So..
A promise is a promise is a promise. Here's another wonderful Cassie tag, created by Erimentha and becoming widespread on the blogs I follow (you guys). I heartily invite you all to do it (it's fun and feels good). The rules are (let me check) you have to include the bolded stuff, link it back to Eri and tag three people you admire. I was "tagged" by Dandalily, which is to say she made me do it. But it is fun, so go ahead.

Abracadabra Wow!
I like boys with a sense of chivalry and girls who trust me.

I like trying to get people who belong together, together.

I like the number 17 written in Roman numerals.

I like how my pencil case has stuff written on it like the cool kids.

I like Melbourne weather, when its 28 degrees and pissing down rain.
I like the Batman.
I like living for myself.
I like songs written other languages that still have really cool sounding lines :P
I like elegance. There really can be elegance in everything.

I like little perfect moments.

I like having friends who care about me.

I like walking around in public barefoot.
I love half smiles.
Today didn't do anything particularly noteworthy, but that's okay.

In some ways, I love everything.Its less, its less of a thing to like,
its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything. There’s more choice in like

Cos even the worst things have things you love in them

I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate the hate part of the Cassie tag. It depresses me. Maybe this time it won't?
I hate bad goodbyes, even if it's just not seeing a friend off properly after a sleepover.
I hate it when songs I love mention a year, so I have trouble relating to it. Specifically, Golden Years by Bliss n Eso and Summer of '69 by..Bryan Adams?
I hate insulting nicknames.
I hate being betrayed by someone I thought was a friend.
I hate it when I act like a total dick and don't apologise.
I hate endings, in books, movies, friendships, whatever but in a way I know that everything has to end. Except Gobstoppers. That shit lasts forever :P
I hate the piano half of Layla by Derek and Dominoes. The first half is amazing though.
I hate soft chocolate. The best chocolate is cool and hard.

I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

Man I'm tired. Sort of. Saw Batman Begins and The Dark Knight last night, after Dandalily invited me over out of the blue. Sloth was there. Good fun. I ate all the food though, so I felt fat after :)

Feeling pretty good tonight, though my day was a bit up and down. No pictures this time I think. Now I'm going to read my old Cassie tags and go to sleep. Night!

Tryin' to hold these golden years that're flashing by

So..
I'm fine now. I think I needed to let myself out before I pulled back in. And talking with someone who's so disconnected helped. So now I'm just tired. My body, heart, soul and mind are tired.

A friend gave me Season's 1 and 2 of Skins. I've seen the first two eps and its pretty good.
School is hard, like always. Year 11 now means I've got less than two years left. High school is finishing fast.

New music (its been a while);

Golden Years by Bliss n Eso. It makes me a bit sad.

The Hard Road by Hilltop Hoods. It's okay.

The Downeaster Alexa by Billy Joel. An amazing so, check it out.

Young Blood by The Naked and Famous.

Teenage Crime by Adrian Lux.

Check Yes Juliet by We The Kings. I don't like it that much. I spose it's okay.

The Ballad of Mona Lisa by Panic At The Disco. Their new single, not too bad.

It's Not The End Of The World (But I Can See It From Here) by Lostprophets.

Infinite by Eminem. Early Eminem, check it out if you like his stuff.

Mehr and Weidmanns Heil by Rammstein.

Take Over Control by Afrojack.

Invaders Must Die by The Prodigy. Damn good.

I'm gonna be just fine. Everything really is going to be okay.

 

You know you want to ;) So do it!

My promises they will decay

So..
I am depressed. Again. I don't want to say why, for I am ashamed.
So now I cannot bring myself to care. About my friends. My family. My future. My life. My homework. My school. My blog. Everything I'm looking forward to seems bland and pointless right now. My day was...well I've had worse. But I've had so many better.
Because of the people who know me read this blog, I cannot say what I would like to. I considered making a new one, a fresh start that noone knows about, where I can whisper my darkest thoughts aloud. But I can't be bothered to do even that, and nothing is secret on the internet anyway.

I will get better. I always do. But it's hard right now. Some time ago, months or a year, I would live for my dreams at night, waiting for sleep and release. Then, in happier times I slept to make tomorrow come quicker. Now I think I am returning to my dream world.

I have things to say, and no words to say them. Pictures perhaps.

We Heart It depresses me.

You'd think out of one thousand eight hundred and ninety-two songs on my iTunes, there's be one I wanted to listen to.

Untitled

If I can't find truth in sparkling eyes

I'll find it in a friend's painful honesty.

If I can't find hope in whispered words

I'll find it in a baby's laughing smile.

If I can't find love in rose red lips

I'll find it in a brotherly hug.

If I can't find my future in a curved hip

I'll find it out as it unfolds.

If i can't find joy in a lover's kiss

I'll find it in the first flower of Spring.

If I can't find fire in wild passion

I'll find it in the stars at night.

