammstein, a real love song
Addicted by Bliss n Eso, a perfect song for the holidays about loving life.
Some okay Bring Me The Horizon stuff, a bit unintelligible for me.
Double Vision by 3OH!3
Cardiology by Good Charlotte. Their new album and I think it's quite good. I've probably talked before about my thoughts on Good Charlotte - they aren't a bad band, I just outgrew them. In deference to my old love of them I got the album and I am enjoying it. I'm also going to get Disturbed's first album re-issue The Sickness and I'm think about buying Running On Air, Bliss n Eso's new album that spawned Addicted and Down By The River, which I love. I also still need to get A Thousand Suns and a job.


Hmm, what can I talk about? I'm happy. I guess that's enough. There's nothing interesting to say when I'm content. Bit sad really. Saw an old old friend today. Two years and still fine. Love it when it's like that.
Playing Fable 3 right now. It's a pretty good game but I hope my brother likes it. He paid for it after all and if he didn't like it I'd feel bad. Brotherhood is in six days. I can't bloody wait.

I might s well go look up some pictures. What have I already got on my hard drive? Well there's
this,
this,
this,
(Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold of course.)
this,
(My favourite I think)
and this,

I think I might do a picture post in a sec.

It's been a bad day, please don't take a picture.

So..
Do you ever come across a song, or maybe listen to an old one again and it just fits you so well you want to just fall into it so completely and let it block out everything except that..wonderful maybe, or absorbing sound? But you can't because it can't stop the thoughts in your head and sometimes all you want is for them to just stop, for a half hour maybe, just so you can get some mental rest.
Falling in love is a lot like that sometimes. Just wanting to be consumed by this fixation on the object of your...desire, dreams, whatever you call it. But you can't because your head just gets in the way.
Anyway, tonight that song for me is Bad Day by R.E.M. I just want to see nothing, hear nothing but the music and most of all think nothing. It hasn't been a particularly bad day, I'm just..tired. Tired of exams, of school, of friends and crushes and stories and people.
There's a playlist on my iPod that holds eight songs that make me want to fall apart.

Plans by Birds of Tokyo.

We made plans to,
kiss the sun at night,
Hopeless dreamers,
Hopeless times.

Shedding skin you,
Show your beauty scars.
Don't forget me,
Or who you are.

The Shadowlands by Ryan Adams

God please bring the rain,
Yeah, bring it soon.
Let it flood right through the house and,
Into Judy's room.

Reach out into the darkness,
And find my little girl.

Most people never find the love,
Most people never find the love.
Sometimes you just can't be a man,
Sometimes you just can't be a man.

When your living in the darkness,
Of the Shadowlands.

Maybe Tomorrow by Stereophonics

So maybe tomorrow,
I'll find my way, home.

Don't Take Your Love Away by Jon Crosby

I'm looking for inspiration,
And I think I've found it in your heart.
It's the kind of thing you get when you're not looking,
It's the kind of thing you had from the start.

Please, don't take your love away from me.
Don't take your love away from me.

Please don't take your love from me.

Put me inside flesh that is dying,
A ghost that wanders without rest,
Buried by desires and weakness,
I understand.

The Approaching Curve by Rise Against

As we were,
So perfect, so happy.
I'll remember only our smiles,
'Cause that's all they'd seen.

Roadside by Rise Against

Tell me what,
I'm supposed to do,
With all these left over feelings,
Of you.

'Cause I don't know.

And tell me how,
I'm supposed to feel,
When all these nightmares,
Become real.

And I don't think,
You see,
The places inside me,
that I find you.

And I don't know,
How we,
woke up one day somehow thought we knew,
Exactly what we're supposed to do.

So leave me,
At the roadside.

Pink Bullets by The Shins

Over the ramparts,
you tossed,
the scent of your skin,
and some foreign flowers.

Since then it's been a book,
You read in reverse,
So you understand less as the pages turn.

I don't look back much,
As a rule.

But your memory is here,
And I'd like,
It to stay.

Warm light,
On a winter's day.