If I can't find happiness with a single girl

I'll find it with the whole wide world. 

In fields where nothing grew but weeds, I found a flower at my feet.

So..
I'm in a good mood, so I'll write this quickly and go to bed :S. It looks like posts are going to be few and far between, for this term at least.

I saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire over the weekend. It really is a terrible terrible movie. I love the Harry Potter books, but as I've probably mentioned already, I hate the movies. It disappoints me that J.K. Rowling had final say on the scripts and still let those "films" go ahead. I'm sure there are many HP fans among my lovely followers, so I won't torture you with going on and on about it. If you do want to hear my reasons for hating the films, feel free to ask.

In an attempt to re-instate the HP books in their position of glory within my head, I'm reading the Order of the Pheonix again. I wanted to read Deathly Hallows but I can't find my copy it :(
The Order of the Pheonix is one of my favourite books in the series simply because of Dumbledore's Army and Grimmauld Place. Secret groups and big scary mansions are some of my favourite literature/film tropes.

I went to a bitchin party on Fridey (pronounced fry-dee) to commemorate Dandalily's birthday. Fun party, to say the least. Saturday we lost basketball (we had five players once again and were missing our best player - also I was disgusted at my performance) and apart from that my weekend was uneventful.

School is in the full swing of things now and homework's piling up (yes I'm avoiding it). I've resolved to get it done soon though and stay up to date. My biggest worries are Maths because I've never been good at it, Lit because my teacher is terrible and IT because..well we spend every period in front of computers, how well do you think I'm going to concentrate?

Also inspired by Harry Potter I went through We Heart It looking for HP pics. These are the best 18 or so of the 200+ pages I looked at. Plus some HP vs Twilight ones and two completely random ones.

I thought I'd finish by directing you to the song The Good Left Undone by Rise Against. It's a very poetic song and I highly recommend it for a few minutes of distraction.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me!

So..
Once again, it's been a while since my last post. I'm fine with not posting, especially when there's nothing I need to say, but it annoys me when I have posts to write and delay them. Now that the school year has started again I fear my posts may dwindle. And that's fine. Reflecting on last year though, it may be the opposite. I admit I post to avoid homework - like right now. I have some psychology homework I should be doing, right after this I promise.

Anyway, what's happened in ten days? Well, first and foremost (and embarrassingly), I found out that E is not dating again. My stupid fault for not talking to her about it, but the asshole who lied to me about it was rather convincing. He's is definitely not my friend anymore.

Interestingly, the effect of the lie was that basically I got over her in a very short time. After I found out the truth I'm still.. over her? I'm in a weird position right now. I think that his lie made me face the fact that she is definitely over me and I'm stupid for staying fixated on her. So I'm in a better place now.

What else. We won basketball yesterday, though I played shit.

New music:

S&M by Rihanna. Once again, I make no excuses for my taste in music and hey, it's a bloody fun song.

It's Been A While by Staind

I haven't been up to much. If I don't post for a while I'm sure you wont mind, you'll know I have nothing to say. Which is good sometimes. Right now, my life is right where I want it. Now if I could only get some homework done...

Things I am grateful for.

So..
School tomorrow! I admit I'm a little excited. Year 11 and all. VCE scares me man.

It hurts, but I have to say it. E has got a new boyfriend. I did freak a little, but you know what? I can move on now. Find a girl who I can see more than once every two months. Things are going to be awkward for a while but I'm gonna be fine. And I guess I was being pretty stupid staying fixated on her after we broke up.

Still, I thought it would be a good idea to make a list of things I am grateful for. Reasons to keep going and little things I usually take for granted. Things to look forward to.

• Icecream
• Chocolate
• Zero Punctuation
• Extra Credits
• Portal 2
• My brother
• Wombat, Rake, Psyduck, Guile, Daggy and all my other guy friends
• Pizza
• Basketball
• Coding
• Short shorts
• Dresses
• Cargo pants
• Metal
• Music in general
• Books
• Cool english lessons
• Youtube
• Blogger :D
• Naruto, One Piece and other manga
• Love stories - For some reason High Fidelity comes to mind
• My awesome wallet which i need to take a picture of
• John Green novels
• T-shirts
• Sunlight
• Rain
• Sleep
• Dreams
• The moon
• Photography
• Watermelons
• Apples
• Sleepovers
• Movies, Pirates Of The Carribean in particular
• Richard Morgan novels
• Concerts
• Bike rides
• Trains
• Girls with amazing eyes
• Swear words
• Late nights
• Computer games
• TV shows like I've been talking about recently
• Changes for the better
• Love

Obviously not a complete list :D but it'll do for now. Maybe I'll add to it later.
New music is:

Chess With The Abyss by Dimmu Borgir

With Arms Wide Open by Creed

God Is For The Dead by Ill Nino

Now I'm gonna go check that I'm ready for school tomorrow and go to bed. It's gonna be a real bitch getting to sleep :(

I'm having trouble breathing

  And my back hurts. My heart is pounding, I feel sick and my breathing is ragged.

7:21 edit: Of course, Boulevard of Broken Dreams just came on the radio. Its an amazing yes, but thats not cool man. Not. Cool.

Last night, I had a dream about you.

So..
Okay, I'm finally writing a blog post. I've been busy, I've had stuff to talk about, I just haven't managed to turn thoughts into words. Before I start though, I bid a warm welcome to my two new followers. Let me see now, welcome amyforder and... I think that's Magda? Am I the only one who's seeing &#65533 repeated four times? Well, whoever you are, welcome. I hope you enjoy my blog. And if you don't, I'm not going to know so its all good :D

Now, down to business. Today is the first of February (pinch punch etc etc.) and school is.. two three or four days away, depending on how you look at it. I start back on Friday the 4th people. And yes, that does mean I have one day of school and then the weekend. I don't understand it either but I'm not exactly going to argue about it am I? For those of you that don't live in Australia, Australia Day was on the 26th, though my fellow Aussie bloggers have probably mentioned it. Every year on Australia day my mum hosts a street party and makes the people in our street go to it. It doesn't usually get in my way, so I don't mind. The three nights before it were good though, I went to Sponge's house with Wombat (hehe codenames) and we stayed the night, then we slept at Wombats, then mine. We did what we always do, ate crap food, talked about crap and played crap games. It was all a bit of harmless fun and I enjoyed myself.

After they left I've been killing time at home mostly I think. E and I are on shakier and shakier ground every day, but somehow everything just keeps going. I was quite torn up about it for a few days, but I'm fine now. School will give me something to concentrate on soon.

I slept over at Wombats again last night. He has a medium-sized pool now, and the weather's getting past 35-40 degrees (Celsius) so it came in handy.

I was watching TV today (as I am wont to do) and the song "Nothing" by The Script came onto Channel V. It's a really good song and I'd seen it before and forgotten about it til now. After it finished, it got me thinking. "Nothing" suits my situation quite well right now, but why else do I love The Script so much? And how is that at odds with my love of heavier rock and metal songs? I figured out that first, I like The Script so much because they're a guys band playing soft rock and singing about heartbreak and getting away with it. There are a number of soft rock bands I admit, but something about The Script's lead singers voice puts them a cut above the rest for me.
Second, the reason I like heavy metal songs and harder rock is because of the way they make me (and others no doubt) feel. Metal makes you feel powerful. I'm not saying every metal song does, but the overarching trend in metal is that the distorted guitars, powerful drums, masculine voices etc etc combine to make you feel strong, powerful and in control. Disturbed's song "Indestructible" comes to mind, because that song was literally created to make the listener feel indestructible. David Draiman (lead singer of Disturbed, no I didn't have to look that up) wrote the song targeted at American soldiers going off to war.

Wow that was a massive paragraph. Oh wait, its actually two. I'm not as bad at punctuation as I thought  :D

A lot of the past few weeks I have spent recording and watching episodes of That 70's Show, The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother. I must have mentioned this already a few times, but they are my favourite TV shows at the moment. Particularly the latter two, though episodes of TBBT (cbf typing the full names) are disappointingly scarce.

Sponge lent me some CD's when I was at his place. Daft Punk's album Discovery and Deadmau5's two albums For Lack Of A Better Name and Random Album Title. You should definitely check out Digital Love by Daft Punk, it's probably my favourite song right now. I Remember by Deadmau5 featuring Kaskade is really good as well. He also showed me a song called Shut Your Mouth by Under Construction which is actually a cover, but trust me, it's far far better than the original. Finally, I personally found a song called Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex, which you should check out when you have some time on your hands. Its a fun little techno/dubstep thingy.

With far too much time on my hands, too many things to think about, too much to do and too little drive to do a post or anything productive, I've spent a little time on We Heart It, picking up some interesting pictures. And you know, I'll have some little tidbit comment for each of them, of course. Now what have I been..Oh yeah, How I Met Your Mother pictures. That reminds me, I say Toy Story 3 today on DVD. Good fun. Hold on while i search we heart it for Toy story :D

I'm disappointed. I got to page 27 of 63 and got nothing to show for it. Not cool.
Moving on..

 

Oh Barney, Barney, Barney.

 

The Barnacle is why I keep coming back to HIMYM 

Okay turns out I'm not in the mood for pictures. This hasn't been a very interesting post has it? Oh well, I don't mind. Enjoy your day (or night.)

A conversation, a follower, three movies, a sleepover and some pastries.

So..
Hello again. I've been meaning post for a few days now, just to say I'm doing fine. My last post (well over a week ago now) said I'd have lots of depressing posts and the fact I haven't means I've been okay. No posts generally means nothing particularly good or bad has happened.
I saw Burlesque on Monday with some friends. I enjoyed it, though some of the people I went with didn't. Then I saw The Dilemma on Tuesday with another friend. It was a lot better than I thought it would be. Then I've been stuck at home since then. Lets see.. I've had a few more driving lessons, which was kinda interesting.