The Mess I Made by Parachute

Should have kissed you there,
I should have held your face,
I should have watched those eyes,
Instead of run in place.

But oh,
I'm staring at the mess I made.
I'm staring at the mess I made.
As you turn,
you take your heart,
and walk away.

These are my favourite lyrics from each song. The Approaching Curve in particular has some awesome ones I haven't put down. But each of these lines hit my core in ways I can't explain.

I believe in souls.

There will be more songs in this list one day I'm sure.

I'm here for your entertainment?

So..
Let's see.. aw shit my last post was over a week ago. Damn. Exams are on and I've been busy, that's my excuse. It seems I only ever post when I'm avoiding something. Whixh is disappointing to say the least.
I only just realised that I don't think I've mentioned that I got my ear pierced. The left one, six weeks ago at the start of the holidays. Right now there's just a gold stud, but I'm looking for one I can change it to now that its healed. Didn't hurt like I thought it would, which is good. Well maybe it hasn't healed yet, but soon!

I decided to post today because I was thinking about what it's like when you see someone on the street and go " x person will look like that when they're older." Because sometimes, when that happens, I get a little kick out of seeing how one of my friends might turn out, because it reminds me of all the wonderful possibilities the future holds. And other times when it happens it doesn't feel so great because it reminds me that some day we all grow old and die. Which might seem a bit grim, but I guess it's true. Though I do think its possible that we, or our sons and daughters, could live forever. Science is wonderful and scary, but there are so many possibilities there as well. Anyway, that's all I have to say. Back to exam revision, night all.

Friends

So..
Sometimes my head shakes inside with thoughts and feelings and emotions and they either make me want to cry or scream. Sometimes they wash over me lightly, make me high with dopamine and happiness. Sometimes I'm crushed under they're weightless mass and I want to vomit and hit my head against a wall until they go away. I hate being alone for too long. Being around my friends keeps me sane (sort of). I can't find what I need if I don't know what it is.

I want to cry into a mirror and feel someones arms holding me tight to keep me safe from my mind.

I want to say I love you and hear it whispered back, when I'm not sure if I mean it and they know they do.



I know its kind of strange to bare myself so readily on the internet, the worst place to do it really.
But I feel that I will one day appreciate this record of my teenage years. I wanted to start keeping a diary for a long time, but never got round to it. So this is my diary I guess.
And I may be putting my thoughts and feelings where anyone can see them, but the point is, you don't know who I am. People who have never met me can't ridicule me in the street if they don't know what I look like. Sure, you could find my name and IP and everything else with a bit of effort, but I doubt anyone would bother that much just to hurt someone.
Exams are coming soon and I'm looking forward to them a bit. Hopefully I'll be ready for them in time.
Lots of things are coming up soon. On the 28th Fable 3 comes out-Ive already preordered it. On the 31st a game called Minecraft gets a major update and on the 8th exams start. On the 9th Call Of Duty Black Ops arrives and on the 12th exams finish. On the 14th or 16th Assassin's Creed Brotherhood hits stores-that's already preordered as well. And then I'm free for the 8 weeks until next year starts.

I think I'm ultimately a positive person. I will get through this crap. I bet its just teen hormones. That kind of makes me sad though. That one day I won't be able to get high from happiness anymore. This post is all over the place.