What did I do last week..wow I haven't posted since I got back I just realised. Well just stuff with Wombat and Sponge, a sleepover at mine, a cricket match, oh! I saw Morning Glory with them as well, that wasn't too bad. I still haven't seen Tangled, which I really wanna do, so this weekend maybe.

Some idle thoughts:

The girl with a broken smile

He looked at her with a strange look on his face. "You would never speak to me if you knew my desires. Noone would"
She smiled. "You're so full of shit."
"Oh really?" He leaned closer and touched their foreheads together, then whispered in her ear. The more his lips moved, the paler she became. Finally she pushed him away.
"So?" He said as a smile played across his lips.
Her mouth opened, but nothing came out.


When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Dots

 New music is:

Ain't No Rest For The Wicked by Cage the Elephant. I found it in the intro to Borderlands while a friend was playing.

Miami 2 Ibiza by Swedish House Mafia and Tinie Tempah. Thanks to Channel V, or possibly MAX. I'm not sure which one I saw it on.

Fever by Bullet For My Valentine, been meaning to get it for ages.

Pale White Dress and Young At Heart by Amy Meredith

Metallica's classic One.

Rapunzel by Drapht

What The Hell, Avril Lavigne's new single.

We have a new follower! Please welcome, all the way from the blogosphere...Ariella! May I say, that is an awesome name you have there. Join the party and please try the pastries, they're delicious.


I don't have much to say right now, but maybe there'll be something soon. I'll sign off now though.

And we were lovers, now we can't be friends, fascination ends.

So..
Helllooooo! I'm back biatch!! In a ridiculously good mood, you'll see why. I've just been camping (again) for a few days. Oh shit dad's angry at something one sec. Back. S'all good. So where was I. Right. We were camping for...three days I think? Anyway, in that time I managed to completely fuck up the dregs of my relationship with E. Suffice to say, we won't be friends much longer. Texting is evil and I am stupid. Soooo there'll probably be not a few depressed/pissed/manic posts before I find someone new to obsess over. I was down and listless (great word 'listless') from.. say about Wednesday to midday yesterday, then suicidal between then and about 2ish today. Then, however we started driving home and I went with my brother (he's 30 and obviously can drive). We had a heap of fun, sitting listening to music with the windows down, singing along to some of it. We both like Rihanna, so that was fun when she came on the radio. It's hard to be depressed with such a perfect drive. I can feel myself getting lower now though :(.

When we got home I helped empty out the cars and then went on teh internets. Thank you, Hime, for cheering me up. How you did it is my little secret so shhhhh.

So now..what? I'll be sitting around catching up on manga and things I've been missing, then I'll go watch How I Met Your Mother. Neil Patrick Harris is a god.

Some new music for my fine followers,

Guns in the Sky by INXS
Got Some by Pearl Jam
Every Me, Every You by Placebo though I'm gonna check out some of their other stuff.
Not In Love by Crystal Castles. Probably not good for me to listen to right now?:/ but a good song.
Sleepwalker by Parkway Drive. I've never got into much of their kind of music, but I wish i could.

So, no doubt I'll be posting soon, 'til then - Au revoir.

Couldn't escape from you, couldn't be free of you.

So..
Somewhere out there is a girl with the most amazing eyes. Who wakes me up at 6 to watch the sun rise and wakes me up at 2 because she can't sleep. Who isn't uncomfortable with her body and loves going to the beach to make sandcastles. There's gotta be a girl who'll think I'm funny and kinda sexy and gets jealous when I talk to to other girls. Who loves sleepovers and always knows what to say. There's a girl for me who'll drag me off the computer because she wants some attention and who turns up at my door without any notice to surprise me. Who drags me off shopping and asks which dress she should get. Who's comfortable around by friends and loves rock music with a passion. There's a girl who's everything I've ever wanted and I'm her everything. But maybe I don't want her. Maybe I want you.

New music:

Wisemen and Stay The Night by James Blunt.


I can't help believing in love. I grew up reading stories of love, action, adventure, princes and princesses. But at school I was the smart one. I believed in love, but I kept mistaking other things for it. And I can be so coldly logical. If I could have one thing, it would be someone perfectly imperfect to love me. I don't understand myself. Put simply, this is me:

I love music of all kinds, as long as I think the singer means what they say. Or it sounds cool.

I'm fiercely jealous. I can't stand the fact that other people are allowed to see my crushes. Sometimes all I can think about is other guys being better than me and hating everything.

I have long hair that everyone says I should cut, except the one person who matters.

I suspect everything anyone does. I wonder if every invitation or comment is a set-up to humiliate me. I guess that means I'm afraid of embarrassment. Some kind of complex I guess.