Once upon a time there lived a boy called...it doesn't matter what his name was. Anyway, this boy started reading when he was six and fell in love with it. He devoured books. Every day in primary school he would go out to lunch and instead of playing he would sit on a bench and read. He didn't care what the other kids thought of him, he probably didn't even think about them. When this boy got older though, he started looking up from his books more often and wondered about what the other children did while he read.
So he somehow started hanging out with the cool boys, though he still read a lot. And he liked the cool boys and when he graduated primary school he was sad that he was leaving his friends.
He went to his high school with fond memories of his primary school and met new kids. As time went on, he very slowly made new friends at high school. But as he did, he thought about his old friends and decided they weren't his friends at all. And he remembered the times they were mean to him and realised that they were mean boys.
So he kept his new friends and forgot his old ones, who had long forgotten him.
After two years in high school, he moved schools, but he made sure to keep him high school friends. And some of them slowly weren't friends anymore, but he worked to keep the important ones and even made new friends from his old school and plenty from his new school and even some from outside school. And suddenly the boy had lots of friends and he was going out and doing things and he wasn't popular but he was a long way from the little boy who sat on a bench and read a book at lunchtime and had no friends (though it must be said that the little boy cared not one bit about that).
So there was this boy, with friends from two schools and outside school. Then he heard about a friend from his primary school. And this boy, with all his prejudices about his primary school, hated this boy from so long ago. But he met the boy and liked him and he met another boy from his primary school and he wasn't bad either. And the primary school "friend" admitted he'd been mean in primary school and the boy took a look at his current friendships and the ones fading away and the new ones growing and thought about how many more would appear. And he realised that people change and that he had changed and he was sad. And that he was older and smarter and less accepting and more opinionated and stronger and weaker and he missed the days when he didn't care what people thought and the days when all it took to be happy was a book to read.
And he lived the rest of his life. But every so often he would wonder if he had been as happy as he told himself he had been or if he had been happy and unhappy in balance like he was now.


Its interesting how you can throw a boy into a wall and punch another as hard as you can because you were so angry at them and two years later play alongside them in a cricket game for the simple reason that one of them was on the team and needed players and you were friends and that was what you did and if you didn't he would understand and forget about it but you would be the one who felt bad. I think I've made a few life long friends. I certainly hope so. though I might not be a very good one it seems.
Thats us alright.
I think real friends are the ones who will talk through their problems with each other if its necessary, or be able to forget them if they arent important. or something.

I don't know how to finish this post off, so here's to best friends.
Perhaps the picture and not the whole post.

Sorry about the small font size. Sorry for bothering you. Congratulations for reading this far. You can go now. Really. Its okay. I'm signing off now. Bye. Go on, off you go. I'm just waiting for you to go first. OK. Night.

And I'm hoping that you'll say, that you loved me all this time.

So..
I am desperately overdue for a post and I've just realised my latest one is that freaky one from two weeks ago. TWO WEEKS AGO. And it's been even longer since I've talked about music. I've been meaning to post for aaaages (Two weeks roughly :P) but I only seem to do it when I'm avoiding homework. Which sucks. But let's be honest, I'm avoiding work now.

So what's been up in two weeks? You may be excused for thinking that I have fallen further and further in to a mad merry-go-round of depression (spiral) but not so! I have been busy, as exams are coming up soon and I really want to do well, as my midyear exams were horrible (I think.... don't really remember to be honest). Plus, I have VCE next year, which probably means I'll be blogging less as I focus on my VCE subjects. I do hope VCE will be fun.
What else? I downloaded the music video for Hold On by Angus & Julia Stone off iTunes a few hours ago (it's free, go get it!) and it's pretty amazing. I'm the video itself is very deep and metaphorical, but the song is amazing on its own. Other music from the past...18 days include:

Warrior's Dawn by Slough Fey. A true metal song about returning from war. Has an epic chorus.
Planets by Short Stack. Cute love song and I love those guys.
Lilith Immaculate by Cradle of Filth. An amazing CoF from their upcoming album. Sounds amazing.
Temptation by Cradle of Filth. Pretty good.
Boys In Town by The Divinyls. Okay.
Pleasure and Pain by The Divinyls. Anyone remember this song? Its been in the back of my head for as long as I can remember and I finally found out who it was by. "It's a fine line, between pleasure and pain!"

Something I've also been meaning to talk about is Linkin Park's new album A Thousand Suns. I was very cynical about how good this album was going to be, as in my opinion LP have declined steadily from their debut. Not declined per se, just that I liked their early music far more than say, What I've Done. However, this album is one of the most inspiring albums I've ever heard. As a side note, in my opinion the reason Linkin Park are so successful is that they rarely sing about love. Bands that have little by way of love songs in their repertoire are few and far between these days, so LP are a bit of fresh air I guess. Wish I had tickets to their concert. Feel free to disagree with me of course, just airing my views on my blog :P.

On the subject of blogger-blog reader communication, thank you for all your comments. Every time I see a new comment in my inbox (I get a notification by email for each comment) it makes me feel all gooey inside :P. I love getting comments. Not that I'm pressuring you or anything :D.

Hmm. Ill just go through my pictures for a second..that's interesting. I thought I had more new pics than that. Oh well....Okay, for some reason I can't access the new ones from My Computer part of the computer, but I can get to them through Blogger. Anyway, it just means there's more than I thought.

Here's hoping.
Hehehehe. Chibis.

Well? I kinda like Lady Gaga. I guess she's just not as bad as some other female singers I could mention
And then you did. Meh. Now I have to rush off to bed 'cause it's past my bedtime. Again.

It's not what you think.

So..
It's almost 830 and I'm going to bed, because the thoughts in my head are killing me. I've got a post half finished in draft, but I cn't do it right now. Why did I bother to write this? You don't need to know this. Why bother. ARGH! I'm dead dead dead dying. I can't breathe. Here's a picture. Fight the need. I don't no why i seadi that. I got my ear eirced on the sunday before last. it didnt hurt, and now i have to spray it everyday. tattoos cost around 150 and hour. I'm dying dying dying dead. theres this par in bring me to life by evanescence were she screames I want to die in the background. its awesome. UMMMMMM. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I hate the end of the holidays. If you're not completely fine I willl fall apart. saty safe eerybody where is my mind im falling apart this is just a strama of conscous thought that is tearing me a part why do i feel this much i want to die pleaselet me i die i want to live LET ME LOVE i love youu i hate you ynneed to get a grip why whywn hyw hwyhwhya;,bna[orsjgbzbx

Eventually, everything dies.

So..
I started a post a few days ago, but had to stop. This is how far I got:

Autumn wants everyone to like her. Her hair falls softly on her shoulders and is the colour of fire. Most boys fall for her, but a particular kind just ignore her, and no matter how she tries they don't care. She moves like a light breeze and wears red, yellow and brown. She has a big personality, but is not as extreme as her cousins.

Winter is cold. Few like her, but she doesn't change for others. She wears black, white and light blue. Winter is lonely and sad, but can't reach out to others well. She likes to-

I should finish it, but the spark I had when I started is gone. I was going to write one for Autumn Winter and Spring, but I couldn't make it sound good.
So today is the last day of the holidays. I don't really care too much. It's all the same to me.
I haven't been so well. But the sleepover was awesome, even if we didn't actually sleep. Lots of fun. I finally did some homework today, then went out to Wombat's place and got depressed :S
So I'm all good and need sleep like Beiber needs a lobotomy. Sorry I'm not very good at similes.
What to say? I changed my message tone, which is cool.
I feel kinda restricted in what I can put down here, suffice to say I feel...unloved. Yeah that's a good way of putting it. I tried to be [Peter Pan} and never grow up and now I'm the kid in the corner refusing to believe his world is changing without him.


I wrote something on a piece of paper once and I found it again recently. Tabletops and rifle shots. I'll let you figure that one out. I have no idea. I know exactly what I want, and it's not that complicated. Its just that I can't have it. Plain and simple.

Sometimes I feel detached from my own life. Looking from the outside in, watching myself live my life. Do you ever think in third-person? He is hanging the washing, She is going to bed? I don't know if I do it because I'm bored or because I'm not really all there.
Fireflies is still an awesome song, and it brings back memories as well.
How amazing is that?
The point is what you do before then I guess. Right now I'm not doing much.
You know it. I'm suddenly happy and I know exactly why. I'm so easily manipulated. WHEEEEEEEEE.
Oh right, nah it's not what you think. Sleepy time for Jokerman now. Talk about a massive post.

I mean, its ridiculous. Horribly depressed all day, and now I'm as happy as fucking Larry. Such a loser. :D

Love you all. Thanks for listening.