I hate my glasses and contacts, because I can't help thinking I'll be blind by the time I'm 65.

I want to live forever, but sometimes I just want to die.

I'm too emotional. That's it. I feel too much. As she once told me, I wish I couldn't feel. No more jealousy, anger, hate, love, not having to do anything I didn't want to. Focusing on school, emotionless.

I read a story once I identified with. It was about a girl who had gone missing, and her family thought she was dead. Her mother I think, described her as all about extremes. Really high highs and really low lows. I hate talking about how i see myself, in case I'm just the same as other people. I want to be different, individual, interesting.

I'm boring. I can't talk about nothing, so I can't really hold a conversation.

I always want to express my feelings, because I want to see them returned. They never are. But I keep trying, losing friendships on the way.

I'm selfish. I never do anything I don't want to.

I love my mind and I don't hate my body anymore. I just wish I was less impulsive. That I thought more before I opened my mouth and I thought less when I was alone.


I don't know how many times I've resolved to never speak of how I feel. I always have.

I just want high school to be over. I just want my life to be over. Sometimes I'm fine.

When I'm fine:
When I don't have a crush
When I've just seen my crush and before I start thinking about everything I did wrong.
When I'm with my crush and I haven't said anything stupid yet.

When I'm about to see my crush and I haven't thought about all the things that could go wrong.
When I'm in a relationship and I haven't started thinking about everything that's wrong.

Oh fucking hell. I LOVE YOU. I'm stuck. My feelings won't be returned. NEVER. I can't stop hoping though.

My emotional side always beats my logical side, though my logical side is only trying to save me from my emotions. I just want to be left alone.

I've never had my first kiss. It pissed me off that I haven't and it pisses me off that I care I haven't.

I want my life to be a love story. I want to find someone and have my happy ending and forget that there is no such thing as a happy ending.

I wish I would cry.

Oh, and I tag Aoife for the Cassie tag.

Now I think I'm gonna go watch The Lion King. Or maybe just TV. I'm feeling better already.

"Let me tell you where I'm at. I want to have sex with a woman so I can take these overalls off."

So..
I said last night (actually this morning - just) that I would be doing the Cassie tag and in my opinion the best ones have pictures. I've done it five times before, the last one being way back in August. So here it is:

Abracadabra, Wow!
I like boys with long hair and girls with amazing eyes.
I like going out and doing stuff.
I like being able to have a normal conversation.

I like the way your skin felt against the back of my hand

I like sleepovers where we don't sleep.
I like doing things for New Year's eve.

I like how comfortable you seem around me.
I like loud music and distorted guitars.
I like seeing guys in love.

I like how shy you are about singing

I like finding a really good book to read.
I like it when people who can still look sexy without wearing tight or revealing clothes.
I love romantics
Today I got eight hours sleep for the second time in about two weeks.

In some ways, I love everything.
Its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particular
I like things that I like but I love everything
There’s more choice in like
Cos even the worst things have things you love in them
I don’t know what you mean about things I hate

I hate how jealous I can be at the drop of a hat. it tears me apart.

I hate how I can't keep my stupid mouth shut.
I hate how my stupid earring still refuses to heal.
I hate that when I'm down I focus on all the reasons you couldn't possibly love me back. 

 I hate how insecure I am sometimes.

I hate how blogger messes up the bold and italic settings so much.
I hate that I'm still in love with with my ex-girlfriend but in a way, I know I don't really hate it.

I hate how far away you live.

I hate this, wow. . .Sorry.

 

I found out what the best feeling in the world is, but I think I already knew the worst a long time ago.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

So..

Hello my followers! Mein Gott I haven't posted in over three weeks! I've been busy. And it feels good. I hate when i sit around for days on end, it makes me feel...useless.

So what have I been up to? I went to a friend's house on the 19th (i think) and stayed for 6 days, coming home on Christmas Eve. We had two all-nighters (there is nothing quite like playing pool at three in the morning) and went to bed past 12 two of the other three nights. We did stuff on the internets and talked and played video games. The usual. Our second all nighter was my last night at his place and we were at highpoint the whole time. Bought my Christmas presents around 4 because I'm that amazing. Then I got a lift home and immediately went out again (still hadn't slept) to get my dad's present, then stayed up til past 12 anyway.

Christmas was okay, hope yours was better. We had a family dinner with my mum's relatives, so pretty dull but I survived. Boxing Day saw me off camping with my brother and dad. I don't enjoy camping too much, but I survived it. My friend I'd had a sleep over with (his name's Alex) came up too so it weren't too bad. Not much to do except play on my laptop and his iPhone. We're two boring guys what can I say?

My brother drove home the third day (29th i think) and me and Alex caught the bus back home on New Years Eve. I arrived home at 1115 and again left immediately to go bowling with some old friends. After the bowling (i came third of four) we went to one guys house and hung around before the three of us left left him there and went to the next house and stayed awhile. Then it was train to Wombats house so he could change and then we all met up and went to a New Year's Eve party hosted by the lovely Camelgirl and Cat. Very fun party, lots of loud music, not too many people, I had fun. Counted down to midnight then got a lift home with Wombat around 2. New Years Day (Holy cow yesterday) I got up at 8 (after less than five hours sleep) and went to E's house (Yes we're still friends, No we're not going to get back together as far as I know, Yes it's a terrible codename). We watched some episodes of Dexter, wandered around, and then stayed up til 3 30 watching The Amityville Horror. Fun movie.

Got home around 430 today and caught up on my internets (I'd barely gotten the chance to do some manga-reading with all this rushing around) then watched Big Bang, How I Met Your Mother and a recording of the Doctor Who Christmas special I missed. And now I have a cold. It's not surprising really, a string of late/all nighters, not eating very well right now and it was freezing last night. All in all, I'm feeling pretty darn pleased with myself. Going back to camp on Tuesday or Wednesday with my brother to help my dad pack it all up (did you notice that we left him there?) and then I'll still have three weeks of the holidays left over. Blimey. I'll have to start working on my holiday homework though, trying to get serious about school work this year (Year 11 woot!)

That's not all of it. I read the original Frankenstein because we're doing it for Lit this year and it was pretty bad. I tried reading some other ones but it's all pretty bad actually :P. I have been reading Raymond E. Feist's Midkemia books, as some of you know. Very good and about 3/4 of the way through. I'm also looking at reading some Richard Morgan books. Richard Morgan is a very good sci-fi writer, though they're very detailed and of a darker bent. Very hard to get into, but amazing. If you're interested, check out Altered Carbon by him, I borrowed it from school about 6 months ago and I'm mostly reading the sequels.

What else? Music. New songs are:

Deeper Water by Paul Kelly, I am going to learn it on guitar.

How To Make Gravy by Paul Kelly.

Black Dog by Led Zep.

Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya and I'm Shipping Up To Boston by the Dropkick Murphys. Bloody good fun to sing and the lyrics are pretty easy to remember.

Purity by Slipknot, it's live version particularly.

Prelude 12/21 by AFI.

Sunrise, Sunset by Bright Eyes.

Disappear by Motion City Soundtrack.

It's Not the End of the World, But I Can See It from Here by Lostprophets.

Ov Fire and the Void by Behemoth. Great guitar intro I reckon.

I'm not sure what to think of Teenage Crime by Adrian something. I like it though.

I've left out something else; what I got for Christmas! A cool bracelet thingy and a wallet with a chain from my mum (pics tomorrow), a check for 100 dollars, a cool shirt from my bro and a towel :D. I got my dad some golf balls, my mum two bracelets, my brother a rubber band ball and 'naughty' marker thingies from typo and my cousin a mug. I'm going to spent the money on CD's. Most of it anyway.

Written while camping:

 I dreamed last night that you were a princess and because I was a commoner your father (who looked like my Lit teacher) wouldn't let us be together. When I woke up I realised that while such medieval practices are no longer in place, in real life I made you the princess and myself the commoner and decided that we didn't work together because you're so amazing and I'm so dull.

The profoundness was kinda lost when you turned into an animation and I became part of a picture book, though now I think about it, that kinda fits in. Regardless, by the time I woke up a rabbit was teaching a dog and cat about the finer points of love, sex and marriage, including an amusing anecdote about the "Dewey's" a pair of lovestruck rabbits who both passed out after they had sex the first time.

Written on the way to bowling:

I realised today that some people actually don't know what it's like to be in love. Furthermore, most people my age don't know the feeling, It made me think that maybe I'm getting it wrong somehow.

Holy crud it's midnight. I'm just gonna dump these pictures here. They mean things to me. Goodnight. Here's hoping my cold will be gone in the morning. Also, I'm going to do a the Cassie tag tomorrow, I haven't in ages and I really want to. :D

Christmas thoughts

So..
Every year around Christmas I open the letter box, take out a Christmas card or two and imagine myself 30 years from now sitting alone at home without a single card because I never made the effort.

Every year at Christmas I think of how my grandfather died, sitting at the table on Christmas day with his entire family around him and I hope to die as well as he did.

Every year around Christmas I imagine kissing a beautiful girl at midnight on New Years Eve.

Every year at Christmas, as I sit down to the dinner table with my mum, dad, brother, grandmother and assorted cousins I wonder if I'll ever see it from where my dad does.

Every year at Christmas I eat until I'm full and stay up late.

Every year at Christmas I feel a little sad that another year has gone by.

Every year after Christmas I hardly bother making a new years resolution, because I've never thought it was that important to do.

Posts, Jealousy, Realisations, Letters and Music

So..
I'm back! I know that I'm posting about the time I normally would be, considering my posts have been a lot more spaced out over the last few months. But making the decision to not blog made me realise how much I've come to depend on Commence Download. As a kind of personal therapy, to vent my frustrations and sadness. And I have plenty to write so I'll most likely forget it all.

Nothing interesting to note, I'm now using the new post layout, thank you Aoife.
I note that I haven't had any new followers in a long while. I suspect many of my old ones have stopped reading also, I know if you follow heaps of blogs you tend to skip reading the boring ones. I only follow people who follow me, which probably is responsible for my low follower numbers. I don't mind too much as I don't usually (read never) talk about blogs in the real world, so its hard to get jealous of people with high follower numbers.

Speaking of jealousy, I realised quite soon after my last post (or possible slightly before it) that I am a jealous person. A part of me knew that fact but I only recently actually voiced the fact, made it a conscious realisation. I'm jealous of people with iPhones, I'm jealous of guys with girlfriends, I;m jealous of motivated people, I'm jealous of people with money, I've jealous of constantly happy people (they're probably covering for something but how would I know?). I'm jealous of handsome men, sexy men, friends, enemies, acquaintances etc.
The people I'm most jealous of, regularly and without fail, are people who get to interact with whoever my crush is at that time. People (particularly guys of course) who get to see, talk to, laugh at, laugh with, smile at, get smiled at, piss of, comfort, kiss, hug and whatever with my crush.

God I hate that word. Crush sounds so childish, like I'm a 8 year old with a crush on the girl next to me in class. Anyway, there's nothing I can do about it; 'my love' is too..personal and adult. It would make me sound like a 17 year old who thinks he's met the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with.

Anyway. Where was I, oh yeah. So having a crush sucks major balls. I want them to laugh, cry, kiss, hug etc etc only with me. Which is kinda hard when you go to an all boys school and your current crush lives 100 kilometers away. Not the happiest circumstances.

And yes, I still like my ex-girlfriend. So what? happens all the time. I'll get over it eventually, and everything was fine until I told her a few days ago. Now I'm not sure what's going to happen. 'Just friends' would be fine thank you very much. Why can't girls handle it when you tell them you like them? I didn't even say I loved her, I said "I might not love you, but I have a major crush". I ranting a bit. Wish I hadn't said major, that sounds weird. Anyway.

I'm fine though, I'll live. Such things pass. I actually decided to make a post because I wanted to do something a bit different and write some letters. They're quite personal, so we'll see how far I'm willing to go.

First up,

Dear Ex-Girlfriend,

The thing that bugs me the most, is that we had a pathetic relationship. Honestly our "relationship" went for two months and consisted of one date, one time I went to the footy with you and your parents (nice people by the way) and lots of long conversations ending in "I love you" I think you might have meant it at the start. But that, my dear, is not a relationship. You know what I think? I think I was safe. Easy to deal with, far away, completely impersonal.

And then you broke up with me. I was expecting it, I got over it. We didn't talk for a while and then somehow we did. It the last two weeks I've learned a lot about you. And I know now you have
problems like everyone else along with some special ones of your own.

I can't get angry with you. I can't get angry because if I'm wrong and you do care all I would achieve is hurting a good friend.

Love Jokerman

Next please.

Dear Hime,
Good friends, then not. Then avoiding and downcast eyes. I thought you were beautiful, but inside just ain't that pretty sometimes. Sorry we fell apart, wish I could have known you better.
I can't say more so,

Goodbye, Jokerman

Those were the two I wanted to write. You see, when I'm bored I make up stories in my head, conversations I wish could happen and and ones I hope don't. Things I'm going to write for the blog, or things to put in it. Fantasizing about life you could say.

I bought Slipknot's album Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses recently. There's some good stuff on there, but my new favourite is the last track on the album "Danger - Keep Away". It's..eerie. Good listening for a night like this, dark, forbidding. Unintelligible whispers are followed by "we do feel alone, we do feel alone" opening the track. Listen to it, we all have time on the holidays. Turn the lights down, lower the volume so you have to strain a little to hear it. Close the blinds, stick in some earplugs and close your eyes. Maybe you won't like it. It doesn't get as loud as some of their other stuff, which is good.

Other songs I've picked up are Shakira's two hits "Whenever, Wherever" and "Hips Don't Lie". I make no excuses for my musical tastes. Also "Wild At Heart" another Birds of Tokyo song. Fun to hear.

"Na Na Na" and "Sing" by My Chemical Romance are both good, the first for the sound the second for the lyrics.


What else is there? I've forgotten things I wanted to say. This will do, thank you, and good night.

a break?

So..
I think I might give blogger a break for a bit. I bet I'll be back tomorrow, but in case I'm not, I'll see you soon I'm sure.

The problem is, I'm very good at breaking my heart.

He's not a boy that you can change

So..
I'm trying to not to constantly make thinly disguised posts about 'her' - whoever 'she' may be. Along with the tedium it creates for my lovely followers and the inanity of it all, it feels demeaning that I have to have someone to crush on to feel as if my life as any special meaning. Why can't I be like other guys at school, apparently enjoying what there is to enjoy - good food, good friends, keeping busy, keeping healthy. I had a brief period over the last two months or so where I did manage to be happy, or content, with what I have. Now.. I don't like writing this. I want to write something interesting, something to make you think, laugh, form a tear, talk about.
My mind can acknowledge the truth, but it doesn't mean I believe it.
I'm confused. Its 1139, we heart it is down so no pictures - isn't a dependence on a site like that ridiculous. I'm a guy, I'm meant to be sex-crazed, emotionless, strong...what else? And sometimes I am those things, but so often I just want someone to love me, to hold, so often I am weak, weak, weak. My pride as a man makes me regret writing this, but I know I'll post it. Isn't that phrase stupid.'Pride as a man' - was I born in 1929?

I remember, a long time ago now, when I would spend all day waiting for sleep, just for that tiny chance I would dream of you. Then there were nights I did not sleep, knowing that you were sitting up with me near and far, a hundred kilometers away on the other side of the screen. I don't start conversations anymore, but she speaks so often. 'Just friends'..I think she needs that, needs a friend. I don't want to let her down, but...I can't finish this.

I cannnot express myself properly, and when I have the words, I cannot say them. I am shy and out-going, loud and quiet, friendly and shut off. Disturbed and sane. Crazily weird and pathetically normal.

It was my last day of school for the year. It was nothing worth blogging about. It rained today, bucketing down, I was so wrapped up in the TV I didn't notice for a long time.

And the rain came again, soaking me to the skin, chilling to the bone and I despaired that winter would ever end.

I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts. Running circles in my head makes me tired mentally, and my body is out of sync.

The conscious and the unconscious mind, cerebellum and frontal lobe, built for nothing more than fight or flight, hunt or be hunted, predator and prey.

I wish I would cry. Something to show for what I feel inside.

Beauty fades, shadows fall, minds decay, the light dies. My principal said we where halfway through our education at this school, but we have two years left of twelve. Everyone must live in constant ignorance, for if we ask why we are lost. Why should I finish this assignment? To pass the subject. Why do I need to pass the subject? To pass the year. Why do I need to pass the year? To get to the next one. Why do I need to get to the next year? To pass each year after that. Why? To go to uni. Why? to get a job. Why? to make money. Why? To live comfortably when I retire. Why do all that just to live comfortably when you retire? Because.

I hate becauses.

Why do what is expected of us? Does it make us happy? satisfied? fulfilled? Better to be alone and happy than surrounded by friends and miserable.

It'd be cool to be a hermit.

No one sees my darkest thoughts, for one who did would condemn me so.

I refuse to drink, for if I drink I will not be in control and I am rarely in control at the best of times. I rarely do anything purely for selfless reasons. Are you so different.

Forget this.

No one will change me. Not even me. I am here, I am real.

Call me thief, call me seducer, call me loser, call me freak. Call me weird, call me perverse, call me sick, call me wrong, call me right, call me free, call me dumb, call me smart, call me happy, call me sad, call me annoying, call me interesting, call me yours, call me heart breaker, call me whatever you like. But when I call you beautiful, don't you dare call me liar.

Old broken hearts.

So..
There is no hidden meaning there, we see what we want, ignoring the truth.

An unfortunately long time since my last post. I suppose I'm keeping them regular, if spaced. Exams are over, holidays now. I'm happy sometimes, content the rest. We won basketball today, I can't remember the last time we did that.

I have lots of We Heart It pictures I collected one dull afternoon.
New music is:

Where The Wild Roses Grow, The Weeping Song, The Ship Song and Tupelo by Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds. In fact, most of their best of.
We R Who We R by Kesha. Because I'm like that stuff some times.
Raise Your Glass by Pink. Its fun.
This Is The New Shit by Marylin Manson. My kind of music.

Tokyo (Vampires and Wolves) by The Wombats. Fun and insightful I think.
Hold The Line by Toto. A song about persevering when you've got a crush I think. Good song regardless.
Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream. Awesome guitar riffs. The lead singer is Eric Clapton. Elvis was King of Rock n Roll, MJ was King of Pop and Ozzy Osbourne was the Prince of Darkness. You know what Eric Clapton was? God. That's it, just 'God'.

The rain pounds on the roof and I am lost in my thoughts once again. I wonder if I have been too sheltered in my life. Too much of the easy life has made my mind and body weak. And how can you truly be able to appreciate the light the sun brings unless you have stood in the rain while dark clouds beat down your soul into the dirt?


Remember that.
Is that what you think?
Hehehehe.
Sad song, good song.
Urgh
Mother.
Very, very jealous. Curse all boy's schools.
Got the different bit down, now for the irreplaceable.
Heehee. *serious face*
..It doesn't necessarily mean that. But it might..
Painfully true. But no one is listening.

A little random but nevermind (nevermore).